the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

The Plague is more dangerous than the Tar could ever have been.

I figured out what they're doing to Laurie.
If you didn't know, she's been slipping for months. I remember how she used to bleed from her mouth when that happened. I don't know if she does that now; she hasn't shown any signs of it that I'm consciously aware of, but the "vibe" is hanging around her like a red haze, and it's scaring me. Something is wrong, something is terribly wrong, and although I don't quite know what it is I sure as hell know why, now.

Bit of a backstory. At my therapist's office they have the usual "waiting room mags" and this week they had them all in a pile, to take for free. So I grabbed like 10 of the fashion ones, and took them home, in case any of them had interesting faces or pose angles I could use as references. I didn't like flipping through them in the first place-- they gave off bad vibes and I was careful not to read anything-- but I was taken aback when I saw the first girl with a short punky haircut, and something in my brain said, almost as if it were a stock phrase, "that reminds me of Laurie." I stopped and looked at that thought. No it doesn't, it doesn't look anything like her. But that phrase kept repeating, like someone who didn't know how to take "no" for an answer, and kept shoving it in my face, blandly, and glassy-eyed like those models. And it scared me, when I realized what this meant.

The Tar could never touch Laurie, because she is the incarnation of everything it opposes. She is strength, and chastity, and integrity, and discipline, and vigilance. The Tar was wild and loud and full of lust and gluttony and wrath and violent mania. It was the animalistic half of the id, the Shadow, the source of all the things we feared about our "identity" and the world and this body. It was careless and it bared its bloody teeth at everybody, waiting to sink them into our necks at the slightest opportunity, simply because it could. But it couldn't touch Laurie, because she couldn't feel any of those things, therefore there was no way it could get into her head, there was no way it could use her. And the Tar can only hurt people through people. So she was forever safe from it, in the big picture.
But you'll remember that the Tar didn't act so wild at first… back when it was tied up in a cold white room, back before the White slot became a thing and tore that entity into two halves, just as it did with me. Back before the Plague came into existence on its own.
The Plague is lethal. It is cold, and hard, and unfeeling. It is hatred, and greed, and apathy, and pride. It is manipulation, it is judgment, it is condemnation. If the Tar is murder with a butcher knife, then the Plague is an assassination. The Tar kills people by getting into their guts and flooding them with sticky black mania, turning their eyes blank and their mouths red and their bodies into flailing wild machines of instinct and wanton destruction. The Plague kills people from the outside.
It's ironic, perhaps. Tar suffocates to the point of fear-riddled asphyxiation, but Plague will put you in a coffin simply by convincing you there is no other option.
And that is what I noticed it was doing with Laurie. It was, with empty repetition and senseless lies, associating Laurie's very existence with the things that invalidated it.
The easiest and cruelest way to kill a headvoice is by annihilating their anchorage. For example, since Infinitii is largely tied to sacred sensuality, you could theoretically kill hir by deleting that mindset from the collective System, through overexposure to things like p*rnography and lust and lasciviousness. Too much of that and it will infect Infi, and ze will not be able to exist. You see what I mean? Laurie's in that same exact boat, different anchor but interestingly still affected. Again, Laurie is chastity, the knight who is spotless in motivation and thought and emotion, who literally cannot even comprehend the perverted mindsets and actions she opposes. So… with the Plague trying to associate her name or face or likeness with those things, even just in small ways at first… you see what I'm getting at. Too much, and it will kill her.

