.

 

God, give me the strength to protect this kid.

I don't know if the prayers of people like me get heard, or by what, or whatever. All I know is that I'm bloody torn up right now over this, about how terribly scared these kids are, how they're legitimately losing hope, losing the will to fight, to carry on..

God help me I don't know what to do. I'm crying here.

God give me the strength to PROTECT us, all of us for life's sake, ALL of us in here.
Just... I hate hating things, I really do, especially now that Julie's with us. I don't want to hate these tarbrain hackers because geez, what if THEY end up with us one day? And who knows, enough love and effort and they might.
Except that's how Jay thinks. I hope. Used to think, at least. But look what they did to him.

There are a couple of 'psychopaths' in this System, at least. They've got frighteningly brilliant masks and when they take them off it's just bloodied teeth underneath. Eating our hearts out, basically. And at least one of the Jays is into that torture apparently, so that's even MORE opportunity for these bloody hackers to get at him.

Geez look at this word salad. I'm rambling. Guess I'm more nervous than I thought.
Heck, of course I'm nervous. The body's dying for God's sake. I'm so nervous I'm shaking. I don't know what the heck to do.

We're trying. God knows we're trying. Those of us who can still fight are fighting. And apparently, this is really bloody sad but at least it's got a silver lining, apparently the 'body' is learning how to be afraid again. How awful is that. We had so many numb fronters, so many dissociated 'optimist' hackers, that we somehow got inundated with this hellish anaesthetizing numbness thing. Now it's cracking, if only because there are still people on the inside looking out, and even if no one's feeling anything we can still realize what's going on.
It's the most bloody ironic thing. "Logic will save us." Emotion is useless right now. It's corrupt. The knowledge, the experience, the people up here doing the "blasphemous" thing of being "logical" and "analytical" and "judgmental," THEY'RE the ones feeling 'emotions' now, THEY'RE the ones trying to SAVE people for crying out loud,
THE BLEEDING ARCHIVISTS CARE MORE ABOUT HUMAN WORTH THAN THE GODFORSAKEN SPIRITUAL FRONTERS DO.

God help us.
Spice is right, this body is really sick. We've really gotta crack down on that too.
I don't know. I'm literally just unloading my brain onto this screen. Needed an outlet of some sort for all this pain I'm dealing with in silence, ha ha. Bad habit of mine.

God give me strength. That's about it in a nutshell.

I'm out of here for the night. Nothing else I can type that doesn't involve me shattering in tears. I can't do that in the body, the bloody emotion killers step in. My heart actually hurts, and I can't feel that on the outside because this demonic social programming has deemed it "unacceptable." No emotions allowed in the body.
Then again the hacker residue doesn't help. When the body looks like the abuser, or IS the abuser in some cases, seeing IT cry when you're heartbroken is more than a little jarring, so I've heard.

Anyway I can still cry my stupid eyes out inside if I want to. Pretend I didn't say that. God. I'm so bleeding scared of being scared and sad. I guess it's 'cause I know it means I'm at a loss. When I'm at a loss you know there's trouble, heh. Don't like this at all.

Infinitii's gotta help me out here. I've gotta talk to Knife, I haven't seen him in a while. Maybe chill with the girls. Something. Gotta connect with people up here, feel a little alive while I still can, feel that SOMETHING matters more than this...

God all we've wanted is to have this on the outside, that's it.
Who the heck decided to make us "normal?"
Who the heck decided compassion and integrity and individual worth were useless in the face of "popular opinion" or whatever similar garbage? Who the heck decided to just throw everything meaningful to the wind because otherwise they'd be the "freak," the "outcast,"
geez.
We need to get out of this house, I guess. God I don't know. I'm really bloody hopeless and scared right now, I admit it, no use hiding it. I'm slipping really freaking badly, I've gotta go yell at Jewel about this or something.

I don't want to lose my anchor. God I don't want to lose my anchor. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be erased. I don't want to lose who I am like I've seen so many other people do. I've seen too many people die in too many ways. I don't want to be next, not when people are counting on my stability to survive.

God I need a Core to talk to. A Host, whoever, whatever. I need one of them here right about now. It's been so frighteningly hard to find one lately, it's been so bloody hard to function without that constant kid around to yell at and guide around and care for, you know? I haven't been able to figure out who the heck's been around lately, if anyone. I miss Jay. I miss Jewel. I miss Cannon. I miss all the kids who knew me by name and looked up to me as their guardian angel or big sister or best friend or knight in shining armor.
God I am bloody crying. I cannot handle this.

"I'll go wherever you'll go," why on earth is that song playing in my head all of a sudden. Just... come on.

