fractured mirrors

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE



I think I'll ask what we're all wondering right now. WHAT the HELL just happened.

...I can't talk about this.

Kid you are going to talk about this if I have to tear the words out of you. TALK.

Laurie, dad's not doing okay, please don't yell at him anymore.

Xenophon, listen, I know he's not doing okay, but look at your other dad. Look. No one in this bloody room is doing okay right now and that's why we're here. This needs to be settled, somehow, I don't know. Jewel, what the hell happened.

I was hacked. Badly. First time in a long time. A very long time.

Last I remember a breakdown like this happening was October of 2010.

...

And that wasn't the bloody question. I mean what happened afterwards. This is an actual genuine relapse and you are scaring me to death, Jewel.

I know.

He's scaring me.

...No kidding, Xennie. Question.

What?

What just happened with you two?

Laurie I am in such pain and I am too tired and empty to cry anymore.

At least not physically, obviously.

Laurie.

...What?

Can we please just get to the point.

And what is the point, pray tell? Your soulmate won't talk.

It hurts, Laurie.

Damn it I know it hurts, did you forget I feel this pain too?!

...

Laurie, what do you mean?

...I mean wherever your dad is bleeding right now, I've got the same scars.

!

God, Laurie, I am so sorry.

There's the tears. Told you you weren't dead yet.

Why did this happen. Why the hell did this happen.

Dad?

Xennie, please, don't freak out. We're all just hurting a lot. This doesn't feel real.

It is real. That's your mind freaking the hell out, not her. It's already trying to shut down.

Shouldn't I just let it at this point?

Not if it takes you with it. Calm down. But we need to talk about this.

What is there to say?

Whatever you said to Xenophon. Whatever the hell caused that massive splinter catastrophe a half hour ago.

That wasn't a splinter, Laurie.

Whatever the hell it was, it scared me to death.

I've never seen him like that.

I have. Once.

When?

A long time ago. 2008. Let's just say a knife slipped. I saw that, Jewel. Don't think I didn't. You looked at that knife today and you flipped out. The hell was that?

I snapped.

No kidding you snapped.

I... it was too much. Too much, all at once, like... oh God, why in heaven is this playing now.

Sounds like the greater good is trying to remind you of itself.

Laurie, I don't think either of us can take that right now.

Fine, switch it.

...

Jewel?

You tried to stop me. You literally held my arm back. I fought you. I fought you even though I knew you were protecting me.

You told me you didn't have the heart to do it. You couldn't. Then you did it anyway.

I snapped. I... I couldn't take it. It drove me over the edge. I was screaming, sobbing...

Because you remembered this, didn't you.

I...

Daddy? What were you saying about me?

...God forgive me, Xenophon, that was the breaking point, it really was.

He was crying really hard. It scared me a lot. I've never seen him so sad before.

That's called heartbreak, kid. What'd you say about her, Jewel?

I said that I remembered the last time this happened, in the fall of 2010, with the bloody showers and the 3AM nightmares and the constant mindrape. I remembered all of that hell, throwing up in the middle of the night, not being able to see, feeling like I was going to die. I remembered the hospital and I remembered standing in the kitchen at an ungodly hour sawing my arms open because there was already blood on my hands so why not make it literal? I paid in blood, I paid with my sanity, I would have cut my heart open and spilled out everything I was on the filthy floor for what I did. And today I stood there with the knife in my hand and I wasn't me and no one was in the mirror but some nameless horror and I was bleeding and then I looked at the graves, and I realized that they could've been my baby girl, God, that could've been my daughter, she could have been dead , I could have killed her. I just... I lost it. I lost it, everything, right then. And I would have cried until the end of the world if I didn't die from the pain first. My heart shattered, completely. Then I remembered when you were the one with the knife to your throat, Laurie, and I remembered seeing your scars only two weeks ago, only two freaking weeks ago and you have so many scars, and I loved you and I loved Chaos more than I've ever loved anything in my life , I love you, and I... God, I feel like I've committed adultery against the entire universe, and maybe I have, dear God I don't even know, I could have died right then, how could I have been so blind? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have forgotten who I am, even for a moment, when a moment is enough to sink a knife deep enough into a vein to bleed to death? That was all it would take. And even now, even today, when I stood there with my heartbeat under cold steel I remembered it was also yours and I am so sorry, I am so damn sorry, I never meant to hurt any of you, but I wanted to tear myself to pieces and that's essentially the same thing. Xenophon, I love you, my beautiful baby girl, I am so sorry that you had to see me like this, I never wanted to hurt you, and yet here I am...

Dad...

...

Chaos, please, stop crying already, I cannot take this.

You want me to stop?! Tell him to stop doing this to himself, then I'll stop!! We're all bleeding here, Laurie, every single one of us, that's why this hurts so much!!

...And you're still an empath, aren't you. You're feeling all of this.

Every aching second I'm being reminded of that, thank you.

...I'm sorry.

You're sorry??

I tried to stop him. I guess I couldn't.

Laurie, don't, please, my heart can't take this.

And it could take all that other torture?! Jewel, get your bloody priorities in order! Do I have to take the knife and put it against my throat again for you to finally stop this?!

No, no please, don't do that.

