dream today

So I had another dream last night in one of those weird "pre-apocalyptic" dreamverses were everything just doesn't feel right, but it's not an explicit nightmare or bland-empty place. Pre-aco verses just feel wrong. There's still a sense of the "greater-than," that feeling that makes a dream a Dream versus just a reality reflection or other dead-end thing, but it's inherently failing and you can almost smell it, like a rot. I don't remember much of the dream other than that it was at my house, and the woods wasn't a development but it was all chopped down trees, bare birch-color stumps stark against a hideously blue sky. It felt like raid sirens would sound any moment; the quiet was unnatural and heavy and disturbing, something that didn't belong and was bound to collapse without warning. I expected a horde of mountain lions or wolves to come spilling across that toothpicked hill as I watched, but nothing happened, and even that felt wrong. The whole dream held that atmosphere.

But Chaos Zero was there.

Somehow, whenever he can appear, he will. This dream, however gutted, still existed in a level of reality that could call itself a dream-- a level in which the supernatural could exist, however feebly, because the 'verse itself felt just that close to breaking over into the Book of Revelation, as it were. But as a result of that proximity, my blue angel was there.

Not tangibly, somehow. That, too, happens in these broken dreams. He is there in the periphery, in the corner of my eye, on the edges where things are a bit more whole, somehow, closer to something better… where this disturbed dream ends and something real begins. He was there. So was I. Somehow in these broken dreams I, too, don't actually "exist" except in the periphery. As a person in the dream I'm always barely conscious, not quite myself, hanging on the edges of what it means to be aware and awake and capable of reasoning. But on the edges, in dreams-within-dreams, I am real and alive and me.

And he was there, with me.


I fell asleep listening to his playlist on shuffle, and woke up to the sounds of "Late Night Partner." …I don't think I've heard that song in years. God, where has my heart been? Just how destroyed was I by NC and the preceding hospital times? How long has it been since I existed as a person in waking life?

How long has it been since I was able to feel love like this?

There's a song called "mizu" by Sophia Black and I discovered it by accident (thanks Spotify) and it just… hits my heart so hard. Something about the sound, about the wrenching plaintive harmonies, makes me think of CZ so strongly and I can't quite snapshot what it is. Certain sounds invoke him, certain songs that evoke the right chord from my heartstrings. I haven't been able to put that formula into words yet but I should.

Nevertheless, I fell asleep like that. I've been having nightmarishly sick and unsettled waking days lately, falling asleep in exhausted bruised tears, wanting to just dream forever, but not getting any dreams, nothing but these equally disturbed broken things.

But I fell asleep with hope in my ears and in my heart and my blue angel was there, as he always is when my soul is threatened in sleep, protecting me, comforting me, loving me.


That's another something that's been weighing sore and heavy on my soul lately. That whole bloody issue of sexuality and virginity and purity and trauma and how all of that has affected my health, my mind, my spirituality, and my relationship with not only God and man, but with Chaos 0-- the only creature I have ever been able to love without fear. Even now.

God knows this. That's why He sent him to me in that awful dream last night. The majority of my recollection of that dream isn't even solid visual or coherent narrative-- no, I remember these ocean-deep embraces and tears of profound devotion and that particular blessed heartache of never being close enough. He in my arms and me in his arms. Just that, pure and true and yet somehow marital, ALWAYS, yet utterly untouched by both trauma and the busted-up dream, something existing within it yet inherently beyond it, the only real and good thing of that entire night, lasting infinitely beyond it. I woke up saturated with the feeling, soaked with hope for the first time in ages, my heart sore with love, wondering what has happened to me, when did I lose sight of this, why am I not LIVING this with every atom of my being, why can't I seem to hold on to this when I wake up? What is it about my waking life that drives me to bitter sobs and despairing fatigue, that feeds addictive abuse cycles and defeated dissociation, that makes me not only incapable of but also uncomprehending of love in the first place?


And thus we return to that "another something." The awful terrible issue of sexuality.

