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Transportation failure
Phone calls
Mass online. New church!
Homily about "fickleness of faith"; getting tripped up by temptations & desires, "double minded" really. This vacullation versus stability of martyrs: focused on Jesus, devoted to Gospel, DEDICATED UNTO DEATH.
"Are we fickle when it comes to our baptismal commitment, to our living out the Christian commandments, or are we more like a martyr? Being consistent, making Jesus Lord of our lives, Not just When it is opportune it works out it feels good, but even in the most challenging of times. Let us pray that we may continue to know God's will and live God's will each and every day."
Lovely music. Couldn't tell if it was live or not at first because it was so well orchestrated, but then the male singer's voice cracked twice and it was so endearingly human, honestly I loved it even more for that.
(find it and link it here. i want to remember it.)
Phone appointment
Breached trauma topic at last
Daily book devotionals
STILL TERRIFIED OF MATRIMONY METAPHOR.
Lord please I NEED to work through this because it's SEPARATING ME FROM JESUS.
...
Thank you letter comparison with Psalms, very sweet & thought provoking.
VOTD Craig Groeschel!!!!! Fave dude
HOLY GRIEF. (PENTHOS!!!!!)
Quote the reflection because DANG
...and yet, I don't grieve enough.
My tears feel shallow. My chest feels hollow. My heart feels empty. It's that old "scraped-out" sensation, awful and bereft, like someone took a dirty spoon and just carved out my insides like a gourd. Nothing is left but the hard rind.
...I wonder if this means more than I ever realized. I legit feel the Holy Spirit winking at me.
I keep saying "I need to get my fire back." I've been frozen for so long. Maybe that's what God has scooped out so totally-- maybe all my guts were iced. Maybe it all HAD to go. But then... what? I'm no longer a consumable object. Oh my gosh. There's nothing in me to rip out & eat anymore. I'm emptied out. But I'm not useless. Now, God can reach in, right down through where He's knifed me through, in a perfect circle plunging deep, like a halo or a laurel wreath... and He can place His candle in me.
... I need to think about this more later, when it's not breakfast. God give me the grace to hear & listen & understand & accept & WRITE IT DOWN.
...but, man. I have a TWISTED VIEW of "comfort."
Please reread 2 Corinthians 1. My definition is all wrong. My heart has gotten so hard & cold; honestly at this point I think it's even studded with spikes. It's vaulted against all invasion, all touch, all closeness. It's armed for defense & repellant, and despite all those protective efforts, it's dying. It has forgotten it is a heart.
How did we get this bad? When? God, what do we do now? What first step do we take? Should we be careful, or should we just take a sledgehammer to it?
...
SPEAKING OF HEARTS & WEAPONS
Bizarre visual during therapy. On evil porch. Infi AS INFIDHELL. huge, horrible, all teeth.
I was there floating above, AS "ME"???? body mirror BLACK RESONATING form. Solemnly reached INTO CHEST to get sword-- as all Cores do-- BUT it came out like a twisted black metal sword COVERED IN BLOOD. And I stabbed "Infi" down through the skull, impaling "TBAS" below as well, with that nightmare grin frozen on their face.
I realized Jay couldn't do this, OR Jewel. Jay can't attack Infi AND the WHITE Core Sword-- which is crystalline-- CANNOT BE USED SO BRUTALLY. Same with Jewel, resonating at heart RED, she is for battle but NOT death? But... I pulled out a BLACK sword. And it is MEANT to deal out death-- but GRAVELY. It is NOT for battle. It is for EXECUTION.
...
BTW the scent of that "peppermint bark" lip balm from the hospital pings Jay SO HARD. It is absolutely his vibe.
He's so pure, so good and shining and softhearted. But that is also what killed him. He couldn't see the shadows as shadows. He loved the things in the velvet dark. He shone so brightly that he couldn't admit he was capable of being blinded by that very light. He didn't rot, he didn't even calcify really-- he got bleached out. Like a skeleton on the beach, he was stripped bare and left to crumble into dust.
...
