Suddenly all the bizarre "empty" symptoms I'm having make sense-- as does why they go away almost immediately when I'm upstairs or conscious of myself.
Constant vigilance is definitely still a thing. This can be lethal, quite lethal, if I slip. I am doing much better though. Just need to get someone to ghost 24/7, even if the shift rotates, to make sure nothing tries to crack security.
I can deal with the physical problems-- the hot flashes and weakness and weird tingly feelings and headaches and all that. It's the energy-color shake-ups I'm worried about, and my heart's a mess. Nathaniel, if Green really does deal with emotion, you're going to have to work with me here!
But in all seriousness... I can't shake the existential deadness. Honestly, I keep yearning for oblivion in some abstract sense? I think. It's hard to pinpoint. All I know is that nothing feels "worth doing" anymore. I'm sleeping 10 hours a night on average, more if I can. Last night I got about 13. I keep feeling the inspiration I used to put into art-- that huge sparkling tidal wave-- but when I pick up a pencil it subsides. Same with music. The 'wall' between hands and heart feels insurmountable most days, and I don't like that one bit. I just don't know how to translate something so formless into lines and notes. I hope I can learn, somehow.
Nevertheless, lately I just want to sit and stare out a window at the fog or snow for hours, or sleep. But in a peaceful way. Not "I want to die" like in 2010. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't tell. I had this in Utah, but to a somewhat lesser extent as my situation 'forbade' it.
I'm trying to exercise more but with these inner-state imbalances I'm a little scared to. In the past I used to have some severe hacks immediately after exercise, possibly because of endorphins, who knows. Sure, I don't have to worry about hacks like that anymore, but the tar hacks are kind of terrifying because they aren't direct. The vicious raw intent slams into me, and I KNOW it's not me and I can let it just sit there without throwing me off, but it's really disturbing because it doesn't leave. It's this big black shadow just looming there, driving me mad. As of late I've had to forcibly reroute its energy but I don't want to do that any more; it's utterly exhausting. I just am not comfortable with it hovering there, because as soon as I slip... wham. I know it'll strike, even if I'm personally unfazed. That's what makes Tar worse than Julie. Julie's methods dragged me so far in I couldn't tell what was up or down, whereas the Tar doesn't care whether or not I even look at it. It's going to try and flood my brain anyway.
Agh, this isn't something I should be thinking about. I suppose I'm just shaken up.
The 'void' in my stomach came back today. Not sure why. It went away for a week but that might also be because I was giving in to that awful starving feeling and eating really bulky things, which made me terribly ill but at least staved off the "bottomless pit" feeling. Now I'm being more careful and it's coming back. Geez! Still not sure what to do about it... a quote I heard recently does come to mind though. "Your sorrows and hurts are healed only when you touch them with compassion.”
Don't think so hard kid, just let your heart handle it. It knows what to do... and by extension, so do you.
A brighter note: my past two dreams have been INSANELY vivid. This is awesome. I've put my old paper dream journal back on my bedstand. I didn't get to update homefive much in Utah as I would try to spend my mornings with Q and Mel before they left for the day, whereas normally I'd wake up and spend the next 90+ minutes typing and interpreting my dream. Having that taken from me was actually devastating to my mental state and I didn't realize that until I got it back. So I won't take it for granted. I'm going to try to get back into that habit; dreams are very important, and now that they're so much clearer, I want to make sure I'm respecting them as they deserve.
Laurie, Chaos, and I spent about 2 solid hours listening to The Dear Hunter last night, which was absolutely worth it. I still cannot get over how gorgeous the Violet songs are... if I can get over this art block I do want to illustrate them. I actually tried doing 'chibi' versions of Central about two weeks ago, starting with Josephina, but that was ridiculously difficult for three reasons: 1) drawing with a Wacom tablet is stupidly hard for me. 2) Still don't know the 'shortcuts' in digital art so a simple sketch can take me hours. 3) Trying to 'refine' a facial structure under those circumstances can take an entire afternoon. And that's what happened! Seriously I got this far and then gave it a break, because I still get overwhelmed when working with layers... maybe I'll just focus on pencil for a while. I am going back to school in the spring so that's probably a smart idea.
FL Studio is still ridiculously frustrating as I want to write orchestral pieces and you can't exactly do that on that program. The music I hear in my head is not the sort of music that I write, and that drives me nuts... all my electronic work follows the same rough format because that's all I can figure out how to do. I'm not happy with that. Nevertheless I'm going to work FL for all it's worth. I still don't entirely understand the program which is severely hindering the quality of my music, so I've decided to try and learn it in sincerity as soon as I get the opportunity-- in other words, whenever I feel stable enough spiritually. That might not be until January, haha. But it's on my to-do list.
As for why I'm updating tonight... well, there's not much to say in words, but it was significant enough to merit an honest attempt regardless.
I'm having a tough time comprehending all the stuff that's been happening with headspace lately, but... tonight, despite the shadows clawing at my throat, I managed to remember the core of myself strongly enough to transcend that darkness and give light to someone else.
Basically, Laurie's not a black hole anymore. Let's just say I gave her some stars. She was kind of freaking out over it, but hey. She deserves it.
We've got a lot of questions now, sure... even though she's a headvoice, can she get soulwings now? Can she tap into the exclusive energy resonance that allows such drastic manifestations up here? Personally I ardently hope so; It would be amazing. But we'll see. I have to stop trying to rush things. I have to remember that we still have time, even if it's not the same time we used to have... things will happen when they need to happen.
Now I'm exhausted, my teeth ache for unknown reasons, and my vision's spinning. Dude.
See you whenever, keep smiling, don't ever lose faith!