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SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO




I feel so completely out of touch with everything. It's scary.

Look who's talking. When did we last update this thing, four weeks ago?

Almost. I feel kind of sick.

I'm not surprised. At least you got the guts to come on here regardless.

I don't know how long we'll be able to talk, though, what with the instability of my headspace right now. Something is seriously messed up and it is really worrying me.

You think it's because of those bloody horrific hacks you had earlier this week?

...

Huh. Probably, then.

I don't want to talk about those, ever. Ever.

Then we won't. Let's focus on that bloody meetup you went to back in February that triggered this recent fallout, aiite? It's the main reason why we haven't updated in so long, anyway.

Did we mention that in the previous entry? That I was going?

Nah, you didn't find out about it until two days later.

True. Geez, I really don't remember much of the past 4 weeks...

No kidding, you effectively fell out of reality for a while. You were either buried in research, being hacked out of your mind, or playing Pokemon Black.

Hey, Pokemon helped. Video games are a foolproof hack barrier for me.

Until you stop playing them.

...Yeah. Until I stop. Then I get a relapse period and I am incredibly vulnerable during that time.

Is that why you haven't played Nier again yet?

Pretty much. I told you that game has changed my life, and I cannot play it if there is any risk of interruption or 'spying' while doing so. I've hit the isolation point with it, where I can only play it in honesty if I am alone, and I just can't get that right now.

Which is a huge freaking problem.

It is. But I have to gamble with every action I take now. Anything that involves serious concentration and mental identification is a reality warp, and I will repeat that I can no longer risk the relapse periods.

Then find a way to chain them, or something.

I can't. Even now it's taking me so long to get back online, because my mind isn't comprehending it thanks to still being in Pokemon mode, although I haven't played it in a week... but that's partly why it's very hard to channel right now. The other part is because of how ravaged I've been since that first meeting.

And we should really discuss that first. You start.

All right. You're not... are you okay with the current connection level? I mean, I just feel really weird...

It's fine.

You don't feel fine.

I'm not fine. But the connection is the best it can be right now. Keep talking.

Okay... um, well, on February 26th, I went to a local discussion on Buddhism, hoping to find out more about different belief systems for both personal and research purposes. Unfortunately I was the only person there besides the group organizer, and that proved to be very bad.

His delivery was all sorts of screwed up.

It was. Looking back, I think he was talking to me with the assumption that I had an understanding of the religion close to his own, which I didn't, and I think he was also using 'personal' definitions and interpretations that did not sync with either my own or a more 'objective' explanation. So, needless to say, I was getting an entirely wrong impression of the religion.

And you paid for that in blood.

...I don't want to talk about what he said specifically, as I don't want to re-confuse myself, but I'll mention the biggest problem. I also want to mention that I went on a research binge concerning Buddhism for several days after that meeting, hoping to get a better understanding of the basics, as opposed to what I had heard then.

So what was the biggest problem?

I badly misinterpreted the 'detachment,' 'emptiness' and 'middle path' concepts.

You fused all three of them, confound it.

I did. Somehow I came out of that meeting with the idea that life had no purpose, I needed to detach from reality, and moderation wasn't as 'virtuous' as I had thought. All of that is wrong by the way.

You really screwed up.

I did. Also I'm sorry for only allowing room for commentary here, I'm just--

You're still really bloody out of it, I know. We'll fix that. Just talk, because I can't explain that weekend the way you can.

All right. So by getting nothing but false information and a general sense of existential dread from that meeting, I headed home only to face a full-on hack by Julie, who had found a way to take those wrong points and twist them enough for me to believe she was completely justified in abusing me.

Which is seriously messed up.

I know. But I really didn't see that then. She had me convinced that if life had 'no meaning,' and if I should follow a 'balanced' path, then she could screw around with me however badly she wanted, and as long as I offset that with something good then it was fine. And since I was trying to 'detach,' she had free reign... It makes me physically ill thinking about it. I really, really do not want to type this.

Then don't. We covered the main concern there. So can you clarify what the 'real' interpretations are of those points are, at least for you, so there's no more confusion here?

