JAN 19

 

(a warning: this entry is very triggering.)


I've figured out why I'm so scared/ sad/ miserable/ angry/ upset when the brother is around.
It's a really wretched human fear.

I feel utterly unworthy to be in his presence.
Since he showed up the floating voices have been so loud, highlighting all my sins and flaws, telling me how far I fall from the mercy of God, demanding that I obey them instantly and without question or else I will fall into even more sin.
I know they're right. I know they're right, and that's why I'm so sad, because in order to be a good person I have to completely sacrifice my free will and individualityand the worst part is I WANT TO.
Individuality is shit. It's worthless. I want to be an empty shell and servant of God.
BUT. Being a human, having an "ego" to function in society, means I have a fake individuality. And it "doesn't want to die." Well it has to.
And free will is terrible. That same part of me wants to keep its free will, wants the opportunity to sin. That's terrible. If my free will was gone, and my individuality was gone, I'd be empty. I'd be perfectly empty and thin and pure, and I'd have no sin anymore, and I'd have no self anymore, and I'd just do God's will without any emotions at all, and I'd be perfect and forgiven and I'd actually go to heaven.

Except I wouldn't.
In that state of existence I don't exist. I'd do God's will and when I died that would be it. There would be nothing "after." I'd be gone, I'd be dead, forever.

I don't understand this. There is no "I." There's no such thing.

The brother is some sort of prophet or something, he has to be. He has all this knowledge, he does all these holy things. He only eats fruit, and only a little. He takes tons of supplements to increase his spiritual power. He meditates for two hours a day. He studies quantum physics and vibrational healing and things. He plays guitar and he has a college degree and he has a job and he has friends. He's a perfect human and yet whenever he's around me he says those words. Small scathing rumbled words, under his breath but pointed like rusty razors, that hurt and burn just as much. You're a monster. You're doing this on purpose. Some willpower YOU have. There's that testosterone talking. If only she knew how you REALLY are.
He knows all my sins. God sent him here to damn me forever until I sacrifice myself to him and become exactly what he is.
And I'm terrified of him as a result.
Whenever he's around I want to sob and fall to my knees and beg forgiveness and hide my face and apologize over and over, I'm not worthy, I'm so sorry, don't look upon my sinfulness, forgive me my faults, forgive my damned human frailty, I will remove myself from your presence soon, I am so damn sorry for my filth.
I can't even go in the kitchen to grab the mints I left in there because the very thought makes the floating voices laugh in a cackling whoosh like a punch to the gut, a mocking scoff that makes me feel like mud. They're mocking my stupidity, my hedonism, my stupidity, my sinfulness. "Mints? What a fool! All you care about is food, you wretch!"

When I tell someone what they say they look at me with hateful shock, like if a child swore at theor mother. And they say, cold as death, "you will pay for this, you bitch."
Even now they're trying, clawing at my body, ripping at my brain, trying to molest me, full of anger and dirty-feeling hatred and I'm scared and I'm trying to push them away but that's a sin, that's a SIN, you HAVE NO FREE WILL YOU BITCH, EMPTY YOURSELF, EMPTY YOURSELF AND BECOME A SLAVE TO GOD


Every time I flip open a Bible I get OT verses of wrath and judgment and hellfire, all saying how human nature is evil and foolish and humankind is inherently corrupt. Always the wrath of God, always directed towards me. Every time I try to pray I get that feeling of eyes of fire, glaring at me in disgust, then turning away to leave me in darkness and cold. The wrath and judgment of God. "I do not know you."
That's why I'm scared of the brother. He's the Wrath Of God personified.


The voices said I have to "meditate for five hours; maybe that will expunge SOME of the sins from your soul, you filthy wretch, you filthy worm."
This is constant. Nonstop, day in and day out.

