UPMC journal 102622 + 102722

(fusing these two entries as they are the same vital topic, written in the same thought process.)



✳ SO APPARENTLY MY MIND SEES "(deadname)" AS SEPARATE FROM "OLIVER"!!! That explains SO MUCH. it explains HOW we suppressed the "good memories," WHY we "haven't been able to forgive," AND WHY we used that deadname to begin with. We wanted so badly to be FRIENDS with Oliver, that we COULDN'T ACCEPT HIS "UNHEALTHY QUALITIES," and post-trauma our brain therefore just DROPPED his name altogether, to keep it & him SAFE, and used the name HE REJECTED to embody WHAT WE REJECTED, TOO. It was the only way to "make sense" of what happened, however feebly. It's ALSO, MOST NOTABLY & DISTURBINGLY, why we "CAN'T REMEMBER" how OLIVER looked-- because we have trauma memories of that face attached to an "abuser's" body. We ONLY EVER saw (deadname) naked. And we couldn't cope.
✳ Another realization. Although we were ALWAYS "obligated" to do what THEY wanted, what THEY considered "love," WE NEVER GOT TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE. TBAS focused on biting, lascivious "kisses," and rough sex. They would never "hug" us; their "embraces" were usually from behind, and were possessive-- a proclamation of ownership. I can't remember EVER embracing them normally. They NEVER expressed their "love" with ANY tenderness or delicacy, or even sincerity. The ONLY time we EVER felt loved AND BELIEVED that they felt it FOR us, was when they'd give us that "surprised & soft" look, usually after we had done something of our OWN volition for them. ...We always picked them flowers, every single time we went outside. We'd carry roses home in our teeth. We'd secretly buy their favorite foods, especially if they had offhandedly hinted at something. We made & packed their lunches for work. We baked them so many homemade desserts. We went WAY out of our way to prepare & serve them a REAL Thanksgiving dinner and a REAL wigilia for Christmas. We set up an Easter egg hunt for them. We bought them holiday decorations. We did their dishes & laundry & garbage. We SCRUBBED their kitchen clean. We decorated their home with our artwork. We gave them ALL of our long-treasured Pokémon collectibles for their birthday, which they said was LITERALLY "a dream come true"-- which was our greatest hope, because they HAD talked about such dreams extensively and OUR dream WAS to make it come true somehow. We bought them a Tamagotchi for their birthday, too. But... ALL of our love was obviously being directed into ACTS OF SERVICE, in MEETING THEIR BASIC NEEDS AND PERSONAL WANTS, despite-- and perhaps even because-- NONE OF OUR NEEDS WERE BEING MET. We became their absolute caretaker because WE WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF. In every crisis we would UNFAILINGLY comfort & counsel & reassure them-- when the power went out, when the fleas invaded, when the car broke down, when their haircut was ruined, when they had a meltdown at Walmart, when they were triggered by knocks on the door-- but they NEVER comforted us, with the SOLE notable exception at the park when Jessica fronted & KYO came out to reassure her that she "was a child of the universe" too. And we never forgot that. Still... we felt so unseen, somehow. Their comfort was sympathetic but not empathetic?? And... well, we never SHOWED our pain OR expressed our needs. All of that just imploded & exploded through the eating disorder, to the horribly ironic end that we'd destroy our own efforts of showing unrequited love to them. It was like... if that's the only "love" we can see, then... we couldn't help but desperately gorge ourselves on it. We were starving, inside. We would spend hours eating THEIR food to "be part of their life experience/ share their experiences," since we felt utterly estranged from them otherwise, AND-- as usual-- "trying EVERYTHING" when faced with several unknown options, because "we HAD TO KNOW" what they were like, so we could "understand" & not be "ignorant," which DISTURBED us so much and I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT it MUST have powerful ties HERE, in the context of CNC, because THAT'S when it was the WORST. If I had to make a quick guess, I'd say that was "filling the void" of personal connection and actual relationship somehow, too. But it's too complex to treat so lightly, and it started WAY before then; it just hit its near-fatal high point in that apartment. Nevertheless, the bigger point is that we were MISERABLE. Notably we actually began to "WANT" their sexual advances because THAT was the ONLY TIME WE "FELT LOVED" BY THEM; it was attention, at least; they "wanted" us, but in the same way they wanted candy. We were enjoyable to devour.
