"how we feel" december 17-24 2024

2024 Tue Dec 17 12:47 AM

I'M FEELING = DESPAIR

WHY = Another awful binge night.
More lights burned out in kitchen.
Feeling dead and useless.
God why does this keep happening?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior;Going To Bed

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2024 Tue Dec 17 9:23 AM

I'M FEELING = UNEASY

WHY = Shaken. Disturbing flat nightmares about the apocalypse and sxual predators.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Tue Dec 17 9:44 AM

I'M FEELING = AMAZED & IN LOVE

WHY = MY GIRL IS IN THE NEW BOOSTER PACKS
THANK YOU GOD
THIS FEELS LIKE THE PUREST TRUEST HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
I AM LITERALLY CRYING I LOVE HER SO MUCH

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Playing Pokemon TCG Pocket

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2024 Tue Dec 17 12:41 PM

I'M FEELING = INADEQUATE & WEARY

WHY = My life feels utterly pointless.
I feel like I've failed at everything.
Nothing gives me joy. It all seems so hollow.
Even trying to connect to religion makes me feel my filth and guilt so acutely it's crushing.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Tue Dec 17 1:39 PM

I'M FEELING = INADEQUATE & HOPELESS

WHY = My past is a ruin. My present is in shambles.
What future could I ever hope to have?

Please, please, remember Jeremiah.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Tue Dec 17 2:01 PM

I'M FEELING = REINVIGORATED

WHY = THANKS JEM GODFREY!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2024 Tue Dec 17 7:18 PM

I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = lunch binge complete with manic buying
this is a living nightmare
I am in hell
I want to die rather than this

and mom wants us to bake tomorrow
God help us

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Tue Dec 17 8:43 PM

I'M FEELING = EMPTY & DEFEATED

WHY = I can't do this anymore. 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Wed Dec 18 12:39 AM

I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & ANGUISHED

WHY = I've lost so much
My life feels utterly bereft of meaning
I feel broken beyond repair
Was I ever truly capable of love?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

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2024 Wed Dec 18 3:43 AM

I'M FEELING = AVOIDANT & DESOLATE

WHY = have to eat tomorrow
have to go up the house tomorrow
exterminator tomorrow
no sleep again

God what are You planning with all this
it's crushing me to dust

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed

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2024 Wed Dec 18 12:24 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & DREAD

WHY = Family food horror

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Lou's House,Talking To Mom

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2024 Wed Dec 18 12:27 PM

I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & IRKED

WHY = Mom hoarding & nonstop noise

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Talking To Mom

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2024 Wed Dec 18 2:58 PM

I'M FEELING = TRIGGERED & AGITATED

WHY = Bad music and food everywhere, nonstop noise

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Wed Dec 18 5:32 PM

I'M FEELING = PANICKED & DISCOMBOBULATED

WHY = Too much. Too much. 

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting;Mom's House,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Wed Dec 18 7:27 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED & HELPLESS

WHY = Pecan allergy surprise

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Wed Dec 18 8:57 PM

I'M FEELING = FROZEN & DEFEATED

WHY = binge plan
too late
no sleep
God help me

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Thu Dec 19 2:20 AM

I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE 

WHY = i give up

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

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2024 Thu Dec 19 5:31 AM

I'M FEELING = AFRAID

WHY = No sleep. Body wrecked. Busy day.
God please help us survive.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Thu Dec 19 1:56 PM

I'M FEELING = REVERENT & SAFE

WHY = Unexpected schedule change allowed me to visit My Lord.
After a hell week this is a true glimpse of heaven.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Adoration

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2024 Thu Dec 19 3:23 PM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED & DISENCHANTED

WHY = Still have to pick up mom tonight. Terrified of her plans for the next 5 days.
No desire to eat, at all. No appetite. The very thought of food is distasteful.
Still have to eat. The body needs it.
Terrified of how badly it WILL want it once it starts.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 19 7:06 PM

I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DEFEATED

WHY = Short binge, but a binge nevertheless.
I get so hungry. I can't stop eating carrots and apples. Then my body throws up from sheer nausea and terror.
What the hell does it want?
What are you starving to death for???
You're killing me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Thu Dec 19 10:23 PM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & CONFLICTED

WHY = Ate a real dinner. Didn't cut calories. This poor body needs it after a WEEK of abuse.
Still, it's scary to have eaten that much, even all healthy foods.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cleaning

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2024 Fri Dec 20 11:15 AM

I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED & DETERMINED

WHY = Eating breakfast with the System. Beautiful talks so far.
Determined to get through today safely, together.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

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2024 Fri Dec 20 2:12 PM

I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & NAUSEATED

WHY = The reading club book for January is disturbing me and getting too much into my head & infecting my inner narrative.
Want to throw up from this.
Not going to. Time for prog rock antiviral.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Reading Secular Books

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2024 Fri Dec 20 3:20 PM

I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS & THANKFUL 

WHY = Mealtime worry, and we daringly put our phone on SILENT so we don't get triggered, which is making us feel guilty albeit more relieved.
BUT it's SNOWING OUTSIDE and the air smells beautiful and we're deeply happy about that.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

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2024 Fri Dec 20 9:43 PM

I'M FEELING = EMPTY & HOLLOW

WHY = running away from existing

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Sat Dec 21 12:09 AM

I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & AFRAID

WHY = twitchy weak & scared

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Physical Pain;Reading Secular Books,

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2024 Sat Dec 21 12:57 PM

I'M FEELING = TRIGGERED

WHY = This bloody book. Can't wait until it's over.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Reading Secular Books

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2024 Sat Dec 21 6:25 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & HOPEFUL

WHY = Didn't have to go up the house.
Finally got to confession.
Felt a surge of real love for Anxi during Mass.
Planned & prepped food for tomorrow, together.
Gonna watch BOTH Venom movies tonight.
It's beautifully cold & snowy outside.
Genuine, real hope for life at last.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Talking To Central;Exercising;Meal Planning

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2024 Sat Dec 21 10:52 PM

I'M FEELING = ENTHRALLED & RELAXED

WHY = Watching the Venom films! 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Watching A Movie