I can't eat anything because they spit at me and call me a heathen
that's why I throw everything up, I'm hungry but I'm not allowed to eat,
there's that scoffing laugh again,
"hungry??! you foolish bitch. you aren't hungry for food. you're hungry for GOD. sacrifice yourself and don't eat. worship god through fasting. empty yourself for god."
but the body needs food
"to hell with the body, it is a vessel of the antichrist."
no its not it's not supposed to be
"well you're in it, so tough shit"
I
I'm not, I'm a good person, I want to be,
"no you're not, not as long as you act like this and follow the ways of the world. you're going to hell. fast, empty yourself, and pray. stop living like 'human beings' do. become godlike. become more than human. empty yourself."
how
"don't eat, for one. stop eating. pray."
how
how do I pray then
ANSWER ME.

there's one whispering voice saying "pray to us"
no
no no
no
NO
DON'T YOU DARE



Laurie just showed up. "Leave him the hell alone."
And they cower a little and whimperingly shout "it's a she! it's a she and she's a whore!" etc.
to which Laurie says to shut up and leave her alone, then.
to which they respond "do you want to send her to hell?? we're punishing her for her sins! for her filthy existence!! if we don't condemn her she will go to hell!! *pointing at me* see!! how proud they are!!"

laurie: shut the hell UP.
them: listen to you swearing! you're not of god! you're evil! your filthy mouth!
laurie: at least I don’t condemn the hell out of these scared kids--
them: yes!! condemn the hell out of them! to save them! to save their soul!!
laurie: you don't seem to care very much about saving them when you call them a whore and a worm.
them: but they are!! they are and we are trying to STOP them!! don't you see!! we're trying to save them to restore them to the glory of god!!!
laurie: you JUST freaking told them they'll never deserve that, which is an absolute lie. tell me what you really think. DO they deserve it? to be forgiven?
(a pause, then a scream from the back) NO! THEY'RE A WHORE AND THEY DESERVE TO DIE!!!
laurie: get the hell out of here.
them: NO. YOU'RE A WHORE TOO
laurie: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY??

they ran when she pulled out her axe
it's a little quiet now


why can't we get into headspace anymore, why can't we exist,


the girl said she was lonely and the voices told her, "good, BE lonely, you're SUPPOSED to be isolated from humanity, they're filthy wretches, you have to worship god ALONE."
they want her cut off from everything and everyone. she feels she will never be forgiven, that she's forever a dirty person, and they tell her she is, but they're 'trying to save her,' but she's not allowed to talk to any human being, because they will corrupt her and she's supposed to be 'ascetic' or something? it must be hard.

now they're condemning me for 'not being strong enough to worship god'
I'm not a bad person.
'yes you are you heathen you don't listen to us so you're a whore too'

I don’t like you
'that's what sinners say. sinners hate.'
so do you.
'…this is the wrath of god. this is the PERFECT hatred of god towards sinners.'

I still don’t like you.
'fine. go to hell then. don't say we didn't warn you.'

this is why laurie is confused and scared
how do we make them go away?


god I'm nauseous and frightened, why won't they leave her or us alone?
are we really that bad of a person/people?

is it really that terrifying and harsh to become good and holy?
do we really have to utterly annihilate our physical existence?
I know a lot of people on earth do, and we have always felt drawn to do that, but… I'm scared. I'm scared because the orders are so harsh and I know God sounds like that in the Bible but… I'm scared of dying and facing a deity ruled by wrath and "perfect hatred," who apparently created us and sent us to a sinful world only to damn us for that very state of weakness and kill our soul forever. what is that. that can't be "God," what is it?

it's a false god, is the thought I get.
the floating voices start roaring in sheer rage and utter shock.
leave us alone.
"then you'll go to hell," they say, "then you'll burn in hell without us to guide you!!"
the only thing you want us to do is stop existing.
"yes!!! because you cannot exist in god!! you cannot exist in heaven, it is impossible, you must not be


and oh lord help us they sound JUST LIKE THE ECHTHROI.


GET OUT OF OUR BODY.
GET OUT OF OUR HEAD.
YOU ARE POWERLESS HERE.
I REVOKE ANY AND ALL AUTHORITY GIVEN TO YOU, UNCONSCIOUSLY OR CONSCIOUSLY.
I REMOVE YOU FROM THIS SPACE.
I FORBID YOU FROM EVER SPEAKING TO US AGAIN.
I BAN YOU FROM OUR PRESENCE.
YOU ARE FORBIDDEN FROM EVER INTERFERING WITH US AGAIN.
LEAVE NOW.
LEAVE, NOW.

read that with integrity, NOT anger. feed the right motivation into it.

adding "in the name of Christ, Amen" had them screaming "you don't have the authority to invoke Christ" but hopefully that's the last we will hear from them.

if they do come back for whatever reason we'll banish them again. we have to. they're awful.

