notes for moving forwards

some notes about things i've been told/ learned lately, especially about creativity...

+ shadows can be dark or light! others are mirrors? all can TEACH me.
remember, when inner trials occur, i am BEING TESTED. just because old doubts are coming up doesn't mean i'm lost. i'm being tested to make sure i stand strong in the truth, even now.
+ the testing can trigger choking 'self-doubt' BUT it is being brought up purposely to try and get to the bottom of it. face it with light and have no fear!

+ i keep wondering if there is anything i need to do for my 'spiritual family' and forgetting that, dude, you also need to take care of YOURSELF right now. and that includes this physical life AS AN "INDIVIDUAL" ironically.

+ i have FEARS of my own talents: i am afraid of being attacked/ hurt/ etc. because my work is misunderstood or the like. i need to get over this! also I am on the right track, those who have seen how tough the past four months or so have been for me are very proud of how far I've progressed!

+ remember: you are very protected and loved by many angels, inside and out.

+ DON'T EVER STOP DRAWING. strive to "master your art" and do NOT give up. it'll be tough but it will be just as rewarding; that's my kind of mission!
+ i never tried to develop my alleged "talent," especially with schools or classes, because i never thought i was 'good enough' inherently but really dude you are MORE than 'good enough,' i've got immense potential here; my desire to heal and help others will be realized IN AND THROUGH MY WORK.
+ i will be rejected and criticized but that DOESN'T MATTER. those people don't want to understand so don't let it get to you. just keep on truckin. transmute that negative energy.
+ wondering if i might fit into a "bohemian" lifestyle? not being able to 'settle down' very well, and having an inclination for travel/ exploration. this would inevitably cause me to become very independent; notably a "masculine energy core" with me finally having control over my finances and things.
+ someone suggested that i should go to philadelphia, check out the schools, VISIT THE MUSEUM and 'do my own interpretations' of the art there. i felt this strange burst of excited joy at this, don't know why, but that's notable.
+ DON'T GET STUCK. keep branching out. don't pigeonhole or limit yourself, ESPECIALLY not concerning other people!! don't feel 'nailed down' to any one thing. get your hands dirty and STOP working on computers so much, that ISN'T WHAT I NEED TO DO. promotion will happen in time, AFTER I choose my focus! there is time yet. be patient and weigh my options.
+ "focus until it is beyond boredom" and "use your eyes to become mirrors"
+ challenge own boundaries, stop allowing 'blockages,' branch out in mediums. 'do something to test myself' EVERY DAY. don't get stagnant, don't get complacent. be daring!
+ getting the same urge to paint and sculpt, really just DO IT ALREADY

+ don't cheat my own health and well-being; i keep thinking too much of others, trying to live for them at the expense of my own functioning. don't! 'use relationships to nurture art?' art is communicative and that REQUIRES PEOPLE. and don't wear myself down to the ground here
+ a concept: utilize natural emotion to motivate me?? like... even turn the pink energy into art, somehow. sublimate it dude, you know that's what you really want here
+ let EVERYTHING 'express me,' i.e. 'express everything as myself' whether it 'fits' or not? basically don't get tied into one thing or another. i've been getting too identified with one look or style. DON'T. whatever you're doing or wearing or whatever, USE IT as it is to express your deeper truths.
+ oh and take lots of pictures, and start writing longhand in a book. just like jmc. i'm lacking that intimately tangible aspect of creativity and she inspires me so so so much in that regard. learn from her, however delicately, with utmost loving respect. do not try to surpass or imitate her. just let her be the muse she forever is.

+ keep your mind and heart open, don't go putting projections on anyone. that includes you. let everyone be who they are, no labeling or paranoia. be honest and sincere. that is the ONLY WAY you can create ANYTHING artistically!!!

+ so many people out in public saying 'you have this wonderful, positive, clear energy about you.' which is... humbling and profound. lots of people smiling around me and everything, and NO FEAR AT ALL. that is new for me, and wonderful.


btw speaking of creativity, I'm STILL working on revising jmua and the like. gotta get cracking now in light of this stuff.
sketching more, feeling less fearful, BUT i've got all these technical books and I NEED TO USE THOSE NOW
music too. don't get frustrated, that's counterproductive! i really want to finish the lg*girls album so get to it
in short I've been on a creative FAST TRACK lately and it feels amazing, really




as for last night......

laurie told me DON'T EXPECT outcomes, don't have even that subtle control mindset. go into life like a kid, excited without putting restrictions on anything, good or bad. let it be whatever God gives you.

also i kept waking up during the night; when i woke up somewhere around 3 or 5am, i clearly remember 'seeing' chaos lying next to me, in the early morning light. he was talking to me about something, i forget what, but the 'feel' of him being THERE next to me, with all that quiet love, was so incredibly strong when I finally woke up I could barely believe it. it was so beautiful.

oh and by the way i still miss everyone in headspace terribly. i love them all so much but where have we been? jo's been stopping by here and there, same with julie. spine was on heavily active duty for weeks and she's still there whenever i need her. nat, lynne, and leon are somewhere on the sidelines. anyway we don't talk and that hurts. laurie is right, we need to communicate.
i've been seeing genesis and xenophon more lately now that school's out; they would try to ghost every day during the semester regardless. what a labor of love. it helped so much, i really owe them one.
celebi is missing. she's an enigma in any sense. i'm worried because she could only ghost through plushies at first, upstairs talk was limited. but i haven't seen her. i'm worried because she was the mirror to my darkest shadow for months! i don't want her to be hurt! go look for her tomorrow during meditation if possible.
i also need to just take a night off and spend it with chaos zero for obvious reasons. father's day is next month too, so if you still want to buy him those roses, go for it (just kidding). but really i love him so much, my heart is practically singing it from the rooftops right now but i haven't felt it like last summer in a long time. that DID hit me today though, for a minute. i think the lack of communication is taking its toll. sounds and sights are getting unclear. so take the time to be with him.
marriage is work. so start working harder. i know we don't quite fit that label but still, the dude's my other half (tarot reading today did emphasize his feminine qualities again though, that is important in light of this eclipse remember).
my biggest wish in the whole world is to be with my spiritual 'family' here, someday soon.
something deep inside tells me that isn't impossible anymore. that is the most beautiful source of hope and joy i can imagine.
be a man. be the father your daughter deserves. be the partner your twin flame deserves.
that love will keep me on the right path. it will never falter. and i firmly believe now that one day, that path will bring us all together.
maybe that's why the 'upstairs' connections have been foggy. maybe we're going to be moving down a floor in the future?
seriously... with this ascension, if i can make one wish, that would be it.
love, love, love, always and forever.