trouble and hope

I'm miserable.


"We've" effectively ruined our life with this binge-eating bulimic spending hell.
Someone today burnt through one hundred dollars in ONE GO, and guess what they spent it on????
Hemp seeds, coconut oil, and avocados.

TO HELL WITH YOU. YOU SIGHTLESS HEARTLESS WITCH.
HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED YOUR DAMNED LESSON???????!??!?!



But no. That's the real important message God gave us today, after a whole day of frustrated weeping and screaming and rage and hopeless panic and confusion.

She will NEVER "learn her lesson," because she IS SIN.

That "alter," or demon, or whatever she is, exists TO SIN. It is literally impossible for her to learn better, or do better, or stop the horrbile things she is doing, because it DEFINES HER.
She can easily copycat words of apology and regret, but she doesn't understand them, let alone the motivation behind them.




My grandmother isn't the "good Christian woman" I always thought she was, either.
She's told me, repeatedly, to stop reading the BIBLE because she says I'm "reading too much into it," which is the same thing she tells me about the Gospel and homily in church. "You're trying too hard." "Just stop worrying and be a normal person."
That translates to: "don't upset me with the tough moral questions and tasks."
I love her, I do. I really do. So it's frightening when she cannot empathize with or even understand the moral hell I'm in right now.
But maybe she's still a mouthpiece for God? Her über-simple mindset sometimes cuts through my stupidity better than anything and gets to the heart of what I SHOULD be doing. Sometimes I think that, if I stopped doing all this religious research and health research and crap, and just obeyed her, I wouldn't have ANY TROUBLE.

I need to do that. I am so sick of "myself” at this point.

Why does that alter keep eating hemp seeds and coconut and avocados? Because:
1. we were told "hemp seeds/ coconut/ avocados are a superfood with so many vitamins!!!" therefore we must eat them because they're healthy.
2. hemp seeds and coconut and avocados are a source of fat, and we were told "the ketogenic diet is the ONLY good diet for humans!!!!!!!!" so we have to force ourself to eat mostly fat even if it makes us vomit and has done so for years.
3. our mother and doctors and priests keep telling us "you're so thin, you need to put some weight on!" and the only way to put weight on is to binge-eat fat and calories, which is what we're doing with those foods, even if we hate it and it makes us sick, because we want to make them happy.


Here's a thing. Every single stupid time we buy those fatty foods, the very thought of eating them makes us shake in abject fear. Shake!! But we keep forcing it.
Although, "we" is wrong. All other main fronters don't want any of it. It's that ONE FREAKING GIRL who DOESN'T EVER GET THE MEMO, EVER, AND WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE DID.
Bismuth was helping the other alters upstairs, walking them through the food data, and none of them wanted it. They ALL recognized that not only was it rejected by personal taste, it was rejected by the body, which KNEW what the past 30+ attempts had done to it, and that is nausea, vomiting, and illness. The BODY KNOWS that this stuff isn't for us.

But, "that makes us broken," according to the fear. "Those are HEALTHY, GOOD foods, and therefore, if we can't eat them, we're broken, because that means we're rejecting HEALTH/GOODNESS."
That's a huge part of the mindset that goes into this.
So the forcing continues, in rage and tears and frustration and self-loathing, choking down this food and vomiting and wanting to die and curled up on the bathroom floor begging Jesus for forgiveness and deliverance, burning through every dollar we own and not having any left to actually eat, all because SOME STUPIDA PART OF OUR BRAIN WANTS TO "BE LIKE THE HEALTHY PEOPLE."

It's so horribly sad.



You want me to tell you what we WANT to eat????

Lettuce, cucumbers, asparagus, carrots.
Avocado can be safe in small amounts, this is true, because it has a lighter colder vibe and it ISN'T HEAVY LIKE COCONUT, which is hell, but we still have to stop buying like three avocados at a time and eating them all at once because "we're not allowed to have leftovers" because "our daily bread" and "we want to live in poverty" and "we want small amounts of food" and "knowing there is prepared meal food sitting in the fridge drives "us" up the wall because it's not being used properly; it was made TO be eaten so I HAVE to eat it."
THEN STOP MAKING A WHOLE FREAKING POT OF FOOD EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU IDIOT!!!!

But that's how she worked in SLC. We're still stuck in that timeline, somewhere in our subconscious. We don't remember 95% of that trip but we're stuck there for some reason, at least as far as compulsions and fears go.