Sure. The 'life has no meaning' thing was a corruption of the concept that much of the 'meaning' we give to life is projected and so entirely individualized and often egocentric. However there is what I feel to be a 'universal' meaning, and that centers entirely on compassion. Which is really a no-brainer from my perspective. Anyway, the 'detachment' was another complete misunderstanding. Detachment means freedom from desire and 'worldly' wants, from what I gather. It's a process of realizing that those are not vital and so one 'detaches' from those. It does not mean to be aloof, uncaring, distant, or isolated from reality. And lastly, that 'middle path' thing... really, I have no clear idea what that is yet, and I'm not going to assume or preach on it as a result. But I'm really freaking sure that it has nothing to do with justifying vicious acts on any level.

It doesn't. And I really don't know how you keep letting people get to you like that, for sanity's sake.

I think it's a guilt reaction in conjunction with my pain addiction. I feel that I'm so blameworthy that even the most depraved actions against me are completely deserved, and so I let people hurt me like that. The pain addiction makes me look for situations where I can be taken advantage of, just so I can stagger to my bloody feet afterward and say 'this suffering will make me stronger.' I keep forgetting that it's the wrong kind of suffering, and that it's no longer making me stronger. I can't learn this lesson any more than I already have, and it's killing me... I'm sorry, I need to put on some Ryuichi Sakamoto because my head is about to implode.

...Geez. You're still not over the guilt issue?

I'm over part of it. I'm trying hard to no longer blame myself for everything my family does, but it's difficult because not taking their blame feels selfish, and it shouldn't. However I'm still putting massive amounts of guilt on myself for even my smallest mistakes. Plus I'm losing my ability to differentiate between a wrongdoing and a general action, so I can literally find grievous fault in every move I make now. I don't know why this is happening and I'm getting scared.

Yeah, I am too. This is some serious regression. Are you still getting nightmares?

Every night. Mostly I'm being murdered, but the... I'm still getting the abusive ones too. Nothing as bad as the apocalypse-bomb dream though.

I thought you were trying to burn that one from your memory.

I tried. It was just so horribly traumatic that it stuck. I woke up convulsing from that one... I didn't think I could have such a merciless nightmare. But I did.

What was last night?

Some sort of terrorist plot, it was global, I was a target but I don't know how... all I can remember of it is the end, because I was talking to some guy at a desk, and when I turned to leave he jumped out and started to strangle me, and I literally suffocated to death in the dream. It was a horrible feeling but at least I woke up when I died. Plus I keep getting panic attacks when I try to fall asleep at night so that makes this whole situation even harder to deal with.

...

I, uh, want to mention that there was one thing from the Buddhist meeting that I want to look into. It was a concept of 'having a self without an ego.' All my life I've been taught that the two are synonymous, so the thought of existing without the ego really interests me. The only problem is that I don't know how that would affect all of us. I'm not the only person in my own head, and I don't identify with it anyway, so it's rather confusing...

Listen, if you're going to research that, go right ahead, but my main concern is getting rid of Julie.

I know. This shouldn't affect that.

Maybe not, but if anything gets in the way, don't pretend it's harmless because it bloody well isn't.

I feel sick.

You always do.

This shouldn't affect that. If I get rid of my ego, then I won't be selfish, as I won't be working with a 'me' in mind. I'm just worried if Julie will use that against me, or if I'll somehow be unaffected at that point...

That's what I'm worried about. The moment you start separating from the 'me' principle you get this screwed-up idea that it doesn't matter what happens to you as a result. And it does. That's what happens all the freaking time. You tell yourself that you are not your body, and you're not, but then you hand the keys over to the vandals and forget that you're still trapped in the car.

So what do I do?

I don't know. Stabilize, first. Before you do anything drastic, seriously stabilize it up in here. It's hard enough for you to think and talk on a basic level; how the heck do you expect to make a life-changing mental alteration in your current state?

You're right...

Just don't give up. That's all I can say.

I won't. It's just so hard, to never recognize the face in the mirror, and to live a lie all the time. I don't sync with physicality. So it's hard to live on a basic level.