If it's the only thing that'll stop this, I'll do it a thousand times over. You know I would.

...

Laurie I don't want you bleeding too!

Kid, did he show you what he did to himself?

...Yes.

Then you understand why I'm so ticked off.

That's not what I'm getting, Laurie.

Shut up. Sorry. Just... you know what I mean.

Of all days for me to relapse. Of all the bloody days.

Well it is almost a year after the 'titanic' entry, after all.

That doesn't mean anything. Time doesn't justify this. Time doesn't freaking justify any of this. I hereby renounce my old title. Fuck time. What horrific irony. I was doing this to myself. I could have died, countless times, I was always just letting this happen. Deep down inside I hated myself. Somewhere deep down I still do.

Jewel, calm the heck down. You want to renounce old titles? Go right ahead. But don't forget what your real title is.

That's why this hurts, Laurie. This is self-sabotage at the deepest level. This is me walking right up to the tar and saying "well hell, I've screwed up big time anyway, do whatever the hell you want to me!" And then wondering why the hell I have PTSD for the rest of my life and can't leave the house without panicking that it'll happen again, it'll happen again and that night I'll be standing in front of a mirror with red on my hands and screaming with a voice I don't recognize.

You're not in your eyes.

...

What, he isn't?

No. I don't even have to look to know that.

...Damn.

Daddy?

...

Xenophon, get the heck over there. Help him out.

How? I can't make him stop bleeding!

I'm not asking you to. But at least you can take away the pain a little, or something . I don't know, just help him out, please.

Can't you?

...Something tells me I can't.

Laurie...

Aaand that is why.

Do you... do you think this is a block? Something? I don't know.

Were you desperate?

When?

When the hack happened. Were you so bloody desperate you didn't realize what was happening to you?

I wasn't even there. I quite literally was not even there. I recognize what that feels like when I come back.

You're still not all the way back.

...I... I need closure. Something. I need to talk about... what just happened.

That's what I've been telling you to do. Spit it out.

Do you mind?

Heck no, just talk.

I didn't think my dysphoria could get this bad. But I forgot what the nightmares felt like. I forgot what it felt like, to lucidly realize I was in the wrong body, and to know that I was trapped in it so terribly. To be stuck in this form while they did what they did to me was hell. And it made me hate myself even more. I internalized all the pain and trauma. I began objectifying myself, seeing myself as nothing but a sacrificial offering, nothing but a bloody corpse to desecrate, nothing but a plaything at their hands as long as I looked like this. As long as I looked like them . And I believed it. I really did. Now, if I'm reminded of that even in the slightest, I fall. I fall into a very, very dark place, where I can't see the light because I'm not the one looking out of my eyes anymore. That happened today. My desperation turned into a maniacal destruction drive and you know what happened.

Does this tie into the 14th?

...

...Yeah. Sickly so.

You were forcing yourself into the wrong role, weren't you.

Why do I do that?

You still don't believe you have the right to be who you are, Eros. You still feel you have this bloody obligation to fit every misconception and label they throw at you. You don't. None of it is true. You're love, not lust. Ever. You know that without a shadow of a doubt. But you still throw yourself to the dogs because hell, you still aren't sure if you love yourself, are you?

No.

There you go.

Why is the 14th being misrouted?

You tell me. That was the worst dysphoria I've seen in you prior to this. I mean come on, kid, you were ready to tear yourself open from sheer agony that night. You said you felt caged.

I was! I am! My soul works one way and this body works another way. I can't do what I need to. I can't . Not in this shell, not even in this world. And that is terrifying, Laurie, it's terrifying to realize that I am literally being held back from... from everything, somehow. Just because I'm stuck in blood and bones. It hurts, it's the scariest thing I've ever known. And then I get desperate and jump at every tiny flicker of possibility I can find because I cannot take this anymore! What's that, this works for you? Hell, I don't care if my biology or psychology isn't even compatible! Let's do this thing! I'm so damn scared and broken that even the most horrific lie still looks like hope to me, because that's all that's keeping me alive when I fall that far, and I see it everywhere, just because I want it to be everywhere. And then I realize it's not, and this happens, and I...

And you lose it.

Completely.

Dad, what are you being blocked from doing?

...I'm still trying to figure that out.

Your father is trying to merge with life itself and that's not physically possible.

It's the thanatos drive flipped into blinding light. Too much of a good thing. It's a death wish that's only there because the other side is so beautiful, and I'm tired of feeling separate. I'm tired.

So you try to give everything you are to everything there is.

...

Was that a pun, Laurie?

Maybe for him. You know what, yeah, sure. After the 14th it absolutely is. I heard about that directly, remember.

Laurie it was terrifying! I was... I don't know why this is so strong. I am literally trying to give my life , my heart and soul and body and mind and everything I've ever been or ever will be to him, everything , just for the sake of giving it. Just because I love him so much, so completely. I just want to give him everything. And I am going too far with that need. It's... it's scary. It's insatiable. I need to give myself away, totally and honestly, because there's so much love in me I cannot keep it to myself because that's too much separation for my heart to take anymore.

Love and Chaos, kid. You know the old myths. That's you, both of you.

I know, but...

But love keeps everything from falling back into nothingness, into divine oblivion.

