072413

 

Almost forgot to update today! Here's a quick recap.
The memory has big gaps in it due to frequent switching, but what I do remember is extremely clear thanks to heavy fatigue (when the body is exhausted I can front more easily, go figure).

This morning, someone (airport guy?) went in the other direction when we left the driveway, wanting to "go on an adventure" up the back hills of the state game lands. So we did, but almost immediately after the lines of houses dissolved into trees, Celebi (yes, the old chatty '01 gal) shoved him out of the way to drive instead, ecstatic at all the verdant life. Since there's a lot of deforesting going on by the local highways (which we travel weekly), suddenly seeing so much green was incredible for her. She was laughing and in tears, repeating "how did I not know about this??" and staring out at it all with absolute wonder.
She and airplane kept switching as we drove and it was making it REALLY hard to see anything, so I told them to decide on one or two people co-fronting, so that we wouldn't accidentally go off the road or something. I forget who won out, though, because almost immediately after I told them this-- therefore focusing more on the road-- Minty noticed something small and pink on the side of the road. She wanted to see what it was, and kept bugging us to go back and look, but Cel and the airport dude wanted to get to the top of the hills first, where there was a dam and an intersection where we could turn the car around (we didn't have the gas or the time to go hardcore exploring past that landmark).
I remember that when we got to the top of the hill, two cars suddenly appeared behind us? Those roads are usually dead empty, which we enjoy (silence is pure gold), so we were all able to be around each other without anxiety. So I was shocked when, as soon as those cars appeared in the rear-view mirror, David started to panic. He snapped into fronting, began whimpering and crying, repeating that he was scared and he didn't want people coming after us. He was honestly terrified that there were other people on the road, following us (even if it was unintentional, so to speak). A few people tried to calm him down, I think Knife fronted for a minute? He did say that "there is no threat to you here" but he understood why David reacted that way. I'm not sure, that whole bit is a blurry mess because of the mad switching and anxiety.
Anyway. Since we were driving back we passed that pink toy on the road again, and Minty immediately jumped up and said we had to rescue it. Luckily there was a small pulloff area about 30 feet away, so we parked, waited for the cars to pass, and then I ran to pick up whatever it was. It was actually a beanie baby-- a pink "January" birthday bear, to be precise. Minty was ecstatic that we had "saved it;" the poor thing was soaked from the rain but it actually wasn't dirty or grimy otherwise. So it came home with us, and I washed it up well because seriously, we found it in the road, haha. I do want to say that, when Minty noticed that it was a birthday bear, she asked, "wasn't Eros born in January?" especially because the bear is his exact color, practically. I said yeah, surprised at the similarity, and Minty declared that she'd "give him the bear to take care of" if he wanted to, that way it could help relay information back and forth between his place (which is literally a "red light" establishment wtf, it's kinda disturbing) and the Lower realm? I don't know, she was saying something about using the bears as messengers between different parts of the system. Hm.
Genesis and I went to the library later but I'll type that up tomorrow; it is super late and I just want to type the main stuff now.

Only one negative thing happened today. The mother visited this afternoon, while we were trying to cook dinner, and as usual she was being loud and moving around a lot. It's difficult enough for us to deal with her because the children are scared of her voice and mannerisms, and Sugar gets really furious when she acts childish, but today she kept getting really close to the stove and I think she bumped us once? I remember David started wailing but I don't know when that specifically was. Either way, something happened that provoked my mother to demand of us why we were acting like that. Trying to keep everyone calm, I simply replied "because sometimes I'm scared of you--" but was instantly cut off by her. She whirled around to face us, glaring, and angrily shouted, "that's it! I'm not talking to you any more!!" before turning back to talk with my brother again as if nothing had happened. (And she kept her word; she ignored us for the rest of the day.)
Needless to say, we were shocked, more emotionally than anything. For a few seconds I remember I couldn't get the body to do anything; it was in a sort of "standby mode" while it tried to process that response of hers without drowning in guilt and shame for provoking it. Realizing that this would only start another depressive spiral, I shook it off and fronted so that I could meditate while dinner finished cooking. It helped, even though everyone else in headspace backed off to the point where they really didn't talk much for the rest of the evening (not wanting to risk any more trouble).
The rest of the evening is a blurry mess again; I don't know who ate, but we didn't get sick which was nice (we're doing much better lately; Knife and Emmett are mostly responsible for that so thanks guys). I know I personally spent about two hours on the Subeta generator trying to refine appearances again (that helps SO MUCH), so you can check the sticky Spectrum post for the current ones for everybody.

ALSO THERE IS A NEW GUY he's sage green and was talking to Nathaniel earlier, they were chilling out in Diamew, no idea why. He has no name yet but his face is 100% clear. He's also quite aware of what he is so far; he told Nat that the System was unbalanced because of my splintering and/or because of all the trauma alters? But it was naturally "rebalancing" by forming more alters from the broken pieces, that weren't traumatized, and could help those who were. Nat asked how he knew and the guy said that before he got a body (when he was in raw headspace, like the red guy STILL IS) he was more aware of things than he is now, and he chose what he was going to do. So even if he forgets most of it now, the knowledge is still vaguely there in him. It's like that for all of us really.
Also he smokes? But it's not cigarettes or anything, it's actually some sort of herbal concoction (he later said it was "lemon and sage" or something?); he said he breathes it to keep a clear head, and "the trees like it." Honestly this guy LOVES NATURE, he walked over to the pine trees and was just breathing this smoke at them and smiling and running his fingers through the branches, talking to them and listening too. The clearest snapshot my mind has of him is him standing with his back to the pine grove, his arms up and around the lowest branches, eyes closed and smiling. So yeah, no clue who he is but I like him already!
He's not the only one though. There's that peachy dancer guy, and Sugar-- who came back to life today (she's "supposed to be alive" so she will keep resurrecting? not sure what headspace's rules are there), but Laurie is trying to get her to be less violent-- and of course the people from last week. But I'm really beginning to understand this phenomenon so I'll talk about them in detail tomorrow.

