july 14 2015
Jul. 14th, 2015 11:57 am
some things for today.
bit of a messy entry as things have been very messy/ tangled/ etc. lately and i apologize.
but the mess is showing us what needs to be healed, so, therapy is tomorrow and we will confront this.
laurie talking to leon while at work.
shaken and heartbroken by "tiger lily" being around, biggest fear was "does this mean I fucked up my job and the system is effectively saying 'you need to be replaced?'"
leon said he was terribly sorry, couldn't think of any better way to express that empathy. tried to reassure her that since she was still around she was still needed, even if for something different now. but laurie was distraught, "that was my ONE JOB and apparently I failed," existential crisis really.
laurie temporarily "switched back" to original anchor style, joined tiger lily in screaming at whoever was doing the job this morning. brutal, fierce intimidation and corrective guilt, etc. but all that old harsh language. "stop being so careless, you faggot, you'll fuck everything up as usual," etc. "don't be such a goddamned pansy," "straighten the fuck up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you ingrate," etc. so it's good advice, very very good instruction, but it's all so rough.
whoever was getting yelled at was just kind of smiling with the "sacrifice myself for the greater good!" mindset. no emotion, trying so hard to annihilate their self, annihilate their free will, "become a slave of god," et cetera. this person was perfectly willing to starve to death with joy because "the voices told me to" and "when I die I'll go back to god" like they didn’t question it because "questioning means disobeying and disobeying means I am listening to my selfish corrupted ego," their ideal is "total unflinching servitude."
whole day was full of screaming floating voices
there was a child one, a little girl with messy blonde hair? short, not like marigold, and younger. (felt weirdly familiar? a visual introject of someone we know maybe?) kept whining and crying in an emotionally manipulative way. very bratty. knee-jerk reaction was to BEAT the child, "she'd better learn to shut the hell up," etc. appalled by this but at the same time, it was viewed with a neutral "that's the proper response" reaction too. upset that this had been internalized.
you're supposed to love and comfort and care for children, right? well what if they're being demanding little impudent brats? that's our problem with ourself. one of our inner child parts is an insolent little shit, who does nothing but cry for what SHE wants for no good fucking reason, and she KNOWS she's pulling our strings to do so. so the first reaction we get is, "hit the child, teach them to sit down and shut up, make them learn their place, teach them obedience and subservience, let them know that what they're doing is WRONG and it has consequences and it will not be tolerated."
which is what laurie was originally born from, and left, and which tiger lily now picked up.
but we still largely believe that. it's how we treat ourself at large. "beat the selfishness out of them." "bleed out your sinfulness." otherwise we're too selfish, just like everyone else said we were fated to be, right? when someone repeatedly tells you "you HAVE to be THIS way," or even worse, "you ARE this way, so stop fighting it," then no matter how much that goes against your instinct or proper right judgment, enough righteous repeated "facts" like that and you WILL become whatever they say you are, because you feel there is no other choice.
so we were convinced we were the scourge of humanity, and therefore we deserve to be flayed alive to atone for that shit, effectively.
I don't want to think like that anymore, but no other options ARE working currently.
we keep considering forced integration or systemwide annihilation again, this is bullshit
had a bit of an emotional meltdown at home, stress overload. ended up literally hitting ourself and breaking part of our exercise machine in our room. no idea why, just needed the pressure crash but were hit with sickening shock when something broke, knee-jerk terror and regret and fear, scared kid feeling. "why did we do that." very very afraid. anger gone entirely. emotions are confusing
only good thing is that ALL problem foods have been pinpointed and expressly forbidden, in a book, so that's tangible with words and pictures. we need that because otherwise we don't remember WHY something is forbidden and then some jackass says "well then it's okay to eat! we have to try! we can't let anything be bad!" it's an inability to understand that not every edible thing is going to be god's gift to mankind, some foods WILL hurt you, this kid literally cannot comprehend that. "it only hurt you because you're afraid/ angry/ low vibration/ etc. if I eat it it will be okay!!" and then they eat it, and then they switch out and don't feel the headaches and stomachaches and vomiting and all that shit. so they THINK it's perfectly fine. it's not.
jay overcome with rage for most of the morning. not sure why. a lot of it was because of the addictive/ eating voices, especially the child. but he was just icy rage.
that's out-of-character for him but his overlay was exact. he says it was "righteous anger" but we are still struggling with anger. it feels so evil. but he was pissed off at the addict voices, and the floating voices, and he kept telling them what they were doing was intolerable and he would not play into their schemes. furious but it was very very flat? like ice, again
he shouldn't be like this, he's supposed to be light and compassion and hope, offering that instead of ire, what's happening?
laurie was ghosting trying to help him out instead of genesis.
after all this over the course of the day, she looked back at tiger lily and said "did I really use to be that brutal?" and then expressed a surprised but hurt relief that she DIDN'T have to hold that old job anymore, because she couldn't bear to act so hateful like that anymore.
not sure what jay's reaction to that was.
nexus hanging around though. with tiger lily I think? bizarre how so many daemons are insect-esque.
