no safety for the lost ones

Someone on Tumblr posted a screenshot from Inglourious Basterds, of this blonde woman smirking in a horribly poisonous way... and it hurt so much to see that, I literally broke down in tears.

Apollo is burning up on his left side, and I feel terrible because I don't know how to help him without shutting him off, and I don't want to be selfish but I'm trying very hard to stabilize my mind right now and it's very difficult...

Mel took me aside as soon as they walked in the door tonight and for those 20 seconds I was absolutely terrified of them. If they hadn't let me go when they did, I think my mind would've shorted out into a blind adrenaline rush. I would've attacked them and ran out the door, probably sobbing like a blind man, because there would be nowhere to run.

I am so confused. They keep telling me to 'do what my heart tells me,' but geez, what if something's corrupting that? People justify so much crap by saying 'I just followed my heart!' as a ridiculous excuse for running on a selfish, uneducated whim.
"...But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander..."
It's right there in the Bible, kid. You can't justify every thought you have as 'from God' unless you look at it with a clear head, away from your own opinions and misled convictions, to discover whether or not such a conviction is objectively good.
This is why I'm hesitant to follow my 'intuition.' Remember I have some very vicious voices in my head, and they love to put on the most beautiful masks and lead me in the wrong direction. Your head seems to be even more dangerous than mine is; are you sure you're not being misled?
Then again, in reading this, you'll probably pull a Cobb and ask me to take a 'leap of faith...' but you do understand, how do I know if my faith is in the right place? What if that leap takes me into a hell cleverly disguised as a heaven? What if that leap kills me?
We both claim to believe in the same force, and yet we are both being told different things. So who's right? How do we know?

You see why I spend my days in agony.

You want me to be honest?
Well, Mel, I wasn't talking to you earlier. I was terrified of you, and knew I wouldn't be able to cope with a conversation, so I stepped out and left the drivers seat empty, so to speak. So you were pretty much talking to a robot. The good thing, though, was that it wasn't affected by my fears or Laurie's anger or anything, so we just programmed it to speak the truth in the bluntest way possible to avoid any cryptic misunderstanding (which I seem to love doing). I don't remember how the conversation ended, but I'm glad it did, because being in 'idle' for so long was making my body start to shut down, and so the moment you left I pretty much had to force myself conscious.
I don't remember anything from the conversation as a result, except for you asking if I wanted to go back to PA. I assume you also asked why.
I'm not too sure why, and that frustrates me, because I need solid motivations for my actions. Ironically, I had none for coming down here.
I want to go back to my family, to my memories, to my home. I want to go back to where I actually feel relatively safe, where I'm not tied down, where I have a stable base to rebuild my life from. I'll fix the mess I have up there, and then continue on to my future. Taking a detour across the country and making my troubles even deeper isn't helping anyone. Yeah, I'm scared to go back, but it's better than being stuck in an interim where I spend every day wishing I were asleep or at home.

I have a question to ask you, though.
You said I will 'inspire people with my work' down here. Why here? Why is Utah so important? Why can't I reach out to the world from anywhere I want to?
And about work... I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been exactly 'working' out here, let alone being in a stable enough state to find inspiration. If I do get anything, it's from my computer research or my own self-inspection-- two things I don't need this state to access.

The thing I've been afraid to admit, mostly because I don't fully understand it yet and so admitting it feels wrong... is that I'm deathly afraid of everyone I've met here. Both of your families terrify me, and the more time I spend with the both of you, the more I am afraid of you.
Paradoxically, I think it may be because you still mean something to me, although I don't know what that may be. For some reason I am the most paranoid and frightened around the people who mean the most to me, but who I am still uncomfortable with being around. This turns into a straight-up fear, because I don't know what to expect from you, I don't know who you really are, and as long as there is that uncertainty, I will never feel safe around you.
Plus, the more you probably think you're 'being honest' with me, the worse this becomes. Watching you and Q last night messed me up so badly that I almost had a meltdown. This is why I cannot hold relationships; I project my personality onto others, thinking they'll be 'safe,' but they invariably break my ideals and start setting off triggers left and right. This not only crushes my misplaced faith in you, but it labels you as a threat, and so I've been avoiding you both due to the danger you present.
Plus your anniversary is next week (I think), and I don't even want to think about how that might traumatize me.
You say you love me, but I think it's a shallow sort of love. You don't know me well enough to truly love me, and I'm too scared to show you anything, because in my heart I know we're not compatible at all, so to speak.
I keep using you, and that's not right.

Long story short, I want to get back home to my family... and yet I can't shake this single thought.
"You don't realize how important something is to you until it's gone."
I didn't realize how much my family meant to me until I left-- and it went both ways. In 20 years, I have NEVER seen my grandfather cry, and guess what he was doing the minute I told him goodbye? Now tell me how I'm supposed to stay out here, in an unfamiliar, alien place, when every phone call and email carries a broken voice begging for me to return?
I've never cried from being earthly homesick until I set foot in this state earlier this month. I can't ignore that.
And yet, when I left here the first time, I did miss it. That made me think.
Is this 'missing things' simply a guilt reaction? I mean, geez, when I think about it, I feel this for everything. I can be in a place for five minutes, and if it means the slightest thing to me-- even in a silly way like the lighting or the thoughts I had while I was there-- I will miss it when I'm gone.
It's why I was panicking when I first realized Q had 'abandoned me' for you. It wasn't because I was afraid of a 'breakup' or something stupid like that... no, it was because I was afraid I had screwed up, and because it meant I was losing yet another positive thing I had gained. I never understood him, and so I treated him like an object, like a twisted trophy of my wrongdoing, even then. It makes me sick.
I never loved him in the way he thought I did. I think you should think about that too. I'm not like you. I'm not like either of you, and as long as you are repeating my mistake of projecting your own personality and ideals and thoughts onto me, then you are going to be disappointed. You're going to be heartbroken, just like I am.

