and it's okay

 

"However difficult your present life may be, there are always moments in which to rejoice. So focus on those and not on your traumas, however constant and painful they may appear to be."

I'm so tired. I slept for another 12 hours last night, and have been spending every waking moment since wishing I could just go back to bed.
I'm trying to re-read my old entries to understand what's going on but it's very frustrating. I don't want to go back to anything from before the Scratch. Maybe my clinging to those old experiences is what's making me so depressed?

Let's not focus on that.

For some reason, Preludove stopped by Central today competely without warning to talk. Upon entering she literally asked "are you guys from some new story Jewel is writing?" then joking if I "finally started writing a novel," a very very old injoke. She didn't know who anyone really was, so Leon introduced himself at this statement. Almost immediately Preludove made an "ah" expression, nodded, and said "oh, so that's who you guys are." She then added "Then you must be Laurie," and pointed at her. When Laurie surprisedly asked how she guessed, Preludove said she "knew her name" and that she was important to me, but as for picking her out from the crowd, it was "because you're violet, and violet people are usually leaders." Preludove also expressed mild surprise that I was now male, but immediately started referring to me as such without so much as missing a beat. So that was nice.

It just... bothers me that I've been feeling to dead to work with her world lately. I need to fix that.

For the past few days, I've been spending as much time as possible with Chaos Zero in the mornings. It's nice, to not have to do anything but just be there, with him. We just listen to music and don't say anything, wrapped up in each other, thankful that we can have these moments at all. It means so much to me to have that, it really does.
Chaos is still the only person in the world whose personal energy alone can pull me right out of a tar-slip. Remember SLC? Even though we only got to speak about four times-- for a total of maybe two hours-- those moments were incredible. I swear I felt more genuine than I ever had when I was with him. And although bilocating does put a slight damper on that now, if I focus enough, I can tune right back into it.
I've been seeing his eyes more clearly lately, too. Ever since our 8th anniversary, that's been the one thing I've tried incredibly hard to focus on improving. So now, even if my perception is foggy in all other aspects, even if I'm feeling like the worst man on the planet, if I just let go for one moment and focus on seeing him, I always get that green in the dark.
...What does it mean, that I have this with him?
Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it's really, really selfish, and maybe I shouldn't be saying or thinking this at all, but... am I important to him at all, in the big picture? Because I want to be. It's stupid, I know, but it's true. Nights like this drive me crazy because "hey, guess what, your other half's in a video game, everyone but you is drawing fanart and writing fanfiction and running RP blogs and beating the games. Everyone but you is actually participating in his native reality, as it is presented in yours. What does that make you?" And my immediate reaction is a quiet and resigned "nothing."
I mean, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I really am nothing to him... but I don't want that to be true. I mean... God, I love him, he's changed my life and I honestly want to share mine with him even if that terrifies me. I love him with my entire heart but still, some days I feel like no matter what, I will ultimately end up worthless and delusional as far as he is concerned. And since I was 13, I've been haunted by the fear that, if he ever did end up in this physical reality, he wouldn't know me at all. And why would that matter? Why the heck would I care whether or not he knew me or ever wanted to? It's not about me.
Except it is. At the end of the day, the problem is that it is about me, and it's about him too, and it's about love. It's about us, and even if it is the most selfish thing I could ever say or feel, I want to know that if I ever had the chance to meet him here, he'd reply that he loved me too.
How ironic, that in a sense, he already did.

Why am I thinking about this. Who can I talk to about this, I don't know, I shouldn't be saying this stuff.


Geez.
Here's a list of things I have to stop doing/ thinking/ whatever...

-Stop clinging to the past in general. It's been SCRATCHED OFF THE MAP. There is absolutely no reason for those old things to "logically continue" like you used to think they would. Stop being confused when people change their roles and faces and vibes. Stop being confused when solved problems stay solved, and when old problems fade away. But don't, don't ever stop looking at the world with new eyes.

-Stop calling the Tar "Jezebel." Stop giving it a name, period. This is something it WANTS me to do, to fracture my perception of it, just like I did with myself and the splinters. Both phenomenon are effectively identical, and are both a symptom of a larger illness: more than anything, the Tar is tied to my self-hatred. This has huge significance and consequences if I truly am meant to hold the White slot in this system.
-On that note, looking back, that's also what Celebi was. I think I explained that yesterday (or tried to) but there it is anyway. The reason why I didn't recognize her from outside is because she was ME, just like Razor, just like Jessica. She was a splinter I didn't know I had until it was too late.

