aug 10 2015

entry for yesterday.

therapy on monday:
"middle number" emotions are warning signs!
told her we don't normally feel any negative emotions higher than a 1-2.
if we do, let's say they hit a 4, then they will RAPIDLY escalate to a 9-10 within minutes!
this is because those emotions only occur when there is a greater reason beneath them. they are a perfect sign that there's something that NEEDS to be done or discussed or dealt with. it cannot be ignored when the numbers get that high.
therapist agreed with that.

"doublethink" concept? she said it was the concept of SECOND GUESSING something we know, completely, because someone else was insisting that thing was the exact opposite.
this is BIG for us with spiritual things. we have, through solid long-term effort and soul-searching and such, figured out WHAT WORKS and what resonates with us clearly, even if that thing may shift over time. WE KNOW.
however if someone from outside claiming they "know better" tells us the TOTAL OPPOSITE of what we know for ourself, we will have that knee-jerk fear reaction of "what if they're right" and as a result we will, effectively, hold BOTH those utterly conflicting mindsets at once.
but the therapist said the biggest problem here was that we were acting on the second guesses, no matter how "wrong" they felt or how sick they made us.
we are well aware this is a problem that still isn't solved. it requires a metric heckton of personal faith and trust, which is admittedly difficult to hold on to when you've been taught all your life that "other people will always know the truth better than you." it taints our life with fear and we do need to talk about that more in-depth with her.


talking to laurie/ cz that night:
"always looks better on paper" concept, HUGELY relevant to our longterm struggles.
i forget what the example was
but it was the idea that, we're always so enamored with concepts, everything is an IDEA, and it works perfectly and makes total sense and meshes with our beliefs/ morals/ etc. and it's fine until we actually try to put it into practice. then it crashes and burns.
this ties into the "doublethink" thing, i would say? very well. because we might have an understanding of one thing which is totally different than what other people say that thing is... the "understanding" versus the "action." on paper and off paper. and we get confused and consider both sides legitimate and it's a mess.
but. at least we realize now that the "off paper" things are NOT GOOD for the most part. that's like a rule of thumb with this.

i also remember there was some sort of odd realization when talking to cz, body heart vs inner heart?
tied to the "on paper" thing too.
body heart = physical and we were actually depersonalized from it? not sure if this is a response to past trauma, or if this happened before and we never noticed. anyway it's safe when it's NOT OURS. only when it's a thing we can feel/ hear/ etc. not when it's something tied up in "who we are." does that make sense?
jay trying to figure out what a "heart" would feel like personally then, on the inside. said it wasn't even an organ, more of an energy center, very much an intuitive thing so words don't really work. but the image is like a really bright sphere, kind of moving light like sunlight on water. or underwater. and that sort of sunlight glow, not like lamplight. very bright but not blinding or upsetting or harsh. also jay's very "expansive" despite his preoccupation with structure/order, the sense of the "heart" is that is is in a spherical area in the chest but it's much bigger. expands out from the body, like a wash of atmosphere. like it fills up the room. but he does too, he's still uncomfortable with holding a solid form for long.
in other news he's been more genuine with himself lately, when he gets positively overwhelmed he just lets his form shift as it will, usually gets less human, more teeth and eyes and melty structure and feathers. people are amusingly used to it already.