I know.

Geez...

Hey, any other points you want to discuss from that list?

Maybe, let me check... I don't know. I could quote a few things but maybe we should save that for a different discussion.

Why, are they that in-depth?

They could be, depending on how we deal with them. There's just quite a few of them. And they're all things I already know, but I think discussing them would be worthwhile. That or writing about them separately...

Figure out what would work better and do that, then. If there really are a ton of points then yeah, I'd write an IJ entry or something different concerning those. You remember how hard it was to cover the few points you had from Utah, right?

Oh geez, yeah. We talk a lot in here.

Hey, there's a lot to say.

You know, looking over this, there is one quote I need to post here... "those who wish to protect their practice must zealously guard the mind. The practice cannot be protected without guarding the unsteady mind." That made me think of you, not only because of your vigilance principle, but because you're the main person helping me to 'guard' my mind.

Well no kidding. I'm the only person who can guard this madhouse most of the time.

Exactly. That means a lot to me. It's just frightening to read that line, because it makes me realize just how unsteady my mind is, and sometimes I seriously wonder if that's going to bar me from making as much progress in life as I'd like. I don't want to be trapped in this mental hell simply because it IS a mental hell. I don't want any catch-22s. I want to overcome this and live a good life, but can I? I know my transition is the biggest 'physical' weapon we have against Julie right now, but will that really kill her? What if it makes her worse? What will I do?

If it doesn't kill her, we'll just keep fighting harder than ever. But seriously kid, don't worry about what might not happen. Worry about now, because she's not dead yet.

Oh, by the way, concerning our last session, how are you holding up on the 'stop hating' thing?

Good, thanks to you. It's tough as hell but I'm working on it.

You didn't-- we didn't mention the pity thing, did we?

I doubt it. Want me to explain?

If you could, yeah. I still can't think straight.

All right. So J and I were discussing the Julie-hatred issue after our last session, and-- hold up, we didn't mention that we confronted her, either.

No we didn't. Dude. That was terrifying, too.

Yeah, it was. But this leads into that, so. Anyway. Jewel was getting guilty as usual over the situation, and began to wonder if Julie did have a 'good' side after all. So he decided to give her a chance to redeem herself, and actually searched her the heck out and attempted to let her know that it was 'shape up or ship out.' Well, kid nearly lost his face.

She didn't even give me a chance. The second she saw I was there she jumped on me, and I was so scared that I was going to be... hurt in some way, but Lynne put up a shield around me at the last second, which pretty much saved my life.

Yeah, then I rounded everyone up as fast as bloody possible to try and hold her off, but the bitch wouldn't back down, so Chaos ended up having to distract her while Leon warped us all out.

So I don't think she cares if we're giving her a chance to change her act or not.

She went primal and tried to kill you. She definitely couldn't care less.

I guess not.

Anyway, that's what led into this topic we've been dancing around. Since we had pretty much just witnessed proof that Julie is beyond hope, it brought our own situations into perspective. We're all headvoices too, and some of us were formed from some seriously dark stuff as well, myself included. However, we were all able to turn our lives around in one way or another. Julie... well, she doesn't seem capable of doing that. She is so completely negative that it is probably impossible for her to be anything but. And I can't even comprehend that. So for the first time in my life, I actually felt sorry for that tramp.

We still need to get Leon to chill out though.

Geez, I know. He is far too unstable yet, with how panicky he is all the time. Plus there's the trouble with his not being around to help when we need him, which ticks me off. As a headvoice he needs to be accessible 24/7 or there is a serious problem.

I do know he's working on staying closer to me now, distance-wise.

Yeah, well he'd better. He wasn't doing a very good job of it before.

You know, that's what bothered me the most about using Pokemon as a hack-shield. I was so focused on that, I really couldn't connect to you guys very well.

Then maybe it's acting as a total block?

Maybe. I mean, with the other games I have, we all interact as I'm playing them. So that keeps me stable. Pokemon just... it really messed with my perception, sadly.

