more "abusive" alter troubles

 

I have to write two speeches for this week and as usual, I'm rather lost.
The second is an informative, which I think I'm going to do on DID/MPD, as I have the most "professional" info on hand for it already and I don't have much time to fully research a whole new topic (like the progressive rock, my second choice).
However, the first is a self-intro speech. I have to give that one in less than 24 hours.
Needless to say, we've never been good at writing those.

Anyway. I'm not concerned about that for a few minutes at least. I can't let school destroy our inner coherence again; focusing on school can no longer mean losing focus in our system. That's lethal. It needs to stop.

The "downstairs" people-- we're now calling them the "second floor" or "lower level" to avoid confusion with the collective body's waking life-- are getting progressively more difficult to deal with.
I'm not going to say they're frustrating, or dangerous, or anything like that. No judgments. They just make waking life incredibly tough to push through some days is all.
But they exist for a reason. That's something I've conveniently forced myself to forget over the years, in my weird desperation to convince myself that "none of this is real."
No matter how many times I insist it's fake, though, nothing changes. Instead, things get worse. Things get louder, and sharper, and more painful.
And every single time, there's that one incredible and awful truth that rings in every scream.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US EXISTS FOR A REASON.
And that's a scary thought, when you look at some of us.

I have so many weird problems with empathy and perspective yet, I've realized.
It's not stable. From hour to hour, perspectives can change from one extreme to another, exclusively, with equal amounts of vehemence behind them. So I'm not sure who is feeling or thinking what anymore. However the issues that keep coming up, thanks to Tumblr (which I visit for a few minutes a day; it's too much of a potential trigger disaster to frequent), bother me.
Some of us have real problems with understanding pain, I guess? Like if someone is crying, or mourning, or afraid, or anxious, some of us will look at them with disgust or rage or confusion or incomprehension, instead of compassion or concern.
"Why does it matter if they are suffering, or if they die?"
Incapable of seeing that as a problem.
"Shut the heck up and stop crying, you idiot!"
Sees crying as a shallow, proud, attention-getting scheme.
"You feel victimized? But there's no such thing as victimization."
Can't comprehend offense/defense.
"There are only two genders, as a rule."
Insists that the "two reproductive sexes" are a universal constant.
It's all weird stuff like that. And none of them see a problem with their views-- to them, their opinions make perfect logical sense, EVEN when confronted with reams of arguments and data supporting the exact opposite perspective. They'll acknowledge this other viewpoint, but will not acknowledge its validity. "Oh, you think you have the right perspective. That's nice." And they'll calmly go back to not being able to understand what most individuals consider basic human rights and/or experiences.
Speaking of, at least one of us gets violently angry at the very mention of food, whether as a concept or an item. I won't even dare to get specific here because they're already boiling livid from the single word I did write. I had to stop keeping a dietary journal, or researching anything of the sort, because that lower voice would start to SCREAM in utter destructive rage about it, calling me all sorts of slurs and scathing insults for "daring to even think about such hedonistic filthy words." (It got really scary with the journal; I kept finding things scrawled in furious black letters over the pages the next morning, so I just gave up after a while.) They have no comprehension that the human body actually needs food in order to live. They scoff and insist "that's a filthy whore's excuse."
They've been really, really loud recently, as it's Ramadan. "What's that? Other people are fasting for religious reasons and you're not? What a slut," the voice says to me. "What a filthy slut. If I see you even trying to eat, I will personally eviscerate you." So I've been attempting to fast for the past three days. I almost passed out yesterday, probably from blood sugar or something. I couldn't even form a coherent thought by 6PM. But I'm not hungry and the thought of eating makes me nauseous. So I haven't eaten or drank anything again yet today, and have no desire to. This voice won't stop staring over my shoulder either. I don't blame them.

But they all exist for a reason. That doesn't mean they're "benevolent reasons," not in the strict flowers-and-butterflies sense, but they're good reasons nevertheless.