Soeeone's hacking the LEAGUEWORLDS. God, just... what the actual hell, WHY, why won't they freaking STOP, I PAID IN BLOOD FOR THIS, SHE DID, WE ALL DID,
I almost died, I wanted to, because of this trauma, because of all the innocent kids who were paying the real price for this... Ashen and Moxie and all those others we can't find, God, just... why is it always kids, why is it always the sweet ones, Jeremiah and Jay and Julie even, just... why? WHY?
I can't, I can't stand for this. I can't. I need to go get a bunch of Retributors and just straight-out depthcharge this demon, whoever in hell is hacking THEM, hurting those OTHER kids and sweet hearts, I swear why are THEY always the targets, why the blood do you people always touch the innocent ones and spend the entire freaking time smiling and trying to convince them it's OKAY???
What the hell is wrong with you. What the hell is wrong with us that that sort of evil thing is propagating in our head? What sort of messages even took root in here? Who the hell DOES that?
I can't take it, I can't take all these kids being hurt, Sugar's gotta help me with this, Sugar and Wreckage, God forgive me but she is so hard to deal with, I can't bloody handle being around Wreckage for long because she deals with terrors I could never touch, and never WANT to touch, it would tear me to shreds. But she's hard as nails, just like me, but worse. She carries all this pain that doesn't scar.
God help us all.
There is too bloody much pain in here. Why the heck can I feel it, I'm not even enduring any of that, why aren't the kids allowed to be afraid for God's sake?? Who the heck is stopping them? Who the heck tried to convince them it was "okay" to be hurt? Who in hell keeps CONFUSING them??
This is why my boy loves pain. Jay. Poor kid has a legit addiction and I don't understand it but it worries the wits out of me, there's such actual desperation in his eyes when he's bloodied up, it's this need for this sort of heartwrenching compassion he only seems able to really crash into when the pain does too. I don't know. I just keep wondering, what in hell happened to you for this to be such a constant in the Cores, why is our biggest weakness pain, why do the kids keep calling me when they're getting hurt, and for all the wrong reasons, is this why it's so bloody hard for some of them to fight back? Because love is pain, and I'm tied to pain, and when they're euphoric from it they look for me? Not realizing that someone is using that pain as a bloody trapdoor to hurt them like I never, ever would?
Then they call for me again when it's over.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize." They're hysterical, terrified. They didn't understand or even freaking know what was going on. All they knew was that it hurt and in some way they thought it was worth it, only to be proved wrong.
Geez. I shouldn't be looking at this. The apathy is kicking in out of despair, don't you dare take away my compassion and anger. Don't you DARE.

God it hurts so bad because I KNOW, I know how bloody confused they are, I remember one time I found Jay totally debilitated, dazed and dissociated in a hack attempt and I flat-out hit him, I gave him real pain, and all of a sudden he snaps to attention, jumps away, runs to me. Scared out of his mind.
I'm rambling. It is so hard to type right now, I'm trying too hard. All I'm saying is that... blood is still the means of salvation here. The Retributors are still God's Angels if you want to put it that way. We're... heh, "we're" still important and holy here. We are. This... this is so bloody complicated but we're alive, and we care, God knows we love these people we protect and if anyone DARES say otherwise they've got a bone to pick with me.
Bottom line is I don't want to hit a kid, and really I think a lot of these kids are too freaking young to be tied to that association yet. Who can save them? Are they still afraid enough to save themselves? God I hope so, if not I'm telling Sugar and Wreckage to get the heck in there, me too for the record, I should tag along with them on their missions too.
But... it's the older ones, really it's the older ones that I'm personally the most worried about, because Sugar and Wreckage still work through violence, through brute force and that's really important up here but sometimes, the situations get really disturbing and twisted, and brute force doesn't do a thing. I know, I've tried. That's why I started carrying lanterns too. Sometimes the older ones are so messed up from pain already that you've gotta show them the light somehow. Talk them out of danger. Remind them who they are, what is happening, what they're worth... then drag them right outta there if they don't wake up within zero point three seconds. Because I'm not gonna stand by and monologue while someone's life integrity is in danger. Sometimes even a direct threat, those are rare but those are also when brute force works just as well so hey.
What am I talking about. I'm rambling again. Sorry, I'm really out of it today. Overlay isn't working so hot, the time and pain are making it tough too, lot of dissociation going on.

They're hacking the Leagueworlds again. That's unbearable. What do I do.
I can't handle seeing Jewel and Jay react to this, that's worse than anything I could feel on my own, that alone is reason to fight until my bones break for this cause. Anything to save those tears from running down their faces. Anything to keep them safe.