It's not a blind escape, is it? You're at least getting something from it, right?

Well, personally, yeah. I love my monsters, and it does wonders for my confidence and optimism. But in terms of growing as a person, Nier trumps it by a lightyear.

And you can't play Nier very often with this household schedule..

Exactly. But I don't know, it feels like we should be discussing something else.

Like what?

I'm not sure. Possibly my creative problem. I haven't been able to truly work in a long time, and I feel like I'm drying up inside. University destroyed my motivation as it made me feel that my work was worthless, and although it has forced me to work harder-- and I have improved-- I just can't create freely anymore. Everything feels like it needs to conform to that impossibly high standard, and it's wreaking absolute havoc on my life. I want to just push through it, but I'm terrified that I'm going to do something wrong, and I'm tired of always being the lowest grade in the class.

Hm. And you can't go back to class because of the triggers, so.

No, I can't.

Then push through it in a different way, I guess. Teach yourself, like you're doing with all this research. Knowing you, it probably all boils down to that perfectionist problem.

It does, and I know that. It's my constant fear of creating something 'wrong' or 'false,' and not being able to correctly get my point across.

Question. Your art has improved a ton from when you were in sixth grade, right?

Of course, yeah.

But you were happy with your work then, weren't you? You drew all the freaking time. Yeah, you knew you had a long way to go technically, but heck, you were creating. And you got your point across.

Not entirely. I even remember when I had to draw illustrations for that book I wrote, and I was absolutely devastated because I had no idea how to draw the characters in the way I saw them mentally.

But you can't stop creating because of that. Learning that skill is a lifelong process, and with art, you won't learn anything if you don't put it to paper first.

That is true.

So don't get trapped in fear; get back to work in spite of it. That's really the only option I can see.

...I'll have to try then.

You had bloody well better. I know how badly that hurts you, and honestly I want to see this problem resolved as well as it can be right now.

I'll do my very best. I mean, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to stabilize my mind enough to talk tonight, but I took that chance and here we are, so.

See, this is why we need Leon around.

Haha, yeah.

Speaking of blue people. How's Chaos?

He's, um, he's an angel as always. I haven't really... I haven't seen him much lately.

Is that because of the reality warp?

Probably, yeah... that and the hacks. I...

Don't talk about them, kid. We don't need any bloody triggers.

All right... but a lot has been going on, so I haven't been stable enough to be around him.

About that. You're not letting that pink devil get between the both of you again, are you? Because I noticed that your 'connection addiction' disappeared entirely after that one hack, and now you're losing link clarity... that's not a good sign in my book, kid.

I know, I know. And I'm not letting her mess me up again. I'm just... I don't feel right, at all. I don't want to risk anything happening to Chaos because of that. I love him too much.

Then you are letting her get to you. For heaven's sake, Jewel.

I can't risk it, Laurie. I can't. Not after that one incident.

Listen, neither of you want that happening again, right? So fight her. Keeping you two separate is doing nothing but breaking you down emotionally and I know it.

...You know what, that makes me think of something.

What?

In public, you know how I talk to myself constantly if I'm alone? How I never seem to shut up, but I'm never really 'me?' I can rant for hours but it's all an act, it's all some weird sort of automatic reaction that does nothing but seriously harm me inside.

Wait, that actually hurts you?

Yeah, to an extreme degree. I noticed that yesterday, because I was driving home from errands and I was just mindlessly talking in the car, when suddenly I remembered the lyrics from an Aqualung song: "You talk too much, but maybe that's your way of breaking up the silence that fills you up." And it hit me then, because my situation is different but the principle is the same. It's why I was so ridiculous at age 13, 14. I was constantly rambling, joking around, never shutting up, because as long as I was making mindless noise it kept me from thinking about the dark things upstairs. It keeps me from hearing them. But the talking, the not thinking, it was the worst thing I could do.

Because you were only masking it.

Right. And all that talking actually made it worse, because it forced me to disconnect from who I really was, and become a mindless puppet of sorts. Once I stop talking, in every case, the fake optimism instantly dissipates and is replaced with this bitter disappointment, self-loathing, and panic. I need to stop doing that, because the more I do it the more I lose myself...