I want to go back, somewhere deep inside. I want to just be light again.

But there's a reason you're here, with a form, cupid boy. You have so much love in you for this world, too, and you know that you're alive because your responsibility is to share that, to give that, in a way that doesn't involve freakin' killing yourself.

It's the wrong form.

Maybe it is. But then ask yourself why you have it regardless. You already know that answer, we've discussed this.

I can't deal with it anymore.

Then start making changes. But it did play a purpose.

I know.

So accept that, and that alone. Don't identify with that other stuff because that is the ONLY reason today happened and you know it.

I was standing above the sink, trying to wash the blood off, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. And Xenophon, you were right there. You kept asking me if I was okay. I said no.

And I kept asking you because I want you to be okay, dad!

There's that indomitable hope again. Man. How much did she inherit from you?

I hope to God she didn't inherit this.

I didn't, dad. I promise.

Please, beautiful, promise me you'll never be as much of a mess as your dad is.

You're not a mess, dad. You're just in a bad place right now.

The kid speaks the truth.

She does.

...I need to believe this myself, though. I believe you, all of you, with my entire heart, but I won't even say that to myself so I can't accept it completely.

And why the hell are we still battling self-love problems? Is that just because of this damned dysphoria?

Ironically. It's a catch-22. The gender issues keep me from accepting myself, and I would accept myself if I didn't have these problems. I do love myself, when I'm up here. When I'm with all of you.

Because you can be who you are. No limits. No cages.

No energy rerouting. No trying to give and only getting.

...

Can we talk about that, actually? The heck is that with you two?

Jewel just wants to give me everything. He won't let me give him anything unless I practically force it.

You're not the one forcing. I did, on the 14th. I am so sorry.

Jewel, I felt how frantic you were, I knew why you were doing that, it's okay.

Are you sure?

Jewel, I'm positive . You were just... going about it the wrong way.

That's why I'm sorry.

I know.

So he'll give you all he has but won't take the same from you?

Not on that level. It's the wrong sort of energy flow.

I can't take things in. It feels wrong . It feels catastrophically wrong. I can give energy, I can radiate and flow outwards all I want, it's perfect, but as soon as someone tries to make me hold energy? As soon as I have to stop giving and start getting? No. It's traumatic. I can do energy out but not energy in, ever. Connections are a different story.

That's a circular flow though.

It is, there is no direction, it just is . I love that so much, it's perfect. But... everything else just feels so wrong, but that's the level I'm so desperate to get right, even if that's impossible, I don't know...

What the hell are you trying to get right?

The way it works. The fact that I'm being literally blocked from functioning how I need to, which ironically is in a way that doesn't even involve this level. But there's too much hope, and I'm in too much pain, and this all-consuming merge drive is making me willing to do anything just to accomplish that. That's scary. The ends don't justify the means, and the ends keep falling far short anyway. They don't measure up at all but I keep thinking "there has to be a way to change this, there has to be..." I've been saying that for years, Laurie, despite the nightmares, despite the hacks, despite the nights I've gone to sleep crying my eyes out and begging to either wake up differently or die. Despite all that I can't seem to let go of this impossible, impossible hope that one day reality will change to reflect what I feel inside. It won't happen. It can't. But my heart can't accept that either.

I figured as much. So now what do we do?

I don't know.

Days like today need to stop happening.

I thought they did! Damn it, we haven't had anything like this in almost a year! Then wham, one tiny little trigger and we're back where we started. What the hell. Jewel, how the hell did this even happen?

I... don't know. I never do. It's all unconscious, it's all a result of the pain I suppress and deny because "you don't have any right to complain."

Kid, you can at least accept that you're suffering, that's just as important.

We've been over that.

We have been. But apparently, you aren't over that hurdle yet.

I keep trying to walk around it.

And that doesn't count. So what the hell happened today, unconsciously or not, that made you start doing this to yourself?

I... maybe it was simply being forced to socially 'identify' with form again. I walked into art class this morning, doing everything I could to pass, and then the teacher flat-out called me a girl and I think something inside me snapped. It was an art class and they called me a fcking girl. That was a 2009 trigger, I just know it, something in the back of my mind remembered the mornings spent seething behind a clipboard and trying not to gut myself with sculpture blades. You remember that, Laurie. I was at the edge of killing myself or killing someone else, the whole damn semester, and it was horrifying that I felt that, but it was all the self-hatred and dysphoria and ignored trauma being yanked to the surface because hey look, there's a naked woman in front of the class, do you remember what happened to you the last time you were in this situation? Of course I did, it was why I would spend the evenings screaming in my car, hiding knives in my shirt pockets, sleeping my life away and bleeding in front of mirrors that lied, they lied to my face .

Jewel, something is telling me you have a lot more pain you need to deal with than I thought.

Maybe. Not really. This is the pain body thing. This is all my past trauma being dug up thanks to today. I guess I never really accepted it, or dealt with it, or even faced it honestly. I haven't even told my therapists about this, you're the only people who know. Just you, and the other people up here.

Not even all of them. Chaos, Genesis and I are the only ones who know the bloody details.

Should I know, Laurie?

Heck no. Your dad has suffered through hell. I think you've seen enough of that today.

