mar 28

 

 

I just feel fake, all the time, like I'm not real or genuine or honest in any sense. It causes a lot of existential dread for me, especially with the whole physical-identity problem I have on top of it all.
It probably has something to do with my overwhelming senses of guilt and contrition, which have both fused into a sort of deathwish. It's scary but that's what's going on most of the time. I feel irredeemable, and even when I'm told that I'm a 'good person' I feel it's completely wrong, that the 'objective truth' labels me as a blackhearted demon or something.
...Mel, however, is one of the most amazing people I've been able to know. Of course, I really don't know much about them and they might not think so well of themself, but from what I've seen and heard they are incredible. It's part of why I was so upset in Utah; they were this paragon of virtue that I knew I could never live up to, and it made me miserable because I felt I had been damned for it. I wasn't mad at them.
But for Mel, who I view so highly, to say such good things about me, is almost surreal. So it really makes me step back and think.

I'm so sorry. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so convinced of my own evils, because then I'd be a better person, ironically. This constant need for severe retribution and punishment is killing me.

Maybe it's because of the spiritual aspect of it. Mel showed me how someone could be loving and kind with that, whereas my family... well, it's not something I like to think about.
And I know perfection is impossible in this life. I've thought about that quite a lot, believe me. Yet that impossible goal still haunts me. I'm not sure how to get over it.

But I know what I'm not, and I'm forcing myself to be that to please people. That's the problem.
I am slowly learning who I am, though. But it's confusing. I seem to be completely intangible in every aspect.

Unconsciously, it's mostly my mother and grandmother, but in the big picture I'm trying to please some formless corrupt 'ideal' that I've perceived in the world around me. I despise it with every waking moment, and yet I feel condemned to act along with it. It's sickening and I think that if I got out of here I'd be free of it, but until then I'm stuck.