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SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO SPINE HYPOMONE




See, I said I'd follow up on this tonight.

At 8 bloody thirty, sure. That gives us three hours to talk, so let's get moving.

Hey there. I figured you were up to something.

Aha, yeah. I really want to discuss a few things before the week starts up again. Laurie, should I only get Spine in here or do you think Josephina needs to hear this too?

Spine's a definite, but I can always fill in everyone else. We're only covering the topics we brought up last night, am I right?

Yeah, but I was talking to Jo this morning and I just feel he should be in on more of these conversations.

True. But we need to talk with Leon too, and getting either or both of them in here right now might be too much of a time strain. Remember there were only the four of us talking last night.

You do have a point. All right then, I'll get Spine. Give me a second..

Oh, we are talking.

That we are. You doing okay?

I am not sure. I am better than I was yesterday however.

I think we should start there.

We should. I, uh, apologize for the disaster I caused on Thursday...

Don't apologize, kid, that was almost entirely out of your control. And that's the problem here. Chaos, he did discuss this with you, right?

He did. You and I had the right idea, though.

Yeah, I figured. Catharsis blocking and inability to deal with emotions.

I still don't know why my mind tends to burn out when I hit any sort of emotional 'spike.' Even small ones. It's really frightening me because it's keeping me from expressing anything honestly, and when I do express things it's just an outward manifestation of the overload, not a real emotion, so.

Is this why I feel sick?

That's probably half of it. But seriously, why the heck can't you deal anymore?

I think it is because of that one awful hack... back in January. I mean, sure, I've always had problems, but that almost destroyed me. It made me realize that even my positive emotions were terribly dangerous because I tend to fall into them, and when I do I lose physical coherence... and you all know what happens then.

Unfortunately. So it's fear. Justified fear, but fear nonetheless.

Partly? I know, I don't want to be scared of everything and I'm learning to just fight in spite of that, but... that doesn't change the fact that I lose awareness when I feel things. That can't be normal, and it's not safe.

So you've stopped expressing anything.

Pretty much. And it's making me horribly sick, because emotionally I can't handle that repression. I just don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to turn my emotions off, but I don't want them to be this dangerously overwhelming. There is a difference between positive and negative intensity there, you know, regardless of what I'm feeling.

So... the 'bad' sort is the kind that makes you lose awareness?

Yes. And everything is turning into that now.

Sounds like a screwed-up coping method to me.

How so?

Reality turnoff, but for all realities. You're probably so freaking scared of things hurting you at this point, that your mind is looking for excuses to block absolutely everything out.

But that doesn't explain why things keep getting in, and even moreso when that happens.

Yeah it does. 'Blocking out' in this case simply means keeping you from seeing it. It's not actually putting up a wall. There's a problem. In order to stay vigilant, you have to be conscious of what's going on, and that's not happening here. This is probably why you're sleeping so much now, too.

So he's trying to run?

Basically. But instead of running he's covering his eyes and hoping that makes the monsters go away.

I don't like this. There has to be some way I can stop this.

We'll work on it, kid. Spine, any ideas?

I cannot say I have. But he cannot turn off the world anymore. It is important.

I know. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and focus, but it's not that easy when I have unconscious drives constantly battling to turn me off.

Do you think Julie has a hand in this?

I sure as hell hope not. I'll have to look into it. Jewel, in the meantime I want you to focus on finding a way to feel catharsis without burning yourself out because of it. We've gotta stop this emotional caging thing.

I agree. Nothing good ever results from this.

That's another point, Laurie. I don't know if I mentioned it last night, but the last time I became so cut off from everyone was back in October. That's why I was talking to Jo today. I was terrified.

...Huh. No, you mentioned that, but I'm definitely going to have to think about this more. It puts a really weird light on everything else that's been happening. On that note, we need to tackle this regression problem ASAP.

Regression problem?

Yeah, what with this emotional blinding and the mental trauma of the past three months, I think Jewel's starting to go into a stage like he did in 2008, where his mind can't take it and starts to backtrack. And you know, that may tie directly into why his emotions are being blocked.