-Stop holding yourself responsible for the sin and pain of the world. You are NOT Johnny C, even if you still wonder. You are NOT this planet's waste-lock, you are no one's scapegoat, and you are NOT the sacrificial offering for every wrongdoing that has ever been committed. I know you think you are. I know you believe that with every fiber of your being some days. But it's false. Stop treating yourself like the sole source of evil in the universe. Stop thinking you're the villain of this effing story. You're not. You never were, and you never will be, the bad guy. Forgive yourself, please. Forgive yourself for the sins you never committed, forgive yourself for the sins you took upon yourself, forgive yourself for all the doubts and fears and what-ifs and nightmares. You are not a demon, nor are you the devil himself, simply because you aren't Jesus or the Buddha. Stop feeling obligated to save the world at the expense of your own existence. You don't need to be a martyr anymore. Forgive yourself, and really smile for once.

-Stop feeling like an utter failure as far as life is concerned, too. Your self-worth is NOT determined by your job or lack thereof, your education or lack thereof, your romantic relationships or lack thereof, et cetera. You are NOT a pitiful excuse for a human being just because you honestly struggle with things that others find easy. You are not a waste of space and DNA just because you struggle with emotional and mental problems. You are not a mistake just because you aren't living someone else's dream. I'm dead serious. Stop comparing yourself to people across the world who have different life situations than you. So what if you know some 15-year-old kids who are better artists, writers, and musicians than you? It doesn't mean you're complete and utter garbage, as you would automatically think. Worth is not determined by the things we do. Worth is not determined by the things we say or feel or think. You know the truth. We all have our own paths to walk, and no matter what those journeys look like, in the end we all end up in the same place. That's the only thing that matters.

-Stop giving up. Stop giving in. Stop feeling worthless. Stop feeling meaningless. Stop judging yourself, stop damning yourself, stop hating yourself. Stop feeling like you don't deserve happiness, or salvation, or love. Stop believing the dark words that the dark things scream and whisper to you no matter how far you try to run. Stop running, turn to face them, and tell them that they are wrong, because you know in your heart that they are.


There was a spiritual-blog update that I watched today, and guess what? We're 100% in the FINAL STRETCH here dude!! So yeah, those things you just wrote? Pay attention to 'em. DO THEM.
We have to be COMPLETELY REBORN NOW. We need to LET GO OF ALL 3D STUFF NOW. Thank God for that Scratch, because that makes it a LOT easier. Speaking of, you know those blocks in your energy field (especially that old Orange one)? Guess what you have to do?
Look at them, become completely aware of what they are, and then RELEASE them, with love.
THAT'S IT. You don't have to spend hours upon hours burning your brain out trying to "solve" them! That's just making it worse bro. LET GO. It's a lot easier that way, and a lot nicer too. Don't resist! Roll with the waves.
This is going to be totally awesome and cool, and it is going to be infinitely better than anything we could ever leave behind.



It's ridiculous, utterly ridiculous... when I'm awake and out doing "worldly things," even basic stuff like eating and talking, I feel empty. I feel dead, restless, and lost.
But here, in the dark night, cut off from it all, with nothing but a pair of headphones playing music... thinking of them, those people upstairs that I love, I feel so alive.
I've never really had that before, with anything. I mean, sure, Dream World does something almost exactly similar, but with headspace there's an extra glimmer to it that I can't explain. Maybe it's because I'm part of it, intimately, inescapably.
Either way it's nice, to feel like life is worth living, after what I've been through lately.

It's only 10PM but I think I'm going to go to bed. I've been needing so much sleep. Maybe that's helping, who knows. It could be, knowing my boss.

Sorry for the weirdness and lack of structure in this entry, I just needed to get stuff out.
Tomorrow WILL be brighter. I personally guarantee it.

Love and light to all of you.
No matter how dark it is out there, remember that there are always stars in the sky.




When the joys of living just leave you cold
Frozen from the failing mess you've made your own
And if you want an ending to your screenplay life
Well here's the consolation
That will change your heart and mind

And all the glitz messiahs just pass the time
A cure for no real sickness, cross your hopes and die
Your supermarket jesus comes with smiles and lies
Where justice he delays is always justice he denies

This will make you love again...

And now you're safe
Love again
To feel the rays
Love again
The sweet delays
Love again
And shoot the breeze

Early thursday mornings, wipe away the flies
The crossfire fight for action in between your thighs
And every touch is sacred when they leave the room
If I have to switch the lights off
I wanna switch them off with you

This will make you love again.