071013

 

Well I'm quite scared and disturbed.

You do not want to know what my left arm looks like right now.

Boss showed up to tell me, very seriously, that "that is the last straw," and that we need to both discuss this and take action ASAP.
To prepare I am reading through a great deal of archive entries from 2011, because Laurie and I realized with an odd surprise today that 2012 seems to be largely missing from our life? Like we frequently find ourselves skipping it when we count years, or try to find dates, even if we're aware of the events in it having had happened. I wonder if that's a result of the Scratch, who knows.
Regardless there is a TON of relevance here. This and THIS really stand out, for example.

Found my loudest and most interesting "splinter" today, for lack of a better term. You know him as Eros. This explains a lot, and it also gives us a LOT of hope. But we'll get to all that some other time.

Genesis wanted to have a Xanga session with me today but... well, things didn't work out. I did promise him though, so if tomorrow allows, I will. There's an old but important topic I think we need to discuss. Lots of Parnassus stuff too... that series won't leave me alone as of late, which is good, but it's causing a LOT of crazy stuff upstairs that Gen and I really need to figure out together.
The only problem is school. I've had 4 classes total so far and they're doing great, but that awful self-intro speech is due Monday and that is literally the only thing I dread about speech classes. I'm sure we'll manage, but I just don't want it devouring my headspace time like it tends to do.

I miss Infinitii in a weird non-tangible way. Maybe he's sending his emotions to me again. I'll have to see.

There's so much going on inside and I've been ignoring it for so long.
I can't see people anymore. I can't even feel them.
Laurie keeps having mini-breakdowns because she insists I'm "too broken" at this point.
And yet the downstairs world keeps demanding my attention instead.
I don't like that at all.
Heck, that's probably why 2011 was so divine-- I spent about 85% of it upstairs!


In any case, it is extremely late, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, and I'm exhausted.

I'm going to forget about all this blood for the next few hours, and pray no one else sees it.
God I wish I knew what those underground people are trying to pull here. It's frightening.

We'll figure it out though. We always do.
We just need to get back together is all.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:19 pm

 

 

(not j)

i hate this
my mom is home for the first time in weeks and she wont leave
shes staying over tonight which is worse
every time shes around i spend the whole day trying to avoid her
so i dont get sucked into her happy mask acting games
and her silly obsessions over material things
its 10pm and i honestly feel like i just woke up
because i DO NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING about today thanks mom
obviously ive been dissociated this whole time thats lovely
all i know is that someone was binging as theres a ton of food in the fridge
i dont think we drank anything? the body feels extremely sick
not sure if anyone saw the left arm were strangely terrified about it
never been that scared of cuts before but were not even trying to hide these?
go figure its really bizarre and disturbing
school tomorrow, writing first speech and taking first math test
i love math whee our teacher is from our high school hes so cool
so im looking forward to that but not the whole "going to school" thing
which is weird? like i adore the classes but the getting there is stressful
the waking up and getting ready and driving and stuff
cant i just teleport there geez
at least we get to talk to genesis the whole time thats nice
found a lot of beautiful stuff on soundcloud today
its such a deep website thats why i love the internet
we have such an obsession with depth
finding websites we can plunge into is euphoria
like pixiv oh man i miss that site
but i dont miss the nsfw art everywhere ewwwww
why do people even draw that stuff its terrifying
same with tumblr guys please stop drawing p*rn
i dont want it anywhere near me thank you
anyway soundcloud is beautiful so many nice sounds
gonna have to escape there for a bit maybe before we sleep
the mom wont leave lots of us are scared of her, some of us hate her
oh now i remember someone got really mad at her earlier? not sure why
but we dont want to be around her anymore today
we lost our day off to hiding and acting around her, poof its gone
not her fault, our fault for not being able to function around her
but cant leave the house. so stuck.
how many people are writing this thing
see this is why i wish we could write as fast as typing
cant tell apart different typing styles easily but the switches are fast
lots of cofronting and bleedover and stuff
writing is so slow and lots of people forget how to write
or the ap buffer gets in the way too much
not here its so easy to just turn off body sensation and just type
so thats what we do

nothing else to say for tonight this is a waste entry
jewel says stop clogging up the adakias journal with our stuff
you know i miss the days when i had at least 5 active journals
i could at least categorize updates according to who wrote them
or what group was writing them, god only knows at this point
now things are crazier than ever but everythings stuck in here?
go figure thats ironic and ridiculous
so yeah we gotta find a new side journal for this stuff instead
so only j will update the adakias journal like hes supposed to

time to bed goodnight

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:07 pm

 

 

This is J and please excuse my rather OOC enthusiasm but:

OH MY GOSH THEY'RE BOTH ON TUMBLR.

I am actually crying, dear God, this is hilarious, why am I still reacting so strongly to this?

It's been years, so many years, I'm not who I was then, neither are they, so much has changed, so much is different, and yet I love them, I love them in such a strange distant lonely way and I just want them to be happy, forever, always.

And they ARE.

Oh thank God my prayers really were answered. They really were.
All my stupid wishing on stars actually paid off.
I hope they continue to do so. I want ALL their dreams to come true.

It's funny; I was just thinking about them both today, too.
I wonder if that means something?


Still... my heart cannot stop smiling right now.
They're both alive. They're both happy.
I never thought I'd see either of them again, and there they are...

God bless both of you girls, seriously.
You've made my life brighter than you may ever know.