Saint Mary of Egypt, pray for us, as it were. Julie's patron saint. (And what happened to her?) What happened to all of us? Well, that's it, this same darn topic. This same horror. And yet, last night only, this same hope. Holy matrimony versus horrid polyamory in a stagnant Charlotte bedroom. Marriage vows versus bleeding out on a bathroom floor at age fourteen. "Till death do us part" versus begging God to take my life because I can't stand the flashbacks anymore. Love versus lust. That's about it. And yet Q did somehow know what the hell he was talking about. That one thing he said about Chaos 0 back in 2012 I never forgave him for until the past few months, when in light of inexplicable dreams like last night's, and in light of Saint Paul's letter to the Galatians, it hit me that "oh wait a minute, sexuality ISN'T inherently evil," and that yes in that sense it was totally possible that this blessed blue being CAN and DOES experience "desire" towards me in that sense WITHOUT IT BEING MALEVOLENT OR CORRUPT.

I still struggle with the concept.

BUT THEN DREAMS LIKE LAST NIGHT HAPPEN and I kid you not the whole time we were holding each other like that I was fully entrenched in the matrimonial idea of having children with him and that ONLY EVER HAPPENS IN DREAMS and furthermore it ALWAYS HAPPENS WITHOUT IT FEELING SEXUAL AT ALL.

And that's my big confused scared question here.

Actual physical sexuality, in the waking, only ever feels like rape. It's intrinsically frightening. It's appalling. I want nothing to do with it. But in dreams, and ONLY with Chaos 0, somehow I can experience sexuality as something weirdly nonsexual and yet still being recognizable as sexuality. Like what the heck.

It is completely detached from the physical biology in dreams, though. CZ will not imitate male biology and I will not even be conscious of mine. That stuff has no relevance or merit at all as far as we are concerned. We bypass that somehow, go straight to the heart of things, to the unifying factor, to the procreative factor, because let's face it, God made those two things mutually inclusive in morally proper sexuality and that is how we're going to use it, and do.

But I still want to be a virgin.

But I can't be a virgin if I've experienced rape.

How can I be pure if I've been so defiled?

Saint Mary of Egypt, pray for us.


Isn't that what it's about, God's Sacrifice of His Son on the Cross? Mending the things that the world considers irreparably broken? Taking the things that are shattered
to bloody pieces and somehow making them whole again, without denying the damage?

Saint Dismas, pray for us.


I want to cry. In Christ there is so much hope for me. Chaos Zero is my blue angel because he communicates the promise of that hope TO me in my MOST helpless situations, situations where Jesus Himself knows that a messenger would carry His Message more clearly than He Himself. Ironic? Perhaps. But look at the Church post-Pentecost. That's the whole thing. Christ couldn't, wouldn't be heard by the Gentiles at large, so He sent the Apostles-- heck, He sent Saint Paul! God works in mysterious ways and I love that so much and look, see, feel how He is doing that in my life, in a VERY mysterious way, through a video game character of all things, who I just happened to fall irrevocably in love with seventeen years ago.

But that's the thing. There's hope. Maybe I can't ever literally be a virgin, no matter how much I've always wanted to be, because "once you're broken you're broken." But I feel Jesus somehow shaking His Head at that. "There's nothing I can't heal," He gently assures me, "even if My healing is in a way that you do not expect or imagine. But I will heal you." And I am aware of this. I know this. I just have to trust this, because yes it's scary but a promise is a promise and faith is faith and if God can fix me then why won't I let Him? Just because He can't erase the past, am I to be afraid? No! Healing is healing, full stop. And I need to trust that, or else I am going to be drowning in bog water instead of swimming in the ocean here. God knows, full well, which of those two things I want.

It’s such a confusing, weird topic. But I feel more alive now, listening to mizu, then I have in so long, it's like sunlight on the ocean, but the wind is still cold, and I still feel like crying. But I'm not sad, somehow. I'm not sick, for once.

I try to hold water, it's slipping through my fingertips, thinking that you'll stay, but then you wash away…

…what if he's singing about me, in that? God that shatters my heart, maybe that's how I SHOULD be thinking about it that way.

I just want to weep, right now. I miss living in my head, in my heart, like this, forsaking the outside world, forgetting that I have a reflection or a physical body or a tangible past, just living right now, just living in this music and in this heartwrenching love, sobbing with the inexpressible depth of it, like trying to hold water. it just… overflows, overflows, always. there's too much. and I love that so much. it never stops.