For example... the group of "abuse alters" downstairs, that Jeremiah is at the core of. There's him, the two scared little boys, the catatonic young man, the anxious little girl, and the frantic young woman. The former four react with tears, sobs, stuttering, resignation, guilt, emptiness, and/or suicidal depression. The latter two are exactly the opposite: the little girl reacts with paranoia, fear, and abject panic; she passed out once just from the terror of simply being in the same room as an adult woman. The teenage girl, though, reacts with nothing but sheer manic rage. Kill whatever did this to me. Kill whatever might ever do this to us again. She will shriek, attack, and physically harm anyone and anything that she perceives as a threat, and she's so damaged that a whispering old woman can be considered a potential rapist, and therefore someone that she wants to destroy. She's one of the LOUDEST people downstairs, just like the sensory-overload girl. I have a very strong feeling that they're connected, possibly being born as two sides of the same initial anchor, whatever that was.
An interesting note is that the AP exists specifically to censor reactions like theirs... ironically, since this group is the most easily and severely triggered, and their reactions are frequently bad enough to shut it off entirely. Yes, you read correctly: this group of alters is so charged with pain that several of them can short out the AP upon fronting, causing the body to become catatonic immediately after being triggered, REGARDLESS of the situation we're in. But that only speaks even louder to their importance, whether or not we acknowledge them.
There's a group of non-traumatic alters, too... including the Gent/ Maverick/ Queen trio, the "cool orange guy," the punk rocker, and possibly the "airport" voice... but they're few and far between, rarely front, and have very shallow anchors. There's not much fueling their existences, but they hold on to what they have... to their reasons for existing.
And then there's the abusive group. The "underground" voices.
Knife, Razor, Jezebel, the lilac killer girl, the two promiscuous women... their numbers are hazy, and they rarely associate with each other, but they exist, and we have the scars to prove it.
You can't run from us.
No, we can't. We can't run physically, for sure, but we can't run psychologically either, although we've been trying to for years... because despite everything we want to believe, everything we've been taught, and everything we wish was true... those bloodstained bladed voices exist for a damn good reason too.


I'm tired. I don't want to think about this anymore, not now.

We have a friend helping us online now. A new friend. It's nice.
They just sent us this very helpful piece of advice:

"Put your focus on something, and that's what you'll get more of. Anything you RESIST, persists. You can only manifest the things you truly desire out of a state of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE with what you ALREADY have, while pursuing what you want with fervor and excitement and energy."

And they struggle with that too. So they understand. But it's true, all true, so true.
It explains why it's so hard to deal with the undergrounders, even the lower level ones. They fill the headspace with so much pain, that it's "all we can think about" by force or choice. It's always there, lingering.
Julie hacked the body for years, now several have picked up where she left off, in worse ways, quieter ways, more destructive ways. How could you imagine that? When a woman isn't crawling on top of you or pinning you down, but you're too empty to scream anymore from all the times that did happen, now they talk to you like a child, like they're so caring and kind, as they tear you to ragged screaming pieces. And you believe them. And you bleed, all the wrong colors, and your shoulders shake and you cry and cry and cry on the inside but your eyes are dead and you just want to sleep, you just want to sleep.

What is fervor and excitement and energy? Have we ever felt any of those things? Where did they go? Were they here once? Whose are they?
We wish we could feel happy things. We wish people upstairs would stop resisting our pain. You keep burying us under all this dirt and brick and sawdust and were screaming for air, there are people down here who want to hurt and kill us, we're connected to you too, when we bleed so do you!!!
but you dont want us to exist you say were not real cause youre afraid youre afraid of what we were born from you want to forget i know. i want to forget too.
but i cant i cant it keeps happening it wont stop god it wont stop. i cant run either but you gotta help me please
pretending i dont exist isnt going to get their hands off me
it isnt going to save me from this pain every day every day
and it isnt going to save you either.

Who's typing? We have no idea.

We should really get back to writing that speech, sorry.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:51 pm

So the undergrounders are now claiming that they're the foundation of the entire system, keeping everything "running according to the rules," and therefore "justifying" their bloody retributions for any of J's actions that they deem sinful or otherwise harmful to the system.
They claim the Central System has "gone soft," allowing atrocities to be committed by J, their alleged core, and that they (those underground) are simply "upholding justice" by demanding that J "pay for his sins" with his own blood, not those of others on any other level of headspace.
They claim they have "no compassion" for J, unlike Laurie, the previous deliverer of judgment. The undergrounders claim sympathy for no one. If you break the rules, they say, you pay the price. It's a matter of principle, nothing more.

I am in no position to judge the righteousness of their claim. Nor am I informed enough to make any claims supporting or refuting those of others.
It simply raises a lot of questions. If those alters were born FROM pain and abuse and atonement, and therefore exist for those reasons alone... who's to say that this isn't what they're supposed to do?
The morality of J's splintered consciousness is something none of us can even guess at though. If a mind breaks to pieces when faced with trauma, and those pieces become conscious of what they were born from... do they not have a right to demand that no further trauma be suffered, or induced, or endured without a thought to their well-being? Do they not have a right to punish those who perpetuate that suffering, if it will prevent further pain to those born from it?

It's a twisted, disturbing situation, and we have no solid answers.
Does anyone?