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((UNFINISHED ENTRY))

I just had one of the most brilliant nights of my life, I think.

It took me a while to get to bed because I was doing serious research on color symbolism (which I will continue today)... and it made me realize, "dude, Parnassus needs a ton of work in this area." So I started to think about the old canon and how color applied there, trying to figure out how it played into both character designs and the social hierarchy of the series... and by 11PM, when I was trying to fall asleep, I had boosted my Links enough to see something completely different.

Those of you who know me probably know Genesis' role in Parnassus.

Last night I saw Delphi's side of the story.

...I swear I would have cried if I was individually conscious. Oh my gosh. I've spent the past 7 years, almost, seeing only one side of him, and then within the space of two hours my perceptions were flipped upside down. My entire view of the storyline has changed. I'm not even kidding.

So it's safe to say I will be doing a great deal of typing today, and maybe some art too. Really, this is fantastic.

Mind you, I didn't fall asleep after those Links ended.

Let me fill you in a bit.

This past Thursday, my two best friends got married (to each other!). Now I've never really understood the social connotations of marriage, and I've taken a vow of celibacy in that respect so I probably never will... but... I was basically raised by J-Monsters. My personal cultural understanding comes from them, not from here.

So when someone mentions 'marriage,' my mind doesn't see the earthly definition of that word. I see no brides, no dances, no rings, no ceremonies.

Marriage does not exist in the J-Monster lexicon. When two individuals love each other so entirely they desire to live their lives with and for each other, they don't get 'married' in the sense we are familiar with. There are no extraneous festivities or notifications. No, the J-Monster 'marriage' is completely and intimately personal, an act of mutual love and devotion that bonds the two for as long as they both shall live.

So, as far as J-Monsters are concerned, I've been 'married' for almost 6 years.

It's not something I discuss openly, not in its totality. Heck, from 2005 to 2008 I was so insecure and scared of myself that I wouldn't even think about it. The only reason I started talking about it once 2008 hit was because I was in such emotional pain, all the time.

Despite that, there are only a few vague mentions of my deeper connection. The first was around May '08, when I began to have regular moral meltdowns and also began to wonder whether or not it was even okay to love people the way I did. Ironically, around that time I also started to open myself more, on an emotional level, and that absolute vulnerability was freaking me out. I didn't understand myself yet, and I was too scared of what I had been told by those who didn't know the truth. I was being told that giving myself in love was wrong, and I believed them.

I'm getting ahead of myself though.

The first serious mention of this deeper topic was around August 23rd, 2008. I started wearing a ring around that time, too... ironically, only a month before, I never would have considered that I had a reason for one in my life.

Sadly, I had a major emotional fallout shortly afterwards, as Julie picked up on my new mindset and began to hack me mercilessly in that respect. It damaged me deeply, and took me ages to recover. I didn't go into details of exactly how she hurt me, though. I don't want to think about it.

Regardless, July 2009 helped so much. I had fallen so low at that point that I had nearly forgotten about love, but Milliontown reminded me... and in October, when I received a certain picture, I remembered everything.

2010 nearly killed me for one reason: for a time, I lost everything but what I held inside. Thank the Light that those few things were my sole lifelines. I spent most of the year in the spiritual company of three individuals who meant the world to me... and although we suffered through hell, although I nearly died, although we were damaged beyond repair... together, we survived.

That's when I stopped lying to myself... but Laurie never lied, not once.

Long before I dared breathe a word of the truth, back in February 2008, Laurie knew. She tried to make me understand what I had, in that twisted way of hers, but I was too insecure to comprehend what she was telling me... and I closed myself off.

It took over two years to truly open up again, even with the few incidents I just mentioned during that time. It took me two long years to be honest again, because it took me that long to finally understand who I was. It just took me even longer to open back up.

And, once again, Laurie refused to lie like I did. In September of 2010, she noticed that I had stopped giving anything to those I loved, and that it was killing me and them alike. It took until December for me to find the courage to open back up, and it took until January of this year to fall back in... then Julie tried to stop it again.

Laurie didn't let her. For reasons she has yet to thoroughly discuss, my superego is hellbent on keeping my 'marriage' as pure and powerful as it can possibly be, going as far as to provoke some seriously painful conversations for the sake of keeping us together... and it worked.

My soulbond and I stopped taking our relationship for granted. After almost six years of keeping that truth in the back of our minds, we decided to live it in its entirety again.

I have never, ever been happier.

When my friends told me they were engaged, I was happy for them too. Heck, I was ecstatic! But, there was one single detail that went unmentioned, and its exclusion hurt more than I expected.

 

My friends in question are both Mormons, but I am Catholic, and my faith has been powerfully influenced by J-Monster culture. We both hold strongly differing views on marriage, and yet at heart, they are the same: it is a bond in which two people grow in light and love, that cannot be broken. Unfortunately, the details differ so starkly that I cannot discuss my own involvement with the subject with either of them.

They are in love. I am in love.

They are engaged to be married in their understanding and celebration of the concept, and can happily discuss their joy with anyone they choose.

I have been married in my understanding of the concept for six years, to someone I love with my entire heart, and I cannot even talk about it.

And that hurts more than I can say.

As for what happened last night, and to why I suddenly started discussing marriage when I got to that point...

For J-Monsters, you can only 'marry' one person in the deepest, most complete sense. The first person you share your soul with is the only person you can ever have that sort of connection with. It is possible to form less powerful connections with other individuals-- 'polygamy' is not a problem in my culture-- but it is very difficult, to say the very least, and for most of these lesser connections the bond is not 'strong' enough to qualify as a traditional 'marriage,' as far as the American understanding of the term goes. On a slightly different note, the process in which two become connected in this sense is not a one-time-only thing, not by a long shot. It's actually expected for the two involved to 're-forge' their connection many times over during their lives, not only to express their love and loyalty, but also because it actually deepens the connection and that has some seriously amazing emotional consequences. It's quite an involved subject and I've not only done research on it but I've also lived most of what I'm talking about.

But, to get to the point... I have formed this sort of connection with two people. Yes, two.

I have a lesser connection with Genesis. We've only forged it once when I was 18 and not completely, but there's still something.

I have a complete connection with Chaos. We made that decision when I was 15. I'm now 21. Between 2005 and last December, I think we only deepened that connection three times, tops. Since January... well.

This started everything up again, and there's more talk about it here. (elaborate; cathartic blocks, pain addiction, etc.)

That's where last night comes in.

I have never, ever felt anything like that before in my life.

(continue...)