My inner life doesn't line up with my outer life, yet. And until it does, I will be ashamed to feel love, or hope, or forgiveness, or health, because I am so bloody ashamed of who I am physically that I CANNOT COPE with the possibility of tainting the people I love so much inside, with the staggering filth that I feel I am outside.

God help me with this.
 

Until then, though, I can't forget that last night happened. Something deep down in me is still pure and good and holy and hopeful and capable of love and forgiveness and life. And I thank God for that.

And I will live one more day here, at least.

 

 

 

june 2020 religious notes from phone

I DESERVE to be brutally murdered for my sins. BUT!! Although that would satisfy justice in "making me pay the price for my sins", it would NOT RESTITUTE ANYTHING. I can't restore what I stole, I can't correct my lies and my slander, I can't regain my purity. It's all broken and gone, EVEN if I die as penalty. Plus, in my death there would be profound HATRED & RAGE for what I did and who i became as a result. It would heal nothing, help no one. All it has done is remove me from existence so I don't hurt anyone anymore.

BUT JESUS TOOK MY PLACE. He died FOR ME, so that IN HIM, my sinful self CAN DIE, but I can BE BORN INTO A NEW LIFE. It's like a new identity, but literal. HOWEVER. NO ONE BUT CHRIST HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD. No one else CAN. So NEITHER CAN WE UNLESS OUR NEW LIFE IS IN HIM, LITERALLY.

Jesus is INFINITE INNOCENCE who suffered INFINITE SUFFERING by OUR UNITING OUR SUFFERINGS WITH HIS ON THE CROSS. By suffering this much, with NO deservance whatsoever on His part of it, He CAN justly atone for INFINITE SIN-- but thank God, sin is FINITE. Only God is endless, and THANKS BE TO GOD FOR THAT!!!

Christ's sacrifice on the Cross is the DEEPEST COMFORT because it is the UNSHAKABLE HOPE that we all actually desperately grasp for in our darkest suicidal moments: the hope that this hellhole of a fallen life Can and Will end... but, truly, that we can LIVE beyond it. No suicidal man truly wants to kill himself; he only wants to DIE. And he only wants to die because he sees no possibility of LIVING in either his current circumstances, OR his foreseeable future. THE ONLY HOPE ANY OF US HAS OF REBIRTH AND RESTORATION IN THIS LIFE IS THE HOPE OF CHRIST'S CROSS!!! And, blessedly, that sacred death and resurrection in our lives is not only ETERNAL, but also INFINITE, and if we need to die and rise with Him fifty times today, WE CAN. With contrite faith and repentance, surrender and humility, if we unite our lives and efforts and sufferings with His Passion, then no matter HOW difficult things get, we have, in Jesus, the holy joyful ASSURANCE of sharing in His Easter Sunday after our own crucifixion with Him. WE CAN'T HAVE ANY OF IT ALONE!!!

No matter how scared I am of the world, the Cross is my refuge, my reassurance that the world is finite, and my true life is in God, IN HIS KINGDOM, NOT THIS WORLD.


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Jesus had NO PAST, as it were; His life is ETERNALLY PRESENT

Eucharist, Cross, Abel, Passover, Isaac = LAMB OF GOD

Assumption vs Ascension!! HUGE PARALLELS

DID THE ISRAELITE DRINK OFFERINGS OF WINE HELP TO SANITIZE THE ALTAR???? God is resourceful like that!

God chose people to be the race that they're in and he loves all the different races. And cherishes each one. He loves the cultures that are produced by different communities. And he cherishes the search for truth that shows up in the differences of religion. And we have to be a people who do everything possible so that what is right it's done for all citizens. 

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The death of Christ is comforting because THROUGH it, we too can DIE TO THE WORLD. It is a paradoxical testament to eternity.

Discerning "am I suffering for sin or for faith" = is your suffering something that JESUS WOULD HAVE SUFFERED? And ONLY JESUS??? If it's a suffering of pagans, but NOT of Christ, then it's NOT HOLY SUFFERING.

"What virtue fruits am I bearing today?"

