Stars in my eyes

 

Oh thank God she updated. I was seriously starting to panic; what if something happened? There's no way I would know...
...I really have to stop updating like this. People are going to get the wrong idea, I suppose.
Still, she's apparently just worn out from classes (I know the feeling!), but is talking to the guy she loves again. I really, truly hope that works out, and that she can stay with him, because I know she needs that in her life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I haven't said anything to her yet because I'm afraid I'd seriously mess things up for her... but I won't deny that it does sting.
I don't mind distance; it's the disconnection that hurts.

Anyway, in other news... got home at 3AM this morning from the best night of my entire life.
That's right, I actually went with my dad to see Todd Rundgren in Connecticut! I was praying I'd get to see him, and my father was kind enough to buy us both tickets and drive us out there yesterday. Let me tell you, though-- it was absolutely phenomenal! My dad and I were both absolutely psyched, for lack of a better term, and Todd himself was amazing.
Geez, to see him live on stage! I'm never, ever going to forget it.
Even better, last night's concert was actually filmed so hopefully I'll be able to get the DVD eventually as well, haha. I got a shirt of course (I always do), not to mention my dad snuck my camera in so I nabbed a few photos and short clips, thank goodness. I needed a personal visual memory to keep, to sync with that lingering buzz of euphoria I have from the good old triple-9 performance.
Really, I'm thanking God I finally got to see Todd after all these years of wanting to. Wow.

In yet more other news, went to see "9" in theaters today and will see "District 9" on Saturday. So many nines!
Also switched my third Kiwi keychain request to Chaos Zero (again!), as he'd match my laptop perfectly and clear up a lot of confusion about that sticker, haha. Plus I carry that laptop everywhere, so it works. The other two lovely guys are going on my keys!

Now for school, as DP brought that same point up... I'm not doing well.
I know, I've been saying "oh, it's fine! I just have a lot of work" and things like that. Well, oftentimes there is a severe discrepancy between reality and how I feel/ how I perceive things. That's obvious.
In short, I've been missing a ton of classes due to both depression and bad planning, am already falling behind in art, and have no idea what's going on in my English or Art History classes. I keep forgetting supplies and assignments, I still don't have the books I need... geez.
I'm really becoming a delinquent, and I don't like that. I wish I knew why this was happening, but as for now I just need to try harder and hope it all works out.
But it's hard for me, you know. Ever since Dare told me how childlike I was on the inside, I've been looking at my life and how I react to the lives of others in a different way, and so far it's done nothing but prove her point. I still can't understand half the feelings and concepts the individuals around me are experiencing, and I'll be honest and say that it scares me when things like that come up in class (especially when it concerns me directly, like in a critique or comment). I have no idea how to respond, and end up looking indifferent, antipathetic, disgusted, or just plain bewildered. Sometimes it's intentional; I tend to put up a very cold front on campus so people will leave me be, but that's just a direct result of my problem. I don't know how to deal with people, let alone actively try to associate with them, so I just play the part of the 'punk in black' that people instinctively avoid on a physical basis alone.
Wish it didn't have to be that way, but it's safer for all of us. I've already been badly scarred by several unforeseen events of last year, and God help me but I want to keep the white parts of my mind white until I get out of here... if I get out of here.
Maybe I'm really not fit for college after all. I don't know.
I'm still too naive... too damn innocent, I guess.
It's painful just how bitingly ironic that is...

...
I've been literally burning with so many kinds of love over the past week.

I spoke to some dA pals last night (even though I don't like talking-- sorry guys!), so that boosted my friendship sort of love quite a bit... not to mention I spoke with Jim again last week and have been meaning to talk with Ben soon. I have no idea what Q's up to, but last I heard from him he was not only busy but rather distressed, from what I could gather... I'll admit I'm worried, but there's nothing I can do so I'll just hope for the best.
And then I have all those people upstairs! They go without saying, but I have been trying extremely hard to connect with them more lately, and the effort is seriously paying off. It's been giving me so much joy and inspiration, and I truly need that.
I have so much platonic love going around it's almost hilarious. My inspirations, my old friends, my co-workers... they're all such amazing people, and I'm truly blessed to have them all in my life.

