050114

ohhhh my gosh
why tonight, why tonight of all nights, when my heart is still so strangely dead and distant
it was okay earlier, for a bit around 11pm, i was happy enough, i wasnt scared really
but i couldnt reach them, i couldnt reach them, who was i, i dont know, i couldnt reach them

i saw them, i saw spice, i saw emmett, he was mad, yelling at me, but she was in the body how did i not notice
i saw waldorf? i saw julie, lynne, leon, genesis was around today too, we were at the library, all of us
but everything feels so far away, i was just an observer, not really there
even when we got together, me and all the central girls, never done that before, even then i felt cold
i dont know why has it been the time has it been the pain i dont know
and then you send me this, two weeks later, out of nowhere, you send me this and

on sunday evening i felt the biggest wave of love i've felt in a while, in the rain, and it was for cz
i cannot remember the last time i was able to feel love isnt that sad
where has infi been, why hasnt genesis been around more,
and laurie
god help me
i dont know this is breaking my heart and i am so so scared i dont want this being painted broken gold again

dont look at me like that please i love you but dont
i just
not the last time you looked like that i can't

oh my heavens
this is not what i expected and yet it works
and its even better for that
im afraid to look at it geez this is just like december 2012 i believe
why the heck is that the parallel to this

yeah no pictures or details until it's done. i need to clarify details and all
just a bit of fine-tuning once i can actually look at it
without wanting to start sobbing of course
this music isnt helping
i do not care
this is genuine, this feels real, this feels close somehow, this feels like life
i dont know
its like a thread, a little thread, reaching through the fog
this
love is so weird
but it's something
it's a connection to something beautiful that i've been terrified of
for fear of ruining it

but that cant happen
i swear to you that cannot and will not happen
i swear
i will bleed out every drop of my own heart if it will guarantee that beyond a doubt
i will do anything, anything
anything
to keep this from being dirtied and wronged again
and that includes everyone
every aspect, every context, every color, every last facet of this
somehow even when im dead
like this evening
no one will touch you
no one
no one
not like that
ever

ever.

i'm serious laurie i love you so much and i do not know how to handle this right now
it's 1 in the morning and i should not be spilling my veins out onto a black screen i need sleep
but i need this more maybe
something
ive been dead and this is my lifeblood its been missing
i love you okay?
i'm really sorry for being such a mess.

you say you don't mind
but i know that look.
i've known you long enough dear
you "dont mind" that i'm a mess
unconditional love will do that
but
it hurts like hell doesnt it
to see me being such a mess
my white knight
as always.
your heart was always just as bright as mine, did you ever realize?


i seriously need sleep
but there it is, there's those pencils
and i have to look at it
like genuinely look at it
and i am going to want to cry and i dont mind
but
it's
it feels so weird to use the word but
it's beautiful really
to see you.

isn't it odd
it hurts for some hilarious reason
being unable to lie
being unable to hide from the truth.
accepting that hey, look, this is on paper now
its tangible
its real
and now, well

i'm scared of how real it's always been.
and i'm scared of how much i still love all of you.
i'm scared of the shadows and the light.
because
i'm part of it too
and you,

well,
you were the first?
to make sure i understood that truth
in its entirety.
you made me become a person
an individual
and because of you i was able to
grow into something greater than i was.

i don't know.
i'm not used to this
i just realized how much i typed oh man this is going to be hilarious to look back on
but.
let me be honest
make sure i'm being honest
don't let me be scared
at least
remind me that i don't need to be

i trust you enough.

and i love you more than anything that says otherwise.

always.


ich liebe dich, for the record.