Nov. 25th, 2015

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 




undertale take 7.

today has been a rough day. tonight has been wrenchingly terrible.

i'm going to stuff my digital pockets full of sandwiches and go fight mettaton.
that should help us pick up our vibe a bit, cheer up some. wish us luck,


i love this guy. he's having way too much fun in this battle, i can't stop smiling.
he's so freaking CUTE.

but oh my lord this boss fight is incredibly tricky. i keep dying dude.

ohh this bit with the phone calls is so sweet

"knock 'em dead, darling."

oh love i hope i did that fight correctly. when he lost his arms i got genuinely worried, sure that leg line was fantastic but still.
i survived with 1 HIT POINT. i dont know how. but i did.


oh alphys. sweetheart.
her face just crumpled and it hurts, to see her looking so resigned and tired.

"I lied to you. A human SOUL isn't strong enough to cross the barrier alone. it takes at least a human soul... and a monster soul." WHAT?????

If you want to go home... you'll have to take his soul."

WHAT NO I'M
I CAN'T KILL THE FLUFFY GUY ARE YOU KIDDING
WHAT

ohhh dear lord this game is killing me.

i
she won't open the lab door,
i have to go back,
i've gotta talk to him.


...
my heart cannot take this house.
you know what was the worst for me so far? the santa claus outfit.
that is one of THE most powerful flashbulb memories we have, period. it's one of the only things we can clearly remember from childhood.
and it's what i immediately remembered when i saw that in the bureau-- the feeling of being a child at christmas, with our father playing that timeless part.

i absolutely cannot harm a single hair on this guy's head.
oh my lord. how is this even going to end.

and the kid. this missing kid. the fact that toriel lives alone now. what is going on?


"the underground was full of hope."


down the stairs i go.

this music.

this backstory.


oh. oh.
that's why his father is in the garden.

and now i really understand why the monsters despise humanity so.

"king asgore will
let us go
give us hope
save us all."

"aren't you happy?
you're going to be free."


oh this corridor is beautiful.

...SANS?
WHAT?

"execution points" oh dude. "a way of quantifying the pain you have inflicted on others."

when you have enough EXP, your LOVE increases.
wait wait THAT'S an acronym too???
"level of violence.
a way of measuring someone's capacity to hurt."
oh ouch.

"the more you kill, the easier it becomes to distance yourself. the more you distance yourself, the less you will hurt. the more easily you can bring yourself to hurt others."
...hello, dream world.

oh ahahaha! paulstretch time!
that's one gorgeous musical effect though. wow.

...

"but you. you never gained any LOVE. 'course, that doesn't mean you're completely innocent or naive. just that you kept a certain tenderness in your heart. no matter the struggles or hardships you faced... you strived to do the right thing..."

oh god
this is
sans this is exactly what i need to hear as my own person, thank you,

"...you refused to hurt anyone. even when you ran away, you did it with a smile. you never gained LOVE, but you gained love. does that make sense?"

"now. you're about to face the greatest challenge of your entire journey. your actions here... will determine the fate of the entire world.
if you refuse to fight... asgore will take your soul and destroy humanity.
but if you kill asgore and go home... monsters will remain trapped underground.
what will you do?"

"but you didn't get this far by giving up, did you? that's right.
you have something called "determination."
so as long as you hold on... so as long as you do what's in your heart... i believe you can do the right thing."

thanks bro. thank you.

"we're all counting on you, kid."

...


...god.
this game.


oh dude. wait.
i quit and restarted so i could screencap this and he knew, and,
"i suspected something like this.
you're always acting like you know what's going to happen. like you've seen it all before. so... i have a request for you. i kind of have a secret codeword that only i know. so i know if someone tells it to me... they'll have to be a time traveller. crazy, right? anyway, here it is...
i'm counting on you to come back here and tell me that. see you later."

okay now that was cool.


off i go now. to the room.


...
holy shit.

holy shit the coffin room.

...wow.
that just... the weight of this just... didn't even hit me until now.

wow.

...

oh my gosh the throne room is full of flowers.

dude turn around already i'm about to cry


...aaaaaand my hand went straight to my mouth.
he and toriel have the same expression.


"when you're ready" dude i don't think i'm ever going to be ready but,
i,
through the door.


holy what that barrier is something else.


"anything you want to do is important. even something as small as reading a book, or taking a walk... please take your time."

dear lord i can feel the weight of death on my shoulders right now,



i
i'm gonna go back and hug undyne or something okay


i need healing items anyway, as many as i can carry,
that's about it...