God this is so weird,
why in the world is THIS what our daily existence has become?

it's so hard to heal from even little faults when there is no room or silence, just screaming damnations and hate and all that. the girls who are struggling with their weaknesses, which are all born out of feeling worthless and undeserving of love, are just getting worse because the feedback claiming to be "of God" is constantly telling them that they basically are those things. it's awful.
don't you dare. leave us alone. go away forever. you are forbidden here. I cast you out.
we have total freedom and sovereignty here.
"well it's your funeral," they say.

well what do you want us to do?
"destroy yourself. destroy yourself for god."

why am I even TALKING to them GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

…maybe this is all in our head, too?
("you fool")

leave us alone.

we need to just stop paying attention to them but it's hard when they're so loud and they scream and they hurt the body and it's miserable to live with. those poor girls.
"they deserve what they get"
NO THEY DO NOT.


it's hard to breathe. we need to meditate and calm down.
"don't you dare, listen to us!!!!" the loud back-room voice says
the other ones shush it panickedly
your cover is already blown, guys. you're not of christ, you're not good.
"fuck you. we don't need to be good to save you."
more shushing and covering mouths
LEAVE US ALONE.
GO AWAY.

"hahaha. we'll never go away. we're here to save you."

this is torment

this is why we're scared of the brother.

god we don't want to be scared of him. we know that underneath whatever weird black-cloud rusty-blade shell he has on, deep down he's a good person too, we've seen hints of it, but it's so hard to hold on to mentally because it clashes so badly with how he's defined himself by his actions?
are we doing the same thing?
have we defined our physical self as such a disgusting wretched pig that we feel damned to that awful sinful fate?
why do those girls have so much fronting power?
why did this only start this bad after the brother moved back in?
why are we so scared of him?
why can't we turn that off? why do we INSTANTLY dissociate and panicked children front whenever he comes into the room???

I don't know. I want harmony in this house, I don't want to treat him negatively, but I don't understand what's going on and it's making me miserable.
Like right now, if I just stop and listen to our current emotional state,
one bit is a young boy child that won't stop crying and sobbing,
one bit is a young teen girl who hasn't bathed in days who just wants to stuff herself full of food and throw it up, full of self-loathing and no future,
one bit is a viciously heartbrokenly angry semi-human person who won't stop screaming and wants to throw things and beat up the brother but they don't really want to do that, they just want the pain and noise to stop and they don't know how to express that.

mostly we're a mess.
and it's all on the downstairs level.
we haven't been able to tap into headspace at all lately? like it feels like it doesn't exist in this state and that's obviously a numb-period characteristic and that's TERRIFYING. we don't ever want that happening again.

but jewel was out during work today, thinking about leagueworld stuff for 3 hours, actually feeling happy,
but as soon as we got back on the road and into the "physical" we got dissociated and switchy and too social and sick,
and when we got home the memory blanks out and someone started binge-eating and abusing immediately.

god this is a hellish cycle and I'm not sure how to stop it.

step 1 is obviously cutting out EVERY abuse-food the girls use, but they're still using those as false coping mechanisms so when we take them away, we get the screaming suicidal distraught ones who can't deal with their emotions when they're not being forcibly crushed and purged by bingeing.

we need to deal with those emotions.

we NEED people fronting who think of food as fuel and who HAVE A FUTURE and who see themselves as WORTHY OF CARE, not these poor girls who have dead-end lives and eat literal garbage and don't want to live and don't know how.
they literally only exist in the kitchen, they CANNOT front outside the house.
what do we do about them.
they need to be healed, patiently and lovingly and with compassion and understanding and options, you can't tell someone they're "horrible" and not give them a way out. those floating voices just want annihilation, not healing, not love.
thinking about them makes me sick, and it's making me slip. forget about them.

I want to help those girls. I want to help ALL of us.
our physical life is rather frightening right now, I'll admit that. but I want us to have a real future. I want us to be able to live and have a good helpful purposeful joy-filled future, safe and full of light and creativity and wonder. we want good things in our life and that's NOT evil or hedonistic to say. is it?
we want to be good and do good. that's the bottom line.
I really don't feel that cutting ourself off from the world will help anyone.
yes the world is terrifying, but this isn't how it has to be. you need to put good out there, even if you're just one person, you need to stand brightly as best you can and be part of the collective difference.


