4AM

“Chaos…”
I could barely speak. My heart was pounding, my mind was racing…my eyes were flooded with tears.
I couldn’t remember when my love for him had started to hurt, but I was more than used to it by now.
All I felt was this fire inside my chest… this terrible heartache, this desperate desire to be with him somehow, some way. It was never this bad before.
And yet I just couldn’t take my eyes away from his.
My beloved monster, I often call him… he has the most beautiful green eyes I have seen in my entire life. It still hurts to look into them… and I know exactly why.
Four years ago, we had a song that we sang together. I still remember some of the words.
“How can you see into my heart when you look deep into my eyes? What can you see?”
Isn’t it funny how that happens every time, now?
Even though I might be hurting so beautifully right now… in this moment, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is feeling the same way.
When you’re this close you just know.
I can’t help it anymore.
I just want to feel my heartbeat against his chest… I want to feel his ethereal body against mine. I want to kiss him until the lights are on, just like that old poem said.
Never in my life did I ever think I would feel like this for anyone… let alone him.
And yet here I am.
He looked at me then, the same desperate fire visible in his own eyes. In that moment I realized that I had no idea how deeply we would lose ourselves tonight.

 

 

 

I think I've just died

 

Look at this. Look at how amazing this is.



I am hopelessly in love with that guy. (And nobody knows! This is driving me crazy!)


Even so... I don't care how bad a day I've had so far.
That picture just negated every single negative moment since... geez, since July.


Thank you Suna for making this afternoon absolutely fantastic, I swear.
Go thank her, honestly.



...
And now I hurt just as badly as I did at 4AM. Geez.
*gets out the mechanical pencils*


Secret's out.

 

Current Mood: Wow.
Current Music: "The Sound" (Orson)

 

 

 

missing dreams

40 minutes. It's a new record.

Seriously... last night was so stressful and loaded with assignments that I only got 40 minutes of sleep between 5 and 6 AM. Nightmarish.
I hate losing sleep like that, but geez... with all that work, I can't sleep... and I can't take it.

I used to have such beautiful, beautiful dreams.
Now I can't remember them at all. Not a single one.
I want to go back.
Dear God, I want to go back to who I was before 2008...

Did you notice?
Early January of this year, I had a severe mental breakdown.
I never recovered.
My life has been spiraling downhill since then, and even though it has had it's good points here and there, so much negativity and fear has crept into my life... it's scaring me to death.
Julie has gotten so loud.
Laurie has become so vicious...
...I've become such a failure.

I know, I know. You're all going to say 'what the fish are you talking about; you're not a failure' but the truth is that only I know what really goes on in this screwed-up life over here, and what happens is more than enough for me to call myself a failure.
Most of the time.
That's one little thing I'm happy to have now... a little bit of self-esteem.
I blame all my Xanga, dA, and Skype conversations, actually.
Laurie, Jim, Chaos Zero, Q, Selph... they're the major 'earthly' factors keeping me from crashing completely here.
God always helps. I mean, geez, he put them all in my life! I don't know where I'd be without them.

I have a lot of friends now, and that surprises me... but it's nice.
I've never had that before.


Alright, and now for a random newsflash because I really am going to call it quits for the night (Chaos was freaking out over my massive fatigue this morning-- he'll flip if I stay up any later!).
You know my two dA clubs?
I finally sketched out IDs for them both! Yeah!
They look awesome. I don't know how I managed to get the ideas down so well, but I did!
I'll try to draw the actual things when I get home from classes tomorrow. Then I'll color and post them, and finally you can see them!
Next, you know my custom Selph icon on dA?
I'm almost finished with a Chaos Zero one in that same style.
Hey, I figured he deserved to be my icon for a while! I've had Celebi, Grievous, Barry, Davy, and heaven knows who else for my icon... but no Chaos. Shock and horror! Time to fix that.
Also, SunaNiGHTS drew THIS beautiful thing.
http://sunanights.deviantart.com/art/Bugman-Doodles-98067269
Every time I look at that I kind of die from euphoria a little, haha.
I have it set as my desktop background, too! I'm going to try and pick up a bit of Suna's style for him because he looks absolutely incredible. I love his eyes, and she got his head shape down perfectly. Few people do that.
You know what else people usually don't do when they draw Chaos? They don't give him any attitude! XD I swear, he's such a crazyhead it actually feels weird for me to see him with no drawn expression on dA. Suna also got his trademark smirk spot-on, which is brilliant.

Is it just me, or do I rant about Chaos Zero in almost every entry of mine?

Oh well. Time to try and dream for once.
I'll see you kids later!





Come on, baby
Why the long face?
You're messing up my head space!
I can see you've had a hard day
Let's talk about it anyway.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
Don't you know if you got problems
That I'm here to help you solve 'em?

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day.

I don't always say the right thing
So let me make it better.
But if I try to write it down
Don't go tearing up my letter.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
I know I don't always get it
But you've got to give me credit.

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day...