positive notes for today.

 

Optimism today, we need it!

Okay, so we all just need to straight-up LET GO of all the old junk. It's coming up SO we can let go of it, and we all know that very well!
This is all very much purge-and-release right now, I can feel it. There was so much anger and sorrow and pain that slammed into me today, but it held the oldest timestamp ever. It was literally all from the old old abuse timeline, stuff that was never felt or released back then, let alone acknowledged, so here it was. I tried not to choke it down, but letting it out was just as painful. I actually got really sick from it!

Laurie agrees that we seriously just need to JUMP at this point, right into the unknown. There's nothing but good ahead at this point; she knows it, I know it, we all know it. But it is a bit scary, if you don't have total trust, to leap into something totally new. It requires that you leave everything else behind. Honestly, I want to. I know most of us do. So I just need to stop letting things hold me back, and jump.
You can only let go completely, all at once-- and when you do, no matter how scared you were a second ago, suddenly there's so much joy it's incredible.

We really, really need to get outside more. Now that it's warmer, that needs to become mandatory. I keep wanting to but holding back, heaven knows why, but I want to start going for morning jogs again (even though I can only do that in our driveway up in these hills), and evening walks. So I'll stop making excuses, and start slow if I have to. Either way, that needs to happen too.
On a similar note, I've been feeling rather pushed to start making my room into a "nice space" again. I got that really strongly in SLC but we couldn't stay there. However, I'm tired of this room not feeling comfortable or welcoming. I want to change that too, so we can work better and sleep better and not get any hacks in here for heaven's sake.

Also. Perhaps most importantly, with this clearing-out thing.
We live in a house where there is a lot of negative energy lingering unfortunately. People get very depressed and angry and violent here, and it sticks in the air. I can feel that, I always can, on my most sensitive days it actually causes me physical pain. But, just like with the old atonement process, lately I haven't been decompressing from all that. I haven't been taking breaks to let all that stuff OUT of us, and to relax, and heal. I've been acting as the garbage receptacle here and that isn't right. I keep going out driving, or just sitting in the car, or looking for excuses to leave the house, just so I can have the freedom I feel outside these walls, and honestly if we need to do that then let's do it! I think that's why the ED stuff and all the other pain is spiking now. We aren't letting it out, simple enough. I want to, but it hasn't happened. Again, gotta take responsibility for that and remember. I'm allowed to be healthy, I'm allowed to make time for myself, I'm allowed to take care of myself even if other people don't approve. That's the scary part. People can say, "I don't like what you're doing," or "I don't think what you're doing works," or "I don't understand what you're doing," et cetera. And then they tell me not to do it, follow their orders instead so they can be happy, even if my doing that would make me very ill. Well I've been having very disturbing nightmares all about that mindset, and after last night I do NOT want to be the puppet that people toss around anymore. I do not want to be the blank-faced, empty-eyed shell I used to be, just because "other people are happier when I do whatever they want." I need to stand up for my own well-being, for our well-being. That isn't a bad thing.

And would you look at that, this literally JUST came up on the page I'm reading:

"So in May, ask yourself:
What and who do I want to engage with? ...How do I want my life to go in terms of my human relationships and dynamics? Because you’re allowed to choose.
But you see the way we’re trained as human beings and the way we’ve been programmed, we don’t think we are allowed to choose. We tend to believe we can’t say X to a person in case it upsets them, or we can’t say Y to a person in case it offends them. Or, I couldn’t go and do Z by myself because I might feel lonely. This is our programming revealed to us...
So ask yourself where you are making yourself a slave to the emotions you fear you will catalyze in others. Emotions in them that aren't your responsibility to help them stay trapped in. I know for many of you listening, you will have learnt over the years to shut your mouth very tight so that you no longer offend anybody or make anybody blow up. And I understand too that would have been something you did for self-preservation, both for you and them...
But this really is the age of communication - higher mind and heart based communication. And so many of you are feeling a little bored and a little frustrated with what’s going on around you. The way to change that is to change the dialogue that comes out of your mouth...
This is important because there is a victim mentality that can play out in the psyche right now around ideas such as 'all of this stuff is being done to me' and 'there are all of these things outside me I should be scared of'.
You can change direction, and you can change what you experience in your life...
So for those of you that are bored and frustrated, look at where you’re not speaking your truth. Look at where you’re not using your words to redirect things."