…we feel purposeless, lately.
that's why we keep falling into addictions, or too-long meditations. we feel like we have no reason to exist anymore and that's awful, it's crushing.
losing so much of our creative work, on all fronts, almost totally destroyed our hope, and the worst part is (as we said before) we largely don't remember how to REDO the lost work. if our therapist is right then someone in the System does, but good luck finding them on cue, or when the body is in this bad a state. good creative people can't front in bad environments, at least not for long.

it's a challenge. but we need to keep pushing, we need to try really REALLY hard, it's going to take a lot of sheer willpower and effort at this point but it's required at this point.
this is still a war. we can't deny that. this is a war, and we need to fight to keep from being trampled, but fight in the right way.

I'm going to try reading and/or listening to music and see if we can get into a better mindstate, find a feeling of purpose and future again, because we need that right now to get through the night.

I'll see you later.

 

JAN 19, TWO

happy entry today, LET'S TRY!!!


I want to catch up on webcomics.
we're marathonning the following:
el indon (which we adore so far; the art style is gorgeous, the characters are great, the story is very intriguing. also LOOK AT THIS PAGE!)
neokosmos (love the art style, very piqued by this story as well)
demon street (third time restarting our read. art style is wonderfully unique.)
snarlbear (we've been reading it spottily as the art is awesome and the designs are awesome and we want to know the story now!)

paranatural had a double update today and it was SO. GOOD.
not only am I super-excited that JOHNNY IS SEEING SHADES NOW AND ALSO HE'S POSSESSED BY FORGE AND HE IS SUCH A GREAT CHARACTER I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT, but also MISTER SPENDER BACKSTORY HINTS AND LUCIFER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and agh it's all so great. SO GREAT.
johnny, max, and mr. spender are my FAVORITE characters so I'm just generally so excited about this.
but the update, lucifer just lays down the law on mr. spender, but at the end he says "that's your problem" and then stops and says "…prove me wrong" and THAT, THAT PANEL,
good lord.
just in general that whole page hit hard, personally. like a lot. which is weird because I don't even relate to most of it.
I think it's just… the laying-out of faults.

"you swear to keep blood off your hands and good in your heart" BUT then you mess up. you let a petty grudge keep you from aid and an old ally. you enshrine shallow reason. you ignore warnings and consequences.
"you're SCARED, you cling to SAFE SOLUTIONS, knock on locked doors you should be KICKING DOWN!"
"your emotions don’t DISTRACT you. they RULE you, pull you EVERY DIRECTION but FORWARD."
"you're the same trembling, terrified boy [as you were] thirteen years ago, THAT'S your PROBLEM!!"

…wow, okay, I guess parts of us relate to ALL of that in some way.
"prove me wrong," he said. please. let's do that.

geez. how is all of that in US??

…

petty grudges, that bit is with the brother, some with the kids in utah, solely because of the feeling of bitter "pseudo-betrayal" in the sense of "I couldn't be the friend YOU wanted and you couldn't be the friend I wanted and I'm devastated because I don't feel I can say no or leave EVER but I'm not happy here but I still care about you but I don't want to have to sacrifice my whole life just to appease you shallowly but I feel that I HAVE TO or else I'm a bad person??"
like that EXACT feeling applies to both slc, and the current brother situation.
I don't know WHY it's not fully resolved yet, that's baffling.

shallow reason, that ties into the ignoring warnings and consequences for us-- the knowing that certain things WILL fail and cause us pain, but the "shallow reason" is in obeying someone ELSE and we 'logically' think "well THEY said it so it MUST be right and we MUST be wrong" and then we repeat the same mistakes over and over.
why. why does that even happen.

this was supposed to be a happy entry, geez. bookmark this to be discussed later.

the scared/ safe solutions/ being too timid bit applies VERY strongly to laurie's fear and jay's fear and all our hesitations in being told that doing otherwise is wrong somehow. "don’t be angry, don't be violent, don't take risks because what if you're wrong???" etc.
we need more self-confidence and courage. we need more faith in our capacity TO do good, TO do the right thing.

your emotions pull you all over the place… that's what the previous entry was about, with the damaged people, I know. they're so wracked by pain and sorrow and fear and confusion and anger, and they haven't dealt with it because it's so powerful they're afraid it'll KILL them. so, ironically, it ends up still killing them passively through ruling their life from the sidelines. you can't ignore the disease, you need to treat it so it heals. same applies to this. find wherever this emotional turmoil is really rooted, and HEAL it for heavens sakes. you DO deserve to be happy. you DO.