My heart is breaking. I can't deal with this. I might have to talk to someone.
Have a good night if I don't, it's all I can do for anyone right now is wish them the best. I'll do what I can.

 

 

may 25 2015

So, guess who just spent the past 6 hours in the emergency room? This guy!
Don't worry, we're not dead. We just pushed the body to the limit and it kind of collapsed on us. Last night/ this morning was pretty rough to get through as a result.
We haven't been sleeping, haven't been eating, we've been stressing ourselves out, we're still fighting hacks and now there are angry/ upset people FRONTING so we're getting switching and stuff actively for the first time in a while... lots of stress really. So the body broke down awfully and we had to go to the hospital. We're okay now. (We won't be if we don't try to at least get 2 hours of sleep or something, and eat something for heaven's sakes)

I'll write more later maybe, as of right now this is just a timestamp, and a reminder to NOT DO THAT AGAIN.


------------------------------------------------------------------------




@ 10:53 pm



So!!! I must be a really fcking horrible person to be attracting all this stuff to me because I DONT DESERVE TO ENJOY LIFE.

1. Dying, systems are failing
2. money is tight, can't afford what i need to buy
3. have to stop hormone therapy
4. have to go to inpatient facility for a month or whatever

i have this internalizzed belief that "enjoying life is evil because "this life" is evil and if you enjoy it then you are rejecting God," what the fck WHO TAUGHT US THIS, why can't i let go of it?
i know why. it's ebcause i really am that scared of "enyjoyment" because of the "manic red" people
all my life, ALL MY LIFE "enjoylment" has been tied to hedonism and manipulation and selfish extravagance. "I enjoy life! look at me spending all the money on worthless things because i ENJOY it!!! look at me hurting other people and using them because they are helping me get what i ENJOY!!!!" FCK YOU. GO TO HELL.

i hurt so much. i am so, so so so so damn scared
i want TO DIE I WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE RIGHT NOW BUT I HAVE NO METHODS THAT WORK
god i am so fcking tired i am sos cared i dont want to die sick in a hospital bed i wanted to die a martyr, i wanted to die a death that would atone for my life

i am so scared of looking in the mirror and seeing HER
i am sos cared of hearing this voie and hearinf HRE
all i wanted was to grow up to lok like me but now i CAN'T?
now were stuck being HER and god i dont know if i have the strength. does that make me weak, does that make me a selfish fcking damnable shithead "ego," something that doesn't really exist and so it can't be loved because it doesn't deserve love because it's NOT REAL


none of us are real no one's ever around when the body is sick there's just this damn program
what is the soul, what is life, what is a "person,"
when there's only this programmed shithead out all the time being a fcking BITCH

i want to enjoy life, i WANT TO, okay, but "enjoyment" is an automatic condemnation just in saying the word, "enjoying" anything meant i was being watched and graded on it, i was being condemned or objectified, "enjoying" something meant i was now a performance, i was now a judgment, i was now a sleaze. you cant '"enjoy" anything without it becoming a performance act
i am so sick
i just want to not be alive for a while or something i dont know

i miss headspace
i miss whatever the hell we had in the past, i dont remember
i miss

god i've been looking at memories, i've been digging through as many memories as i can possibly find, and all of a sudden i find some from salt lake and i am shocked, i am shocked, there was so much sorrow there. like the abandoned, sad, dry kind. the kind so tired the tears just get wrung out of it like dry dust.

oh god i reall am evil
i really am horrible
look at al this talk all i'm doing is sowing seeds of unease and unhealth i am so so so so goddamn sorry


i won't talk like this anymoer. i think im just going to not go online for a while not update here.
i dont know how to 'be happy' when people are expecting me to identify me with pain and suffering,
i dont want any more pain and suffeirngn, please god whatever i am doing wrong here help me,HELP ME I wdont want to die like this, not liek that please

im sorry. i am sorry for every bad thing i ever said against anyone.
some spiritual paths i yelled at and i am sorry. i am not mad at you i do not hate you. i only got upset because i am so self-doubting, i felt that if i could not "perfectly fit" YOUR path, then i was flawed and wrong, so in desperateion i tried to find 'flaws' in your path to show that i WASN'T all-evil and utterly corrupt. that's not how it works. i have my own path, they said, and it's okay, they said, it's okay for me to be different. why is that so hard for me to accept. why do i feel such suffocating pressure to "conform" and "be normal."
is it this family, saying "i'm just begging god to make you normal again" acting like me being "like i was as a kid" will make me 100% happy and healthy and pure, i dont' know, will it? i dont know who we were then. but the guilt is crushing, i'm 'different," that upsets the family, i am crushing myself, i am telling myself I HAVE no "self" because that is "wrong," it is going agaisnt the people that love me, how dare you upset them....
that can't be how this works.