...I don't want him to bleed anymore Laurie. I'm so scared.

We all are, kid. We all are.

We're going in circles.

No kidding? Apparently there's a reason we're wearing a hole into the metaphysical floor here. We need to figure out where the damned exit is before we fall through this thing into something worse.

How?

You tell me. Let's go back to the beginning. What started this conversation?

A hack. Fallout. Abuse. You said we needed to talk so here we are.

Sure, but what have we solved?

We found out there's a lot more that needs to be solved. We discussed the 14th, and the fact that my problems there kind of caused today to happen, indirectly, painfully.

Hm. I can't help but feel we're missing something.

Daddy, did you tell her about the scars?

Which... which ones?

When you were washing them off. You told me Laurie had them. And then you said your heart broke in half and you couldn't cry anymore.

...I think I said that already.

But then you mentioned Chaos too and you wouldn't talk about that?

I mentioned you more than anything, love.

I know dad, but I know you love him too, a lot, and you haven't talked to him yet tonight.

...

Yep, that's what we're missing. Thanks kid.

Mm-hm. I just thought it was important because usually dad talks about Chaos a lot.

Well duh, they're in love, and Chaos is your dad too.

And that's what hurts the most right now.

Obviously. Just, uh... Xennie, how does this tie into the scars?

Because when he realized that he just kept crying about you and Chaos and me. So they were important for all of that.

Hm. I get it. You two need to talk.

How?

Open your mouth and say something, it's not that hard.

It kind of is when you're in this much pain, Laurie.

Yeah, dad couldn't talk either. He was crying too hard.

Xennie, did you see your other dad when that was happening? You want to talk about tears, well, Chaos was just as bad as Jewel was on that note.

Was he?

Yeah, I was.

He... usually is. That hurts. Laurie, I don't want to start crying again, but this really hurts.

Then talk about it. Both of you. You've barely said five words to each other and Chaos is actually across the room from you for once, I think that's a tragic first.

...

Closeness would... ironically end all this.

That why you're avoiding it then? The negativity hope problem of yours? "Oh, I'm suffering through hell here, that automatically means the situation has to change for the better because damn I've been through enough of it already!" It's not going to do a bloody thing unless you change it, Jewel. You too Chaos. You were just talking about that this afternoon. Getting stuck in the pain won't solve anything.

I know. And I'm well aware of that. But... the same part of me that is still sobbing over what I've allowed to happen here is telling me that, because of such a wrongdoing on my part, I don't deserve him.

You said you didn't deserve me either, dad. But I'm still here.

I know.

And so is my other dad. We're all here, Jewel, and we all love you even if you don't deserve us! That's okay!

The whole 'deserving' thing is pure nonsense anyway. I don't give a damn what the criteria are. We all have each other and that's all that matters, that's it, bottom line. So stop judging each other based on your own self-worth problems and fix this mess already.

Is that what we're doing?

Obviously. You hate yourself right now and you think he's this epoch of righteousness and going near him will damage him irreparably, somehow. That's old news, and you know it.

...

You two can't hurt each other, even if you tried. That's what love's about, isn't it?

...It is.

And you, why the heck won't you talk to him?

...I know he's feeling like this.

And you don't want to pick up on any more of his pain because then you'll blame yourself for that and things will just get worse for both of you. Listen, I don't give a damn what the problem is. You're both making this a problem. You love each other and that is all I care about right now, that is all that's ever going to solve this problem, so drop the drama and freaking fix this. There's too much pain in here for my liking.

You know what, Laurie, I was just thinking about that today.

What?

You, and pain. It's only ever been positive from you. Even when you mellowed out, so to speak, I always associated you with anger and pain. I don't know why.

It was bloody righteous anger at all the torture you were letting happen to yourself, and the pain was to wake you up. It was inevitable. You know that.

I do. But it... doesn't fit. You're not cruel or bitter, even with all those walls up. Even when you seem harsh, you're not. You have one of the brightest hearts I've ever known and I can't believe I didn't recognize that until now. So don't talk about love like you're not in it, Laurie. You are.

...Kid, then listen to me and live in that instead of this dead-end drama. Please, you two, can't we just end this? The hell else do you need for closure?

I... I think I just need to let go. That wasn't me, it's in the past, let it go...

Accept that it actually happened though. Your mind keeps taking a magnet to the tape and literally wiping things off the map. Your memory is absolutely wrecked at this point because you keep deleting huge segments of it, because of this.

I want to delete this.

...Kid, if you're going to do that then at least accept that yeah, something bad happened, and DON'T freakin' forget the aftereffects. Keep the lessons, let go of the pain. Don't identify with any of it, because that's just as bad as identifying with what caused this mess in the first place.

...

That wasn't you, you're right. But this isn't you either. It's closer, much closer, but you're still closed off and aching and I know you don't want to be.

I don't.

Then why the hell won't you let go?

It feels wrong, to just let go, when I was responsible for something so horrible.

You're also responsible for some seriously beautiful things, you know. Just look at this kid over here.

Hi dad.

The... yeah, that is... but the fact that she's even here is... painfully beautiful. I told you, these scars--

You couldn't lose her. You couldn't lose me. It doesn't work that way.