…that last line hit the hardest because it's literally true with this headvoice & alter system, and that's solely because those 13-year-old kids never had the chance to NOT be terrified and that's what we're all still trying to do. patiently.
god knows it's a lot of work. but we're trying. at least, when we're AROUND, we try.
we need to be around more.


OKAY GUYS THIS IS GETTING DARK AGAIN let's focus on something else for now maybe? is that bad?

yes, you're getting too manic.

but we know the solutions. can't we just hold on to that energy instead of focusing on what we lack/ where we're not, etc.?

sure, but not from such a manic standpoint. you rush into things, you always want the next moment to arrive even faster. that's not healthy. okay? we'll focus on positive things when you can say that from a state of acceptance and peace, NOT ignoring and shoving past. even if you're doing that unconsciously.

that's the problem, laurie. I don't know if she can, yet. we have alters who have it written into their code that they can't do certain things that would heal them because it would break their current unhealthy function.

then break it.

we'd love to, but then they need to be completely redefined as individuals, and some of them-- well, most of them-- don't EXIST as individuals. so when you tell them, "you can be different, you can learn patience and acceptance," they literally stop existing because they've been defined as NOT that.

shit. so are they doomed to failing then? to dying when they try to heal?

maybe. honestly I have no idea yet. I have no clue at all. some of them really are that shallow. maybe it's like ghosts for them; they need to move on, instead of sticking around,

shit. maybe. it's just tough, y'know?

what is?

facing death like that. we've gotta admit we're a little attached and that's not healthy either. part of us is afraid of not having so much of us here, and you know it.

we're not going to die out, laurie. we're just going to die to the things that are keeping us from actually living.

well tell those kids that, the ones who are preventing us from living through living dead lives. if you get what I mean.

yeah, I do.

and there's the shutdown. what the heck is that?

panicked little-boy fear. it's sylvain. he's so scared of the brother and I'm not sure why.

he's scared of the damn condemnation, kid, whether or not it's actually happening. he fears the glares and growls and things. that's terrifying to a child.

but why does he come out when that happens? it'd be safer for him to stay inside.

yeah, but he's tied to that, and headvoices with functions like that kind of exist as spotlights to healing. like he's showing up to indicate exactly what issue needs to be healed here.

…that makes sense.

yeah. but I don't know how to heal it yet, kid.




…in el indon right now, ashley just met "brother edan" and that whole bit of monastic-life feeling, that sort of devotional lifestyle… we feel so drawn to that and yet it doesn't feel like it fits? like that's confused us since CHILDHOOD. we wanted to be in the religious life since elementary school BUT we also always had this push that "our mission required being out in the world" so it was like this awful sacrifice we had to make in order to make another sacrifice??? I don't know.
like, we want to just drop everything and live a religious life. but… despite that being very difficult on one hand, it also feels like the easy way out? like we've been given things to do in the secular world and THAT feels terrifying but that still feels like we're being pushed to it. "you need to reach those people. bring a light to them."
a religious life would benefit us spectacularly, and the global whole in a passive energetic sense, sure… but… I don't know. even if I'd be perfectly happy like that, I think there would still be this weird creeping feeling of "I sent you out into the world" and I don't know if that's… I don't know.
I'm scared of living in the world. I really am. it's scary out here, it's tough. but… we have to be brave, and strong, and true, and bright.
we're letting our fear keep us from working lately, but… we have to. it doesn't every quite go away. neither feeling does actually. but it's… I'm sure we can navigate it correctly, if we listen sincerely, and act consciously.

…can we have both?
can we do this work AND be as spiritually intense as we want to be?
I'm getting a very warm "yes" but it's going to be INTENSE WORK I'm sure. but it's what we need.
hey, there's a goal. there's something to work towards! print that out and focus on it. we can have both. let's do it.