Throw in a tiny spark, though, and suddenly the affection sets on fire and I have something terribly unusual, something strange to me yet precious nonetheless.
You all know what 6 main people fit into that category (2 of each gender, wow), and let me tell you this has all been at a serious high point and I don't know why. Not complaining, though.
Selph and I haven't been talking much lately, which isn't good, but he says to not worry as he knows I'm busy. I wish he wouldn't do that, though! I want to talk to him, even if he has to literally interrupt in the middle of a class. I need his support just as much as I did last year.
Didn't get to draw Ryou anything for his birthday this year (September 2nd) which quite upset me, but I made the effort to spend much more time with him that week, so I hope that made up for it. I did promise him that I'd eventually put something together, so maybe I'll sketch him out this weekend. I'll have to try.
Spoke to Marik quite a bit last week, too. I miss that guy, but I have to laugh-- I'm always saying 'I don't want him to feel left out' and the like, but I put so much effort into always doing little things to fix that problem, that I can't imagine how he'd feel left out as a result, haha. I am such a weirdo sometimes.

JMC's still busy where I can't see her, so I just pray everything is going well for her. God only knows how proud I am of that girl... I want to cry every time I look at her work, that's how gorgeous it is to me. I'm afraid that if I ever meet her I'll dissolve into tears, really. Take my admiration for her work, my great respect for her as a person, and this awfully strong love I have for her, and that's proof enough of such a possibility, no matter how cold a front I put up.
I still want to meet her, though. In person, too... some situation where I have to overcome my fears and finally speak to her face to face. I'm nervous even thinking about it, though... what in the world would I say or do? I want to make a good impression on her; I want to actually look like the person I am on the inside, not some facade I put up. And as horribly selfish as it sounds, I do want her to like me in return-- even if it's only a little bit, just a smile at our theoretical conversation. I want to make her think, make her smile. More than anything else, I just want her to remember me.

And forgive me, but what's a blue entry without a mandatory mention of my blue guy? Seriously.
I think I'm at a point where words no longer work, though. I get that sort of feeling now, the one where no words, no matter how eloquent, will be accurate enough... that weird sort of rush that makes you smile and flinch from the ache at the same time. I don't think I'll ever quite get used to it, and that's a good thing! I like keeping things like that true... I don't like taking anything for granted, or losing the original meaning/ effect of something. People do that all to often nowadays; they do or say things so often that they become automatic or even empty. I take great efforts to prevent that from happening, and although I'll be the first to admit that it doesn't seem like it here (but then again, this is personal), I try to keep things to myself as much as I can. Why? Because when things like this become public, they often just get tossed around as a conversation topic, not as something irreplaceable.
Still, sometimes I can't help but say things out loud, because geez, it's important to me and I automatically assume people will care. I'm still green around the edges, though, because I still can't accept that people don't.
But I'm getting off topic.
I haven't been drawing him lately at all. I need to fix my style of drawing him, not to mention I have to draw his higher forms and various canon/ non-canon transformations, as I haven't yet. Point is, though, I need to draw him, for multiple reasons. One of the new ones is to fine-tune my style enough for SoS 2010, honestly! I am going no matter what, and I am going to enjoy every minute.
Man, I really need to get working on SI again, even if I have to do it myself. I can't possibly ever let that series go; it's far too important to both my brother and I. I'll have to bug him about it.
Also, I don't think I've said this anywhere yet, but I've been tracking down and buying all the Sonic comic issues with Chaos Zero in them, just for the sake of having them (which I personally find hilarious on my part). I have #5, #6, #28, and #29 of the SonicX series, and #83 of the main Archie comics so far. Perfect shows up in many issues though, which I admit hurts a bit at times, but I do not hate him; heck, I can't even dislike him. A change in appearance does nothing to change the individual, and I know that all too well. Open your heart, you know.
Close your eyes and feel it burn... open your heart and let me in.


It's 4AM already. Wow, Mister Sandman's not going to be very happy about that! He's such a sweetheart though. I drew a quick color ref of him here if you want a visual aid! I need to talk about him more; he's the best boss ever.
But I've been upset lately. Due to the awful amounts of sleep I get + the havoc I wake up to every morning, I haven't remembered any of my dreams since that night Sandman gave me music. It's been taking a serious toll on my mood, too. There's nothing I can actively do to fix that, but I think that from now on, if I don't remember any dreams, I'm going to update homefive with an old dream from my written journal (I kept one for about 3 years before I switched to LJ for time-saving reasons). It will not only help me remember old dreams (and maybe trigger more new recall), but it will also help you guys see what I've dreamed of in the past. I know I reference a lot of my dreams that I've never explained, too, so it will help.

I won't get any dreams if I don't sleep, though, so I suppose I should call it quits for tonight.

I hope the stars are out...





Sometimes I just feel so alone
I don't want to admit to my friends that I feel confused
I wonder what I'd do with myself if the world was gone

Something makes me stay on my feet
Don't you dare admit to defeat
And if I tell myself it's all right
I can comfort myself through the night
and watch another day dawn
And everything will be cool

I got to keep on keeping on
There's nothing else I can do
But sometimes I don't know what to feel...