Okay I NEEDED this kids devotional I actually laughed out loud=
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/42466?orientation=portrait&utm_content=story_clip&utm_medium=share&utm_source=yvapp
Darn good challenge too. That is, scarily and surprisingly, something we struggle with VERY much. We're afraid to speak up for Jesus because we feel we CAN'T speak of Him properly. CNC showed us both our foolish pride, and our utter ignorance. We didn't know God at ALL. So... we still hesitate to talk about Him. DO we know Him even now? It's our biggest fear.
But darn it we HAVE TO TRY. Its not about relying on our own stupid knowledge. We're always gonna come up short. What we NEED to do is TRUST THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE US and then COURAGEOUSLY SURRENDER TO THAT GUIDANCE. Believe me, when you let HIM work through you, WITH LOVE, then you CAN speak rightly about God-- because GOD IS LOVE and without that basic foundation behind your words you're SUNK!!!
And you DO love God. We all do and you KNOW IT. Be brave for the sake of that love. Be humble in your human weakness but confident in God's mission & grace, and so go forth and fight the good fight of loving faith & faithful love with the sword GOD gave you-- His WORD!! Remember, YOU'RE not the light-- CHRIST IS. Your words aren't what matters here; HIS ARE. And THAT sure foundation is where you can stand steadfast against any verbal storms.
Sorry I'm rambling. But please, don't bite your tongue when you have a chance to mention God, even just in passing. Be a witness. Be a martyr of the heart. Say you know Him.
...
Fasted by not putting extra salt on the eggs, because it's the Ember Days. It was amusingly difficult, haha. But that's good, that made it a real sacrifice.
We can't fast much else otherwise, as we're already a vegetarian eating 1.5 meals a day at ~1200K. Our priest told us flat-out not to lean anorexic with this because boy howdy despite all our petty whining last night we ARE VERY TEMPTED to restrict to extremes for proud "look how much I can torture my body" bottom line ascetism. It's not about giving up for love, in that mindset-- it becomes instead about cutting out for spite, or beating up for hate.
Plus the Lord knows that our mental health plummets the more we neglect the body-- which we like to do more than is healthy, again from a spiritually sick standpoint of body refusal & loathing, which DOES go against the sanctity & destined Resurrection of the body in Catholic doctrine which we NEVER LEARNED until we accidentally stumbled across it recently-- and when we get that bad, prayer & service become very muffled & tainted. So we do need to eat.
It's admittedly hard, though. We don't like feeling like we're a coward, or a milquetoast. We WANT to be strong & suffer more. But that's PRIDE yet. It's just the misogynistic vanity finding another outlet. We have to be honest about our ugliest faults; only once we have named their specie and looked them dead in the face can we properly plunge a sword through their jaws.
CONCERNING LAZARUS'S GRAVE-STONE=
"What is now shewn as the sepulchre of Lazarus is an excavation in the ground with steps down to it. The stone would keep out beasts of prey."
IS THAT WHAT WE DID TO OUR HEART???
Went into "heart Cathedral" during prayer. I forget what inspired it. BUT WE HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO GO THERE IN YEARS!!!!!!
AND IT HAS CHANGED.
it is now BLACK and GOTHIC looking architecture. Smoky stone black, not inky or painted, but like those old ancient churches in Europe with the stone darkened by decades of candles... and our Cathedral is FULL of red candles. Little ones in dozens of rows, like we love.
We can't see the stained glass yet.
The place is so quiet, and feels smaller than the original WHITE Cathedral, the one tied to the Jays (NOT the Lotus Cathedral-- that was DIFFERENT remember!!!!)
But GEEZ. WOW.
GO BACK THERE IN A MEDITATION ASAP. WE HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD SOULDIVE ADVENTURE IN AGES. IF WE CAN SEE THE CATHEDRAL, IT'S TIME. THIS IS A LITERAL MILESTONE. IT COULD BE A HINGE. DON'T LET THIS GO UNEMBRACED.
...
FINALLY watched Porco Rosso tonight
WE DIDNT EXPECT IT TO BE THIS GOOD, OH MAN
Forgive me, honestly. It was such a touching film. Beautiful.
Chaos 0 and I suddenly so in love after. Around 1230am so no surprise there but... I miss this. Quiet and unexpected but so real and deep.
Nervous about tomorrow schedule. Gotta just put it in God's hands. Daily Mass FINALLY returns on Friday. Get some sleep before then kiddo
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(faithpasting tonight was an actual spiritual experience. read it here.)
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