You notice we don't want to eat much. That's why we're losing weight.
We need to feel light and cool and airy, otherwise sobbing and panic and rage set in.

Broccoli is okay steamed, but cooked it's not. Cauliflower is fantastic raw or steamed, but being cruciferous, raw isn't smart. Plus there's the whole oxalate/ fructose issue which may or may not be a problem, we still can't tell.
Cabbage is great when fermented, or steamed, or pickled. Raw is too rough on our stomach.
Potatoes are a huge no; normal potatoes irritate our stomach horribly, and in past experience, sweet potatoes are far too bulky to keep down without panic attacks setting in.
Peas and beans are a huge no. Green beans, not sure. We're still nervous about those.
Parsnips and turnips are a huge no; too much bulk and starch.
Beets are in the middle. Raw they're okay, cooked they're too sweet, and too dangerous as they promote forced binge-eating abuse (most cooked foods do).
Zucchini and summer squash are great, we're eating a lot of those now from the farmer's market.
Kale is in the middle too. It's very healthy BUT there's so much roughage to it, our stomach struggles with it.
Herbs are all fine-- cilantro, parsley, dill, etc. We just have to be careful not to eat too much of them.

Fruit is all dangerous. We keep trying. The sugar kills us.
Apples and pears and figs give us mouth welts. Bananas give us a histamine reaction. Grapes make us throw up. Oranges burn and make us vomit. Plums give us awful stomach upset. Peaches and nectarines seem okay but the sugar puts us into manic mode and then we end up throwing up. Mangoes are hell; let's not even revisit that.
Melons make us sick and throw up, we learned that in the hospital.

Meat is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. Every time we try it, including bones and offal, it not only makes us feel hellishly dirty inside, and makes our mouth taste like hell, it makes us vomit uncontrollably until it's all out.
Bone broth is okay, we think. Chicken broth makes us throw up, but that's because of all the fat. But when we were making broth from beef and lamb bones, spiked with ACV, it was fine? Except that ran the risk of compulsively drinking all of it at once, due to our always being thirsty, which made us throw up simply because that's too much for ANYONE to ingest.

Grains are ALSO HELL. They cause our IBS to flare up instantly, as well as triggering uncontrollable vomiting akin to the flu. That has been going on for at least four years and it has not changed, no matter how much we "force it," and we need to avoid them totally as it's just wasting our money and health when we "try again." Thank God we know better now and can avoid them.

Sugar, in all its forms, makes us wish we were dead. This INCLUDES "safe sweeteners" like stevia and agave and yacon and coconut sugar and rice syrup and all that junk. ANYTHING sweet throws our body into a harried frenzy and believe me, when I say it makes us want to die, I am not exaggerating. It has happened too many times.

Protein powders are too bulky to keep down for more than ten seconds, and we have been trying this for years too. Protein in general is too dense for us, in large amounts, and if our mother wasn't demanding we eat as much of it as possible, we'd just quit trying and be happy with whatever protein we got from vegetables.
Nutritional shakes are usually pure sugar and they are inedible as a result. Plus many of them rely on milk (which we are intolerant to) or seeds (which we react to?), and still cram like 20+ grams of protein in, plus fiber, making them super hard to stomach.

So, as you can see, that leaves us with vegetables.
This is why we need that feeding tube.
I am so bloody sick of weeping and throwing up every single night and never having any money on top of it all.

But those mindsets are killing us, too.
"I want to learn to love poverty."
"I want to eat as little as possible."
"I want to be clean and pure and light."
"I want to be healthy (but then defining "healthy" as what the faceless internet people say)."
and then the hidden, lethal one--
"I don't deserve good things. Other people do."
If we could add "so I will give my money to THEM instead of spending it on TRASH for myself," that would fix a lot of it. But no, she has to spend our monthly $400 in less than a week buying GARBAGE that we CAN'T EAT because she CAN'T ACCEPT that we can't eat them. That makes us "broken" and "bad," after all!!

It's all a lie.




I am so bloody tired of this hell, kid. We need to stop this somehow.

She won't learn. She'll never learn, not like this.

Julie learned.

…Julie was different, I think.

Julie learned when she had her abuse methods thrown right back in her face, and she understood what she was doing to you, and how bad it was. And then she gave you a chance, when you said you'd help her change, because she realized that otherwise she'd be miserable and probably die.