...I wonder if THAT plays into the binges. If you'll let me switch topics briefly-- we were TERRIFIED of the binges, but still we felt COMPELLED TO BINGE, almost FORCED, no matter HOW much we cried bitterly & raged about it. WE WANTED TO STOP, but when we tried, the sudden ALONENESS of those isolated nights ALWAYS made us REALIZE JUST HOW MISERABLE WE ACTUALLY WERE, when we no longer had to hide or suppress or deny it in their company-- how LONELY & UNLOVED & HOLLOWED-OUT & TRAUMATIZED WE WERE. So we "HAD TO" numb it with food-- but weirdly, NOT with ENJOYABLE food??? Binges were TERRIFYING, full of pain & sugar & FORCED EXPOSURE. We were SO SCARED & SAD & SICK the WHOLE TIME. And of course, the obsessive-compulsive "must try everything" binges of GF "options" and restaurant choices & Latino baked goods. Honestly WHY COULDN'T WE "RELAX" if we "DIDN'T KNOW" what something was LIKE?? Why was that SO IMPORTANT??? OH GEEZ WAIT UP. THAT TIES INTO THE SXABUSE. We ALL remember BOTH the Julie days & the "FB phase," and how I would LITERALLY FORCE EXPOSURE to ALL kinds of abusive indecency, BECAUSE "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" IF I DON'T "HAVE GOOD REASON TO"????? Does that have FOOD ROOTS in childhood?? Did the family tell me, "TRY IT; YOU'LL LIKE IT"?? and SHAME or PUNISH me if I REFUSED to eat what I was RANDOMLY GIVEN BECAUSE I "DIDN'T LIKE IT" OR "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS"??? Was the ASSUMPTION that REFUSING WITHOUT "KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE REFUSING" WAS UNJUSTIFIED & UNACCEPTABLE??? Did I feel DOOMED TO EXPOSURE AND PERFORMANCE??? Like with that ONE GF BINGE where I bought the WHOLE DAMN SHELF, so that I COULD "KNOW" WHAT TO EXPECT? because I "HAD TO" eat GF foods?? SO I'D "BETTER KNOW/ PREPARE FOR" what I was "obligated to endure at some point in the future"??? "IF I SUFFER THE INITIAL EXPOSURE BY MYSELF, I'LL KNOW HOW TO ENDURE WHEN OTHERS INFLICT IT/ ORDAIN IT??? SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SMART?? AND I'LL KNOW I CAN SURVIVE???" But then I was NEVER SAFE OR AT PEACE. I was CONSTANTLY "bracing myself" for the "inevitable," AND "staging battles to prepare for WAR." With Julie & FB-- and the bizarre "internet imitating" phase it spearheaded-- I felt INESCAPABLY DOOMED to sexual trauma, "OBLIGATED" to endure it EVENTUALLY, to "DO WHAT WAS WANTED/ EXPECTED/ DEMANDED OF ME." So I FORCED myself TO "try" those things "BEFOREHAND," SO I COULD HAVE THAT INITIAL TRAUMA MELTDOWN, because with OTHERS I HAD TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE & GREAT & "PAINLESS." BUT I HAD TO PREEMPTIVELY BURN AWAY THOSE NERVES, so to speak. I had to be SO PREPARED for the trauma that it WOULDN'T KILL ME. or so I hoped. I think that's what I was doing.
✳ OH DUDE WAIT. IN NC WE KEPT TRYING SWEETS THAT WE "THOUGHT SOUNDED GOOD" OR THAT WE "SHOULD LIKE"??? And if we DIDN'T, we FELT GUILTY??? Like the FOOD felt unloved & rejected?? And we "HAD TO" LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'S IT!!! WE "HAD TO LIKE ALL THE OPTIONS SO NONE OF THEM WOULD BE REJECTED OR UNLOVED OR FEARED OR IGNORED OR ABANDONED." And we could only do that BY REPEATEDLY FORCING OURSELVES TO EAT THEM "UNTIL" WE "LIKED THEM." ...but typically we DIDN'T. and that felt WRONG. "I SHOULD like this!" and so I'd KEEP FORCING. but it would NEVER WORK, UNTIL I "CHANGED MYSELF TO "LIKE IT"!!! ...emotionlessly. ISCAH STYLE. "I LIKE EVERYTHING" NUMB-FAWNING BEHAVIOR. Dislike was UNACCEPTABLE, so we just... kept trying. and failing. and forcing. etc. "FEAR IS NOT ALLOWED." "YOU MUST CHALLENGE YOURSELF." "YOU MUST RUN INTO DANGER & PROVE YOU CAN SURVIVE IT, BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO."