Holy swords, I was wondering what that was, why you always talk like that. That's one of your biggest regrets, isn't it?

Exactly! It's one of the main reasons why I hurt so much from Utah, too-- I kept going into that mode, and I was never being honest! I was just talking because I was expected to talk, and because I felt it was somehow 'rude' to be fighting my demons in the company of others.

Forget the social niceties, kid. You need to stop this acting, in ALL cases. I honestly didn't even see this. Man. I didn't know it was that bad.

I didn't notice it either, which is why I'm so shaken by it. I've been doing this all my life, because for some stupid reason I feel obligated to talk mindlessly when I'm in public, even if I'm 'alone.' It's exactly the same principle that makes me feel obligated to bow to every whim that's thrown at me, and I have no idea what's making me compromise so much of myself but I downright despise it.

I swear it's your perfectionist drive again. You want to please everybody and you don't know how, but you're bloody terrified that if you're honest, someone's going to put a bullet through your face.

My family preaches both perfectionism and paranoia daily, so that's definitely part of it.

Geez, it does go back to the family situation. I cannot wait until your therapist tells us that we have the green light to get the heck out.

I know. Hey, Laurie?

'Sup?

Are you doing okay? Because I still feel messed up.

I'm just glad we're here, Jewel. But what, are you messed up emotionally, mentally?

Both, kind of. I feel like I'm full of tangled wire. And my head is an aching smokebank.

Huh. I daresay that's not the sort of mood we usually operate these sessions in, no.

It's not. And when I do get it, it's usually cleared up by the time the session is over, but I can't...

You bottling stuff up?

Probably. No real catharsis. The talking is fake, I can't open up to people without feeling that I'm annoying them or being selfish, and I haven't been typing. So I am bottling everything up.

Moodswitch, heh. I can tell when the string snaps, kid. So what's the deal?

With what's stressing me out or what I'm keeping quiet?

Both, why not.

Too much work, no means to complete it, and my physical-mental disconnect is becoming more severe by the day so even walking feels like a hallucination now.

Man. I seriously hope your transition fixes this, because man.

I know. It's bad.

Jewel, you sound like you're unhinging. That's not good. Talk to me.

About what?

Anything, I don't bloody know. What's destabilizing you?

No catharsis, I told you. I haven't been around anyone, haven't been talking to anyone. I've been cut off from all of you for stupid reasons and now I'm going to pay for it, again. I should be bankrupt by now, heh.

All right, that is it. Chaos, get the heck in here, I need backup.

Don't get him in here I can't handle a channel.

You're freaking unhinging, Jewel! If this cathartic block is getting so bad that you're unraveling at the slightest provocation, then I-- hey, pull yourself together! Don't you dare black out on me now--

Laurie, you called?

Oh thank God. Yeah, Jewel is having a mini-meltdown and I am really bloody sick of these.

laurie why do you always do this

Because this is getting seriously out of hand, boy.

...Did something happen?

No, no hacks. He's just been severely out of it all day, and apparently the past few weeks haven't been much better. But the kid managed to get himself into an emotional cage here, and if I know anything about J, it's that he has a fatally bad habit of keeping everything quiet until it explodes. Or implodes, in this case. So that's why I brought you in here.

I... I really don't know what to do, Laurie. Usually when this happens it's your call--

Listen, you know what causes Jewel the most emotional turmoil? You. If anything's going to start or stop one of these breakdowns it's you. Judging by the fact that you two apparently haven't been around each other for most of the past month, and that he freaking fell apart the moment you walked in, I'd say you definitely started this one, in one way or another.

laurie.

The heck do you want?

why am i so emotionally unstable. this keeps happening

Maybe because you're talking when you should shut up and being silent when you should be screaming. You have everything bloody backwards and you're wondering why you have problems??

Laurie, I think this is because of the hack..