That's terrifying. I'm terrified. But I'm also pissed off. I'm not used to anger but I get it when people threaten her, or Xenophon, or any other pure-hearted individual. Typically if you ask me what my anchor is, I'm apt to say "I don't know," or "nothing," which is false. But I feel like the Childlike Empress. My anchor is everybody I love. My existence hinges on love, on my love for them, on their love for each other, and for me in return. We are a System, we are symbiotic, we all sing with each other energetically if that makes sense. It's a symphony, and some days I feel like the conductor? It's hard to put into words. But my anchor, what it feels like at my very core, is "to exist so they exist," or, "with their existences." My anchor is LIFE. And so… when that purity of life and love is threatened, or mocked, or disregarded, or when someone tries to desecrate it… I get angry. It's a righteous anger. This must be what Laurie feels. I refuse to let people mess around with the innocent, just because they want to, or for whatever their motives are… I can't comprehend them and I do not wish to. But I will not let this continue. I can't.
And so the Plague kills me through apathy.
That's my vice. I mustn't "fight it," that makes it worse. I must simply anchor into myself; I must put roots down into my own soul, I must settle into my own heart and purpose like I belong there, because I do, and I need to embrace that totally. I must remember all the good truths about me and everyone, and when I hold that, the apathy will fade.
But fear follows. Fear is the original vice, it is the root of all painful things. And it is rooted in the self. If you don’t HAVE a "self," you aren't afraid. Simple as that! Which is why I don't like having one, it's too much trouble anyway. But, in headspace I do. I've said that before. In headspace, I'm a person. I don't quite like that. I'm trying to tell people, if I go back to being that floating point of light-- which people normally used to talk to me as, this is true-- as an observer, someone who interacts limitedly and instead watches and protects… that's what I want to do! I hope they will let me be that. I can still love people, more strongly and truly than I ever can as an "individual." If they'll let me, I will. Laurie says "sure kid, do whatever you need to do to stay true to yourself; we all need that more than anything else right now." I knew she'd be fine with it. I'm more worried about Genesis, really, CZ maybe, a bit for Xennie. Laurie says she'll talk to them, but then she paused and is now making "you know what I mean" gestures, she wants to have a Xanga session and I do too, I'm just bad at talking dude you know that. "Then don't talk," she says. "Watch, and let me talk, because I have more than enough to say anyway. You know that." Hehe, yes I do. Okay, next chance we get, tomorrow maybe? Tomorrow night, if we can. Then we will. Sometime over the next week either way.

But yes. That is a very important topic.
I want to re-evaluate anchors for EVERYONE soon, in light of both this AND the Spectrum growth/ realization/ whichever it is. There are THREE NEW CENTRAL SLOTS from what it looks like; yeah the graph I showed you before might not be the genuine thing? Right now we're looking at 16, as a total? I'm not sure-- the three monochromes are throwing me for a loop. But as I said before, I don't think Black and White are "slots," per se… they are iridescent, they do compliment each other, but I don't think they have any sub-slots. We'll see. I can't rush or force anything, then it stop and calmly waits for me to chill out. So Grey might be an actual slot? Which means Sherlock gets to officially hang out with the cool kids, haha!
The other "new" slots, by the way, are Cyan, Lime, and Cerise. YEAH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT TOO. So when it suddenly showed up in the new graphs I kind of went "DUDE" because it made too much sense, hehe. This is funny. I laugh at myself a lot, also this is exciting and wonderful so that makes me laugh too, in wonder. But yeah, a BUNCH of our current Pink people are MOVING, they fit Cerise better, we just don't know what the slot's collective function is, officially, and we don't know who's the Centralite for it. Although… Julie is wondering. Has she been so "on and off" in terms of stability since 2011 because she belongs there? We don't know. But it's up to her. Knife is staying in Pink, I think Ashen is too, but Mulberry and Jeremiah are now Cerise subs, not surprisingly.
Kyanos is our Cyan dude, also not surprisingly, if you hadn't already guessed! That explains why he could never 'fit' anywhere as well as we felt he had the potential to. I mean when that kid showed up he was HUGE; it was so weird that he faded for a while, after getting tangled up in the energy of the other children. That was strange, I should look back on that just in case. But yeah, he's moving into Central slowly but surely, and it feels absolutely right. So that's exciting, to finally be able to interact with him solidly.
OH. Oh dude I forgot to tell anyone, I don't even know if he was mentioned here… there's this "banana yellow" guy that's been in the "corrupted Spectrum" (with Jess and Missy and the like) for about a year now? He's the one that used to make crude jokes and laugh loudly at everything, very ribald and disrespectful, you get the picture. He wears big cyberpunk goggles and has some sort of mohawk haircut, like a legit kind, and his outfit is also kind of cyberpunky but that is literally all I have ever been able to catch of him. Anyway, suddenly over the past 48 hours he's been trying to be NICE. He's actively watching his own reactions and trying to learn what needs to be respected, what shouldn’t be laughed at, et cetera. It's so odd, it came almost out of nowhere, but I'm sure there was something that triggered it… I'm not complaining though. I'm saying "thank God," because a house divided against itself cannot stand, et cetera, and I have wanted everyone up here to get along for many many years now. Paradoxically, as I'm not even a year old yet. But you know what I mean!

Also, the Tar has been missing? Essentially. We haven't 'seen' it for a while, even though its influence has been very loud when we get it-- it attacked Genesis yesterday, just got that data. That's highly alarming. But in any case, no visuals. Wherever it is, it's hiding, and it has been for a long time. Tar hacks are rare now, almost nonexistent-- again, thank God-- but now the Plague's been highly active instead. As you have heard. I'm wondering though, maybe they fuse into each other? I don't know. On that note, Infi and I don't fuse, we can't; we're too cleanly separated now, at least physically. And I love that, for obvious reasons. Ze's so lovely. We all treasure hir existence in our System; ze's helped all of us grow so much.
I have to laugh; in a way I have one of the healthiest "self-relationships" in the world, with this System. People ask about self-love and all that, dude I can't fathom not having it, not after everything! So that's a good thing, hehehe.