How do we know? I could have-- I bled, Chaos, I bled and died and other people paid for it and these horrible graves, one of them could have been hers , and I never would have known it, that is the most painful thing in the world...

But they aren't hers. And she'll never have one. Not there, not ever.

...

I won't dad, I promise.

God, it just hurts. I love you both, heck I love all three of you, more than I can take, and that's why this hurts so much.

Because you don't feel you have the right to love us like you do.

I don't.

Yes you do. Go look at that picture Dare drew for you. That's still there. It'll always be there. What you two have can't ever be damaged by this or any other disaster, no matter what. You're impervious and you know it.

But why?

Why? I'll tell you why. Because that's love. That's love, honest and true, and when you take that and hold it up against the tar it can't lose by virtue of it's own existence. So do that. Recognize the fact that you CANNOT lose this, ever, and you have every damned right in the universe to feel it. It's your natural state, boy, on more levels than you realize. Not this garbage. This pain, this regret, it's only blinding you. It's a distraction, it's pollution, it's a stone-cold wall. Break it down. Or, even better, walk through it. You know what I mean.

...Can I?

You walked through mine. No one else has ever been able to do that before. That's some serious business, kid.

What walls do you have up Laurie? Jewel talks about them all the time.

Emotional ones. Far too many of 'em. No one gets in, nothing gets out sometimes. I lost a couple of 'em today. Saw that knife and I freakin' lost it. See kid, sometimes I just don't give a damn about being tough. Sometimes I care too damn much. Sometimes the love I've got for this kid trumps everything else, and that's the lesson he should be taking home today, there you go, that's your assignment for the rest of your life. Forget about the catastrophe from class today, you know what counts when that's all said and done.

I do.

And there's some more irony. I'd say you're feeling a little blue right now.

...

I think we need some keys.

He's got a couple. Go over there and ask him for a few.

...I don't know why I keep holding back on this.

It's fear, kid. Part of it is fear that you'll hurt him from the self-hate you're still feeling, and yes I know that's lingering because today was seriously rough. But the other part of it is fear that you'll feel what you do for him and realize that your self-hate is baseless, that you have no bloody reason to feel so negative about yourself, and that scares you because you're not all the way here yet, are you.

No he's not.

Damn, how can you tell from all the way over there?

In here. Our heartlights changed, remember.

What, do they work like a transmitter or what?

Empathy link. We've always had one, just of an entirely different kind. Now, well...

Now we feel everything, I guess.

See, this is progress. Keep talking.

I don't think talking will help. I'm still holding back. I've got too many walls up myself. I need to just... get up, walk over there, and leave the walls behind. It won't happen unless I do something about it.

Good, you're learning. Then do it.

Wait, wait. I want to close up and then do that. First, I want to talk to you.

Me?

Yes, you. I don't know why. I think maybe it ties into the 1st. I can't stop thinking about it.

Why?

You felt like a black hole. Like... I got near you and space itself just compressed. It was just me and you, that was it. The universe shrunk until it was just us. It felt so strange, kind of scary, but overwhelming. You were a magnet and I couldn't keep away from you and I didn't even think I could feel something like that.

Yeah, I didn't either, that's why I kept pushing you away.

But why?

Lighten the heck up before I tell you that. You're still too stoic for your own good. Xennie, get over there.

Why?

Because he loves you a hell of a lot and he can't stay closed up around you, ever.

I can't.

Why only her?

Because... she's my daughter. Our daughter. She's so innocent, so amazing. I know why she's here, what brought her here... she reminds me of everything I won't dare accept about myself, at least not now. She is the hope in my life, and I don't ever want to hurt her, and I can't even consider being false to her. So...

Why the hell can't you feel like that for the rest of us?

...I do. I just... stay away, like this, when I'm this low.

Xennie, get over there.

'Kay Laurie.

...

Dad, Laurie says you need to open up and stop being sad.

I know.

Then why aren't you doing it? Smile like you did before! Please?

Heh, fine. I just... I still hurt, love.

I know dad. But it won't hurt forever, okay?

...

The kid's right as usual.

I know. So dad, please, don't be so hurt. You're going to be okay, even you said so.

I know...

So open up please? Talk to dad and Laurie and me.

Tomorrow's a new day and all that jazz.

Yeah!! Tomorrow's different! You don't have to be sad. Tomorrow you'll wake up, and, and you'll be different. You'll remember things you're forgetting right now. Maybe.

We've gotta do this work-through tonight, though.

I know, I'm just reminding him that things change!

Death and rebirth.

Huh?

Maybe that's what I should get out of this, somehow. Maybe.

What, that you had to die again to start this thing over?

Well hey, you know what yesterday was, and what happened almost a year ago next Friday.

True.

In any case you're both right.

See kid, I told you this would work.

Hee! I'm glad it did. I love you dad.

I love you too, Xenophon. And honestly, I feel kind of... ridiculous right now, to say the least.

Why?

I keep blinding myself to that. Almost on purpose. Why?

Because when you're blind, how the hell are you supposed to see anything?

I'm just keeping my eyes shut, though. I'm not really blind.

So you need someone else to open them for you.

That, or I just need to remember, deep inside somewhere, who will always be there waiting for me when I finally open them.

