a slow return.

I'm wondering if I should start posting these smaller updates on my Tumblr from now on... we'll see.
As for tonight, I'll stay here, as I don't have much time but I ought to say something.

I'm still struggling to figure out who the people downstairs are, what their roles are, etc. We're making slow but steady progress, though, and the books are helping. I'm in the process of writing lists to try and "pinpoint" which mindsets/ actions/ etc. belong to whom, as that will make this entire thing easier for everyone.
A few things we discovered today: one, the Autopilot is the one who eats, because that's an "automated" action. This is a problem, but Laurie found out that if she gives the Autopilot strict orders, it will listen to her, which is good. Second, the voice we've been calling "Jess" MIGHT NOT be the "real Jess." That name is a bit of a battlezone, as it's the most easily triggered and belongs to the body, so dark voices like to try and take control of it. However, after today, I have some suspicions as to who it really belongs to. On that note, point three is that I'm beginning to more clearly differentiate the different "teenage identities" that the core cycled through until headspace actually manifested. That's been a huge project of mine for quite some time now, and it's tiring, but worth it. The fourth and last point is that MANY of us are "context locked;" some of us only come out in private, others only come out in public, others can only come out through typing or writing, not speech... it's intriguing.
I should also mention briefly that there are several new theories swimming around about headspace in general... the Spectrum only applies to headvoices, we think, but there may be as many as three "alternate Spectrums" for different "levels" of headspace? We'll see. I'm not saying anything for sure yet, just watching for signs and being prudent.

I haven't fronted in a long time, actually. I know I was here to write an entry recently, but besides that I honestly have no idea when I last "drove." It's disorienting, as I don't like this feeling of being stuck as a nighttime fronter. I'd like to guide the body during the day, instead of having the steering wheel constantly shuffled between the scared and frantic downstairs voices. Ah well. I'll deal with it for now.

That's actually why I'm here updating for a moment. I was backing up old homefive entries and listening to my tiny music library on this laptop on shuffle, when suddenly MIKA's new album comes on. For a moment it didn't do anything unusual, but then I noticed how the icon on that journal is Genesis' face, and Mika sounds almost exactly like him when he sings. And then the shocks started.
...Honestly? I cannot remember the last time I got heartshocks like that, the little lightning bolts through my skin. I've been so emotionally deadened from all this multiplicity overload, my memory is a mess... and then out of the blue, here comes that feeling again, the one that reminds me of late nights and early mornings and amber-eyed promises.
The last time I fronted (when?) I got that with Chaos, too... complete clarity, absolute love.
Yesterday was Ryou's 10th anniversary as a System member, and I feel awful that yesterday we were all such a mess downstairs that we couldn't do anything for it. I'll have to make it up to him, as soon as possible.
But... seriously, feeling that for Genesis reminded me of 020112, so strongly. For a moment, I was shocked that we had experienced something so honest together, something that would scare the wits out of several others downstairs. I remembered spending July 7th with Chaos, and seeing his eyes for the first time on our 6th anniversary. And it hit me that there really was something beautiful and deep there, even if I hadn't seen or felt it in months. It was right there, in those sparks.
For the first time in what felt like a century, I remembered what it was to love.

I do know one thing for sure... we need space, and we need silence.
I was reflecting on the past 12 months today, and was shocked to feel a jagged, crushing rift in the timeline not from this February, but from LAST spring. I remember the events of those early months so clear, as if they had just occurred, but somewhere after Easter things just... stop. Memories disappear for me entirely. I look back, and there is nothing, nothing besides a few snapshot memories from SLC... that one afternoon with Chaos in the living room, when it rained... showing him the roses on the road the day before I flew home... watching the red sun sink beneath the mountains together. I'm disturbed, though, that many memories I have from SLC feel "secondhand," where I'm only aware of them because I read the entries that were written about them. That's something else I need to do, is categorize memories... but that's a topic for another day.
The point is, when I look back on my personal, deep recollections, things stopped when summer began last year. I have NO recollection of most of the year after Easter, as I said. So now that I'm suddenly feeling my roots again, it's disorienting. Where did the past 12 months go? I don't know.
We went through this before, I know, with school. Our lives were put on "pause" for far too long. I don't want that happening again, ever, not for a third time. If there's one thing I know for sure, from both experience and research, it's that suppressing and denying the existence of our System does nothing but cause the Tar underground to boil over, infecting everything, until one day it bleeds through even steel denial and we have no choice but to completely withdraw from the world and fix it, or die.
Like I said, I don't want that ever happening again.

We still have no reliable Internet access and honestly I'm tired of computers. The System is trying to "rewire" me to be the author of Dream World, as we cannot find whoever was typing it back in 2001, and can't waste any more time searching. I'm praying that it works.
All I know is that Preludove approached me during mass on Saturday, breaking through the downstairs fronter's wall of ignorance to take my hands and remind me that she was always there for me, if I would only ask for her. "I dream too, remember?"
So there's hope. There's always hope. (I wonder if I should talk to Eevengile next, haha.)

That's all I can say for tonight, though. If I stay up late to try and talk, the grandmother gets angry, and starts triggering all sorts of negative alters downstairs. I've been holding them off so far, but I don't want to gamble with that, especially not after last night-- whatever poor kid was around couldn't fall asleep until 4AM because he was so frightened of sharing a room. We actually had a young female alter pass out on Saturday just from being in the same room as the grandmother, a shocking and distressing event that we weren't even aware could happen.
There are many, many memories and fears that have been buried, this I know. When we're ready, we'll start unearthing them. Until then, we just need to get the family upstairs back together, so to speak. Like I said, it's been too long since I've been around, and without the Spectrum in working order, everything is a shambles.

