water in my blood

 

 

...Today has been the strangest day of my life, I think, and it's only noon.
I was supposed to start a Xanga session when I woke up at 8, but... something very major happened.
Laurie is telling me its okay, but... I don't know. I'm sorry, I can't discuss this here.
I need to calm down, badly, and I just found a gold mine of survey things. So excuse me while I try to clear my head.

 

 

 

@ 01:08 pm

 

 

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't.

 

 

It's supposed to be positive, is what they said. "It's a holy thing!"
Then how in God's name is it so easily corrupted?
Why is it only holy under certain circumstances?
Is it even 'holy' at all?

Was it right, to only take the religious aspect, and ignore the darker sides?
Was it right to try and purify something deeply darkened, if only for the sake of preventing it from being further ruined?

It's not like I had to prove anything. I don't.
If we were looking to prove something, we wouldn't have done this.
But...

I tried to purge the fear from my heart.
I knew it could easily mutate into all-out hatred. I don't want that.
So I got rid of it all.
I tried to see things differently. I tried to see the good in it all.
I opened my heart and I gave everyone, everything a second thousandth chance...

Did I kill myself in the process?
Did I do something with the purest intentions, that might ultimately damn me?

Which is right, the religion I was taught, the religion I am told, or what I personally believe?
They all tell me different things.

I am so afraid that I've lost my innocence forever.


I think my deepest fear is that I gave in to the wager.
"They believe it's right." "They say this is a gift from God himself!"
I spent years wondering how that could be possible, when I had experienced the exact opposite.
My life had been torn apart, blackened, forever damaged by this supposedly godly thing.
To me, it was hell on earth. I could see it no other way.
But the priests and the prophets defined it differently.
And I was too scared to be vehemently opposed to that.

But was I right after all?

Am I still being deceived by these selfish shadows?

Or am I really not meant for this world?


I need to discuss this with Laurie again, right now.
I am really scared that maybe I've done something I should never have done.

She says its okay. But I don't understand yet.
I am so scared. I know how I've reacted to this before.
I thought I could redeem it somehow.
I thought that, even if it was an evil thing, that I could change it.
Did the opposite thing happen?
Did it darken me? Did I make a huge mistake?
Did I destroy the most divine thing I've ever had?


I was only trying to do the right thing.

 

0629

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

 

 

 

CHAOS LAURIE




Laurie. What the HELL are you doing.

Oh for the love of-- Chaos, where the hell is Jewel? Do NOT leave him alone right now!!

Look who's talking. He's closed off right now, by the way. No thanks to you. Get the hell back on Xanga.

Man.
Listen, I'm trying to talk to Mel about this... this morning. They are seriously trying to help, all right?
I'm getting a lot of insight that is REALLY helping me deal with this so don't yell at me.

Dear LIGHT, Laurie!! Yeah, I understand you're trying to help, but... this is serious. I can't think straight, I can't talk straight.
Please. Just... tell Mel to wait. Get back over here.

...All right, fine.
I'm torn up about this too, you know.
We're all in this together.

I know. I know.
I am just... I am so unbearably hurt right now.
Not because of Jewel.
Because of what that bitch made him feel about this. That's what.

I know.
I just sent Mel this conversation. You're welcome.
Shoot, sorry. I'm in your window.

And now I'm in yours.
All right, sorry. Geez.

That's more like it.

Listen, Laurie. I said I was having a hard time. I am.
...Damn it.
I am out of here.