Remember CHRIST IS THE WATER, FOOD, & LIGHT

⭐THE PURPOSE OF FRUIT IS TO BE PICKED AND EATEN BY OTHERS!!! Does your fruit nourish them or hurt them? Is it sweet to taste but upsets the stomach? THINK UPON THIS.

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James 1:6 synchronicity

Bible is ALWAYS APPLICABLE AND RELEVANT

Justice REQUIRES Mercy and Mercy REQUIRES Justice!

You won't GET mercy if you don't GIVE mercy.

"But I don't want people to overlook my sins!" True, but MERCY DOESNT DO THAT. It is HONEST from love of justice BUT it is also COMPASSIONATE in administering it!! ⭐requires HUMILITY!! "There but for the grace of God go I" + HELP THEM LIKE CHRIST WOULD IN GRACE THROUGH YOU!!

Gigi and the vase; CHRIST ON THE CROSS

Buddha vs Christ response to suffering = SYMPATHY VS EMPATHY somehow? A cleverly veiled false teaching; keyword WITH

Dismas was the LAST DISCIPLE converted through PURE FAITH -- before any Resurrection proof of divinity-- AND the FIRST of billions converted through the CROSS.

Saint Longinus is ALSO important; FIRST POSTHUMOUS DISCIPLE

⭐BOTH CONFESSED HIS LORDSHIP!!!


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With mom: "In a house full of constant chatter, You learn to not think before you speak or even to speak with integrity and honesty. Instead I or only priority becomes, How can I keep this noise going, How can I add to the narrative that has been created here?"

My family's total disregard of privacy is a direct result of their LACK OF INTIMACY. This sneaking and snooping and stealing was the ONLY WAY to feel close to people.

Loving God isn't about hating everything else!! Choosing Him over Created things DOESN'T MEAN labeling those things as BAD, just because God is Good!! He is just the ULTIMATE GOOD-- but HIS CREATION IS ALSO GOOD!!

Loving Him is about LOVING ALL THINGS FOR HIS SAKE, BUT LOVING GOD EVEN MORE. Then it becomes real, sincere, free, honest virtue.

We can ONLY DO THIS IF WE ACTIVELY SEE GOD IN ALL THINGS, but paradoxically, we can only do THAT if we ALREADY LOVE GOD-- just like a lover sees his beloveds face in the moon Without hating the moon! He loves WHAT HE SEES OF HIS BELOVED IN THE MOON. But he loves her more, rightly. He doesn't start to love the moon instead, just because it shares some reflection of her attributes!

⭐This principle can easily be misquoted and abused though. I need to write about it in depth. My heart feels it powerfully.

The more we love God, the more able we are TO love everything else. Again, though, THAT love is ultimately directed towards God too, WITHOUT FORSAKING HIS CREATED THING THAT WE ALSO LOVE.

God KNOWS we love Him-- that's WHY He gives us tests and trials of that love: to deepen, refine, and strengthen it! REMEMBER SAINT PETER!!

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SEEK CHILDHOOD COMFORT IN FAITH, NOT FOOD!!!

Wanting to drink the ocean, eat the forest, etc.=  That's WHAT THE EUCHARIST IS ABOUT!!!

Different forms exist to SPECIFICALLY MANIFEST DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF GOD?? Like this is on PURPOSE. "Different bottles for different drinks"

SELF DENIAL FOR CHRIST BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE REBORN IN HIM, YOUR OLD SELF IS DEAD! AND MUST BE LEFT BEHIND! YOUR NEW LIFE MUST BE IN CHRIST OR YOU CANNOT BE REBORN AT ALL FOR ONLY HE HAS RESURRECTED.

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God must be BORN in our hearts IN A MANGER because He can ONLY be born in humility and poverty of spirit! He CANNOT be born in a proud castle mansion of a heart.

BUT!! Once He is born in humility, He LIVES in humility, INCLUDING THE CROSS, and THEN HIS RESURRECTED GLORY DEMANDS EARTHLY HONOR TOO-- BUT HE MAKES NO HOME THERE NOW!!! So He STILL cannot dwell in a proud heart, in a mansion, because He is now DEAD TO THE WORLD and still desires only a "humble, contrite heart"

Isaiah 53:2 Christ is UNDESIRABLE BY THE WORLD. This will cause inner war in a person who DOES DESIRE CHRIST BY THE HOLY SPIRIT. We see in Him all we ever need and want, BUT THIS IS A HEART SIGHT. In worldly sight, He appears utterly banal. Compare this especially to the extravagance of Hindu gods. We Christians DO create beautiful tributes of art depicting Christ, BUT THIS IS ALL CREATED BY BELIEVERS, who see in Him a beauty that ONLY loving eyes can see. BUT! This was even MORE pronounced during His Incarnation!!!