This girl doesn't care. She KNOWS we're dying from this. She KNOWS how miserable we are. She doesn't care.

Why the heck not? Is it because she switches out before she feels the consequences?

She doesn't switch out, that's the problem. Part of her enjoys throwing up.

What the heck-- why? Because it's "cathartic?"

Because it's cathartic.

Why doesn't she realize what this is doing to our body, and our wallet?

Those are both concepts she can't comprehend. I've tried to reason with her and explain it to her. The concept of money, and the concept of the body dying from this, make no sense to her. She's so utterly caught up in the "live for the moment" compulsiveness, not even as hedomism but as obligation, that she can't seem to understsand that there IS more to life.

…Shoot. Looks like that's our main obstacle, then. Teach her that there is more to life.

How?

Heck if I know, kid. Start slow. Walk her out of the bloody kitchen and into other things.

But what could replace food in her life? That's a very specific sort of "need." It's consuming, but then for her it's also purging.

Is that still a coping mechanism? For trauma, no matter how buried? 'Cause it sounds like it.

Could be. I really don't know anymore.

And I don't just mean Julie trauma, kid. Heck, maybe "trauma" doesn't even fit. Stress. Overwhelming stress and anxiety to the point where she can't cope.

I keep telling her, just trust in God. Like I do. I don't want to eat.

Yeah, but she does. Is she the one who's terrified because "God keeps telling us to fast" and she, like you said, can't comprehend life without food or eating?

Yeah.

So teach her that there is life beyond that.

To her there isn't, because without those things the body can't live--

There's proof that it can, you know. Show her. Open her mind to that.

But then I'm afraid we'll hit the opposite extreme again, of refusing to eat anything and going to bed with shakes and heart palpitations and the inability to breathe because we're literally starving our body to death--

Kid, I don't know what else to tell you, it's one or the other.

One or the other what?

Either give her another option, or ban her from bloody fronting, ever.

I want to do the latter. But I think maybe you're right, and she needs to be taught and healed, that's why the mind keeps letting her out.

I keep thinking of Julie, kid. I don't think any of us are impossibly lost.

Where's your rage, though?

…

Where's your damn rage, Laurie??

Watch your bloody mouth.

No. No, you used to be pissed when alters would be this blatantly, unendingly abusive to the body and soul and mind. Now you just shrug, "gotta let them learn," and in the meantime they're destroying us and I MISS the days when we would hunt these demons down and murder them, at least we were trying to stop them.

You don't bloody think this is my trying to stop them?? I've just learned mercy, kid, who's not Jay, or who is what "Jay" has become-- I've learned that mercy is a better weapon than hate, because it opens doors for people to change for the better. You-- the REAL you-- taught me that, you know. It's in every single episode of Steven Universe. Why the heck do you think Bismuth and Jasper ended up in the Outspacer slots, at least potentially? Because that was their lesson, and it's one that the real you wanted desperately for them to learn. Everyone deserves a chance to do and be better, not to be bloody shattered because their current state in life is hell already. You want to murder these alters? Good luck. You don't think I tried that in the past? That was my function once, remember. My job was to kill these hellraisers whenever they caused trouble. Guess what? It didn't work. They always seemed to bloody come back, and then I realized, among other things-- that wait, there's gotta be a reason why the System won't let them die. Maybe it's the Tar, I don't bloody know. Or the Plague. But the Spectrum itself lets them exist, and I remember when the Tar first spoke to you, kid, before Infi, before the BLC even. "You're not so bad yourself." Remember that? How it told you to your face that IT WASN'T YOU, and that it existed to be that foil? When the blood did you forget that?

I didn't.

Well, some part of you or the core bloodline did. Point is, the Tar exists to serve the greater Good even if that drives the Tar up the wall and maybe drives us the same way. These abusive alters have lessons to teach us, too. This alter who thinks food is the sole reason for living, and can't understand money, and can't understand how she's destroying our life in the process, kid she's just like Razor. She's virtually innocent in her ignorant stupidity, because she doesn't know better,she CAN'T know better right now; her mind and heart need to be opened somehow. Don't you have hope for that? That she can change, and in the process, help us to help others, OUTSIDE, who are struggling with her old struggles-- and God willing she'll be able to leave them in the dust soon and move forwards?

The "real me" has hope.

Then who the blood am I talking to. Who keeps bloody shoving the TRUE cores out of the way and filling our fronter mind with rage and despair and self-loathing? Is THAT the Tar? You work of the devil, is that you???