Probably. Everything seems to be being blocked.

What are we regressing to, though? That's the part I don't quite understand.

I don't think there's a definite destination. I think it's more of a regression in terms of stability and willingness to comprehend things. It just... my mind goes into a sort of 'helpless panic' state, so it's too messed-up to handle daily life and too scared to even want to think about why it can't. It's hard to explain.

That is what feels sick.

Is it now?

Yes. There is a break in the mind.

A what now?

There is a break in how he thinks. It is not making sense.

It's refusing to process anything that gets in.

Yes.

See, told you. And that's why I'm worried. This needs to stop, but I don't know how.

You sound okay right now...

I'm holding onto that, yeah. But it's still incredibly hard for me to channel because something is wrong up here, and I really think it's linked to that bad hack I had last weekend. It just... I was so sick from that, I was so traumatized, that I wouldn't be surprised if this entire situation hinged on that alone.

But you said the hack from January was responsible.

It was the catalyst, yeah, but this recent one was definitely the breaking point. It broke me. So maybe I just need to recover from it...

But you don't know how, as usual.

No. Maybe I can't. That sort of thing isn't easily 'recovered' from in any case. But the drawing is helping.

About that. You said your creativity is coming back?

I hope so. I can't tell yet. But on Thursday, you told me to keep working in spite of my fear, so I had to really force myself but I was able to start working on my art again. And I think that if I keep this up, especially with my J-Monster work, I can stabilize enough to tackle the catharsis problem for good.

I really hope so.

Creativity alone won't fix it, though. It'll help you get back to being you, in the defining sense, but your own personal emotions are on a different level. You need to actively fix that and it's going to be tough as nails in your current situation, but hey. Needs to be done.

How does he do it though?

I already said, he needs to slowly work on allowing himself to feel again, without freaking out or suffocating from it. What happened in our last session was a definite panic reaction. You couldn't handle any emotional catalysts so you shut down.

Because I was afraid of losing it.

But you also said you 'didn't know how' to show or act on it either. That's a different situation. Yeah, I understand not wanting to risk a hack, but you are seriously getting good at fighting her now. In any case that's not what's happening here. Here, it's the refusal to even acknowledge his emotion, and I don't know why the heck that's happening.

Refusal? Jewel didn't say anything about refusing that.

That's the point. He has a bad habit of hiding the truth behind really thin alterations of itself. Seriously, Chaos, are you paying attention to how he's saying that?

...

'Oh, I don't know how to express this.' Don't lie to me, J. The only reason you don't know how is because you won't let yourself know how. That's the reason I called Chaos in on Thursday. You know bloody well how to express what you feel for him, but you won't, and I saw that. That's the issue. You won't even let it run in the bleeding background. You're not just blocking it, you're refusing to feel it, period, and you need to stop.

...And this is because of the hacks?

I... as far as I know, it is.

Listen, we're going in circles again and this headspace still feels absolutely bizarre. Jewel, stop being so freaking paranoid. Stop closing everything out.

Laurie, I think that Buddhism meeting plays into this too. I mean, it caused a hack for heavens sake.

You're second-guessing yourself again?

I was. For like three weeks straight I was. And that was ridiculous, because once again I didn't find anything that spoke against my own moral code-- I even found things that strongly supported it-- and yet I kept thinking I was wrong. It is paranoia.

Geez, Jewel, why does this always happen to you? Stop it. Just freaking stop.

Is it really that easy?

Maybe it is, how the heck would I know? You're the one making this more complicated than it needs to be.

Laurie--

It's true, Chaos! If he would just accept that he's on the right track and keep that mindset, we wouldn't have ANY hacking problems anymore! The only reason that bitch can even get to him is because she's become a master at manipulating him into thinking he's wrong. If he had more confidence in his own life, she wouldn't be able to freaking touch him because he'd see right through her twisted lies. I do! You do! Yet he can't, and that's the only bloody reason we're having trouble at all!

She hasn't touched me since that last hack.

