062323

 
Hell night
Thought we were dying

... 

Got lots of stomach pain & chest heavy fatigue from food. 

CHARBEL MASS
4 HOURS DUDE

GUNSHOT CONFESSION
(someone started setting off fireworks outside AS we were saying confession near the altar?? but it was SO abrupt and unexpected and bizarre that it immediately registered as gunfire. as far as our awareness was concerned, we were suddenly in a warzone, terrorists ready to storm the building and kill us all. so that confession quickly became very grave. we literally, literally thought were were going to die within moments, and this was our last absolution before coming face-to-face with God.)

Need to PRAY TO FORGIVE MYSELF
I'm wondering if THAT is part of what will bring Infi back
⭐Remember the realization = HOW ZE WAS BORN. MY HEART HAS TO BE MADE NEW FIRST.
ALSO "Create in me a pure heart, God. Make my spirit right again. (Psalms 51:10 ICB)"

Lapide commentary on baptism & Bethesda = Christ the Lamb Blood IN the water, "immersion" of Passion, PSALM 42
The water that heals is TROUBLED, but by an ANGEL
First one was healed only = by faith & zealous pursuit of grace = unity with CHRIST 

...

That religious talk socialish girl is a HOLLOW MOUTHPIECE, an actress. She speaks from a deeper truth, obviously, but she speaks in a canned & theatrical manner with NO FEELINGS!!!
SHE IS THE ONE WHO RUNS THE TUMBLR!!!!!!

For the record, I HONESTLY LOVE SCRIPTURE SO MUCH.

...

Losing hope lately, with the resurgences of eating disorder thanks to family interference/ compulsion/ stress.
"Do you want to be made well?"
Honestly I think I'm afraid of what well would look like.
we always assume that "getting better" involves self-destruction. it's so strange. we have this deepseated corrupt belief that the "best thing for us" is for us to suffer more. like, what everyone else would call "healing" would in actuality be a death for us. why do we think this? what outcome do we fear, can we concretely name it?


(unfinished)

missing nousfoni 2023

MISSING/UNCLEAR NOUSFONI + MENTIONS FROM ENTRIES:

 

CENTRALITES

• JOSEPHINA
• NATHANIEL

 
 

LOTOPHAGOI

• ANOREXIC GIRL (brown?) "listen I have to throw this stuff up okay??"
• HOSPITAL PANIC GIRL (lavender) "I don't want to go back to the hospital"
• TOBIKO (aqua) "don't drink the water, it's sewage"
• ALLEGRA (yellow) "but we're not allergic to anything, it's just vegetables??"
• "POISON" KID (green??? boyish?) "iron toxicity. too much fat, overloading the blood"
• there's ALSO a "MED POISON KID" freaking out over the milk of magnesia
• AND a sweet but scared "am I gonna die?" kid, TALKS TO LAURIE!! IS SHE THE "NIGHT BLUEBERRY" KID????

 
SOCIALS

• "brown haired" angry fronter? NOT overload? long hair. showing up more often now, flipping off the mother, her anchor is way too brunt and huge, who is she really
• manic singers in cars. ruby doesn't count as a manic i dont think? when she sings it's always alone. it's fun and energetic and can SEEM manic because of the childish exuberance of it, but the key of manics is that they are OUTSIDE-ORIENTED and full of almost violent nervous energy. not so with ruby. so that's a relief, that's good.

HACKERS/ HIJACKERS

•  one of the tar-girls, that hellish peach girl who is the WORST hacker, but who only recently got a face… horrible peachy-colored hacker, long hair. behavior is atrocious, disgusting mindsets. but she has ROCK SOLID BODY ROOTS and that is both hideously nauesating and existentially terrifying. is she that old???????
  - she is NOT the same as the lime-haired one from that horrible horrible xanga last week. the two are both twisted as hell but at least the limey one feels vaguely redeemable (her motivations are severely distorted). the fleshtone one does NOT.
  - btw WHATS WITH THE LONG HAIR? why do most of the hackers look the SAME, like the body did when it was about 16-17???? does that have anything to do with the "jacob years???" i.e. late high school, the job/relationship puppet time period. I feel so bad that kid got unintentionally tied to such nonsense but check the time period data regardless. photos DO seem to match up and that DOES make me want to vomit until i cry but that's stress dude. it's awfully distressing.
  - in a notable exception, jezebel likes the short hair, and her earrings, which the mother now has. but she's terrifying still, her hold on the body is WAY too potent, can we change that?

 

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MAKE A POSSIBLE NEEDED NOUSFONI JOB LIST
(REFER BACK TO OLD THERAPY PAPERS)
EMBRACE OUR POLYFRAGMENTED PRISM. IT’S ALL LOVE.
DON’T FORCE OR OVER-SPLIT THOUGH. ONLY ASSIGN WHAT NEEDS A STANDALONE FUNCTION.

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 NOUSFONI MENTIONED IN UPMC THAT WE HAVEN’T SEEN:

 

• soymilk girl; timelocked in kitchen with dad
• “magenta” girl who worked with her; “knew the job”
• matcha girl; spacelocked in Borders, peaceful faithful vibe.
• “bagel guy”, I remember him! Like a businessman, loves his darn bagels with cream cheese.
• Mushroom burger farm girl

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new social nosufoni in dream? lynne replacement. "KARYNNE"

green AND yellow? talking about watching kids and making dinner. "my love language is food whether I like it or not. when someone is in need, my first thought is, do they have enough to eat?" etc. then picking yellow fruits (green when unripe) from a bush, the fruits were "semi sentient" and were aware they were immediately going to be "killed" and eaten but they REJOICED in this self-giving and were glad it was "finally time."

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interestingly: "socials" CANNOT have a "self image," even as far as opinions go. they exist solely to SERVE and they personalities must be able to morph and match the psychosocial public environments of their function. THIS is why it is so hard to find or identify or describe them!!

"internals," who need a better name, MUST have a "self image," because they STAY INSIDE. ironically, this makes it almost impossible for them to front, because it CLASHES with the body and environment, destroying their identity.

 
SOCIALS HAVE "TWO COLORS" BY DEFAULT????? like julie did!!!

because humans DON'T normally have cool color hues, so they have to split? also differentiates them from internal nousfoni