…

It is you, confound it-- you wanna see violence, give me a second to get out my axe.

You can't kill me.

Sure, but I'm still gonna try. It's cathartic for me, too.



Laurie.

Jay? That you, kid?

I need a new name. I need a new name so badly, I'm so scared of that one now.

Kid, we'll get you one, don't panic. It's okay. …Tar ran away, huh?

It can't talk long. Can't hold that sort of self-awareness without morphing into Plague.

Really?

Yeah. Split as they are now, the Tar is too primal and manic. The Plague is the proud one who will rip your throat out. The Tar just wants to eat things. Fittingly enough. It is what was in Razor, and it's in this girl now, with the eating. I feel so sorry for her. And I'm scared for us, too. It's infecting us.

Not if I have any say in it it's not. Hey, didn't you say there was a feredroni manifesting in the System somewhere? Maybe she can help.

Maybe? I mean it's a solid anchor; it's one of those things about outspacers, you can't force them, and you can't stop them either. Once one puts roots in-- which is almost by default a subconscious, uninfluencable process-- it sticks, whether you like it or not.

So she's sticking, huh?

Seems so. And yeah, I'm surprised she's registering as straight-up female, too, at least as far as gender ratio vibes are concerned. But that's how it is. If that’s corrupted influence we'll fix it, or heal it. Could be why it's happening in the first place. Like you said.

Yeah. …Kid, how are you feeling.

Not so hot. I want to cry, thinking of everything that happened today, of all the vomiting, of all the money spent, God help us we still have to pay back our mother-- of making the grandparents upset, of losing another weekend to this addiction sh*t--

Kid, don't swear, it's a doorway to evil things for you.

I'm so sorry, Laurie, I'm just in terrible heart-pain. I want to weep.

Would that help?

Maybe not. Only certain alters can weep, this sort that's half rage and fear and despair, and those are the ones that tend to get violent and desperate and want to kill or break things.

Ah. We need to talk about that with the therapist, too. Next time we see her.

Whenever that is.

Yeah, scheduling is weird with her. Anyway, kid, don't lose hope. Ever. Please.

I won't. You know that, Laurie. This haze, this film of upsetness, isn't me.

Then throw it right off, don't even think about it, and tune into you.

…That requires a lot of courage and compassion, you know.

I know, kid, that's why it's important to do.

There are parts of us that don't want to feel those things, and that's scary.

Those parts are corrupt and don't belong in here, kid. For real, they might be teaching us a lesson as-is but they are not and will never belong here. They're temporary teachers and when they're gone they're gone, and thank God.

Trust in God, too. That's what I naturally do, and that veil of darkness keeps trying to blind me to it…

Don't let it, kid. Really, do you want us to stop typing so you can try and ditch these awful emotions before bed?

I should. This feels awful and it's just making us sick. I know it's all demonic lies and traps, we should be focusing on mercy and compassion and forgiveness and hope and faith, even if we screwed up big time today, tomorrow we CAN and WILL do better, we won't force ourselves to comply with fear compulsions, we won't hurt ourselves on purpose or otherwise, we'll be wise-- and we'll do all of it with God.

Why do you think these bloody bad voices keep trying to keep you away from Dream World? That's all Virtue, too.

That's scary, Laurie, how viciously hellbent those voices are on locking us in hell that way.

Don't let them, kid. They have no power if you don't unlock the door.

Open the window instead?

Let the sunshine and fresh air in, yeah. Let God in. Forgive yourself, forgive us, for our mistakes and failings and confusion. She's trying her best too, kid, even if she's totally bleeding lost at the moment. She doesn't know better.

I know. I feel deep pity and compassion for her, and I want to help her. I forgive her, Laurie, I just don't want her doing this stuff to us and herself again. I just… she gets so scared when she's lost.

You've gotta be strict and patient, kid. Like me.

Yeah. …I'm sorry for doubting you, Laurie.

Kid, don't. That wasn't you, not truly. And hey, it's good to call me out on perceived thought-garbage whenever it comes up, too. I don't wanna screw up my function and drag anyone down with me.

You won't. We've gotta have faith in that, too.

And live by it.

Yes. And with that I'm going to close up and focus on good things so we can sleep without wanting to tear our hair out in despair.

Trust in God, kid, remember what Monsignor said. We can't do a bloody thing, but He can, so stop putting up walls and open your heart to His love.