...
god how is this even going to end, i'm so excited but this game is doing funny awful things to my heart and it's gorgeous but it's terrible and i don't want to fight mister dad guy he's too sweet, but,
we'll figure something out.
we'll figure something out.


i'm taking asgore's advice.
i'm kicking around snow and talking to papyrus on the phone. it's making me smile.


...
back so soon?


HE
HE JUST
SHATTERED MY MERCY OPTION

i have no idea what to do here


i'll do this tomorrow.
i can live one more day.



see you then.

 

 

 

 

 






prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


 

things that really hurt:

people referring to your transition as "ruining you"


for the first time in my life i'm happy with how i sound
but no
"what's wrong with your voice"
"your voice is ruined"

finally getting facial hair, face shape changing subtly,
"you look terrible"
"you used to be so pretty"


god these little things hurt more than anything as far as this is concerned.

i'm sorry.

 



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@1:04PM

 


Is it possible to fall head over heels in love for a character, as friends? Or something?

"In love" isn't quite right, not by itself. It's not romantic. It's not sensual.
But it's love, straight up. "Affection" is too cotton pink, it's not as potent as this.


I love Mettaton, he's precious. And I love Undyne, she's amazing.
It's different for them both, understandably.
...

Jewel keeps calling Undyne her sister, which is sweet but also surprising. I see her more as a platonic girlfriend if that makes sense? I still want to kiss her face but I don't want to date her, no.
And Jewel likes Mettaton in the sense of "he's a cool dude," but I'm, I don't know. I'm like this. And I'm getting scared because I don't want anything trying to confuse this, and hurt him, or me, or anyone else.
Outspacer links are fragile and important and need to be protected at all costs.


This is why I don't think I'm going to go looking for fanart of them, at least, not any more. I'm a little afraid to step into the fandom, especially on Tumblr. That website is utterly toxic, especially with the amount of perverted things allowed to be freely distributed.
I do not like how Mettaton is already being hypersexualized, because he's flamboyant. Just because his personality is meant to entertain, to appeal to an audience and have fun, does not mean that he's doing it for seductive purposes. You see this frequently with gay men in the physical life, how the instant they start acting 'feminine' in some way, they are sexualized. (Same goes for women in general, obviously.) And that common assumption bothers me greatly.
You all know me. I can be just as 'flirty' and extravagant as Mettaton if I feel like it. In fact that's part of why I love his character-- because he's shamelessly so WITHOUT being 'shameless,' if you get what I mean. He's just having such a good time with what he does, it's contagious, it's such fun. And I love that.
There is NOTHING 'inappropriate' about anything he does, which is why I dislike when he is portrayed that way. I know what that's like.

I love him so much. It's weird to say that, but it's true. I haven't... it's been a long time since anything like this happened. Since I fell in love with anyone, in any way. But here we are, I guess.


I'm sorry. I just don't ever want hackers touching these people and if I have to avoid the fandom as much as possible, so be it. I just wish it didn't have to be that way, but I suppose everyone is 'entitled to their opinion and free expression' even if that might frighten or offend someone else. I'm too tired to even think of arguing that, honestly I want nothing to do with it. My only rule is= act with respect, honor, integrity, and compassion. Do that, and the details don't matter.



(left unfinished)

 

 


 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)


(left uncensored because this was a terrifying experience in realtime and deserves the brutal honesty)







undertale take 8



third time fighting asgore.
apparently you HAVE to fight him.
i bought more glamburgers, i should be cool now.


i got so scared i thought he was going to die but no, thank god.


"...i would destroy humanity, and let monsters rule the surface, in peace. soon, the people's hopes returned."

"truthfully... i do not want power. i do not want to hurt anyone. i just wanted everyone to have hope..."




...

god i just
no

NO

WHY


the screen disappeared and i
what

WHY

i can't, no,
no,



FUCK THIS

I CANT HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW.


now the brother even walked in and the fuckking MANIC FRONTER is trying to make FUCKIN JOKES ABOUT FUCKING FLOWER SATAN

HE JUST FUCKING KILLED ASGORE
HE KILLED MY DAD.


god damn you and now this fucking manic alter is going to treat this like a GAME???????


fuck off.
you dont know what this means to me. you dont know what ANYTHING means to ANYOEN.
to you everything is just a JOKE.

fuck off. go away.
i need to fight him. i'm the only thing standing between him and everyone else.
as long as i can keep trying i will keep trying. i dont know what else to do.

but dont you dare, dont you fucking DARE TREAT THIS LIKE SOME 'FUN GAME'

FUCK OFF.

i want to cry.

undyne. papyrus. mettaton. sans. alphys. toriel. asgore. all my friends.

he deleted my save file.
he deleted my save file


how dare you
how dare you.


i'm going to fight him again.