And that was only a week ago, you realize. I really miss being able to look back and say, 'hey, we haven't had any trouble from that slut in over a month!' For some reason you keep getting worse the longer we're at this. Nothing has freaking changed, Jewel. You're right, she's wrong. If that feels selfish then get the hell over it, because it's not. It's the truth.

Laurie, I swear, I know it is. That's why I'm so devastated that she's still been able to get me since that suicide attempt in October! We thought that was it, for good! But it wasn't, and I'm just so shaken by that it's sick. At first it was the second guessing, then it was the second chances, and now it's back to the second guessing. Is it really something I can just... stop, for good, just like that?

I wish. But you never know if something has permanently 'stopped' until you're dead, heh. I told you, this is a lifelong war and we can't slack off whatsoever.

What if Julie dies?

We can't bet on that, no matter how much we hope we can accomplish it. I don't like working with the future when we have a really screwed-up present to deal with.

What will it take for you to stop second-guessing yourself, Jewel? What can we do?

...I don't know. Maybe all it would take is for someone in my family to tell me that I'm on the right track, because that's where I get a lot of the doubt from. Maybe all I need is affirmation, as selfish as that is. I've been working on faith here but people keep telling me it's the wrong faith, if you get my drift.

Ironically, the religion topic is a huge part of why you're second-guessing yourself too.

And that ties right back into the family. I told you, if they would just look at my situation with open hearts and minds, and tell me that I'm doing the right thing...

But you don't think they will.

No. And that's what scares me.

Listen, kid. You know that one quote? That there's a road for every soul? Remember it. If your doubt really comes from wondering whether or not your life philosophy is approved by everyone else on the planet, you're never going to get rid of it. You're only accountable for yourself in the end, and despite all the struggle you're doing your best. You're a good kid, and I know that. So stop worrying so much, all right?

...I suppose it all comes down to confidence, then. I need to remember that, and be strong enough to accept it.

Then work on it. And another thing you have to remember is that if you need help, we're all here. I mean, hell, I have nothing better to do and I mean that in the best possible way. You're my top priority and you always will be, and I know I'm not the only person here who can say that.

I guess my memory is worse than I thought. I keep forgetting what that feels like.

What what feels like?

Having all of you in my life.

Well hey, we're making progress, the kid's feeling something. How about you, Spine?

I am happy for it.

You don't look too bloody well though.

I am not feeling the best. But being here is helping me very much. Thank you.

Hey, no problem. As for you, sharkface, you do know I expect you to help with this.

Believe me, I am all too aware of that. I'm just paranoid now, too, knowing that you can get through locked doors.

Haha, that was your fault! And I told you, you can't compromise security, ever. Headvoices are tough as nails and if we want something we're going to do anything we can to get it. That applies to Julie just as much as it applies to me. So if she wants to get to you and I want her the hell out, I'll get her the hell out. But if I'm being blocked, you're going to have a problem, right Jewel?

I realized that. Julie only comes after me when you're not around, and there are too many daily-life situations where my mind puts up automatic blocks. So I need to somehow get you authorized through those. Also, thank you for showing up in my dream last night because that was awesome.

No problem. I don't take any chances, especially after what happened yesterday. And yeah, do authorize me, because I could kick a thousand times more ass if you did.

Wait, what happened yesterday?

We had a dream-hack. Jewel got himself out of that one, thank God, but the fact that we're still getting those hellish things is really ticking me off.

They're brutal, too. Fast and brutal. I was completely safe and then it came out of nowhere, and five seconds later I was clawing my way out of that dream for dear life.

Can I help block those?

I don't know, have you tried? You're more of a physical-influence voice, though, so I don't know how much sway you'd have over dreams.

I do not know either, but I want to try.

Then try all you want, the more the merrier. Now Jewel, if you don't mind, I'd like to change the subject to October again, specifically what happened around that time.

...Yeah?

You've lost many, many lives. We all know that. But are they really gone forever?

I hope not. With everything I am I hope they're not.

See kids, we had an interesting little incident on the 13th. Jewel is apparently able to 'find' things again.

