022712

 

I have not been online lately for several reasons.

 

The past four days have been quite distressing but once again, I think I needed a strong shove in a very upsetting direction to motivate me strongly enough to seek change. It worked!
I'm taking slow steps to alleviate/ remove/ heal/ etc. a bunch of issues. As I will likely not have time to update in earnest here for quite some time yet, let me fill you in quickly on that current situation.

1. Schoolwork is a big concern. I'm taking two classes, speech and art, so there's a ton of 'homework' to be worked on at all times. This is keeping me from starting commissions again.
2. Money. I currently have $50 to my name, and still can't find a job. I'm thanking the heavens constantly that I still live with my grandparents, so I at least have a home and food. However...
3. About that food. I've been very distressed over my diet restrictions lately, especially in light of the lack of funds and available 'safe' food resources. I'm burning through the remainder of my cash simply because I cannot eat what the rest of my family eats, and up to this point they haven't been buying what I can eat because it's 'too expensive' or 'no one else wants to eat it.' So yeah. However, in light of point 4, I am talking about this to them, so hopefully they will start working with me... and I am seriously considering flat-out begging my mother tomorrow to help me out with this, as she's never home and I need some extra assistance in working through this problem.
4. I have been VERY sick, thanks to the food problems. I haven't felt well for over two weeks, and it's getting worse. Although I know without a doubt that it's because of food, the sicknesses going around plus my stress levels are making it tougher to manage. It's been incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything at all lately, and I've been chilly and fatigued constantly. I'll be contacting my local doctor about all this on Monday but until then I'm just fighting off the panic attacks.
5. Spiritual matters. These are, in a weird way, the worst. Spiritually, I've been plagued by doubts and feelings of helplessness lately, esp. with the food issues, and it's very unsettling. I have no idea if I CAN change this, let alone if I even SHOULD. It's maddening. Surrender is not resignation, but I don't know if I'm 'supposed' to be stuck in the mud... it's not a nice place to be in. Laurie tells me that I should just meditate more, clear my head and get my mind to stop freaking out over 'life situations,' and I know she's right... which brings us to the next point!
6. My inner life has been 'on hold' because my outer stress is just wearing me out. Genesis is still helping me out as much as he can, but I haven't been 'upstairs' at all, save for my nightly check-ins, which only last like five minutes with how tired I am. We have ideas as to how to deal with the whole 'ego' situation now, which is a very long-term project, but my current state of disarray has that all on hold of course.
7. I've forgotten how to pray lately, as I'm trying too hard. I'm re-learning now, out of spiritual desperation. However I must admit that I think I need prayers right now, if that's something you can offer. I'm a mess, and I need to pull myself together. I know I'm going through this for a reason.

I don't like feeling this sick and scared. But how do I change this? What can I do? Am I just trying too hard? Why is it so difficult for me to have faith, and believe? Is this just me identifying with the mind again? Is this the razor spire overshadowing the lotus cathedral again?
What's with all these negative thoughts and emotions here? I need to let them go!

Then again... nothing ever goes away until it has taught you what you need to know.
I can't lose hope, even if it is pretty dark right now. I can't.

Unfortunately I made some big mistakes yesterday due to acting too fast, and thinking too much. That is another lesson I need to learn: I need to slow down and give myself a day or two to 'broaden my mind' and let go of obsessive or panicked thought before making ANY big decisions. Making a big mistake like this will hopefully help me to remember.
I can't get bogged down with regret though. That's counterproductive.

