snowflakes

 

I woke up this morning and it had SNOWED!! Thanks Jack Frost!
So let's stop being so melancholic, shall we?
I'm slipping out of my resonance lately. I realized this thanks to the snow. Snow resonates with me, somehow; the feeling of it, the silence, the brightness, it all just lights this blissfully happy glow in me. So of course I spent my entire morning out there, trudging through it with Xennie, exploring the woods a bit, building a snowman already. There's a magic to it that is the essence of me and I am so thankful it snowed today, the day before the eclipse, because man I have been off my rocker lately!

I sat back and wondered about that again, my center, whether or not I was living it always. And I'm not. It's why I've been feeling so sick lately. It's a conscious choice I must make in every moment-- if not, then the lack of it will invite in darker things, will allow gut-deep shadows to spread. I'm very much aware of this! But it's tricky, sometimes.
Most days I do feel like Jack Frost. Good-hearted troublemaker and all that. I laugh all the time and don't take things too seriously. I'd rather run around the neighborhood throwing snowballs than be cooped up in a building all day doing paperwork. But that's not the true me.
There's an even deeper part of me that shines most strongly, most honestly. And when I go inside myself, there are certain feelings about my true self that I can pinpoint. It's my own personal energy signature, the REAL me; when I'm not attuned to it I know I'm off-balance. And there are a few things that really stand out.
First, it's red: a rich blood red, but with the inner glow of a flame, and it's specifically shiny/glossy, like glass or water. Second, in a way connected to those three qualities, there is an incredible depth to it. Immediately, when I tune in to it, it feels like the walls drop out of reality in the best way possible. Everything just expands. Third, it hums. I've described it before as the sound you only experience in movie theaters when a spaceship crawls into view, haha. You know, that deep vibrating sound? For some reason I want to describe it as "cutting slowly," like a butcher knife through muscle. Clean and sharp, but thick. Bizarre, yes, but that's what my brain is giving me as a fitting image to how that sound hits me. As for how my deepest personal energy feels, it's got a warmth like Christmas lights-- not as sharp as an open flame, but not as dull as a computer screen. It's warm and dense with color, but it will still burn you if you aren't careful.
I know I've written all that before, but it's worth reflecting on daily, so re-writing it helps. It also reminds me how the Blood Lotus Cathedral really is the perfect manifestation of my spiritual energy's vibration... all glossy white curves of glass and crystal, lit and adorned with a deep burning red, the color of the heart. I love it there, I really do.

Halfway through #14 of Bleach since yesterday, told you I'm eating this series alive. I did a double-take when Hanatarō was introduced, though-- for reasons I couldn't place, he reminded me very strongly of Leon (besides the helpful-anxious personality of course). I thought about it for a bit, then realized it was the style his eyes are drawn in. I'm intrigued now, though-- sometimes I look at characters and see a bit of Laurie in there, or Lynne, or someone else. I think I'm going to write down exactly what brings them to mind, so I can draw them more accurately.
Speaking of Leon, though. Remember the other day, when I said we were messing with that avatar generator? Well, Leon also decided to 'tidy up' his appearance a bit more. When he first resurrected, he looked quite disheveled: messy hair, loose-fitting clothing, shadows under his eyes, badly shaven, a scrawny build... he looked like a recovering gambling addict, haha! But lately he's been trying extremely hard to pull himself together on all fronts, and that includes his appearance. He's settled beautifully into Indigo, and honestly it does my heart good to see him looking better too. I don't have any legit art/photos of him (I wish), but those avatars we put together do a decent job of showing how well he's adjusted... compare December 2010 to November 2012! Pretty awesome, right? Remembering how nervous and lost he used to be all the time... I can't help but smile over seeing this change.
Oh, also. I've been wondering about this since August, but it was pretty much confirmed on Saturday or so: Leon and Nathaniel are 'dating,' for lack of a better term. Personally I am incredibly happy to hear this-- they compliment each other fantastically, and I hope they continue to bring out the best in each other. Nat's a lucky dude, heheh! Really, Leon is amazing; I have both deep respect and deep affection for the guy.
Josephina and Waldorf are also instant BFFs now, too. They were holding a dance party upstairs last week, complete with glowsticks (and Wally's hair, obviously), and were playfully arguing over whether or not Leon could be "cyberpunk" if Wally already had the dreads going on. I have no idea what those two are doing but it is brilliant to see them getting along so well. Jo needed someone to be lighthearted with, as he tends to be way too serious about his job, and Wally really needed someone to be that ebullient with. And with them buddying up, everyone in central is paired up now, which is great. Lynne and Spine are quite close, and Laurie and Julie have this hilariously friendly rivalry going on. I'm the odd one out... does this mean I need to befriend Tar? Hm... *dramatically puts on sunglasses* Challenge accepted.