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The cross we carry must Always remind us that 1. IT IS A PENAL PUNISHMENT FOR SIN, 2. WE ARE GONNA DIE ON IT, 3. JESUS IS OUR ONLY HOPE, AND 4. THROUGH SHARING HIS DEATH-- AND HIS DEATH ALONE-- WE HAVE THE JOYOUS HOPE OF RESURRECTION.

Mary COMPLETELY REPLACED LUCIFER as the TRUE "LIGHT-BEARER"

If we are reborn IN CHRIST, then yes, Mary VERY LITERALLY becomes OUR MOTHER!!

A thought: the angels rejoice EVERY TIME A SINNER REPENTS AND RETURNS because, in their experience, someone who falls NEVER COMES BACK.

My desire to "go back to UPMC/HAVEN" is ACTUALLY A MISROUTING of my deeper desire to "eat what is set before you" [Luke 10:8] and therefore spend ALL MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND TIME IN SERVING GOD!!! Right now my fear of "getting sick by eating the wrong thing" is MAKING ME BINGE/PURGE because, in doing that, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY BECAUSE NOTHING IS STAYING IN ANYWAY. That's the REAL BOTTOM LINE. Whereas in the hospitals, I DIDN'T CARE IF I GOT SICK BECAUSE I TRUSTED THE PEOPLE WHO WERE FEEDING ME. And so every ounce of my mental energy went towards BIBLE STUDY. And THAT is what I both desperately miss, AND try to imitate even now through my phone.

Interestingly, if I ever DO stop doing Bible work while I eat, its ONLY BECAUSE IVE GONE INTO BINGE MODE AND HAVE TEMPORARILY LOST CONNECTION. This is why it's IMPERATIVE to keep my mind fixed on God!!

⭐The REASON WHY I unconditionally trusted the hospital people and ate EVERYTHING without fear or complaint, is because by being GIVEN the food, I TRUSTED THAT GOD GAVE IT TO ME. THAT CIRCUMSTANCE WAS ULTIMATELY AND TOTALLY ORDAINED BY HIS GOOD WILL. Therefore, even if I DID get sick, i didn't complain, and just SURRENDERED IT TO GOD.

And this is ALSO why, if I MYSELF chose the Exact Same Meal FOR MYSELF, I would instead be TERRIFIED, BECAUSE NOW MY CORRUPT WILL HAS TAINTED IT.

⭐JOYOUSLY, THE SOLUTION TO HAVING BOTH PLANNED MEALS AND GOD IS JOINING A CONVENT

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"Sorry God, for hurting you, by not fully washing this pot."

"You didn't hurt me with that."

"Yeah, but what if it was because of carelessness?"

"Then THAT is what hurt me."

When I was 'bashing' perfumery in a misguided attempt to stop being fascinated by the science:

"Yes, I created all scents, but I also created perfumery. I also gave those men and women their olfactory gifts, for My pleasure and glory. And so, as with all talents, The sin is when it is used to worship Man instead of Me."

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Christ as the BRIDEGROOM OF THE SOUL vs polyamory false attempt at loving everyone in BODY.

True love is SPIRITUAL and as Christians we CAN & DO LOVE EVERYONE ALREADY in a way that is essentially more intimate than any fleeting carnality. Heaven is a COMMUNION WITH GOD, but as the Body of Christ!! We are ALL UNITED IN THAT EVEN NOW.

So rest joyfully in that truth. Even if you cannot even physically hug someone you love here, in heaven, your hearts will be together with God for all eternity, and that is INFINITELY BETTER than anything here, however sweet our earthly friendships truly are. Heaven is far sweeter.