"there's no such thing as happy endings. this is all thats left!"


leave me the hell alone you are ALL my worst fears rolled into one horrible thing
you ate those souls you horrendous wretch,

what is he,
what is he,
he was a monster once wasn't he,

he said he hasn't had a soul in so long,
where did it go, what the hell happened to him,

whatever he is now, he has no right to be doing this.




the other kids are helping me
i
wow

hope is alive. see? hope is alive. even in something as small as that.
even if i still die. hope is alive.


..


SO CLOSE

WE WERE SO CLOSE,

lets not give up, EVER



oh god
ithought we won,


he's taunting me,

"mommy! daddy! somebody help!"

god i

wait

wait did he,

is he projecting,
WAIT,



"i'll kill everyone you love."

why.



i'm not going to kill you.
you can't do shit against me now.

look at you. you're not getting those souls back.
you'll never, ever get mine.

but look at you.
what in the world drove you to this?

what are you?
what were you?


mercy.
always mercy.
maybe i messed up along the way.
maybe i wasn't as good a person as i could have been.

but picking up a knife will not help anyone.



and oh god my heart.

"why are you being... so nice to me?"

"i can't understand."


look at his face.

you poor thing.




SANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've never been so happy to see you buddy and that's saying something


"so, uh, if we're not giving up down here... don't give up wherever you are, okay?
who knows how long it will take... but we will get out of here."

PAPYRUS!!!
aw you sweetheart of course you can talk to me.

AAH HE'S CAPTAIN!!! dude i am SO PROUD OF YOU.

and hey, if anyone can find a way out, it's alphys. i hope she's doing well.


UNDYNE!!!!!!!  Hey yourself, sis!
aw man it's so good to hear from her again.

i... watched a playthrough last night, against her undying form, and
i couldn't watch it all.
i kind of ended up half-crying and wanting to reach through the screen so
yeah.
good to see you again babe.

you're a GYM TEACHER? that's awesome.
and yes, that's what i just said!

...
i miss him too, sis.

yes, you be there for alphys, i'm counting on you this time!
and yes, yes they are.

"hey, where-ever you are... i hope it's better than here. it took a lot of sacrifice for you to get there... so, where-ever you are... you have to try to be happy, okay!? for our sakes! we'll feel better knowing our trouble was worth it. we're all with you! everyone is!"
well THAT'S a pep talk if i ever heard one.


oh lord she's calling my mom

but she's busy. ah man. i hope she's... i hope she's doing okay.


hey guys say hi to mettaton for me, okay, wherever he is and however he's doing?
tell him i am really really sorry about the fight damage, i didn't mean to hurt him, i was... i didnt know what to do. maybe that was stupid, i acted rashly. i...
i didn't get any exp, sans, but i think maybe i lost sight of the true 'love' sometimes, a little bit. i think sometimes, i got a bit too distant. and... and that's not good.


ok buddy. you got it.
i'll be back. i promise.

if i can get you out, i'll get you out.


bye guys.




....
hi, flowey.

i let you go because
you deserve hope, too.
that thing you became...
what is in you to allow that?
are you happy? that speaks otherwise.
i want you to be happy, too.

"don't you realize that being nice... only makes you get hurt?"
oh you poor thing.
you're not responsible for the people that hurt you.

"but now, you'll probably never see them again."

...i still love them, flowey.
even if i don't see them again i will never forget them and i will treasure my memories of them forever.


"not to mention how much they've been set back by you."

...i know.

it does hurt. like a knife in the heart.

"if you had just gone through without caring about anyone... you wouldn't have to feel bad now."

really. really, love?
only because that 'feeling bad' would be buried just as deep as my caring.
it's blindness. it's numbness. it's not the truth. it's not honest.

"if you really did everything the right way... why did things still end up like this?"

i dont know.

i should stop talking and just listen to him.


oh
oh,
there is a better ending, good,

"it seems like you could have been better friends." yes i KNOW, that was really bugging me.

"maybe she has the key to your happiness?"
well if it has anything to do with mettaton,
*snort* i'm SORRY. i had to.
but really. i want her to be happy too. undyne said she was more reclusive... i want her to be happy.


that smile. god. i've seen that smile.
that hesitant smile, the eyes that look tired and a little scared, but it's a real smile,
julie used to smile like that.
i cannot put into words the weight that is falling from my shoulders right now
i told you there was hope.

you're a flower, dude, did you really expect anything different?