Exactly.

That's you guys. And Genesis, of course.

He did want to be part of this conversation, you know. Then stuff happened.

We'll talk about the 1st some other day. Maybe Friday, maybe Thursday, who knows. But that needs its own discussion date.

Yeah, this one was kind of an emergency.

It was. Chaos?

Yeah?

Sorry for being an idiot. And sorry for recovering so fast because I was too blinded to stop listening to my ego earlier. What a mixup that was.

Heh, it's okay. As long as you come back and stay back.

Is he back yet dad?

Not quite.

...

Well I daresay I know what will fix that. Unavoidable honesty.

...

Dad?

She's right. I just... I might lie to myself, but I can't lie to other people, not when they're who I'm focusing on.

This year is about you, though. You need to fix your own damage. You're still a bit of a mess, despite what we said earlier.

I know what you mean, yeah. I will work on it.

Present tense.

I am working on it... good point.


So? We going to close this up?

Just about. I... it would feel kind of wrong to close up without at least talking to Chaos in here.

Stop with the 'feeling wrong' label, please. At least not in such a general sense.

What do you mean?

I know some things are supposed to feel wrong, so to speak. Some things are just not right for you. But you are judging almost everything you do as 'wrong' according to some seriously motley criteria most days. That's what needs to stop.

Oh. Yeah, it does. But I meant it would... feel dishonest.

Better. Then do something about it.

Um...

Jewel?

...Yeah?

Sorry.

For what?

For... well, for being as closed off as you were, ironically. I could have helped move this conversation along but I was kind of blinded by my own pain, too.

I... it's okay.

You were saying?

...I contributed to that, though. Probably more than anything.

No, not in the way you think. Yeah I pick up emotions regardless. But we have a bit of a stronger link here, to say the least. That's no ordinary link. That's a connection.

Nice one.

Well excuse me, it's the truth!

Haha.

At least we're laughing now!

Sure are. Man these conversations are such roller coasters.

What's that?

It's... geez, Jewel, you need to teach your kid this stuff.

I will!

No hurry dad, we've gotta do other things tonight, okay?

Like what?

Like you and dad fixing things or whatever you have to do.

She has a point.

I do!

Excuse me.

What?

Back to those words again. Go re-read that poem Mel wrote about the two of you, right now.

...Why?

It'll remind you of exactly what can't be damaged by today. It'll remind you that you're above that distortion, in a transcendental way, not a selfish way. All right?

...

You stand not in need of fulfillment nor explanation.

She mentioned dangerous desire, is that...?

No, that's not your merge drive at all. Not at its heart. You're letting it get out of hand, though. Be careful.

Jewel, I told you, I understand that.

I keep slipping though. That can't be happening. I'm getting too desperate.

Stay in the moment kid, watch all those problems just fade away.

And all things were yours, forever.

...

Was that a pun, Chaos?

You know what? In light of the 4th, it definitely is.

Heh.

...I really just need to stop holding myself back.

Don't jump in blindly though, for the sake of jumping in. Remember what I said, what Mel said. You don't have to prove anything. This is for its own sake.

It really is.

Yeah, no kidding, so stop worrying about it. You can't get it wrong, that's impossible.

...Laurie?

'Sup?

...Can you give me another chance? One day, when I fix all this about myself? When I stop being so obtrusive and... stop forgetting who I am?

...Sure, kid. I'll give it another shot.

...I just don't want my motives to be mixed up.

What do you mean?

I love you. I really do. But... on the 1st, I got so desperate, just like I was on the 14th, and... I could never forgive myself if I hurt you.

See, there's another thing we have to fix, and remember what I said about us hurting each other. It can't happen.

I still don't want to... to get close to that possibility, even. I got too close and you freaked out and--

Because there's still stuff I need to fix about myself too, all right? That was my equivalent of what you're doing today. That was me closing everything out, rejecting it, because I didn't deserve that light and I didn't feel it was mine to have, ever. Isn't that what you're going through?

...Yeah.

And yet you know it's wrong.

...

Well so do I. So we'll work on that together. Hell, who knows, maybe one day I'll catch up to you, blue guy.

No way.

Haha, who knows, with Cupid here calling the shots? I just roll with whatever he throws at me at this point.

I threw out all my lead arrows by the way.

Yeah, and now you've got a sword. Stop getting so hung up on names, boy. They're guidelines for missions. You know who you are.

...I do.

Don't forget it. That's, I think, what we've been trying to get at this whole time, in a way.

Maybe it is.

Die to this ego-turmoil and come back to life, kid. Speaking of, Xenophon, are you still awake?

Barely. I am reeeally tired. But I wanna stay up and help dad.

Believe me, kid, I think you've helped him more than you know already. Get some sleep.

Really, Xennie, you have. Thank you so much.

You're welcome dad. Chaos?

Yeah?

I love you too. Thank you for letting me be here.

...

G'night, I'm gonna get some sleep if you're all okay now.

Yeah, I think we're good now. Thanks kid.

No problem Laurie! I'll see everybody in the morning!

...

Cute kid. No surprise, considering you two.

Everyone calls me adorable.

Well you are.

I can vouch for that.

Come on, guys.