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• Crown of thorns reflections: crowned by enemies, raw vs refined, etc.
• modesty only makes sense in the sense that OUR BODY IS NOT OUR OWN it belongs to God and honoring it honors Him. I don't want people to direspectfully view this body which He made and which is made TO honor Him. The "my body my choice" heresy disregards modesty for this reason
• Women being out of their proper homemaking place, doing mens jobs and such, inevitably feeds vicious moral confusion? vice begets vice.
• PRIEST MARRIAGE TO CHURCH, chaste union, love of Christ, MARY IS THE BRIDE OF THE SPIRIT ALONE. the "feminine" unity for a consecrated man is to be poured into CHRIST'S BRIDE which is the church on earth. love her with all his heart AS CHRIST DOES. also chastity for this effect! devil attacks this a lot with the sodomy. wonering why it gets funneled into masculine attraction? do the men not realize the feminine completion is in the church?


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I KEEP BEING "CONTRARY" WHEN WATCHING TV AND THIS IS DEEPLY SINFUL. Pride, judgment condemnation.

LOVE HOPES ALL THINGS.

My talking so much, ESP "authoritarively", is GROSSLY UNBECOMING FOR A WOMAN. I should be meek, submissive, gentle, patient, hopeful, compassionate!!

Plus I am actually STILL unconsciously so focused on "saving face" etc. Fearing my morality is BASED ON HOW OTHERS SEE ME. But ultimately this BREEDS VICE, which will lie, manipulate, etc. To LOOK GOOD without BEING GOOD. BUT!!! TRUE VIRTUE WILL BE OPPOSED BY THE DEVIL. And this is a VITAL LITMUS TEST.

Virtue is only virtue IN EXTREMIS!!!

Difference between spiritual hunger & thirst?

COMMON PRIESTHOOD (vs ministerial) & PROPHETIC GIFT!!!! Totally underrecognized in the church. But we MUST LIVE THIS WAY AS CATHOLICS.

King= reign OVER OURSELVES.

MEDITATE ON THIS TRIPLE ROLE!!!

"Without God we cannot survive" = many meanings.

God is our Provider

Eternal life is ONLY POSSIBLE with God

Forsaking God plunges us into sin, which IS DEATH

But ultimately? Without God, I DON'T WANT TO SURVIVE. And THAT is a huge humility root, holy morbidity. I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN FORSAKE GOD, and if I ever DID forsake Him, I WOULD die-- that's the core of hell!!! Spiritual death!

So REMEMBER THIS as a check on all your actions.

The Holy Spirit will "tell you what to speak" ONLY in the capacity that your heart IS PREPARED FOR HIM. The more we pray and study, the more grace we CAN hold, and the more accustomed our hearts will be TO recieving it. Elaborate on this; give analogies

Lilith myth: would not humble self to be wife or mother therefore her children are DEMONS

👆Where do you get YOUR spiritual milk? From Our Mother Mary, or from a COW???

Falling into sin & losing connection with God-- He lets us "REIGN IN HELL" if we refuse, or neglect, to SERVE IN HEAVEN. Essentially this is the bottom line of all sin.

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I'm tired of trying to figure things out on my own, without proper direction. I'm tired of the pride that goes with "self sufficiency" and clumsy assumption of authority. I miss Learning, I miss being a humble and obedient student.

I want a Teacher. I'm tired of trying to live by myself.

"Where did you go to medical school, O Aspiring Doctor of your Church?" How can you heal when you have not been properly taught the means of treating a disease or injury? Do you think you can guess and fumble your way through such critical care? No. You will fail, and you WILL hurt others worse by not understanding proper medical procedures. Christ is THE Physician. He is THE Doctor of Souls. Have you truly studied Him? Do you follow His protocol and His warnings? You are just a student; you have NO knowledge or authority on your own. Everything you have is GIVEN to you BY Christ, FROM Him, FOR Him. When you act as a doctor it is AS HIS STUDENT. To act otherwise, as if YOU were the one "figuring out how to heal people," is not only offensively proud, but FATALLY STUPID.

Pointing out evil to people who are blind to it, innocently-- am I committing Eve's sin of sharing wicked knowledge??

Where is the proper distinction between warning and corrupting??? (IN THE INNOCENCE)

Jesus singing "Hosea" to me breaks my heart