'Finding' meaning I can see things here and there, creatures and the like. That's how I found everyone from Halcyon Days, for the love of heaven, but that was back in 2007... my mind has been losing it's creative ability since then and I really thought everything was gone for a while. I didn't draw much of anything from 2008 to 2010, because it felt like that ability to create had been stolen from me. And... and with what you found out on October, it really had been. Slowly but surely.

But now things are coming back, aren't they?

Yeah. And I don't really know how to... how to deal with it. Not just because of the emotional blocking, which I am fighting to overcome, but because this is something I can barely wrap my mind around. I'm trying hard to get back into my work, and yes it's a struggle, but I'm working again. It sounds simple, but it's incredible to me, after what happened.

And then you found that monster in the sink.

...I did. That was entirely unexpected. I have a little entry about it here, but... geez, I don't know what that creature is, but it is shockingly embryonic in appearance. And that's when it hit me.

Maybe there's a way to bring back those who have died.

Yeah. And maybe this little guy, whatever he is, is the start of something. I hope so.

Hey, you are a creator figure, mister Gaia. The Sage did say so.

Ironically, just a little.

Hey, mythology doesn't apply to us, love. But it is kind of awesome how, in that sense, I wouldn't be here without you.

...It is. Although that's a paradox if you think about it.

Goes both ways, huh?

Yeah.

And your Virtue does enlighten to Creation, so.

...Man, no coincidences at all, huh?

Not a single one.

Chaos, if I'm not going to mess with your schedule, I think I've had enough of this emotional wall.

What?

He means that you're the only one who can fix that, you bleeding heart maniac.

I swear, Apollo knows too much. Those music memes always turn out far too accurately.

"Some Kind Of Blue" for wedding music, haha. Man. I don't care if the mood's wrong, I can tell you exactly what kind of blue he's talking about.

It starts with an A, and it's not azure.

That would be really weird if it was. I mean, she's a wonderful woman, but...

Pfahaha! Dude that would be hilarious.

But, uh... no, I don't have anything else scheduled for tonight, so...

In that case let's get this thing closed up, heh. Spine, you're not saying much. Are we that annoying?

No, you are not annoying at all. I am simply listening. You remember I am still new compared to all of you.

True, but you're allowed to speak up.

I know I am. But I enjoy listening more.

Hey, then listen all you want. Now Jewel, about that creature you found. Is he the only one?

That I've seen? So far, yeah, but I'm going to keep my eyes open. But um, Laurie, you said something really interesting about that earlier today.

What, about potential? That's because it's true. See, I was talking to Jewel about this creature and he said that it looked noticeably better than it had when he found it, and really, the only reason I can figure as to why that happened is because it was with Jewel. You have something about you that brings out the potential in people, kid, from what I've seen. You brought out mine, and that's a hell of a difficult thing to do. You did the same to Chaos, and Spine, and I daresay you've had that effect on several people outside here too.

I hope so. Just... it feels weird to have that attributed to me. If I really do have that sort of effect, I want to use it the best I can, but I don't want to assume I'm some huge force of change if--

Jewel, if you want to be a force of change, then be one. Maybe that's all this is, just your constant striving to bring out the best in others. I'm not saying it's some sort of superpower, kid. I'm just saying that you can do this for people, and that's not something to take lightly. You know that.

Then I'll continue to do that.

Good. Now is there anything else to discuss tonight, or can we close this up? Because it's getting pretty bloody late.

No, I think we've discussed everything we needed to for now. Discussing Leon's role and all that can wait until Thursday or so, as I want to take as much time as we need for that. No, wait, that reminds me-- I should really mention about my support groups this past week. I didn't go to the religious one on Friday because of how messed-up I got from the last one, and I didn't want to risk any further mental confusion in my unstable situation.

I don't blame you.

That's good. But I did go to a LGBTQA support group on Wednesday, and although I've been worried about how that would turn out, it was fantastic. So I'm going again this week. The only problem is, uh, that I think I effectively 'came out' to my father and his girlfriend just by being there. I didn't say anything flat-out, but geez, the environment made it a little obvious.

He didn't react negatively, did he?