I don't know if I told you guys yet-- so much has happened this month I don't know what I had time to write it down or not-- but remember on November 1st, when Julie basically had an existential meltdown and demanded that Laurie and I let her face Tar alone? And ultimately she ended up 'fusing' with it for about a week? Well, we got her out of it on November 9th, during my HIDA scan actually... I was tuning into everyone's energy so well, we managed to pull her out-- and in the process, "locked her in" to her color slot (which is basically what we did for everyone that morning). Also, that morning is when Nathaniel realized that he no longer could synchronize with the Blue slot in his thrice-resurrected form, so now he was forced to either reform his energy to his old state... or re-stabilize into Green. The only problem? The Green slot is HUGE. It's the "middle" space, like the heart is for the body, and so it's the great balancer... to truly hold Green, one has to become a peacemaker, a friend to all, a force of balance. Nathaniel thought about it for a minute or so, looking visibly distressed... and then he walked straight into the stability beam radiating from that slot.
Immediately his entire physical makeup changed. His hair quickly turned from Brown (leftover 'base' connection from his reflection days) to Green, sure, but we were all left completely speechless when his body shifted. The energy wrapped around him, tight and close, pulling him into it... and then there was a gorgeous burst of emerald light, and suddenly he had wings.
Well, actually he had a LOT more than wings... when it was over he was basically half-moth. He didn't even have irises or pupils for about a week, just glowing green sclera, and he floated constantly. He didn't start regularly interacting with us again until that huge energy afterglow stabilized last week. But now he's visibly so at peace with himself, it nearly brings tears to my eyes. That kid's been through hell and back... he deserves this new role, and I am truly honored that he holds it.
Nat may have been the quickest case, but after November 9th, we all began to fully stabilize, which was mind-blowingly incredible to watch in real-time. Everyone was becoming so much brighter, so much happier, so much more clear of heart and head. We all understood what our true roles meant now, and began living them as sincerely as possible. Julie is the one that shone in this respect.
Having been so suddenly freed from what she thought would be a self-sacrificing act, she realized that she now had opened up the potential to become more than she had ever dreamed she could be. She worked with Laurie and I basically nonstop for the week following the 9th, during which time we all wondered aloud if she could stabilize into her color the way Nat had? Her colors were all out of sync, and reflected her old role as a slave to the Tar-- blue for miscommunication, yellow for abused power-- and yet we couldn't imagine her looking otherwise. She could, though. A few days after the 9th she began seriously trying to "change" her appearance to a different color, to become more in tune with who she was underneath all her lingering fears and regrets. She worked staggeringly hard, as always... and it paid off, one hundred percent.
Long story short, now we basically look like this. Good-looking group, eh?
But... you'll also remember how I said we theorized about how our forms would change in either direction, from a neutral state. Headspace energy is highly reactive, and as we are all composed of the stuff, we react just as strongly if we have a strong enough catalyst. We've seen it happen to Julie, to Laurie, and to me... all "mildly" enough for it to be reversed, thank God, but it was enough of a terror to get us wondering. What if ALL of us slipped? How would that happen? How would that affect us? We gave it honest thought... for that to happen, we'd have to go directly against our roles, to throw ourselves entirely out of sync, consciously. Referring back to yesterday, we'd have to destroy our own centers, and then destroy those same lost virtues in others. Terrifying, true, but the amount of self-inspection that wondering forced us all to undergo was deeply revealing. We'd make one creepy bunch of lunatics. I'm reassuring you right now, though... those forms will NEVER happen. I know this for sure. We've become too bright to ever fall that low, ever again.
Now, on that note, there remains the question of what we would look like if we continued on our current path... theoretically. Yes, my four and I have "soul forms," and then there's that angel helmet we found in the Spire, but could we naturally reach a state where we looked similar, by transcending all our old shadows, by becoming shining examples of what we held closest to our hearts, of what we protected in and for others? Maybe. It would be awesome, to say the least. So, considering the Angel Helmet's effects from February and my "Eros" angelic form (the biggest bits of support we have for this phenomenon possibly being true right now), we all personally decided that such forms would all look similar.
Anyway! HERE'S EVERYBODY.



Laurie made a hilarious comment about the design theme we have going on with our ascended forms, while we were chilling in headspace the other day... "you know how Jewel has that 'no shirt rule' thing going on in his headroom? Well, when you hit your Ascended form, you don't get to wear anything. You've gotta take a trip to Chaos' closet and make the best of whatever the hell you find in there." The joke being that Chaos doesn't wear anything anyway. Of course he responded to this with "hey, my closet is fabulous!", which just made it even funnier to me. True on all counts though!

