aug 10 2016

...

I think all those months of being told I was "a liar," "a monster," "a manipulator," etc. and then screaming those same hateful things to "myself" in the mirror for hours, really... took a toll on our well-being at large.

It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. It's terrible. For so, so long, we've had this burned into our subconscious-- since childhood, when our mother first told us "YOU'RE the cause of every fight in this family," et cetera, hitting a breaking point with the post-SLC fallout in which we became so convinced that we were "evil at the core" that we tried to kill ourself, and escalating to a fever pitch when our brother moved back in with the wrong face and the wrong hair and the wrong eyes and started hissing at us that we were a horrible person EVERY TIME HE SAW US.

It got to the point where something in us snapped and said "if that's what you want me to be, fine. I'll MAKE your words come true.
I'll MAKE an alter to fulfill ALL your bitter wishes."

And it did.

And we're furious and miserable at what she did when she was in power.

God willing she's dead now. We're annihilating every single one of her access points and addictions and things and although her triggers are still lingering like electrocution spasms, she herself hasn't been allowed to so much as blink in about three weeks. Thank God. I hope she stays dead.



But I feel like our life is ruined.
That part of us succumbed to despair and basically sold our soul, basically crushed our reputation and hopes, basically turned us into our worst fears for REAL. And it ruined our family relationships, and it ruined all our friendships too. I think it even ruined the new ones.
Everything feels like a blast zone right now, just nothing but cold toxic dust as far as the eye can see. Thanks to her, thanks to that damn alter deciding she was going to "make their words come true" WHO THE HELL SAID THAT HAD TO BE TRUE?????
WHY WERE WE ALWAYS SO AFRAID TO SAY 'NO' THAT WE NEVER EVEN STOOD UP TO STATEMENTS LIKE THAT?????

And now look at us.


Stop. You're making this worse. You're succumbing to despair too.
She's dead. Let her stay dead. Let the past to rot. Leave it behind for good. Don't even think about it.
If we need to reset everything again, let's do it. Headspace has felt dead since last October anyway. We're in desperate need of a massive change. This is the perfect time.
Let's abandon EVERYTHING that harms us, everything that doesn't work. Just drop it and don't even give it a second thought. Leave it and keep walking. That's what we have to do.

Life feels like a bad dream right now, so for heaven's sakes, let's wake up.

Let's start this over, better. Please.
Let's build something new.

 

 

 

mgtheme done

I DID IT
I FINISHED THE THEME FOR MAGE ANGELS

It was entirely a happy accident but I adore it. It captures exactly what I want this series to feel like, deep down in its bones; all delicate bittersweet hope… glittering beneath a night sky full of dying stars.

I hope you love it too.