laurie is avoiding dealing with hir just like rio is avoiding dealing with lethe for the most part.
in her defense nexus is creepy as shit but really, you NEED to work with daemons, that's the reason for their existence, to basically personify the shadow work you've been avoiding and which is now unavoidable.
we've never, ever had problems with forgiveness before, why now?
this is very very frightening.
is it tied to the paradox of, "if they don’t think they did anything wrong, there's nothing TO forgive"?
because that is a SELF-BLAMING thing because we believe WE ARE THE ONLY ONES TO BLAME, EVER, and I'm wondering if that's making us bitter and unforgiving because it makes us view ourself as inherently "bad?" like we're a bad influence on everyone. so "how dare we forgive ourself when justice has not been done," hence the constant need for punishment and atonement. we feel that we must PAY for our sins, but we also feel our sinfulness is limitless, therefore we are constantly paying this debt, therefore we CANNOT really "be forgiven" because we're basically shit and you "can't forgive evil itself" or some bullshit.
WHY DO WE THINK OF OURSELF THIS WAY???
HOW DID THAT GET INTO OUR HEAD???
reading a lot of articles tonight.
reading is so exhausting lately. like frustratingly, edge-of-tears exhausting.
it's very informative and VERY helpful, don't get me wrong, but it burns me right out.
I'm not sure if it's because we have to visualize everything or it wont register, or the huge amount of visual data to process, or what. but it's exhausting. must be done though.
some quotes…
★Grief clears pain, and we deny things so we don’t have to feel their pain
THE PROBLEM= I am legitimately convinced, I legitimately believe, that there IS NO PAIN
however. "you must say yes to suffering in order to transcend it."
this everything-is-sunshine-and-roses-all-the-time mindset is effectively saying NO to ALL pain.
interesting important paragraph:
"It’s crucial to have a transformation-ready heart when embarking upon activism. Otherwise, we can be setting ourselves up for pain that sticks to our bones as unreckoned grief until we can transform it.
Indeed, many who resist getting involved in causes greater than themselves, that cause one to empathize with the pain of others, may instinctively know they do not possess the inner alchemical capacity to grieve in order to transform pain and thus resist getting involved. Worse, they may deny that the problems exist in the first place so as not have to deal with what they might not be able to handle.
Ignoring our personal grief closes our eyes to love. Dealing with it opens our own hearts the world."
"Many might feel too overwhelmed by these difficult feelings in their immediate personal life to deal with more difficult news. But maybe this overwhelm is precisely because one has chosen not to deal with their heap of personal pain in the first place?"
this disturbed us when we read it because the phrase "they do not possess the inner alchemical capacity to grieve" felt like absolute damnation, i.e. "you're inherently flawed and you will fail." I hope that's not what they meant.
but it's scary because currently, it feels true. we HAVE become so cold, so resistant, so isolated lately, and it coincides with us being TOTALLY NUMB. we cannot figure out how to safely turn that off.
This is why Q allegedly pissed us off in 2012-- he was doing the SAME THING with this. Ignoring and denying pain and discomfort, due to "not being able to handle it." which we can understand now, even if it still makes us furious, because it's a mirror.
Ironically, at the time we knew him, we constantly insisted we were ALL too ready to face the pain. were we? I don’t know. that was a totally different timeline. Problem is, now we've buried our grief and pain and fear from the past because:
1) we are convinced that "only a fool trips on what is behind him" and "the past does not exist" therefore "don't be shackled to what is over and done with," and
2) the grief/ pain/ guilt/ fear is unbearable because it all screams "you are satan incarnate"
this needs to be dealt with.
we have NO IDEA how to express grief, let alone how to FEEL it in the first place.
we don’t know how to grieve, and that may be because we have two problematic mindsets of "you never lose anything, therefore grief is silly and foolish" and "the things you think you lost, or that deserve grief, are things you need to learn to smile and be okay with. no use resisting reality!"
so grief is utterly confusing and it feels utterly wrong and we cannot cry without feeling like the most selfish, manipulative, proud, abusive man on the planet.
crying, for us, feels like that stupid kid hiccup-sobbing because she wants something sweet. well fuck you. it's poison, you aren't getting any. man the fck up and stop being so hedonistic.
for us, crying is an egotistical control scheme, we've said this before
it's still a huge problem, apparently.
how do you express sadness if crying is viewed as NOT sadness?
how do you express sadness if you don't view sadness as a legitimate emotion?