I'm still getting used to sticking up for my own beliefs and truths, especially because I am still terrified that I am wrong, because I simply don't have the means to 'research' my own thoughts and see if they're objectively correct. It's impossible. Society is corrupt and it's nothing to compare against... but even when I'm sure that I've made the righteous decision, even when I've put countless hours of thoughts and research and introspection behind my decisions, the slightest shoot-down from a stranger can make me panic and second-guess myself.
The Bible warns about that. It warns of those who will try to undermine you. I never realized that was happening until now, though... I just thought I was the one in the wrong. I thought I was the devil, the manipulator, the lost one. I still hope to God I'm not.
But... I still wear masks, I've become so used to acting by now that I should win a freaking Oscar on reputation alone, and I've never been more of a liar than I am now.
The most honest I've ever been with you was behind those glassy eyes in the kitchen earlier tonight, and I wasn't even the one speaking to you.

And yet, I'm still a diehard wannabe good guy. I want to fix this situation, if only for the sadly selfish reason of clearing my record and making myself a 'positive figure' again. I couldn't bear knowing that I have been a dark shadow in the lives of you both, that I was nothing but a cause of pain and regret and self-loathing. Ironically, every time I try to stay true to myself, that happens. Am I such a negative force in the world that I cannot have a single positive connection? Or is the world so negative that it cannot function with me in it? And why does it feel so utterly narcissistic to consider either option?

You're going to ask me to pray for answers, I know it.
Guess what? I have. And every time I ask "what do I do," I am told "the right thing."
But what is the right thing, I ask? "You'll figure it out."
Well gee, that wouldn't be so hard if my mind didn't snap into utilitarian principles every time that came up. Staying here will help Mel and Q, and will also fulfill their weird 'need' for me to be in this state, but it will destroy my family and so far it's been killing me (and although I really shouldn't care about me, the fact that I cannot function to help others in this state is making me panic). However, leaving will assumedly have a huge negative effect on them both, but it will bring me back to my family and will give me the means I need to get back on my own two feet.
So which is 'right?' I have trust that I will find the right way eventually, but you know what they say... "pray to reach solid ground, but keep rowing." God helps those who help themselves, and I'm not too sure what that means. How do I help myself? And why do I have such a vehement drive to not care about myself?
Is there even a 'right' decision to make here, or is everything chance? Do I just need to gamble, to take that 'leap of faith' that will potentially haunt me for the rest of my life?

I am so ridiculously lost right now. I'm going to go back to sleep and hope I'll find some answers there in the meantime.







You either live it up or don't live it down
Keep your head in the clouds or ear to the ground
You're either lost in the narrows or being found
You either pay with your life or pay by the pound

There's no time, there's no time for someone to save you
There's no time, there's no time
All the world ain't waiting for you to finally come around

You either live it up or don't let it go
You're either in with the in or out of the norm

There's no time, there's no time, there's no time for someone to save you
There's no time there's no time, all the world ain't waiting for
There's no time there's no time for something to make you
Make you finally come around

What a life, oh what a lie
To live in fear on borrowed time
And thats what happens in between,
The planning and the schemes

You either live it up and you don't live it down
You either live it up and you don't live it down
So don't go giving up, let it bring you down
Oh, let it bring you down
When the cracks split in the road
Are all you've seen...

 

sleeping in sunshine

 

So I've realized that my work really has become my life.
Seriously, after some soul-searching last night (and an unusually eye-opening dream) I've realized that my 'children' are the only reason I do 99% of what I do-- outside of trying to live as a good person, that is.
They're also the only thing I can consider 'home.' Yep, I found it!
Think back to my life before 2003, kids... I spent every waking moment living in those worlds, and I was never happier. I was completely safe, completely at home. Once high school distracted me from that joy, stuff started going downhill... and for years I couldn't figure out why. That unconditional love is what I've been trying to re-capture all this time!
Why else do I try to change the subject of every situation to my work? Geez, why else do I leave books open and computer screens alight and sentences unfinished, all for the sake of hinting towards some new dream I've given life to? It's not for me, it never is.
I get so much joy and love from them, that I need to let other people feel it too.
And that's the real reason I'm loathe to leave here.
I spoke to my mother and a handful of other individuals, and they all agree that I need to get out because the situation is dangerous to me. However, I haven't bought tickets because 'people here haven't seen my work before and I think they actually like it!' It's the naive joy of a kid whose drawings are hung up on the refrigerator... I just want my children to be appreciated. I'm just too shortsighted to realize that I don't have to put myself through this just to get that. This isn't even the genuine support I need.
I need to get to work, get that work out in the world, and watch it do what it was meant to do.
You can't build a reputation on what you plan on doing, you know. You are what you create. No one else can choose my life's path for me; no one is going to create my future but me.
What you think and do affects all other people... well, I'm more than ready to get my life back on the road, and I think I finally realized what the first step is.

Time to pack up those sketchbooks and buy a plane ticket; I'm tired of always waiting for someone else to make my decisions.
I have dreams, I have goals, and so help me but I'm going to do whatever it takes to reach them.
If there's such a lack of angels in the world, I think it's time to put some in.