oct 30

I found a few things on PTSD today that stood out very, very much to me.

PTSD-based infidelity—as well as pornography addiction— result when the PTSD sufferer no longer feels pure enough to keep being pure in his or her sexual actions... untreated PTSD diminishes the person’s ability to desire to remain unstained in the world.
Those offering a spiritual perspective would say that the PTSD sufferer is moving farther and farther away from acting in accordance with his or her highest self—which is, at its core, all about love. The emotionally healthy individual...wants to love and be loved, and won't elect to engage in actions that consistently extinguish love either within the self or significant others... the PTSD sufferer will continue to act in ways that are destructive to the... highest self.

The numbness is consistent with PTSD... Your capacity for feelings is still there, it is just suppressed for a while until you find a way to come to grips with the trauma memories... The promiscuity you report is also consistent with PTSD...Some others say that people do this sort of thing to punish themselves and create a sense of self-shame, because they feel responsible for causing the stuff they are avoiding...

The goal of the PTSD-Identity is to drive our loved ones and friends away, to ruin our relationships, and make us despise ourselves. This happens as we try... not to feel at all, by engaging in numbing experiences like drugs or alcohol. It usually works: we drive away our friends and family and then despise ourselves.


So all of this nonsense might be PTSD fallout, STILL. I keep denying the fact that I'm still struggling with healing, refusing to acknowledge that I could have been hurt in the first place, because "that means I'm weak and corrupt." But refusing to acknowledge that is just making me bleed more and more and more, and dissociate just as much.

Maybe I should tell my therapist about this outright. The DID aspect of it is making things far more difficult, but if I'm constantly abusing myself and chopping out huge segments of my memory, that's a concern.

I'm just so ashamed of it, of how awfully and often I harm myself, out of guilt and shame and terror and denial. Like that first quote said, I've felt like I've been tainted irreparably, and I no longer feel I have the right to be clean of that ever again. Like I'm beyond saving, beyond help. That's not true, but try convincing me of that on a bad day. The numbness makes me simply not care. And then I end up suicidal again. It sucks.

Not much else to say today. Memory is fuzzy and weird. There was a big headspace event this morning but since I am currently denying my own existence and therefore headspace as well-- thanks to wanting to deny the trauma that is tied TO headspace, isn't that a great Catch22-- I'm not going to think about it.

All I'll say (common courtesy) is that there are cisterns underground, all red candles and dark water, Razor knew her way through them but there were all these things in the water trying to drown us. Past that there is an entire corrupt-White labyrinth, all fluorescent lights and blankness, that is explicitly similar to the original abuse environment. We got lost there, I got stuck there overnight, I was too weak to warp out and didn't know where I was. Laurie and Razor had to find me this morning and I burned myself out warping back to U-Central, but I had no other choice. Infinitii isn't dead, he was down there in the corrupt-white areas too, but it took almost 2 days to get him back. When he did show up in U-C this morning he was horrifically sick; he was coughing (choking?) up HUGE amounts of thick white-colored energy, it was alive apparently, got all these eyes and legs after and ran away. After he got it all out the sphere in his abdomen was EMPTY for the first time since his manifestation, so he TORE IT OUT as he said it was "actively manipulating his energy field" due to its placement in regards to mine (how we all missed the negative significance of this I'll never know). At the end of the morning Infi was also tearing out all this Tar from my ribcage (he's been doing that since April and it won't stay gone) and that whole thing was like I was possessed, I lost all first-person awareness for several minutes, couldn't get it back after that. As a result of not having ANY IDEA who I was in order to ground, "I" shattered to the point where I honestly don't know who I am as a person anymore, no surprise.
Lastly there is a white-colored entity like the Tar, it attacked us at one point last night, it was all crystallized and was pretending it was Infinitii. It was very difficult to avoid because it's not chaotic like the Tar is, it's calculated and scarily direct. Similarly, instead of being actively harmful it is insidiously so, also tied to the "passive suicide" whereas the Tar is the active sort. It's all stupid dichotomy, how did those two slots get corrupted, how do we FIX THIS, nobody knows.

I entered therapy in "fragment mode," a splinter of mine, but thank God I slipped out a few minutes in. After that Jewel, Sherlock, Javier, and Jayce handled the session, Knife kept wanting to get through but didn't know how to talk so that didn't pan out. Laurie and Mulberry were also right behind him, ready to jump in at a moment's notice if need be. Oh and Knife made Jayce give the therapist the papers he and the other Undergrounders wrote yesterday, so we'll see what comes from that.

That's all I have to say for now. I'm sick and tired, I want to sleep. I don't want to be sad and numb anymore but I can't figure out how NOT to be without literally ignoring everything in my life up to this point.
Maybe I'll make Jewel man the house for a while, she has some really cool ideas about her role with us, I THINK SHE'S SURPASSED THE ARTIST DIVISION so that means she might be able to work with headspace AND the Leagueworlds WITHOUT any problems, if so that would be the biggest blessing ever, I'm so thankful.
Also she's a "personal" fronter, she can't really front in public-- but Jayce is REALLY good at public fronting, which is surprising, but makes sense as he's the reflection. Javier is still struggling with fronting as he is literally brand new in terms of manifestation, so he needs to anchor and stabilize more before he'll be able to stay out for extended periods of time.
In any case, even though my identity is in shambles, there are people who can take care of the body in my absence. Problem is there are a lot of bad things that get through too.

Sorry, I'm going in circles. I still don't know who I am, not as an individual, and ironically I don't want to be one. In any case talking isn't helping anyone, so good night.