I just need to sit in that. Absorb it, and let all the walls just dissolve.

Hey, remember when I was the one with walls?

You helping me toss these, then? What goes around comes around?

Absolutely, kid. Life's a heck of a lot better and more beautiful like this.

I know. It's how I naturally am.

Then stop letting other things lie to you about that. You know who you are, be it without shame.

Easier said than done?

Only if you believe that lie.

Ah.

Be you, kid. Find a new name that reflects your new life. Find what defines your new life as something greater and brighter than the past three years. Okay?

Okay.

We'll get there, kid. Don't lose hope. Now I'm closing this up for once or it's never gonna happen. Capisce?

Haha, yeah.

There you are, kid. I missed you.

…I missed me too.

…I love you, kid. I only want the best for you, and everyone in this System.

I know. I do, too. for what it's worth.

Good. Then let's both protect those people we love, together.

All right. …Yeah. I've got devotion to that.

Hold onto it, then. Let it burn away all the dross. …And would you look at that, 11/11.

No coincidences at all, huh?

Not even in the least.

 

sep 10 2016

general daily updates:


supposed to have therapy this morning, she didn't show. we waited for almost 2 hours and learned how to use the new simple cell phone.

lost binge-eating alter spent too much money on coconut, hemp seeds, and avocado rolls prior to that. literally burnt through our last $70 for this month. now what? we'll have to figure something out. we still owe mom a credit card debt from this alter's shenanigans earlier this month.

church was beautiful. sang "hosea," gospel was the prodical son and the lost sheep.
went to confession, helped immensely. we feel like best friends with this new priest already, he's so wonderful.

"jay" and xenophon before mass started. he wanted to be "like a loving father" to her but had no memory of her childhood OR ties to her creation. xenophon wanted this too, wanted to be his "daughter" even if it wasn't biological at all, or parental for that strict matter.
"jay" had the idea of forming some sort of unbreakable bond between them to facilitate those titles towards each other-- literally took a piece of his heart and gave it to her. she then did the same. "dragonheart" vibe, very strongly, very real and powerful and full of that sort of aching love.
when xenophon put the heart piece in her, all her violet temporarily turned sparkly iridescent white, like glitter. the glitteryness lingered afterwards, it'll probably stick for good i hope. same for "jay," when he put in her heart piece, he turned almost foggy and cloudy, entire body-form vibe shifted temporarily. he says it still felt very true to his self-truth, maybe moreso than a solid body, but he can't parent anyone in a noncorporeal state let alone interact much tangibly, so. that's besides the point. it was very notable that they had such shifts.
so they are linked now, they can rightly call each other father and daughter, there is such a close bond now.


evening was tough. got home at 6pm, about? started preparing food and later eating. did perfectly well until about 8pm. then someone ate hemp seed or something and we were stuck in the kitchen until 10pm, compulsively eating and vomiting repeatedly. it's hell, we want this to STOP.

entry occurred about an hour ago which we will post. mostly venting about that. some xanga-style talk too, thank God, we were just thinking about how we missed those formally.

lots of spiritual "struggles" with this but it really just boils down to us needing to refuse giving power to lies and roadblocks.
we need to focus on the good, we need to focus on the light. we need to be US, again, in our truth.
we've been focusing too much on mistakes and anxiety and fear lately and that is making us ill on every front.

yesterday, spoke to monsignor. big-time exorcist, worked with mother teresa and padre pio. need to type about that separately.
bottom line, he said our biggest sin was "self-reliance." thinking we can control our life, when really we have no idea what to do. this is very true, and it is what we talked about in confession today.
i won't mangle the truth with superfluous words here. "jay" knows the truth of surrender. it feels free and not afraid. we just need TO surrender to it, to open our heart to God, so to speak. that phrase alone is the key to how.
there are old demons we still have not entirely transcended and that is what we are being called to do currently.
we have made great progress in the past year alone. do not lose hope. our very existence is made of hope.


"jay" needs a new name as not only has that name become corrupted, but the system and timeline themselves are demanding a core switch to match a timeline shift. this needs to be clear cut and solid, like past attempts. this will likely need to be orchestrated. as laurie would say, you cannot "half-ass" such a thing. it is major and important. so we must work on this, as a collective.


more updates coming eventually. sales post too, as we do need to raise a great deal of money quickly, with dire consequences if we do not.

i wish you all a good night, and good dreams as well.