Hey, you're at least smiling! See, this is what we really need to do at this hour, not what we just finished discussing.

I honestly feel sick from that, no kidding. I am physically ill from it.

From the actual experience, all the hell you went through afterwards, or both?

Both. But the blood and tears really shook me up, I'll emphasize that.

No kidding.

...Chaos, I love you, have I told you that lately?

Not in words, no.

You told him last night, I heard you.

That's not 'lately' for him, Laurie. Lately is within the past few hours.

Ah.

Well it's true. Even in all that pain I went through, it... it was there, clear as day. I think I already mentioned that.

You did.

It tore me apart, to have that existing in spite of what I was dealing with. It hurt too much, to have all that love and all that pain blinding me to it.

No kidding, when you're caught up in that pain you unconsciously reject anything that will stop it.

That's scary, isn't it?

Damn right it is. Don't let that happen again.

I really, really will try. Today was honestly horrifying.

You know what was horrifying to me? How much you were swearing. 2008 all over again.

I know. That's what turned my reaction from scalding rage to sobbing like an idiot. I thought of you, and that just...

Too much, huh.

Far too much.

I still can't believe you get that from me.

Well I do. I can't deny that.

Hey, look over there though. That's more important than this right now.

Laurie, it's not a matter of importance.

Just like it's not a matter of deserving?

Exactly. Love is love. There are no priorities beyond that. I love you, and I love Chaos, and that's that.

...Still. You two need to be together right now.

We do. Just... remember how much you mean to me too.

Believe me, I can't forget. Just promise me one thing.

What?

Don't forget how much you mean to me either.

...I won't.

Good, you got what I meant.

Of course I did.

Chaos, is he back with us?

Just about.

Just about? The heck is holding him back?

He's got walls up.

I want them down, I really do...

Then take the damn things down, you can do that!

Can we close this up first? I can't exactly channel and type once they're down, not with you two around.

Kid's got a point!

He does.

Just... let me say one last thing.

What?

From... from Mel's poem. The last six lines. This... reminds me of that, a lot.

Does it really.

Yeah.

...

What?

Never thought I'd be included in that.

Laurie, really, you shouldn't be so surprised.

But I am. I mean, for heaven's sake, Chaos, did you feel what he had going on January 1st?

The fire?

Yeah. That.

Not as much as you did, or so I hear.

...Because that still surprises me.

Good.

Huh?

That's good. It still surprises me too.

The man's got a point...

That needs to be an injoke now, it's official.

Consider it done!

But really, he does.

I know. Innocence, huh?

I suppose. He just... never loses fascination, ever.

And that's not even the hope thing. I'm not expecting anything but love after all. And that's... kind of a given. It's there whether I expect it or not.

You just realize that every damn time, don't you.

Everything is new, every moment, I would say, my eyes shining...

Catharsis, huh?

Absolutely.

I think you need some of that right now, seriously.

I do too.

Then go get it.

Laurie?

What?

Thank you. Thank you for being there when I couldn't be, and for always caring like you do.

Come on, I couldn't not do that.

Exactly. Thank you .

Heh, sure. Same to you.

I will close this up by thanking both of you infinitely and leaving it at that.

Oh hey, about the infinity thing.

What?

Don't forget that either. It's in the song, it's in the mythology, it's in those bright-eyed moments of yours. It's everything and nothing at all, isn't that how you put it?

That is a pun, you know.

Course I do. But it's true.

It is.

Oh darling, if I'm ever blue...

How true is that, seriously.

I don't ever want that to slip my mind, ever again. I want to always remember, in every moment, that I know you. That I know both of you, really. That I know this , what this feels like.

Emphasis on this?

Hidden meaning in this.

Was that a pun too?

Enough of the puns, you two get back to business and I'm out of here.

Hey, I love you too though.

I know. Same to you. Now I'm off to make sure your kid is actually asleep and not talking to Genesis if he's still awake from this whole fiasco.

She does that?

She does a lot of things. Either way I'll check on her. See you in the morning.

Oh, wait, one last thing.

What?

I just want to thank you again for showing up in my dream when you said you would, for protecting me. I can't even begin to express how much that meant to me, and how much it means to me now.

...Heh. You're always thanking me for something.

You deserve it.

And what did we just say about that?

Laurie, come on.

Fine. But listen. Even if it's not about deserving thanks, it's the least I can do in return for having you in my life.

...

See you in the morning. Have a good night, you two.

We will.

...She gets me, bad, right here.

Does she really?

Really. You're still worse, which is even more shocking to feel now that I have that to compare it to. Not in a bad way though.

I know what you mean.

It's just... a different sort? Same level, different aspects.

I know.

You know me pretty darn well, I'd say.

I do!

On that note...

Living up to yesterday, huh?

We should. I know we tried to do something last night but... I was exhausted, albeit euphoric.

Tonight at least has the exhausted part still in it..

...Yeah. But maybe this will help me appreciate my blessings more? I don't know. I'm just trying to shine light on it.

I can think of an easy way to do that.

How, pray tell?

Get the brightest thing we know into this situation.

And that is?

Take a guess.

I know, love, I'm just messing with you.

Or are you still doubting that somehow?