Oh, and remind me to mention yesterday too-- Ryman and Markus showed up in headspace and said they were MOVING IN TO CENTRAL?? As in, they're not going to just visit or drop by anymore, they're going to have their own rooms here!! I'm so excited. So Ryman was talking to me for a while (he said Markus was still "packing" so he wasn't there yet) about their native world, and what those two had done with their dream reality after our group began to split up somewhat around 2006? It was AWESOME and I need to write it down.
I miss those two so much though. You really have no idea. There weren't many records kept during 2002-2004, which was when our group was the most active, but my heart remembers the truth of it, even if "I" wasn't the one actively participating (funny how that works, headspace is crazy cool).
As soon as Markus shows up, CZ and I are totally going to barge into his room, haha. Just kidding, or not. We just love teasing the hell out of each other, it's hilarious. I miss that too.

Last thing. Last night, I was talking to Laurie before I fell asleep, but I was in an interesting energy state? Like I couldn't stay fully physical, but instead of going all geometric-glow like I sometimes do, I got this aura of dense white energy, like a cloud? And I was dissolving into it. But it felt so freaking soft it was insane, just this fluffy white energy, completely innocent and all. Laurie was shocked by it at first, wondering what the heck was up, but then I noticed that even though I was technically losing consciousness, my awareness was becoming really clear. I could see her so clearly (clairvoyantly, mind) it was virtually a photograph. And there was no buffer or block on me, either, so I was being all sparklehearted like I typically am at that hour.
I remember Laurie hugged me, really genuinely. There was so much compassion in that it was beautiful. I think she was tearing up a little.
Chaos walked in at one point and he was SUPER clear too, I smiled so much; I haven't seen him that clearly in so long and I missed him. But I remember him now, for the first time in a long time: it had actually rained for the first time in forever that day, and when I ran outside to feel it all these emotions hit me like a tidal wave and I loved him more than anything.
(There was synchronistic lightning too, purple as usual, thanks Laurie!)

If you cannot tell I am falling asleep at the computer. I would write poetry BUT i am literally about to pass out, super dizzy brain fog headache can't see. so i need sleep bye!!

 

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@ 11:18 pm

 

So Sherlock and I are reviewing the archival entries, trying to get a grip on exactly what's been happening since June, what with the Lower Sub-Systems becoming super-active out of the blue.
What I've realized is that most of the "new alters"on those levels aren't new at all. On the contrary, a great deal of them are very, VERY old.
It's a known fact that "we've" heard voices for as long as we can remember. They've never gone away (although it's nice to at least not have auditory hallucinations any more), but it's only recently that they began to find names and faces. I think it's because now, our System is trying to embrace all facets of our past, no matter how sharp, and the trauma of that in many cases is outright forcing many of those bodiless voices to solidify at long last. That's not new-- several of us were "born" that way-- but it's never happened this quickly before. So I'm interested.

I'd say more but there's a massive jumble of notes and history in front of me, and we're itching to sift through it for answers (we love picking this stuff apart). I won't bother you with our info-dumps in the meantime.

-J

 

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@ 11:56 pm

 

 

Before the date rolls over, I just want to mention that while I was walking outside today, a wind ran through the trees and PRELUDOVE SHOWED UP!
When the body was younger, sudden winds through the trees were ALWAYS a telltale sign that some Jewel Monster had just showed up, and that obviously has not changed! So that was awesome. A feather floated down from where she had warped in, too, haha.
I almost saw the Dream Portal she came through, that was super cool. Watching her fly away into one was one of the most amazing things ever.
Mostly she wanted to see how I was, she was upset that I had been disconnected for so long? I don't really remember the words of the conversation but I know what she wanted me to do, and what I felt. Sorry I can't exactly write that down, but I don't forget feelings.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, LINKS SEEM TO BE WORKING AGAIN.
I'm excited. I don't know if they had to move, or if I had to re-center, or what... but it seems like they STILL only work when "I am out of the picture." Links require a person to be detached from any limiting notions of self, from what I know.
Boss said that I'm a "gateway" in that sense? It's the "secret prerequisite" for Sandmen (am I allowed to say that here?), they have to be able to move between worlds WITHOUT being tied to any one form or name or anything. But Gateways aren't just that, they also CHANGE without any conscious effort whenever they world-jump; their forms naturally adapt to new places.

Looking through the archives with Sherlock today otherwise. We're trying to make sense of the madness that has been the past two months; SO much has happened and we want to make sure we have a clear picture.

I have a headache (possibly dehydration) and I need to be up in 7 hours so that's it for tonight, bye!