Posting all of that as it's a good reminder!
We've all been saying this stuff internally for months now, in different words maybe, but we know it. We've just gotten somewhat stagnant because, again, there is so much coming up to let go of, and we're not making the time TO let go of it, because it's Tar stuff obviously and that stuff sticks! And yet I know that it can be let go of. It makes itself look permanent, but it's not. *points to Julie*

Quick personal reiteration:
Intuition is powerful stuff. Trust it. If something feels heavy or toxic or otherwise bad, don't force yourself into it! Don't put yourself down all the time. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt for once, and take the chance of being safe and happy, instead of sick. That's allowed, you know.
Listen to Laurie, don't look back on bad stuff, that is OVER and we all are moving forwards. It feels really nice actually, to see everyone in the System doing their best to become better and brighter than they ever were before, finding the strength and courage to set new anchors if they need too, and trusting each other more than ever as a community.

I'm tired of pain, and suffering, and all that stuff. I want to be happy, I want US to be happy, all of us. And we can be. We WILL be. Heck, we ARE, whenever we choose to be! There is proof of that in here constantly.
I mean, honestly... when even our Retributors, and our traumatized members, are working harder than ever to become positive and free from those old roots... it shows. We're ready for something totally new, we all are.
I read somewhere that, timeline-wise, we're at the end of a 19-year cycle right now? And when I read that I thought, "whoa, that means it started right when all this internal nonsense started!" And yet we're surviving through to the next big thing, something free from all the traumatic stuff those 19 years held. And I'll tell you, I am REALLY GLAD about that!

There's a lot trying to distract me though. I know this, it's obvious. At least I'm aware of it. I just need to stay vigilant, in the positive sense. Stay awake, stay conscious-- but get some sleep too, haha.
Nevertheless, I have two very very powerful positive things in my life helping with this: our System, and Dream World. Both of them have a LOT for me to learn and keep in mind. And both are more heart-based than I tend to realize, which is funny, because it is obvious as ever and yet I guess I've just been overlooking it. I want to embrace them both totally, without putting a gap there, without telling myself I cannot have both. That's nonsense. I already do.
I need to keep meditating too. 'Prayer' in the sense I've grown to know it as, meditation, just listening, just 'being' in nature or wherever else and feelings things as they are. Staying connected to what's real and true and good and nice, really it doesn't go away, it's amazing when even on the worst days I can "tune in" and boom, there's the joy, right there in the sunset or the ticking clock or the thunder or the music in my ears. It's there, always, forever.
Aaand just as I typed that I looked down and it was 11:11. See, this is what I mean! Once you surrender to it, not trying to control or expect, awesome little things just keep happening. I miss being in the vibe of things like this. It really is my natural state.

But I'm thinking too much. I already know all this. We all do. We already can and have done what we need to, even if only in little starts and stops. Nevertheless it's not something we have to "attain" or "get to." We just have to stop getting in our own way really.
So I'll leave this entry be as-is.


Last thing for tonight, as I just saw this and it made me smile so much.

"...Please remember this: none of the things you have ever done, from The Universe’s standpoint, was a mistake. Sure, there were choices and decisions that may not look good to you now, but those choices made you the expanding being you are today. When you release your ‘mistakes’ of the past, you release yourself into the flow of Everything and begin making a more productive future for yourself. Yes, my darling child, you are on the right path."

Now let's relax for heaven's sake, and look forward to tomorrow. What you get is what you give, and what you find is what you hold, so let's stop looking backwards and start something better again right now... together.