…we were actually just telling the brother the other day, during one of his good moods, how much we want to be one of those "odd but honorable teacher figures" that we gravitate towards all over the place. nebisai, mister sandman, people like that. gentle but strong, wise but lighthearted, stern but compassionate, patient but passionate. righteous and unyielding, but also soft and able to laugh… they walk into a room and it turns gold but it's not intimidating, it's magical-edged, and inspiring, and motivating, and even if you don't talk to them they kind of glow and they're not outspoken but when they speak they are heard and they will help the people that need them there, and when they need to leave, they do so gracefully and with gratitude and with a smile.
we want to be that more than anything else in the world.
we want to grow up to BE THAT.
god that's the future we want. we want to be a teacher. someone wholly dedicated to spiritual selfless progress and strength, someone who has completely risen above and beyond their ego. someone who loves humanity and has infinite care and patience for them but who does not tolerate pride and disrespect. but who does not hate, ever. someone who teaches those people to tune into their own light and truth and listen to their own true heart and grow brighter and better every day, that's what real teaching is, I don't want to "save" anyone, I don't agree with that sort of dragging-along feeling, I don't agree with the harsh punishments. I want people to reach a point in themselves where they can see their own unwise behavior as unwise, as something to let go of and apologize for and make up for and move on from… I want to inspire, I want to help people brighten, THAT'S what I want to be.

we need to treat ourselves that way first. we can do it. that's our future.

biggest obstacle? taking care of the hurt ones.
I wanted to say "rooting out the selfish instincts" but really, when you look at those knee-jerk reactions, they're all hurt children looking for love. hurt kids who are so tired of self-sacrifice, wise or unwise, who just want to be cared for, who just want some feeling of rest and peace. those kids won't even give themselves permission to relax because they feel it's wrong, they feel they have to constantly sacrifice themselves, every moment and scrap of strength dedicated to enriching someone else's life, and then the moment they have a moment of free time, do they rest? no. they beat themselves up because they're currently not sacrificing and they feel it's wrong.
so they get bitter and angry, and start saying no to everything, even when they DON’T WANT TO, even when they desperately want TO help people… because in saying "yes" they just want to start sobbing again, they just want to rest, but they can't, they have to say yes forever, and no matter how much they help others it will never be enough.
that's the problem.

I wonder, if we learned to speak up for ourselves? no, that's labelled as selfish.
"I want to help you but I need time for myself" bullshit, is what the thought reaction is. help them first, THEN take time for yourself.
and we want to do that, but sometimes we're so tired, it makes us rude, and we're so sorry for that.
…I think the one solution to all this is, when we get free time, REST for heaven's sakes. stop using EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR TIME to sacrifice yourself in some way. even if it is good, you're taking it to extremes I think. take some time off, real time off, to recover.

…you know what, that's probably feeding the eating disorder. dude.
when we're immersed in that self-abuse, no one wants to be around us, so no one bothers us… we get peace, however disgusting we may feel. and when we're immersed in that self-abuse, we lose time, we completely blank out, so we DON'T EXIST for a while, which right now is the only way those hurt people know HOW to relax. see?? because if they DO exist, if they ARE conscious, they CAN'T eat, they have to BUY OTHER PEOPLE FOOD. and starve themselves, to be "good." to sacrifice.

geez. wow. this is a topic for thursday!

but it's also a topic for tomorrow. and tonight maybe.
we are trying so hard to heal this eating disorder. we've started buying green food again, THANK GOD, which was a sheer divine relief, we almost cried when we actually sat down and had a salad yesterday, because in order to eat healthy and enjoy it we have to think of ourself as DESERVING health AND enjoyment… and the prevailing mindset lately is "enjoying is a sin, you don't want to be a hedonist, do you??"