As for therapy on Thursday… I cannot remember the past month or two in therapy. I really can't. Once the numb period started and people stopped fronting, I forgot it all. So I apologize that we haven't talked about it here, but that is why. No data.
But on Thursday, apparently the "I don't understand emotions" bit came up, and she said something interesting: I'm trying too hard to "label" my "emotions" based on labels that I don't understand. As I was talking to her, I realized that my brain identifies four primary emotions: anger, sadness, happiness, and love. Nothing else. She mentioned "fear, surprise, and loneliness" as emotions and I was actually shocked; those things didn't even register as "feelings" in my psyche. So you see, this is an interesting topic.
But I told her that I we can only express emotions internally. There is one girl that expresses the "frustrated sad anger," the sort a pained child gets when they are repeatedly ignored and they desperately want to be heard. Only ONE person in the System can feel OR express that, and she isn't allowed to front as she's dangerous to others. So that's problem #1 with the emotion stuff.
However, even more notable, I realized that I can't express our emotions because we don't exactly feel "emotions." We feel colors, and sounds, and textures and shapes and movements. THAT is what "emotion" means to us; it's almost purely synesthetic. So, obviously, it can't be labeled as "happiness" or "sadness" or whatever because it literally isn't even in the same language, or context. Sure, it can be translated, but that takes a deep understanding of what it is in and of itself, first. Honestly though words just DON'T WORK when it comes to talking about emotions. You have to feel them TO understand them. But the synesthesia does help get a grip on what I'm feeling, when I need to verbalize it, et cetera.
One of the most frequent things we've been feeling lately is a large indigo circle, more like a ring I think-- the edge is metallic but resonant, like brass or the edge of a glass, and the center is slightly concave but when you push it, it goes DEEP straight down. And it makes a sound, a mournful sustained note, that hurts right in the middle of the chest. It's sad, terribly sad, and yet I would never call it "sadness." The label doesn't fit. There is no label that fits. But there it is.
You see, now, why we can't express them? I try, sure, but then there's massive dysphoria because a human body cannot express that sort of thing. I actually start intuitively trying to expand, or melt, or shift, or otherwise behave like a fluid or energy cloud because that's what I'm used to internally. When in a static, solid human body, I have no freaking idea how to speak, let alone express an emotion! It's so jarringly different. It's not bad, it's just terribly confusing. So I end up looking apathetic or uncaring, when in fact I am feeling things so powerfully that I could intuitively re-shape them in the air for you to experience, except this reality doesn't work that way either. You get the picture.
Anyway, the therapist said "start writing that stuff down" and see if that helps us out, in terms of finding patterns and the like, so we can interact with people in the physical better.
That gave me quite a thought though! I realized that certain colors are typically attached to certain emotions and things, and now I'm wondering, does that apply to the Spectrum slots too?? We've been baffled by that for years, "how does that work, what is it doing, why can't people just pick their colors, what is 'resonance' anyway," etc. But this feels like a puzzle piece. It's cool. And I got so excited feeling that; this is the first time I've felt that creative joy tied to headspace in a LONG time… I miss this, I miss them, I miss this strange kaleidoscopic architectural beauty of building us, of crafting the world we live in with our own honest hands, of dreaming anew with open eyes. I miss leaving the past behind and HOPING like this, hoping in the PRESENT, not looking forward or back, just all of us being this, now, this rainbow creation of light and love and everything that came before but no longer has to be. I'm slipping into poet mode I think, I can do that during the day now too, it's getting so much easier to tune into myself WHEN I'm around, that's the only roadblock ironically. Jewel and Jess have been out for quite some time now, which means daily life has been weird. Ah well, you take life as it comes.