Laurie was talking to me about this last night, reassuring me that I was fine. I'm not sure why I'm still doubting so much. I think it's because I know there are changes I HAVE to make, but they must be made slowly, and within the limits of my current life situation! Plus I'm again thinking too hard, and making crazy assumptions about my past that have no real merit.
Prime example: my diet. Over the past week I have been convinced that I've been 'making myself terribly sick.' However, this is absolutely not true, and thanks to my mind screaming about it I had to come to some 'logical' conclusions concerning it:
1. Other than these recent diet-related illness, I have not been 'sick' in over a year. On the contrary, I have felt better over the past year than I ever have in my life, regardless of diet. EVEN with the corn intolerance I discovered in August, I had been eating corn for years prior to that, with no 'symptoms' besides very small reactions with larger amounts that summer. So... did I make myself sicker? Who knows.
2. Every single diet I have researched has both support and disdain. Low-carb diets, high-fat diets, anything you can think of... with all my reading, I have found that EVERY one has huge amounts of 'success stories' and people claiming to be healthier than ever on them. From this I have discerned two more things: one, EVERYONE has different dietary needs, and two, THOUGHTS AND EXPECTATIONS are the most powerful aspect of this.
3.My grandmother grew up on a diet consisting mainly of white bread, with some meat and vegetables. She barely eats anything nowadays. She is in her 70s, looks 50, and is one of the absolute healthiest people I know. Go figure. However she exercises constantly; maybe that's the trick?
4. I've been through the anorexic/bulimic hell in the past, when I was first entering my teens. I do not want to go through that again. However over the past week or so I have been terrified to eat, because 'what is really healthy, what isn't, what if I've been poisoning myself this whole time,' etc. This is not cool and I am going to talk about this to my therapist on Wednesday, mark my words. I want this to stop, but it ONLY stops when I'm nowhere near food and my mind is empty. As soon as I'm near food, the thoughts spring up, full of panic and fear and paranoia. 'That's poison! It's going to make you sick! It's going to interact with your other foods and cause a disease!' Seriously, those THOUGHTS are what is going to disease me, not the food!!
5. I am becoming such a health freak that it's keeping me from everything, including life itself. I'm afraid to get a job, leave the house, go to school, etc. because 'you're going to get sick.' It's insane. 'Don't eat that, it's poison' is only the simplest part of it. 'Don't wear that, it's toxic' happens too. 'Don't use that soap, don't breathe that air, don't touch that ,' are also plaguing me. It's Leon's old vice in reverse. Maybe that's why he's still unstable too? Anyway this is avoidance of everything due to perceiving lethal risks in everything and it is driving me even more insane than I already am, haha. However... I've done enough obsessive research over the past four days (you do not want to know how much I've been reading) to know one thing about this for sure: when something needs to be healed, it will be brought back up to the surface. I ignored this problem when I was young, even after it got me so sick I was almost hospitalized. It needs to be dealt with as sensibly as possible now. I need to go through this nutrition hell and GET OUT OF IT before it's going to go away. And I want it gone, for good.
6. Concerning the above points, my 'convincing' myself that I needed a huge dietary change for no reason is only harming me. The only plus is that I'm now re-introducing eggs and meat into my diet, which I was cutting out for quite some time thanks to different dietary fears! Geez. Moderation is key, eat as naturally as you can, cut down on sugars. That's it, that's the bottom line. I need to stop obsessing over my health, that will just make it worse, and it IS making it worse right now. I need to ignore my mind and stop 'expecting' things. Let go. Let go of ALL of it and you'll see, everything will turn out fine. It has been so far.
Also I need to figure out what exercise routine to stick on. I want to be careful with my joints but I don't want to be sedentary all the time, which I mostly am now with school, and that is driving me nuts. I walk whenever possible but I've slacked off on weightlifting, so I'm going to start that up again tonight. Plus I have a lot of back exercises I should be doing, now that I think about it.
In any case I am seeing a medical doctor about all this on Wednesday (not just my therapist, talk about timing), just to make sure I have nothing actually going on that I need to take care of. Better safe than sorry, I guess.

Oh yeah, and Laurie checked up on me in my dream last night, after I asked her to, AGAIN. It's uncanny how she always follows through on these things.
Let me copy-paste from homefive:
"...The room inside was dark, vaguely purple, and contained only a canopy bed (against the wall by the door, facing the opposite wall) and two pieces of furniture (a bookshelf to the left, almost in front of the door, and a bureau against the opposite wall). To my complete surprise, Laurie was sitting on the edge of the bed by the door, obviously waiting. She casually looked up as I walked in, said "there you are," and then proceeded to talk to me like we were awake-- once again disclosing to me that yes, we were dreaming. I also remember she was specifically discussing my waking life situation at the time, which felt surreal but strangely comfortable within the dream environment.
We talked for a minute or so, as Laurie knew I was in a hurry, but as she finished talking I noticed there was some sort of small, but elaborate silver staff on the bed behind her, like Sailor Moon's Eternal Tiare. I jokingly asked Laurie if it was a magical girl weapon, and she flatly replied, "what else did you think it was," and hit me over the head with it. Obviously that did hurt, but it also caused a positive emotion wave in me, which was great as I had been worrying for the entire dream. Now with a clearer head and amusingly intrigued by the wand-weapon, I took another look at the room we were in, and realized it was somewhat fancier than the sort of room I'd expect Laurie to have, what with her brutal appearance. I told her this, and Laurie said that she liked some 'feminine' things and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Hearing her say that was pretty awesome.
After this, though, she began to look slightly impatient, like there was something we needed to do and were running out of time. I then remembered the situation [from earlier], but Laurie apparently knew about this already. She then told me I needed to leave, but first I had to do something in another room connected to hers. I forget what I had to do, but Laurie told me that I could access the room needed by moving aside the bookshelf to our left. I was confused and asked how would that work, as the hallway was lined with doorways; wouldn't that just open into the room next door? But Laurie said no-- the wall was thick enough (barely two inches) to hold a Tardis-like extra room within it, so behind the bookshelf was indeed a whole other room, existing within the space of the wall. I marveled at this for a moment but Laurie insisted I get moving, so I ran over to the bookshelf. However, just as I pushed it out of the way (revealing a yellow-lighted, virtually empty room beyond), I woke up."
So yeah, pretty cool stuff. I miss seeing her in dreams in any case, so this meant a lot to me just for that reason.

 

In other news I started to try and draw again today, and I MIGHT get a job within the next week, THANK GOD. I need money for daily needs, seriously.
Plus other 'freelance' job opportunities are opening up here and there, IF I can rise up to them. I won't give up though.
So little improvements here and there are great, but the big improvement I need to make is this:
Stop listening to my mind. Stop focusing obsessively on problems.
Let go, believe, and remember that it's all temporary. There's more to life than this life.

Speaking of... Dream World is my biggest source of joy right now, actually. Something keeps holding me back from it though, which I'm trying to overcome.
I'm going to force myself to draw for it tomorrow, even if it's just scribbles. Maybe that will help me calm down, get back on track.
"Just have faith," I keep seeing. Your thoughts are more important than you realize.
I think I'll be drawing Myume tomorrow... I need to remember that, more than anything, I think.
She was my best friend for a while in elementary school, after all. I think it's time she and I started working together again.


I'll see you again soon, and when I do, I promise you, I will have brighter news.
Low points are necessary, but I need to make sure I'm handling them correctly.
I will get through this, mark my words!