i am so sorry if i ever said unkind things against anyone or anytihng.i hereby take them all back, i will bear that poison and transmute it as reparation if i can, i am so sorry, please forgive me. i honestly do not hate anyone. i love everyone. even myself. but the "identity" this body has cannot love, it's the sort of thing thehy talk about, "born out of separation," it was born from not-love so it can't learn love or it won't exist. i dont know it sounds utterly proud and primping and that makes mer eally really really sick.
all i know is that i really do love myself BUT during the day i get stepped over? and this "non loving program" steps in and says NO, you CANOT love yourself because your love is "NOT NORMAL" and thereofre NOT ALLOWED. so abuse happens and self-torture happens to force us to be "normal" and god why, why can't we let go of this. why haven't we let go of this yet. why do we feel this shouldn't be let go of. what needs to be healed here.

we dont belong in this world but god it is so so so so sos oso goddamn scary to have things like this happening
i didnt realize we were hurting ourself THAT BAD but here we are, it's right there on paper
god i am so SAD. i want to just wail in despair, scream in hopeless sorrow, it's terrible. i am so sad. i have mourning to do for eyars and i don't know how, because "mourning is stupid, there's no reason to mourn, you didn't lose anything!" so what do i do with this awful choking navy blue emotion, then, what do i do with it, bury it again? turn it off?

i want to throw up from anxiety but i can't, all the vomiting is just contributing to this, i have to just keep it down


i've been fcking up this life so bad and i am so sorry.
i never felt i was "worth anything" and i am sorry i messed it up.
i KNEW i was worth SO MUCH but i felt that was blasphemously proud, i buried it.
i rejected love and i shut down my own love because that was "distasteful" and "licentious"
it's awful. i am so sorry.

i really dont know what to do.



lindy is dead, that was our new ipod, she died this morning. drowned. i am so sorry i wasn't more careful, i couldn't find her.
stupid things like that make me chokingly sad. little stupid ignorances on my part. like hitting the piano. it's this utterly innocent thing, created only to carry joy. and i hit it. and i let it die. and i was selfish and ignorant and lazy. and something else paid the price.

i am so scared of what i will have to pay.

i don't want to be this person anymore. god i DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE

how did the other people scratch the system, how did the other resets happen, god PLEASE let me kill this timeline PLEASE, let a new host step up and please let things be good again, our old entries here were so bright, i don' t remember a damn thing from the past several years, i don't know, i am so fcking sad, god i am so sad, i'm so alone, i'm so damn lonely, i feel utterly abandoned and worthless,
"god" doesnt abandon you but the "god" that keeps answering my prayers is an angry thing that scares me
i am so fcking tired
i am so scared.

there's no reason to be scared.
and no. there's not. death is death. i KNOW its okay afterwards.
the pain of getting to death is scary. but its not forever. AND THIS BODY IS NOT YOU. so take heart in that at least.
it's not. it's not, it's not, it's NOT and it NEVER WAS. she will NEVER be you and she will NEVER kill you and take your place.

but there's an old scared broken part of us that says "i am scared of death, because they told me, when i die i am going to hell."
old beliefs like that ou just have to DROP, there's nothing you can do to "transmute" them, they're just junk.
but. the childhood fear is so loud.
"what if i AM really that bad?? what if i AM going to hell?? shouldn't i be better then?"
but everyone, EVERYONE we know that we ask, family and townsfolk and whatever, ALL OF THEM say that we are "wonderful." that we are an "incredibly kind and sweet person." that they cannot imagine why in the world we think we are bad.
i
i cant see that good? i dont remember it? im not sure what "counts as" good? i keep feeling i need to sacrifice, i need to give all my money away, i need to keep fasting and praying, i need to give away all my possessions, is that really the ideal, the "only way," being so ascetic?
that's why i'm scared. part of me is CONVINCED that unless I am living at the absolute bottom of my means, being strict and harsh with self-discipline and allowing NO "enjoyment,"

that is NOT TRUE

i am going to go bury myself in dream world and positive messages. mark my words. there is STILL HOPE, there is ALWAYS HOPE,
it's not dead, it will never die,
i'm going to try very hard to just be happy and ENJOY LIFE genuinely for a bit before i go to sleep. life is full of beauty and wonder and there is nothing wrong with taking joy in experiencing that.

so all you floating voices go away and leave me alone, i am not going to give up, even if things are very confusing right now, i will not give up