Xenophon was helping me put up the Christmas tree again today! We're doing multicolor on white so it looks like angel food cake. And the color synchronicity is so simple it's beautiful. I'm very much looking forward to Christmas this year... we're going to make it incredible, I know this for sure. I'm putting my heart into it so I have no worries. The snow today just lit me right back up; there's no way I can feel bad when the world is so magnificent.
Speaking of. I've stopped worrying about the package that didn't arrive yet. I'll put out only good thoughts now, but whatever happens, happens. In the meantime I won't delay. I have two very precious things that stayed with me: my flash drive, with the actual text files of the story, and my elementary school generation tablets, which are a godsend when it comes to one-of-a-kind refs. So I'm not wasting any time. I may not have my most recent notes or sketches, but who cares! I'll start again. I've already begun revising the old chapters again, and things are opening up to me quickly. I'm trying to break it down into sections as it's too overwhelming to face all at once, so right now I'm clarifying Part Three, aka "The Legend," that I've never been able to make sense of. As I was reviewing it, I wondered about the DW's usage of "The Light" to refer to the God force, and a perfect sentence flashed into my mind:
"The Light is all there is. Nothing exists apart from it. Even the deepest shadows exist only because we have placed obstacles in our way of seeing it."
Shadows are cast by the light. How simple and true. I'm going to keep that in the front of my mind, always.

However.
I've decided to stop trying to figure it all out. It's caused me nothing but trouble, and I don't need to do it.
I'm learning to just surrender to what happens, smile, be thankful for it, and learn to ride the waves.
Labels need to go away. Judgments need to go away. They're still happening, in small ways, but I'm catching them. I'm still trying to intellectualize things, to treat life the way I did during my dark night of the soul, during my Johnny days. I don't have to do that anymore! I don't need all the answers.
That's so freeing. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my back... knowing that I can stop treating life as something I have to "win." I have to let go of this old subconscious feeling that I have to be in control. I don't! It's silly, really. Remember when I was little, and I thought I had to save the world? I'm so glad I stopped thinking that way. Problem is... it's lingering a little. Most of it is self-focused. But it's all untrue, and as long as I don't give it any energy we'll be fine. Remember you're a lot like Ichigo, man. Keep an eye on your energy, and where it's going, or what it's doing. Discipline yourself, or it will cause trouble. Dress rehearsal is over, but we've got this. I know we do.
Biggest challenge, still not all the way there yet: stop focusing on lack. Stop thinking about "what's wrong" and "what we don't have." Stop it dude! It's not doing anyone any good. Just look around you, and then take action in the positive. It's simple, and it fits. That's all it takes.
Trust your feelings-- YOUR feelings, not what you think you should feel, or what others are feeling. Your heart won't lead you astray.
Keep it all in mind, keep your light in mind, keep your mind light. Reminders are always good. That's why I have rainbows on my hands right now. Don't slip, bro, you're doing great.

Be the creator and the creation. Remember that as it is within, so it is without. Believe in yourself.
My black moon is in Scorpio... the shadow I need to transmute is the fear of loss. Ironically, death fascinates me by the same token. I wrote something about it here, on the 12th... I was remembering how I had suffered in the Julie days, how death was something I simultaneously feared and prayed for... and I remembered Laurie and Chaos, how they are both great destructors and creators in their roles... Ryou and I both have that morbid fascination with this sort of thing. But it's a hidden blessing. If we can let go of the fear, of the thing that keeps us from living, then our love of what lies beyond allows our eyes to open to the truth completely: there is no death.
And in that realization, for both of us, for everyone... life reveals all its magnificence in us all, eternally.
Tomorrow's the eclipse, too... hm. Could we survive a double fourth incident, in the shadow of my black moon?
I think so. There's too much life up here, for anything to ever fall apart.


I think that's enough of a pep talk for tonight... typing and doing are two different things. I think I'm going to do some meditation and then chat it up with the family upstairs. God knows I love them and hey, there's nothing better to do at this hour anyway! Maybe I can get Laurie to join me in another ridiculously awesome jam session... I'll never forget that one we had with Chaos, with the guitars, that was one of the best nights I've ever had. And now that everyone in headspace is sticking around Central, who knows? We could really get something amazing going.
You know what, referring back to the artwork similarities, I also need to start looking for songs with voices that match theirs, even if I have to tweak pitches a little-- I'm better at hearing tones and qualities than actual voices. Laurie's voice is crystal clear in my head but I can't tell you what it sounds like, for example. Same with Julie, surprisingly. But if I hear someone that talks like them, either in style or in sound or whatever, I will recognize the similarity immediately.
This is fun, actually, finding little bits and pieces of us in physical reality like that. Or you can say we're recognizing bits and pieces of physical reality in us! Both ways work, haha.
Either way, I want to get Leon to sing. Mark my words son, I will get you behind a microphone soon enough! In all seriousness, music means so much to me... seeing people sing means a lot. And seeing people I care deeply about singing is deeply moving. Can't put that to words either. But it's why that one late-night jam session meant so much... we got Laurie to sing, too.


...I honestly cannot put into language how it feels, to see everyone in headspace together like this.
To see Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Leon, alive and happy... to see Lynne, Josephina, and Spine relaxing instead of working nonstop... to see Julie, laughing with friends... to see Laurie put her axe away and just smile... it means the world to me. And now even Ryou and Marik are back in the swing of things, which is amazing.
I could never have imagined we'd have this, all of us, and yet here we are.


If this is what it means to live in this new world we are facing... it truly is worth everything I've endured to get here.

Always hold on to hope, friends. See you again soon.