Oh, that definitely had a part to play in this, judging by the catastrophe of a breakdown he had that night. We haven't had one that devastating since October. But you're his support, and you haven't been around, so when he fell into that abyss no one was there to catch him.

i told him not to

I-- listen, Laurie, please. You know Jewel can't... can't deal with two emotional extremes at once.

That's exactly what brought us to this situation, Chaos. He can't safely be around anyone when he's suffering from so much bleeding negativity, and the strain that puts on him emotionally causes him to snap.

Then why'd you bring me in here? I'm just going to make this worse!

No you won't, sharkboy. Not in the long run. Sure it's going to take a while for him to pull himself together with you here, but I swear, if you don't at least try to balance out this backwards catharsis thing--

I have been trying to, Laurie. I have. There's only so much I can do.

Jewel?

how come you can type and i can't.

Because I'm not trying to deal with the hurricane that's undoubtedly in your head right now.

but we're in my head technically right

In a sense. But you're up here too, mister paradox.

i'm getting really dizzy laurie

Don't you dare have a panic attack on me. Don't you dare.

Jewel, is this really because of your Virtue? What's going on?

i can't. i i can't think straight.

God help me I don't know how to fix this. I really don't. He hits this stage and everything just freaking falls to pieces.

You said this was an emotional unhinging. Is this negative or positive?

Both, I told you that. He hasn't been expressing anything thanks to his concentration being elsewhere, so other than a few short conversations with you and that devastating incident earlier this week, there haven't been any emotional reactions on his part whatsoever. And whenever that happens, all it takes is the slightest provocation and wham, he shatters. Everything he was keeping quiet hits him like a flood, and we get this.

i just need to ride this out.

No you don't. It's not going to fade out unless you do something with it.

Oh, that's why you brought me in here.

Come on, CZ, you can't say you didn't suspect that.

But we can't do anything like this. I've been with him like this before. It's really painful.

Yeah, no kidding. But you're at least forcing him to deal with it right now.

laurie can i close this up i really cant channel anymore

Fine, fine. I really hate ending these on cliffhangers.

He can't keep this going any longer, though.

Yeah, but... heck, we'll just have another discussion on Saturday or something. Chaos, get him to calm the heck down and stop bottling everything up like he does.

Wait wait wait. Stop. There's a bigger problem here.

What's that?

Jewel doesn't just bottle his emotions up because he can't act on them. He does that because they are so terribly strong that he can't deal with them. That's why these meltdowns are so bad. If it really was simply a case of holding back, we would not be facing an unhinging situation.

See, now there's something. Everything is that powerful for him?

Everything. And lately, he's been terrified of that. We did talk about this, Laurie, he and I. Neither of us have any idea why everything he feels is amplified so much, but it puts him in a very dangerous situation if he's not careful and I guess he's no longer willing to take a chance there.

He did mention that, about the risks. And I do remember our conversation about the sensory overload... but Jewel was always able to handle these before. Did this only happen after that one hack?

...I don't know.

maybe who can say.

Jewel, please..

. .. i cant do this right now

He's going to completely shut down if we don't close this up, Chaos. You're right. Listen, let's say this overload problem started happening after that, just to avoid any more triggers. What the heck made him suddenly unable to deal with the strength of his own emotions anymore?

That's just it. It's the fact that they're so overwhelming, in and of itself.

So they weren't this extreme before?

I honestly can't tell.

All right, geez, let's assume they were. We're still going in circles though. What the-- Jewel, why the blood can't you deal with your emotions anymore?

dangerous

Is that because of Julie?

partly. other partly is because of awareness loss

That's the way Julie gets in, kid. So then we only have that one problem. Why's it happening?

too much. it really, really hurts. so much. cant show it. cant act on it. like i said.

Why?

dont know how

I told you, Laurie.

Sheesh... you know, I'm sick of these circles. Chaos, go deal with this, and I'll see what I can do with the other voices. Keep me updated, and keep him vigilant, because that is the only bloody thing I can think of that should help.

I will.

And hey, I apologize for dragging you in here, but there's only so much I can do alone.

I know. It's okay.

Good to hear. Now I'm shutting this off before this gets any worse. With any luck we'll follow up on this tomorrow.