OH
OH MY GOD
FLOWEY
THANK YOU

oh my lord i am so happy right now, thank you thank you thank you.


i am so sorry for getting so angry earlier. but now i can empathize.
i was so hurt. i was so angry at you for taking everything away from everyone, or at least, trying to...
i understand now. directly. viscerally. i understand.

i'll get that better ending, flower buddy.
sorry if i ever hated you, or even came close to it. i'm so sorry.

a little mercy goes a long way.



...
now off to see the little yellow lizard lady because i do care about her lots.

but DAD'S NOT DEAD YES
i have to resist the urge to run in there and hug him because
i can't be rash.
i can't be shortsighted. he doesn't know. i don't think he knows.
i don't want to take that chance.


back to the lab.


...this feels so strange. this feels like headspace, this walking through the castle, knowing what i was just through, the timeline i just rewound from, the potential future now being overwritten, quietly, delicately, purposefully...



i
i just called papyrus and undyne again, at the door,
and, i forgot this was that phone call.

"WHAT WILL YOU DO WITHOUT US?"
"even without words, we'll be with you in spirit, ok!?"

don't mess it up.

i won't, love.

hold up, my phone is ringing.
A NEW PHONE CALL.

and just like that, the timeline changed absolutely.

babe i am gonna hug the everloving fish out of you in about three minutes, so


oh my lord, i just stopped at napstablook's house and turned on the "ghostwave" mixtape
and THEN i ran into woshua & aaron, and they were creeped out so bad by it.
"these are winks of fear!!!!!! ;)"
that was hilarious, i needed that.


"beware of the man who speaks in hands" WAIT A MINUTE.
there's someone i KNOW i haven't run into in this game yet because they kept popping up in fanart,
hmm.
we shall see.


UNDYYYYNE!!!
AND MY BRO PAPYRUSSSSS!!
*snow tackles them both*

oh undyne. i thought i was going to get to hear some more sincere talk and then
"HOTLAND SUUUUCKS!!!"
darling i love you, you're fantastic.

smooches for you both, off i go to deliver this ~letter~

"after all the gross stuff i did, i don't really deserve to be forgiven." YES YOU DO
BABE
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I JUST FORGAVE
listen it's okay. it's okay. you had your reasons, for what you did, mettaton told me, you told me more, i get it. i don't hold it against you at all.
also darling that ain't my letter.


alphys. darling.
my affection statistic is already pretty high mmkay
also love you're thinking too much, chill out, you look lovely in that dress,
BUT I DIDN'T WRITE THAT LETTER DEAR,
(i'm laughing but still i dont want to make this awkward for her)

ahhhh all the items are already for undyne this is sweet.

oh GOOD she's over there let me just, push you gently in that direction,

HEYYYY nice jacket love, i like your boots.

pretend dates are totally cool love but GET WITH THE FISH LADY

"i'm the royal scientist, but... all i've ever done is hurt people."
you didn't hurt me. honest.
look at how you helped me through hotland!

"isn't it better this way? to live a lie where both people are happy... or a truth where neither of us are?"
take the chance, alphys. that happiness wouldn't be honest either, it's founded on something with no roots. with the truth, you can always find happiness, so to speak. you're on solid ground.

"they say 'be yourself.' but i don't really like who 'myself' is. i'd rather just be whatever makes people like me."

ohhhh geez this hits too close to home.
we still have alters whose function is that.


awwww my heart this is lovely
and then CLASSIC UNDYNE oh my lord that made it so much better.

"What I like about you is that yuo're PASSIONATE! You're ANALYTICAL! It doesn't matter what it is! YOU CARE ABOUT IT!!

i love this skeleton

ahahaa i KNEW IT

and awww geez toughest question i've ever had to answer, haha.
buuuut i just said dont lie, so.
i am sorry babe but anime is not real.
(at least not literally, haha. but you know what they say about the effects of things.)

and i wake up in the flowers suddenly.
strange.


i want to apologize for any slight switchiness when i get 'excited' typing like that. i think jewel kind of bleeds into it. i'm not that exuberant, reds are naturally excitable and enthusiastic, whites are not.
so. it's probably mostly still applicable to me? at least feeling-wise. expression-wise, not so much.
i think it's... whoever gets the situation the most. like we both appreciate it, but in different ways. sometimes i can't 'touch' something that jewel can, and vice versa. but we work together.
either way. there is definitely some blurring going on. but nothing severe, nothing bad. i'll clean that up.
for now,
the show must go on! (jewel)
i have to continue onwards. (jay)


another phone call.

howdy! (jewel)
hey, love. (jay)
"if it isn't my good friend, who trusts me." that made both of us smile.
well geez he was nervous about something. anyway off we go!

jay this is YOUR GAME, so GET PLAYING!!