I'm off to work for tonight, then. Love and light to all of you-- I have plenty to give, after all.

 

 

 

052813

 

This morning has given me quite a headache. (One of the "painless" ones, mind.)

I woke up feeling very out of it. There was an apparent breakfast binge and the next thing I know, the mind is swamped in heady fog and thoughts of violence and hatred... the self-righteous kind. I don't know when I gained control, but all I remember is looking for Infinitii and not finding him. I could only feel him, somewhere small and strange, a prisoner to some dark entity, desperate and scared. I decided to go find him.
I found him bound in white chains, and as sudden black ones appeared around my own arms, two darkly cackling figures stepped out of the shadows.


From that whole scenario, we learned a few things.

- The entity calling itself "Jess" really IS "Jezebel," a 'splinter' of the Tar. Apparently the Tar is "still scared" of Infinitii, and will not show itself directly, so it uses Jezebel instead. The advantage of that is that she cannot directly possess people. The disadvantage is that she is literally condensed hate, and expresses it whenever and however she can.

- Razor was born from hatred, sure, but it was retributive hatred. When I started cutting in 2008, it was as punishment for "letting Julie hack us," born from a bitter hatred of her ("I'm going to kill that bitch") and Q ("When the heck was I ever comfortable with your voice?"), who only reminded 'me' of her abuse. Razor was born from that hideous, rabid, undying want to kill everything as a result of the world's allegedly inherent sinfulness. The main difference between her and Laurie is that Laurie was born from "punishment" in an atoning sense: "you did something wrong, this is only to correct you." It wasn't hateful, but it was brutal. Razor, on the other hand, was born from the extremist side of that: "you're irredeemable, and I am going to destroy you for your sins." Laurie never wanted to kill me. Razor did.

Looking back on all those old logs... it's disturbing. Unfortunately, I think I need to. Whoever was fronting at that time is either dead or buried, and as a result I don't have access to those memories. However, I'm acutely aware that I need to face and heal that stuff in order to heal those old scars.
I'm also worried because I stopped drawing right around the time she manifested, thanks to the models in college ("I'm getting sick every time I even think of art now"), and I haven't been able to get that back since. I'm wondering if she's specifically blocking it.

I'm also disturbed because the nightmares of sexual abuse are back, as are the frightening "background" shadows that creep around and keep me from sleeping or staying awake. It's a living hell and I don't know how to explain it.
I can't tell what's my intuition and what's the Tar anymore. There are too many voices in my head that I don't recognize, too many strange puppetstrings yanking me in every direction, too many people on the planet telling me what to do and not to do. The Autopilot tries its hardest to keep everything stable and neutral, avoiding all conflict, but then there are things screaming up from underground and we don't have the capacity to quiet them down so the body just shuts off and shorts out.
There are too many thoughts and emotions and wants and things in my head that aren't mine. They're all fragmented bits and pieces from other minds, coalescing together into a hurricane of deafening pain, and sometimes that is so overwhelming that whoever is driving just can't drag the body out of bed. I can't even find my way into the front position anymore, some days. When I do, that knocks me right out. There's too much noise, everywhere and in all senses, and it feels like I'm suffocating


sorry slipping not here anyommore, willl finihs upsdating later

 
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@ 09:22 pm

 
Today has just been one big dissociative mess.
 

This morning, I couldn't find Infinitii, only to discover him being "held hostage" by the girls underground, who were doing so specifically to bait me. I won't go into details about that encounter, as it was extremely painful, but we at least learned a bit more about those two demonesses. I'm just concerned, as Infinitii has left his bubble for the first time since his manifestation, as he is too afraid to go back in it for some undisclosed reason.

Then this evening, not only did we have two different people trying to eat, but one of them was apparently ignorant of the body's sensitivities, because there was an apparent purge attempt and a Razor attack immediately after. So I get to be the guy who recovers from all that, as I'm the default night driver. Oh well. At least I can take it all in stride.

I'm still trying to pinpoint just what voices come out when, who they are, what they want, etc. It's extremely tiring. There are so many, and most of them don't have enough "energy" behind their triggers or anchors to evidence or manifest. So it's just this blur of disoriented emotions and voices and thoughts and memories, all the time. No wonder I can't stay in the front for long.

School and work are getting trickier. We haven't been able to get far with either because too much switching happens and compromises are difficult to reach. Some people can handle certain environments, others can't. There's at least one who is so badly damaged that she(?) starts crying whenever she's forced to make her own decisions. Then of course you have the sensory overload problem with Autopilot, who can't talk in social environments, and all the trouble everyone else has with the body's name... yeah, it's a mess. But we're trying our best.

I do have one solid goal right now, though. With all the reading I've been doing lately, I'm going to start consolidating all of our headspace logs over the past 8+ years into a book. So far I haven't heard of any cases like ours, and since we can't afford therapy, it might do us a lot of good to review and structure everything out on paper. I, for one, am looking forward to it-- I'm the guy people turn to for that sort of thing, after all.

Besides the daily grind, though, I really have nothing to complain about. Really, I'm just happy to still be alive, after being MIA for so long.