081423

quick stream-of-consciousness post for the sake of continuous daily updates.
sorry we have to update like this lately, but it's this or nothing!
better to get into a routine of typing, however disjointed, then to neglect updating altogether, which we were doing.

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sunday morning BLOOD SUGAR HELL
first day in over a week that we don't feel like our body is dying, and then THIS hits
first time since anorexia time period that we remember.
had to take TWO glucose tablets to stabilize. stomach was staging a mutiny. still it was needed.

got home, made breakfast as fast as possible, then JADE CALLED
had to go up the homestead immediately, get her and then LET HER SHOWER at our place.

drive up was a blessing. really truly beautiful.
we never realized just how vital driving & listening to music had become to our mental health
having it back suddenly really drove that point home

tuned guzheng & did some leaguenotes while jade was getting ready
fixing sphere numbers really. defining colors more clearly.
jade took 1.5 hours? don't remember. we were still fasting.
just taking tiny bits of carrots & cereal, & like four raisins, to keep blood sugar up

took a while to clean bathroom haha
"inside out" brain response??? like legit thought of THAT crew as the kneejerk reaction.
laurie half-joking, asking if we were gonna get disgust as an outspacer?
jewel paused, said "oh no, i don't know" haha
who the heck is putting connection strings out though??? no one is getting in heartspace, how is this happening??
look into this actually. maybe there IS potential BUT no one is ACTING on it.
i think mimic is monopolizing all the outspacer energy haha. the man's got too much sheer affection focused on him.

finally got to eat at 3pm
everything was cold, bonus points! weirdly better that way

felt this huge "need" to change up schedule today
started study on book of hosea for the league
took like... two solid hours
we felt AMAZING afterwards. in the zone. happiest we've been in WEEKS, if not months.
NEED to continue religiously creative work like this.

almost forgot to eat dinner haha
830pm

needed to pray but exhausted
said cards on couch. lights reflecting on them like stained glass.
needed to get up & say psalms. asked chaos 0 "will you help me"
he looked at us with such melting love, said yes, and DID. gave us that "heart push" that gave us physical strength & spiritual motive to move. usually laurie does that for us. meant so much to feel it from him

night prayers at altar
realized headspace was REALLY tuned in the WHOLE TIME which is unusual for those.

at some point, saw phlegmoni fly over to sit on barry's shoulder?
said something about hanging out with him more.
jewel commented "yeah you two both have good hearts"
barry gave her this deadpan look and said effectively "i think my source material would beg to differ on that"
also jokingly banged his fist on his armor, said he arguably didn't have much of a heart in any case to begin with.
did someone comment that jewel tends to pick up people that fit that description? like they're often "irredeemable" villains in canon.
HOWEVER.
jewel got very adamantly ardent about this.
said, basically, "if I have any authority or right to say so, then i'm saying this: you DO have a good heart. i've decided you do. i'm GIVING you one."
"you guys all have to realize, once you come up here into headspace, or heartspace, wherever, that's it. you're getting a good heart. them's the breaks. that's the deal. there's nothing you can do about it." etc.
i remember barry was legit moved by this.
mimic said nothing. but i saw the subtle shift in his solemn face. that hope hit home for him too.

but yeah. try to get clearer dialogue memory.
jewel was TRULY HERSELF talking like that. and it's the truth.
i love how she legit DECIDED though. like, "that's the rule, if you're in here, you DO have a good heart. you can't stop it."
like if she does have so much power in here, by virtue of her origin and role, then that's how she's using it. God bless her.


now we're briefly fixing computer files, realizing how much we lost.
we have no files prior to 2021, it's existentially jarring
oh well it's in the hands of God. we can't change it.

on spotify, going through the "people we love" playlist folder
realizing how many DIFFERENT people are contributing to this.
it's confusing but achingly lovely, and sometimes very sad.
you can FEEL the bloodline emotions shifting around.
there's some conflict, some people feeling "forced to like everyone," others legit wanting to and sad that they don't.
but it's recognized that this is a COLLECTIVE folder. there are different cores/pseudos that add to it.
i'm being completely honest, even bold, in adding to it. when i feel a sparkle, i add that person.
interesting to see who fits the bill.

all right it's 1am, gotta go sleep