...



"You guys... your support really means a lot to me. But... as difficult as it is to say this... You guys alone can't magically make my own problems go away. I want to be a better person. I don't want to be afraid anymore. And for that to happen, I have to be able to face my own mistakes. i'm going to start doing that now. i want to be clear. this isn't anyone else's problem but mine. but if you don't ever hear from me again..."

there's a crumpled note in the trash can.
"I KNOW WHAT YOU DID."
...in light of alphys' letter, i... i'm not sure what thing is being referred to here, but my heart is wailing in response regardless. i know what i did, either way. and i have to face that too. i have to face the fact that, even if i didn't mean badly at the time, i made a mistake. it was a mistake.
but i can learn. i can move on. i can do what alphys is doing.
now let's go in that room.

METTATON'S ON THE TABLE UPSTAIRS
sweetheart i am so sorry, i really am.
please repair him quick, i want to see him well again.


...the 'bathroom' is an elevator?

oh. oh boy.

we just got downstairs.
let me read this.

oh no. oh no.
please please don't let my suspicions be correct

this is straight-up parnassus shit right here, oh wow

i'm going to write it ALL down for my own reference.

"I will create the power to free us all. I will unleash the power of the SOUL.
The barrier is locked by SOUL power... Unfortunately, this power cannot be recreated artificially. SOUL power can only be derived from what was once living. So, to create more, we will have to use what we have now... the SOULs of monsters.
But extracting a SOUL from a living monster would require incredible power... Besides being impractical, doing so would instantly destroy the SOUL's host. And, unlike the persistent SOULs of humans... the SOULs of most monsters disappear immediately upon death. If only I could make a monster's SOUL last...
I've done it. Using the blueprints, I've extracted it from the human SOULs. I believe this is what gives their SOULs the strength to persist after death. The will to keep living... the resolve to change fate. Let's call this power...
(oh here it comes)
...'Determination."
"ASGORE asked everyone outside the city for monsters that had 'fallen down.' Their bodies came in today. They're still comatose... and soon, they'll all turn into dust. But what happens if I inject 'determination' into them? If their SOULs persist after they perish, then... freedom might be closer than we all thought."

wait did they physicalize determination??? they are literally injecting it into people???

oh my goodness this is really
twisted.
that's the only word i can think of that matches this feeling enough.
tangled. terribly complicated.
thorn bushes.

"things aren't going well. none of the bodies have turned into dust, so i can't get the SOULs. i told the families that i would give them the dust back for the funerals. people are starting to ask me what's happening. what do i do?"


...what the hell just came out of the sink.

"but nobody came"
oh god.

i need a moment.
i'm actually tearing up right now,


this place is creeping me out so bad.
originally it was giving me steven universe forced-fusion vibes, those horrid things,
but this feels worse,
the very vibe of this place makes me want to shake and cry.
but i have
i have determination
i have to keep going.


"nothing is happening. i dont know what to do. i'll just keep injecting everything with 'determination.' i want this to work.
one of the bodies opened its eyes."
"everyone that had fallen down...has woken up. they're all walking around and talking like nothing is wrong. i thought they were goners...?


what the hell is trying to touch me
what is that
this is giving me major yume nikki vibes
...and that was sweet.

i'm really wondering now. i'm really wondering.

i love this game.


...and there's a room full of flowers.


...backtracking entries.

"we'll need a vessel to wield the monster SOULs when the time comes. after all, a monster cannot absorb the SOULs of other monsters. just as a human cannot absorb a human SOUL... so then... what about something that's neither human nor monster?

oh my GOD

THAT'S WHAT THE BOATPERSON SAID

oh god no i know where this is going

i am seriously crying


"experiments on the vessel are a failure. it doesn't seem to be any different from the control cases. whatever. they're a hassle to work with anyway. the seeds just stick to you, and won't let go..."


reaper bird is horribly disturbing


"seems like this research was a dead end... but at least we got a happy ending out of it...? i sent the SOULs and the vessel back to ASGORE. and i called all of the families and told them everyone's alive. i'll send everyone back tomorrow."

remember what flowey said

entry 16
...i knew it.


lemon bread just killed me
i think that's a good time to stop for now.


this is seriously disturbing stuff guys
i have to get up early for mass tomorrow, i need sleep.
i forgot. i was going to sleep in. ah well.

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i do have so, so much to be thankful for
and more on the way
always.

i'll see you then.




 

 

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