I really should go see that movie again
a good paragraph:
"One way to discover the vital qualities we have denied is to notice what qualities we find uncomfortable or intolerable in others. Do I have difficulty receiving another’s anger towards me, even when responsibly expressed by them and in proportion to the injury I caused? Is it difficult for me to be present to another’s grief? Am I unable to bear witness and feel compassion for another’s feelings of helplessness, despair, and fear? If so, this might mean that I am denying my own experience of these emotions. Do I cringe and find judgment in others’ freedom, responsibly expressed? Am I jealous of my girlfriend’s good relations with her family? If so, I might use these uncomfortable feelings as guideposts for how to grow a better life for myself."
my favorite paragraph so far:
"When I treat a patient I can’t just boost their wellness if they have a serious disease. I also have to fight the disease. Similarly, we can’t just resort to loving feelings in the face of greedy, sociopathic disease run amok. We can’t just “love” these folks into order, or think they will disappear because we have a cozy life. This is like relying on sugar to fight an infection; it feeds the festering. We need bitter herbs; we need to embody some nastiness, some fierce love."
and hey laurie that's your real job okay?
and another.
“There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion." (Carl Jung)
"An integrative path can’t just give lip service to our difficult emotions, to our suffering, or assume the detached witness position, a posture which many New-Age types seem to try on in order to not have to dip into difficult depths (since difficulty and darkness are antithetical to their belief of “love”). In my experience, true integration as an embodied spiritual path must especially embrace being in the mud, like the lotus – the mud corresponds with the depths of our own bodies. For only by finding light in and from that darkness, through both experience and insight, can we rise up integrated. Our newfound wisdom, joy, compassion and passion emanate from the very conditions which embodied their opposite – in our pain and suffering. This union of opposites, and an openness and path through both, is an integrated spiritual path."
all that is deeply relevant to our system obviously.
oh and one more big one from a REALLY good article.
" Magical thinking is a normal faculty in children between the ages of 2-7. It is also the same brand of childish fantasy prevalent in many spiritual circles. Beliefs that all is light, all is good, everything happens for a reason (so we don’t need to deal with disappointment), only good comes from misfortune, or that pain and misfortune are simply illusions, are all examples of childish magical thinking. They deny the dark, the real pains of life. They also happen to be the theme of many spiritual “playshops.” Applying common sense and critical thinking to these new-age aphorisms, we discover that indeed they are not true, just as a childhood fantasies are untrue…
Reasonable adults understand magical thinking as a natural stage of development, which children grow out of. Yet, when adults ignore their psychological pain and revert to fantasy and other imaginary feel-good beliefs as an unconscious attempt to experience the inherent joy of a healed “heart" and mind, and in place of reason and logic, we have big problems. We get presidents that think hurricanes are the wrath of God. This, among other urgent realities needing recognition, denies the reality of global warming, for example, thereby impeding our progress towards collective wellness…
Disembodied, fantasy-based “spiritual” pursuits that do not respect reality, as well as investments in fun without cultivating our comprehensive adult gifts to the world, are fool’s gold. In fact, you can almost be guaranteed that the degree to which a person pursues magical thinking and unproven, fantasy-based, feel-good spirituality is directly proportional to their unreckoned-with psychological pain."
"…In most 'New Age' doctrines, it is considered “unspiritual” or “unevolved” to even consider the use of defensive force. A good little new-ager is apparently supposed to let people and parasitic beings walk all over them, steal from them, drain their energy, manipulate / implant them, and harm them in any manner they choose. Not only that, but they should also suppress any “negative emotions” so that they will be basically “happy victims” of such abuses. This manipulative, deceptive “teaching” comes from the false-light, and nothing could be further from the real truth."
to be honest this is all SO RELIEVING TO READ
because it's highlighting JUST HOW TOXIC all this new-age stuff ive been internalizing is
and no offense to those people, but I've honestly been choking that stuff down for years
and I KNEW it felt funny but could never figure out why, let alone why it was making me miserable
so I miust not judge, I must not condemn, I must just say, "this is not right for me," and continue down my own path
but
problem is, right now I am scared that "my own path" is FLAWED and that I've been "spiritually misled" all these years
I don’t know the doubt is huge
like I said, forced annihilation is still a contemplated option
because of that internalized belief stated in the last quoted paragraph
"all is good and pain is an illusion SO your shadow work DOESN'T EXIST uwu"
bullshit like that
sorry for the profanity but this anger keeps welling up because I'm SICK OF THIS.
and I want it to get out of my head and anger is telling it to do so. anger has guts.
anger just needs to be tempered down for heavens sake or its going to burn down the house and take us all with it
that won't help anyone.
and holy shit I just found an article that PERFECTLY DESCRIBED that uneasiness I've been feeling about this stuff
dude this is exactly what I was worried about
like I said, don’t judge, please, you fell into that trap too, those people didn’t know
but damn it I was so unsure and doubtful and scared to say no, this explains WHY
it also explains why I always felt so freaked out by the ""guides"" that would talk to me
the things claiming they were angels
et cetera.
they always had really really subtly awful vibes and I could sense that but it was glossed over so much
I don’t know I am just hoping SO MUCH that this article will show that I CAN let go of this control scheme
because it IS one and I have a right to be free of it
so I need to read this and get back to you later.
there is absolutely so much more to read but there is NO time tonight.
I didn’t even get to exercise today I hope I don’t pay for that
work again tomorrow still in the bad "I have a job so I cannot have a life" mode, very toxic
trying to overcome that, not sure how yet. but its an effort
good night