That's why I'm worried, because he really didn't react at all, positively or negatively. Neither of them did. They were too quiet. So I'm worried that they're doing what my mom did-- they're vaguely aware that something's up, but they don't want to accept it so they're shoving it under the carpet. As a result, I don't know what to do. Sure, I can keep quiet about it, but eventually I am going to transition and then no one will be able to deny it. So I guess all I can do is keep the peace for now, do everything I can to stabilize my life situation, and if any family upsets happen, I'll deal with them then. I'm not going to worry about those right now, like Laurie said.

Plus your family really should learn to be more loving and understanding, just saying.

Yeah, but I've done what I can there. I do everything I can to help them, sure, but ultimately I'm not responsible for them or their decisions. So I can't expect things to turn out the way I'd like, even if it means that I might end up facing hate, but I'm learning to just accept that and keep walking. It's sad though.

It is, but you can't change them. Only they can change themselves.

Exactly. However I could've sworn Viral called me 'bro' the other day, and it was so natural I didn't realize it until a few minutes later, haha. But that was brilliant, and it would seriously mean a lot to me if he was as accepting as I hope he is.

I wouldn't worry about your brothers, honestly.

Yeah, they've got their heads on straight.

Do your brothers have voices like us?

I have no clue, actually. But you know... back when Julie was the only one of you up in my head, I used to talk about my troubles with her to Viral every once in a while... and I remember he would mention someone named 'Seth' who held a similar role in his mind. I have no clue if Seth was a headvoice or not, let alone whether or not he's still alive, even in a de-personified form... but yeah, there was that one mention.

Huh. Interesting.

I hope there are not any problems for them.

Same here.

I really need to keep up with having these talks at least once a week. They have done so much good for us it's incredible.

I'm holding you to that, boy. You feeling better than you did this morning, then?

Yeah, talking to you always helps. You're really amazing, Laurie.

Aw, thank you. Same to you. Now seriously, close this up because I do believe you have plans.

You are such a fangirl, Laurie.

What is a fangirl?

It means she is far too obsessive over Jewel and I.

Hey, I told you why that was.

I think we should discuss that point again next time, too. It should be interesting.

I'm all for that.

Fine, fine. Now close up because your channels are starting to slip and I don't want you forcing yourself to stay up later than you have to.

Okay. Thanks for being here with us, Spine. I really missed you.

I missed you as well. It was good being here.

All right, I think that's it. I'm closing this one up because you two take forever to finish anything.

You have a point. Also you're right, I cannot keep this conversation going any longer, I am far too tired.

Are you going to be okay, then?

Heck, of course I will be. I can't handle everything at once, remember, since I need to get out of this paranoid mindset first. It might take me a little while to open my heart enough. But heaven knows I shouldn't have a problem with you.

Man, you're talking like this online? Mother of Freud.

Speaking of, I really should re-read his and Jung's theories and see if there are any better ways of looking at our situation. Just for clarity.

Hey, don't go messing up the truth though. I don't care what the hell we're labeled as, that doesn't change what we are.

True. But that's why I want to re-read their work, to make sure I'm not misunderstanding or misquoting anything. It's been a while since I've taken a psychology class and it's really bugging me.

Knowing you, it would. And sheesh, we didn't close up yet and it just hit midnight. Come on.

I thought you said you were going to close this up, though.

I could, or I could continue to bug you and Chaos and see how far I get.

Don't you dare, not at this hour.

Oh, nevermind, Jewel just put rifle recoil on.

Sorry, love. I just haven't had the nerve to listen to this in a while either.

Boy, you are messing with me something fierce.

In a good way?

You have no idea.

That's it, you two get a room and call me in the morning. And no burnouts, Jewel.

There won't be, I promise.

Too much water around for that to happen, huh?

Laurie, for heaven's sake, he already told you this isn't going to get you any postcards.

Hey, you never know.

Seriously, Laurie, come on.

I'm just joking with you two, geez.

I know, it's okay.

It's not okay that we're all still in here.

Amen to that. We'll see you invisible readers later.

Or will we?

Heh, nice one.