...Part of me is. I'm still... laughably unsure, although I know this can't be damaged. I... I can be, though.

But can you be healed by this? Even after today?

...Probably.

I'd say it's worth a shot.

...How are you more stable than I am after what happened earlier?

I'm... used to emotional roller coasters, to say the least. But I also don't have as much self-doubt as you do in this situation.

Good. It's hellish.

Jewel, I don't want you to have it either.

Same here... I wish I could just drop it.

Can't you?

Maybe not, because I have tried. I keep dropping it too fast though, and hurting myself in the process.

We'll take it slow, then.

Yeah, I guess that's all we can do. But, uh, about that...?

What-- oh. Oh, I see the iTunes blackmail has started again.

It has. Tell me, what do I have permanently associated with this song?

January 7th.

Exactly. And the 8th, thanks to Mel and Q.

I can't believe they contributed so much to that. Really, wow .

Tell me about it. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around that.

Don't. Your mind isn't ever going to understand that as well as your heart already does.

...True.

So?

So... about that?

Yeah. About that, and this song, and that picture, and everything that goes with it.

...You know, there's a quote about this. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?"

You're a searchlight, Jewel. Don't ever forget that either.

...

Remember what Laurie said about our Metainomenai?

Yeah.

Love is pretty damn powerful. You don't give yourself enough credit.

...I guess I don't.

You're not inadequate. And you're amazingly bright. That's nothing to be scared of.

...Did you know Laurie made me wear all white today?

Did she? Why?

To remind me that I'm... brighter than I realize, or remember on my own.

You are.

I hope it snows tomorrow.

I do too.

Chaos?

Hm?

I love you.

And there you are.

What, the eyes?

Yeah. No more walls, huh?

Can't. I just can't keeps walls up around you, ever.

That's what the 'inseparable' part means, love.

Haha, no kidding. But really, I do.

I know.

...

Can we close this up?

And?

Not have to worry about having two channels open while you look at me like that.

Oh. Yeah, that's a good idea.

One... one last thing though.

Hm?

Are you... really okay now? In light of what happened to you today?

For now, I am. For now that's in the past, it's over, it's dealt with. For now I want to remember that I'm in love, that we're in love, and that nothing will ever damage that, not even what I suffered today. I can deal with the lessons I learned tomorrow. For now...

For now you just need to remember what's beyond that.

Yeah. And I promise I won't get desperate.

...Do you really get that desperate?

I do. I... I really just want to give you everything . And not in a general sense. It's the... it's where I would honestly cut my heart out for your sake if that would accomplish this. It's wanting to give you everything that I am , because as far as I'm concerned, at heart I'm only love, and I just... I want to give that to you.

Maybe that's what you need to remember the most.

What?

That at heart you're only love.

Am I?

Take a guess, Eros.

Looks who's talking, Chaos.

And my name doesn't even change, awesome.

It doesn't!

So... are we closing this up?

Yeah. It's late, and I miss you, and I... actually do feel stable at the moment. Which is good.

It is.

One last thing.

Hm?

...That picture Dare drew me? It's titled, "Under the Stars."

And?

Well, besides the obvious because we're usually out under stars together, it... actually made me think of that one line from JTHM. "Over the stars." You know... I want out of this pain, I need this to end, I'm going over the stars to escape it all. There was a time in my life where I felt that was my only option. Oblivion. Kind of like October 29th.

But...

But we're under them. We're still here, alive, and that's beautiful too. And tell me, Chaos, what is it that kept me alive on the 29th? When I wanted to fly over the stars, what made me realize that I could do that and more, here below them, without ever losing hope? What helped me to hold on, let go, and open my eyes?

What saved both our lives?

Yeah. What carried us through the darkest times? What was the stars when it was pitch black all around us?

...

I love you. I always have. Even when I fall so far down that I feel I've lost every last fragment of grace left in me, I can't forget you. I can't forget this.

Don't. Don't ever forget this.

I won't. Cross my heart.

I love you too, Jewel, I really do.

You always end up assuring me...

Because that wonder of yours goes both ways. Be careful, please.

I will be. It's a losing battle, in our favor.

How so?

January 16th, July 7th, December 23rd, January 1st. There are some moments that destroy doubt and fear so completely that you're never the same afterwards. No matter what, I know what I've seen and heard and felt. I will never forget that. When I saw your eyes on the 23rd... I just...

...

Things like that make it impossible for me to forget, Chaos. No matter what my mythological role is, it wasn't until you entered my life that everything else came to be.

Chaos and Love, huh.

Absolutely. But of course, we know that those terms aren't mutually exclusive either.

And that's where the 'cosmically' comes in.

It does. Same with 'divine complement,' now that I think about it...

So that's why I liked that term so much!

Probably, love. But, uh, it really is getting late and I still miss you, so...

You miss me? How?

Um... on other levels. It's that drive of mine again.

Oh. Well, honestly, I'd like to see how that plays out.

The drive?

Yeah. In light of what we've discussed here. I say go with it.

All right, but we have to close up first...

I will never fail to be amused by how terrible we are at ending things.

It needs to end before it can begin again, geez!

Haha, exactly.

Speaking of beginnings... it is technically tomorrow.

Let's get started, then.

My sentiments exactly.