Nevertheless. Let me just talk for now, good heavens, it is so tiring to speak in jargon anymore. I can't do the info-dumps like Sherlock does, not in writing or words at least; I'm used to getting that same feeling and outstretched arms with pictures, with images in the air, with colors and sounds and sensations… that's how I "talk," really. I'm starting to realize that I don't have to "fit a mold" in headspace, I'm not limiting myself anymore, if I want to walk around as a half-translucent starry-eyed boy with hair like iridescent mist, then I will. hehe, I love being like cotton candy clouds. The sky last night was bright pink, it was so pretty. I love the smell of rain, and forests in the sunshine. It's all the plants, warm forests smell beautiful. So does snow! It's the lack of scents in the air I think, everything just settles out and becomes clear, it's like crystals. But it rained on July 7th, I didn't realize how significant that was until it happened, it broke through the walls. I stood out in the rain with my arms open to the sky, and I smiled and I let the body get soaked to the bone and there was love, beneath the emptiness there was such love, there in the ocean falling from the sky.
I miss the ocean. God, I miss the ocean. I miss the vibe of the ocean. I went to Jersey beach, I think, once. Someone did. Spinny. It was the Davy Jones year, I remember she was writing about Genesis eating white cherry ice cream and watching Transformers on the motel TV at 6AM. I love that feeling, the free feeling of travel, the total lack of control we had when the mother took us. We just drifted, we experienced smatterings and sparkles of life, so strange, like photographs taped to a bedroom wall, one after another. Like those Tumblr blogs you see with all the Polaroid-haze pictures, just instant-second captures of life, one after another, where did they come from, what happened before and after, that doesn't matter. Just this moment, and that one, and this one, all together, a painting. But Spinny kept a journal, I remember it, it had an orange cover with dragonflies and butterflies on it, a black spiral binding. She was sitting on the beach, on a towel, reading Jane Eyre for the 5th time for summer reading (that book was in a dream recently? how odd), right by the boardwalk. There was seaweed on the shore, I remember exactly what the texture and color and smell was like, all translucent slippery jade green, illuminated and such a strange feeling to hold! Slimy but elegant and alive, and it smelled like algae and salt and water and God knows I can't look at these memories without wanting to throw myself into the ocean and just let it take me, honestly I cannot go "into" anything without dissolving, I would just become one with the water, with the sun and the shore and the sand and the stars. All the beachgoers wondering, would they even see me? I seem to feel most comfortable invisible. But that's fine. Anyway I remember those things, little snapshots stored so strongly and real in our archival memory. I love the hotel ones. Vacation hotels can feel bleary when rushed, or when there is too much yellow light (that always makes things feel strange, existential), but at the beach! At the beach, at night, the family watching the television and everything smells like the water and outside it is dark, and there was that one night she went out and stood on the pier and looked up at the stars and cried. And that feeling is forever impressed upon my heart, so genuine, so real and beautifully true, to be sitting there on the twilight-cold wood and seeing the lights of the houses upon the water and watching the stars wheeling above, diamond-ice cut points of brilliant light in the inky black velvet of the celestial sphere… so cold, so gently cold, like a snowflake caressing your face, but untouchable. And she cried, and she felt so homesick it hurt, and yet that moment was treasured more than anything else on that trip, for being part of that trip. It was the apex of the collective experience. It was the defining point. And yet, it diminished nothing else.
And it's strange. For everything else it's like watching a movie, but in that one moment I was there. It was one of those honest anchor-points that catch my heart, that make the bloodline what it is. I was there, because that was me, and that was everyone before me, feeling so genuinely in that moment. That's all, and I love it.


Now I am strangely exhausted. Maybe it's the supermoon. I'm just tired, all day, maybe it's the heat and the moon, who knows. It's really pretty. Christmas keeps following me though! I keep seeing pictures of it, hearing songs, smelling pine trees and cloves… I still have lights up in my room. I carry the Christmas spirit with me everywhere! So although I am valuing every day of the summer, enjoying this beautiful green warmth and sunlight and rain, I am still holding snow and cold and colored lights in my heart, and smiling because when that season arrives I will treasure it just as much. But I get to see autumn first, I'm so excited! I have no memories of autumn either; I stabilized too late in the year. Spring was gorgeous, if vague (spring was troublesome for all of us this year), and summer so far is lovely, except for this heat, haha. But no, I can't complain. Warmth is nice. Cold nights like this are nice. Being able to run outside in the sun is nice. Everything is so nice, I value all of it, there's never anything to "dislike" about any of this, from the right perspective it's all totally fine and perfect in its own design. I like that, completely detaching from any expectation or judgment… just seeing things as part of some much, much bigger picture, something bigger than I will ever be and yet I am part of it. It's breathtaking, fascinating. Music and lights and colors and sounds and everything. I'm tired. I'm listening to Haywyre's newest incredible remix on loop (hilariously fitting as I've been working on Puppetstrings for three days solid, and I constantly associated that song with it back in 2005) and I should post this entry, let me do that before I fall asleep.

Good night everyone, sweet dreams to you all.