121112

Today was all over the place, seriously what the shuppet

Mind you, this is not a bad thing. Only had two "missteps" today that were explicitly connected: if the first hadn't happened the second wouldn't have either. Thankfully it's something I can easily avoid in the future, if I'm wiser and make some changes to my daily routine; the last thing I want to do is put obstacles in my own way.

Still trying to overcome the lingering death drive, which has now warped to a "void" drive instead? I don't want to physically die atm, but at the same time I don't want to live. It's bizarre and it's bothering me. I keep giving away my possessions and I've basically stopped eating again (as much as possible; can't forget how sick I got from fasting on the 29th). I want to either exercise or sleep all day, that's it. I can't stand even being on this computer anymore; it's draining and tiring. And the self-abuse has turned into an empty, twisted "compulsion" that leaves a bad feeling in my bones, because I don't even know why I'm doing it anymore. I wonder what this is?
Tomorrow's the 12th so I need to be open though. A lot of beautiful stuff is coming in and I want to make sure I'm not blinding myself to it.
I'm happy though. Today was pretty great, all things considered. I'm taking small steps and healing things bit by bit. Nights are just big problem times though; once 6PM hits I'd better get to my room if I know what's best for me, or "triggers" will start slamming me left and right. I'm stable enough where I don't get breakdowns very often (if at all, save for last week) anymore, but even little slips are dangerous. Even so I can clearly see where all the problems are, so as long as I keep my head on straight I should be perfectly fine.

Found my empty sketchbook from last semester upstairs today, so I'm going to try and slowly get back into drawing daily. I've been dying to draw for weeks now and I need to just push my perfectionistic hesitation aside and do so already. I have tons of ideas and I want to bring them to life. I'm hopefully going back to school in the spring (God willing), so I can't afford to be rusting away in terms of talent, at all.
Also slowly teaching myself the basics of FL Studio because, as usual, I jumped into the program back in 2008 without reading any instructions. Already there are a ton of features that I can't wait to experiment with, that were right under my nose the whole time and yet I had no clue what they were. So this is good.
I'm on #19 of Bleach and it is still awesome. Started playing Nier again recently and it is still the most beautiful game I've ever had the honor of participating in. Heartwrenching, yes, but beautiful as well. Discovered this song yesterday and I cannot get enough of it.
Still having dietary problems and I think Spine is developing intolerances to more foods now? I'm trying to be stringent with food intake now, but it is tricky. Nevertheless the reactions we've been having lately are not something I want to repeat. Oh well. Things change, gotta change with them.

I'm also back to meditating regularly. Of course, the problem is it's addictive, once I get into it. I spent three solid hours in a church on Sunday-- the fourth mass I attended this weekend-- and didn't ever want to leave. Adding that to my void drive, and you can see why I'm having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. When I'm not in the daily grind, I'm tapped into something spectacular and if I could stay there forever I would.
That's... part of why today was so bizarrely gorgeous, actually? See, Chaos Zero was in my dream last night (second time in three days ♥) and we were talking to each other 4am style, when at one point I paused, apologized if what I was going to say sounded odd, and... said something really odd. I clearly remember Chaos gave me this utterly baffled look, then walked over to me and studied my own expression for a few moments-- he was seriously about an inch away from my face and was just staring into my eyes with a look of perplexed concentration. Then he relaxed, smiled in a relieved but amused way, and said something along the lines of "I thought that's what you meant. Sorry, just had to make sure you were the one talking." I think I apologized too, because I realized I was "half awake" at the time and so my mind was having trouble translating my thoughts into the correct words. Seriously it was hilariously out of character for me; upon waking for good I remembered August 25th and immediately thought "wow, brains really don't know how to translate that, do they?" Geez.
Regardless there wasn't any embarrassment about it at the time? I knew my intentions and thoughts were still clear, and so did Chaos, so there was no fear of actual miscommunication. But that's because I had just woke up, and if no one disturbs me at that time, I can hold onto that pure and brilliant mindstate for a good half hour afterwards, if not longer. Only problem is, interacting with anything breaks it (talking especially). So once my head settled into "daily life mode," I had a minor freakout over the morning's events, which Chaos was just laughing over. All jokes aside though, spending the morning with him was absolutely gorgeous.
Also spent some time with Laurie this morning too (again). No details for you! But I can't fully express how grateful I am that we can be around each other like this now, instead of with her swinging an axe at my head (and me most likely bleeding for some painful reason). She's awesome and I love her to death.
Genesis hasn't been around though. However I keep getting the feeling that he's chilling out with Ryou and Marik, which is actually spectacular as he didn't enter Central until after those two had left. So they don't know each other very well yet. It's just weird not having him ghosting around all day.
Oh, I spent most of the weekend with Xenophon too! She insisted on ghosting as much as possible, so of course I couldn't refuse (we played Nier together of course). We also went to see Bowfire on Friday night for Leon's rebirthday (love you dude!!), and she insisted on sitting on the freaking stage for a good half of the concert (because she couldn't sit on my shoulders comfortably enough). It was adorably hilarious.

That's all I'm going to write for tonight; I'm trying to get to bed between 9 and 10PM during the winter. Sorry this update wasn't too substantial, but I've been kind of floaty lately. I guarantee there'll be more to talk about after tomorrow though!
Have a lovely night as always.