we're so haunted by the fact that we were born under the taurus sign.
our mother is a taurus, straight-up. she loves comfort and luxury and possessions and food and sensuality. she buys new clothes and jewelry and perfume and housewares all the time. she goes to plays and fancy restaurants and concerts and social gatherings. she is 100% a taurus.
and we are NONE OF THOSE THINGS!
but we feel we have to be.
and that's the scary part. we don't enjoy those things but we're afraid that feeling that way is morally wrong?????? like we're "rejecting how we were made??" (sounds just like the gender teaching, talk about forced birth roles)
so it's scary to have this extra obligation making us feel like "but we have to enjoy food" even when we don't, AND when we are terrified that enjoying anything is a sin BECAUSE it leads to hacks, to giving power to hackers who ARE obsessed with physical luxury and who want to destroy us.
so. it's a legit fear in that sense. and it's very tangled, as you can see.

we don't know what "astrological sign" we really are, if any, since there are so many of us. but when you really narrow it down to core resonances, we are absolutely not a taurus.
we were supposed to be a leo, and we DO have a very strong affinity to some of that, and over the years most of our friends (inside and out) have been leos. but it does not fit all the way, at all.
jay is allegedly a libra, which fits a LOT, and also fits our actual birth chart (libra moon and rising), so that's the one we identify with the most when asked. the problem is we don't want the vice of indecision in trying to "please everyone" that seems to curse this sign. and we DO have that tendency. which is a pain in the neck. but we just talked about that with the tired kids; for us that was HUGELY a product of upbringing, plus a natural altruistic nature, pushed too far in the wrong direction.
we need more leo courage. like genesis has. he's never afraid to say no or stand up to someone or be bold. and yeah a big part of us is afraid to "offend people" but really, we need to stop assuming the worst of ourself. we aren't trying to offend. and if we speak with understanding, being aware of how someone might be offended and avoiding that… see, we try too hard to be diplomatic I think. we're so aware of how someone could have a sore spot or angry nerve hit, and how that would severely hinder their ability to truly listen and respond in an emotionally level way, that we get hesitant and start dancing around what we actually want to say. genesis and laurie would just say it anyway, laurie would shrug and say "sorry kid but that's just how it is," genesis would say "I'm not trying to offend you but I have to be honest with you!!" etc.
we need that kind of quality integrated into our core self.
but it's so tricky. it really is a dance. you can't let your own ego get into it at all.
hence the teacher thing!!!


I'm still reading el indon and I JUST realized, I recognize the Sister Tailor!! I saw her in a thumbnail for an update of this comic on tumblr and immediately thought "whoa, she reminds me a lot of ketamau" so I bookmarked the comic immediately and I'm just reading it now, haha. funny how things work.


…you know what, we really don't give ourselves enough credit.
we aren't selfish. we want to help people. we are kind, we are forgiving, we are willing to do good…
this body does make it tricky. for whatever reason it is defined as a sinful thing, name and face both. THAT IS OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE. whole thing in caps because its that important.
I know jay was talking about it the other day, in some context. how we need to heal the body and her name FIRST, or nothing else will truly stick, because she is the one everyone else sees when we interact with the world, and if she is being defined as bad, then… then we're in trouble, really. she needs to be redefined as good,as kind and patient and honorable and caring and wise and honest and joyful and loving. jessica can be all those things too. she will be all those things. we'll give her that hope as we work on it. time!


all right, I really do want to keep reading this for now; it is very inspiring. I know I need to start creating again instead of just taking in material BUT, I've found that big problem #1 is that we don't enjoy drawing digitally but we keep forcing ourself to do so. Drawing is only enjoyable/accurate when it's on paper, and then we can do reams of it if we're in the right mindset. Now, coloring digitally, now that's fun. We've done some nice stuff that way. But it needs to be scanned in first.
Also I am admittedly not happy with our art style at all, the old one lingering from high school. It does not match us whatsoever. So I do want to focus on that for a while, on taking in bits of other's styles both to learn technique and to enhance our own work with more unique and varied characteristics. I've never actually tried to imitate ANYONE's work before, ever, save for the handful of single traced panels I did from that Pokemon comic by Toshihiro Ono, who has a fantastic style despite my not approving of their normal line of artistic work whatsoever. Nevertheless I do think I'd enjoy learning again. So I'll do that, tomorrow, if I can come out to do so!! I'll make a big note, tell the other fronters not to panic and get paralyzed at the thought of art, it's not as depressing and forced and scary as they all automatically assume. (And my learning for fun will make it easier in the long run, as it'll no longer feel forced to draw.)

Anyway. Back to reading webcomics. Have a good night everyone!