070315

god this is the worst depression i've had in a very, very long time.

i'm so ashamed of myself. i feel like a total fake. headspace is just an absolute mess in every regard.
time loss is still happening. dissociation is happening. i'm only ever safe and peaceful when i'm out of this horrible house, and even then i have a schedule tacked onto my head, a curfew, a plan of action.

there are new scars every single day and i know what that means but i can't cope with it so i end up numbing out until 3am every night

therapy has been such a mess lately, people keep babbling and switching, i feel so fake, we're too bloody abnormal, how the heck is this even real, god i dont even know what i want to be real or not anymore,
i want this religious paranoia to stop, it's terrorizing me, i am so afraid to live,

we still have so many lingering awful memories that make no sense to me, whose were they,
we still feel stuck in 2012 and i dont even know what happened there or who those people were or who WE were,
but i was out driving at dusk today and the sun was a big red cherry slipping down behind the mountains and suddenly i remembered we used to stand at the top of the hill and watch the sun go down, chaos and i, when we lived in that little apartment out west.
and i realized i only EVER remembered walking outside the house, at dusk. there's virtually NO memory of the apartment other than empty location data, i don't know what mornings were like, i dont know.
why are we still STUCK there. what the heck even happened,
why is cannon still spitting needles of furious hatred at the kids we stayed with there,
"anger is a secondary emotion" though who broke her heart that badly,
who broke US that badly,
was our reaction to them a secondary consequence too?


the only person i feel safe around right now is laurie and even then i am scared because i see how wrecked she is emotionally lately,
i dont want to hurt her, i dont ever ever ever want to hurt her,
i dont EVER want some damned hacker TRYING to hurt her BECAUSE of me, i swear i will tear their throats out, dont you EVER TOUCH HER

i don't remember so much.
vision inside is so weird. i'm seeing people like wreckage and algorith and cannon clear as day, and yet i can barely see the people i "used to be close to." what is this distance. is it fixable? should it be fixed?


i desperately, desperately need to talk to someone about this but i dont know how. i dont know how.
we're trying in therapy but no one really has the ability TO talk about it but laurie and i, and laurie has so much trouble getting to the root of the problem in therapy because 1) angry alters trying to shove her out, 2) overlay dissonance and dysphoria problems, 3) she starts sobbing talking about this and crying causes immediate body shutdown.
so what do we do


sorry. i needed to write something, somewhere. things dont feel real today, i dont know what i'm going to do
i'm trying very hard to keep a positive vibe up, but i keep thinking of that "inside out" movie,
someone posted a gif on tumblr of when anger makes that bear comment? but i was looking at fear,
(he would totally have been my favorite as a kid, he's my exact fave character type from that age)
in that gif he's working the control panel and then he just stops and looks at his hand, and its shaking,
and he gets this look on his face and i know it might sound silly but that just hurt my heart because i know that exact feeling.
and awfully, right now i'd prefer to feel that,
because that's an emotion and it shows that he cares about something and i just... don't.
can't.

i remember in 2011 before julie joined us and laurie was still closed off from the world like a government safe
"the only reason I've kept to myself all these years is because of how scared I've been."
she feels everything more vividly than almost anyone else up here, god it must have been hell for her to be so cut off,
and then here i am like a glacial ice wall

i'm not the "real jay" though. i know that. "jay iridos" is the sparkly one who really only exists as a concept. inside. the rainbow light one.
i'm a jay, but no idea what else. i think. god i dont even know. i'm numb as hell and miserable all at once


this entry is getting nowhere and i just want to go upstairs and
i have no idea
i can't exist outside of this state apparently, it's "my job" or role, so
i'll go upstairs and to heck with me being afraid of "dying" it's better than this sort of existence
problem is
there's also fear of someone else LIVING because of the same reason laurie is STILL largely terrified to live,
because someone might hurt you.
because emotions are a doorway straight to the tar.
because if you care about someone, if you get too close,
someone like those kids in utah are going to step all over your boundaries,
they didnt know stop blaming them,
but i can't get his face out of my head and his hands off my face and i can't get that panic out of my ribcage.
at least, i haven't yet. not sure why. how do we forgive something so unapologetically terrifying if he "meant well"
i hate romance
i literally HATE romance and affection at this point
they're not the same bloody thing!!!
but they get too close. too too too close, it's close enough.


god help us this is why we spend all our time with laurie now
genesis has edges but he doesn't really shatter, he's too sharp, that's better but it's still dangerous.
infinitii is intoxicatingly deep and that broadens hir focus so nothing is really 'romantic' it's just intimate,
but that is dangerous as hell because it causes dissociation almost instantly by its very nature.
and chaos is too bloody close
i dont even know who he is anymore, there are too many of him,
just like there are too many of me,
and so many of him are angry and emotionally manipulative and tumultuous and abusively romantic.
and he reminds me too much of those two.
and that makes no sense but there it is.
i dont even know, i am so so so so sorry, we keep repeating this,
we dont hate you, we hate what you did, and we hate ourselves for not speaking up, and feeling we had no right to,
in a way we hate you for "making us feel we had no right to speak up," but you had no idea that happened either,
we were too terribly afraid to talk to you.
you never knew us and we never knew you and i am so sorry things happened like that?
i cant be looking at those memories they literally make me physically nauseous

but laurie has broken edges all over the place.
she's so sad whenever she's with us but it's not sadness it's... it's something wordless that we need.
there's no performance, there's no superfluous talk, there's no stupid relationship ownership nonsense.
there's no hollywood garbage. no courtship junk. no girlfriend idiocy. none of that.
it's fragility and pain and sincerity and it's not volatile at all and i NEED that.

laurie pulls our hair and pushes knuckles into our cheekbones and holds our face like a grenade or a shard of glass,
never never never like a lover,
thank god,
she kisses us like a knight, like a saint on bloodied knees, like a man returning home from war,
we've said this before,
how in the world do we put this into words,
how in the world have we never written poetry about her,
because poetry is too "romantic," it's the completely wrong vibe.

what am i talking about

she's the only safe person right now
infinitii, rarely, and in short amounts
genesis, never romantically, he's not into that anyway,
chaos, not at all.

why do i feel like my heart should hurt over this
it doesnt, its just flat, is that bad?
they said attachment was bad, i despise it anyway,
but is it healthy to be able to just drop a 10+ year relationship on a dime?
to just walk away with no memory of what the past decade was even like?
i guess that's part of d.i.d. or ptsd or whatever the heck we allegedly have
either way its concerning and i dont even know why.


sherlock wrote an entry about all this last year that summarizes the problem perfectly
there was also one last summer that is just as relevant in other topics (all that is happening again too)
this upsets me, we are going in circles, LITERAL circles,
certain topics repeat every single bloody year at this point
no matter how desperately we try to "solve" them.
are we just supposed to let go? abandon the whole "fixing" thing and just forget about it all?



its almost 4am dear god why are we back to pulling johnny-nighters are we really THAT depressed
i know daily life lately is soul-crushingly anxious but it's not THAT bad
we have things we can do to cope, there are happy things,
but
it just feels like running from the void.
we have to let sadness talk somehow
i think?
it isn't "bad" to be sad so stop saying that okay


good night or good morning or whatever.


i found one of my favorite songs on youtube someone finally uploaded it
i've been looping it for hours
and there's this one line that's really the only one that's registering
"and i know we're getting through the night."


that's good enough for now.