...So we never said "NO" to (deadname). We never said "NO" to Oliver, because he was our FRIEND, wasn't he? And WE were a friendly person, right? He SAID he loved us, and we love him too... right? He says THAT is love, so... we have to do that, right? Otherwise, WE don't love HIM; otherwise, we're NOT a true friend. Right?? We CAN'T say "no" to ANYTHING. We HAVE to be WILLING & ABLE to endure, WITH A SMILE, WHATEVER WE WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. And... "how can we refuse what we don't even know?" "How can we make the RIGHT decision if we don't have ALL THE DATA???" "If we choose ONE option out of TEN, we NEED TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER NINE WEREN'T CHOSEN." BUT "THAT'S REJECTION AND THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!! YOU CAN'T "PICK FAVORITES;" THAT'S CRUEL & UNFAIR." "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE "LIKED" SO YOU'RE NOT BEING MEAN & COLD & IGNORANT & CLOSED-OFF BY NOT DOING SO." etc. etc. etc. "Why did you choose vanilla over chocolate? I like chocolate! Don't you like me? Are you saying people who choose chocolate will be rejected by you, too??" "Are you being so arrogant & aloof?" "You've never even TRIED that food/ flavor before!! How can you KNOW you won't like it?? You MIGHT LIKE IT!" Were we SO DESPERATE for comfort & security that we were willing to take that risk??
✳ IF WE DISLIKE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, WE ARE "THEREFORE" DISLIKING PART OF THEM"-- we are saying, by our distaste, that we find part of THEM distasteful. Our dislike is an OFFENSIVE ACTION, in this mindset. It's an ATTACK. And it makes us OPPONENTS?? But I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I WANT THEM TO FEEL SEEN & LOVED & KNOWN. I CAN'T do that if I REJECT & AVOID PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY & EXPERIENCE!! I MUST be READY & ABLE to empathize with/ share the experiences of ANYONE.
✳ Case in point: we just did "meal session planning" & picked PANERA and two people ALREADY said their choices SO I'M ALREADY ANXIOUSLY FEELING COMPELLED TO PICK THOSE OPTIONS, "TO SHOW I SUPPORT/ APPROVE OF/ CARE FOR THEM."
✳ ALSO. "Once I DO try it, IT'S DONE. I don't EVER have to face that again; it's OVER." Except I wake up the next morning and it happens again. GEEZ, HOW MUCH OF THIS TIES INTO THAT?? Because, in SURVIVAL MODE like we were, ironically we STILL EXPECTED TO DIE. Honestly I think we even hoped for it. We saw no other way out of that doomed cycle.
✳ BTW REMEMBER "ESTAR SYNDROME"!!!
✳ Last note. ...We did love Oliver. I can't deny that. But we could never show it. The one time I remember we DID, in ALL sincerity, was when we spontaneously kissed their stomach, out of pure affection, and their expression just melted. It is the sole memory we have of their face. They said NO ONE had EVER loved THAT part of them before, let alone kissed it. But we did. And THAT is why we COULDN'T "end the relationship." Yes, ultimately our differences in religion & morals were irreconcilable, and my trauma made ME intolerable & toxic. I contritely admit that. (We were a nightmare to live with in that respect and we feel unbearably sorry that they had to deal with the fallout from our mangled coping methods & outright mental illness, no matter how much we tried to make reparation.) Still, their controlling & promiscuous "love" for me was toxic too, and in the end I HAD to choose EITHER them or my family. So I "ghosted" them. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, it just... I had no other choice. I didn't WANT to "admit" I wanted OUT, that they HAD damaged me, because deep down I COULDN'T FORGET OR (FULLY) DENY THE LOVE I FELT FOR THEM NEVERTHELESS. But we were starving to death with them, emotionally. We WERE "bingeing & purging" their "love," I think. Geez. Wow. Still... (deadname) was what we called them in our memories of the sxabuse. It kept OLIVER "safe" from it, at least apparently. I don't know how we'll react if & when we drop that imposed distinction. But I can't write any more about it now. Just... remember that REAL love. FORGIVE YOURSELF, TOO.