red noise

f - r - a - g - m - e - n- t - e - d .

 

I've
SHATTERED.


things make no sense
things don't belong

trapping
killing

 

and it scares me.


ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

DON'T LIE TO ME

 

but it's the truth.

I don't want this.
I don't want any of it. I don't

it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.




then why doesn't it stop

?

 

don't speak.
don't even look at me.

don't pretend that you know what's right

you're deluded
and you're
WRONG

 

I just want a way out of this no matter what I have to do.

 

I'm winning.
I've been winning for quite some time now
and you don't LIKE that do you

no
you wait until the days when no one expects anything

and you bury a serrated saw in my stomach
shredding bones and blood
stability and s s
ss sanity
from the inside o u t


not an exaggeration
not a childish assumption

 

although

 

but I do know that this is true.




I'm tired of watching people die when they don't know it.

you remember them
you REMEMBER them all

you USED him like a bloody guardrail

a little bit of support when you were selfish enough to ASK
not giving any thought to the person
and seeing an object
albeit unconsciously

you do that to all of them, it seems.
take the names and faces, paper-tape them to bits of pixels and photographs
"this is who i leech from
when i'm too lazy to solve my own problems"


you do that to all of them; that's why you can't work with people
you don't see individuals, you see moving mannequins
living amalgamations of muscle and vein and bone
it's the times when you let your blankwhite sockets do the seeing
and you forget the souls behind their glassy irises
that you turn into that hollow guillotine and chop them in half
watching in a sick yet cold fascination
as their gurgling red insides spill into your diseased hands
and you shiver as you recognize the reflection in the bloody floors

a facade.

you're always wearing that goddamn gasmask
you act so kind and understanding
and when they turn around
it's all you can do to keep from STRANGLING them
for being the shallow things they are
when you are e x a c t l y t h e s a m e
you skeleton-fingered whore.

I know EVERYTHING you have done.

 

your own little d. mech

but there are no blue antelopes
just
violet axe-blades
with eyes

and you are a spineless hypocrite.


but YOU are in there somewhere,
the kid whose mind glows the color of roses in the dark,
YOU are hiding,
locked away,
terrified at the persona you have created
that has developed a ravenous lust for your self-destruction
a hideous leviathan with your voice.

 

DON'T YOU DARE
ADMIT TO DEFEAT
FOR YOU WILL NEVER LOSE.

DON'T listen.
DONT pretend that everything is going to be okay
because it doesn't MATTER in the long run


this time YOU'RE the one who's
WRONG


IT MATTERS
and it's NEVER OKAY.

 

listen to me, child, you can't be letting yourself fall apart!
you have far too much to live for, my little one.

 

true.
but the things I have
are dying
by my hands.


He knows.
That one over there,
with the sad green eyes.

his hands held tightly to the gem I gave him
a vow I cannot take for granted

He's seen the worst of it.

I've felt more of his icy tears than I can handle
seen the pain in his eyes when I tell him to stay away from me
because I'm too destructive to be around.
I've seen him sobbing in dreams even when I thought nothing could break him.


He knows what's been going on.


And God only knows how sorry I am.






I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

I'm so sick.
I'm so lost.

I'm so young.
So foolish.
So naive.
So gullible.
So selfish.
So blind.




Mister Sandman, give me a dream
Make it the truest I've ever seen
Give it the wisdom I can't seem to find
Tell me that my heart can still be kind

Mister Sandman, I'm so alone
Don't have a mind to call my own
Please tell me that it will be alright
Sandman, I'm too scared to dream tonight.




open his heart and open my eyes.
or maybe it should be the other way around

I don't know anymore. I really don't.
and I don't have the right to say anything regardless.
fools like myself should keep their filthy mouths shut


quiet things tear me apart.


I can no longer differentiate this reality from the others
b r o k e n visions and UNUSUAL things.

What no one expects; the out of the ordinary


I can see it in their eyes when they look at me sometimes
but then again that may just be a reflection
of
something::: something i do not fully understand
or appreciate
or even recognize.


I should shut up, I'm truly making my(self) look like an absolute
-fool
-disaster
-color spectrum
-nobody.


it frightens me when I'm asked to remember something and have no recollection
of anything

my memories are beginning to dissolve
like methanol

I take one step forward, and as I do,
one step that I took in the past
fades.
i thought it was because of distance
but it's actually because of time.

I've slowed.
I don't take many steps at all now
for I have no idea where I am
or what direction I need to pursue
and as I stand here in the bleeding dimness,
the steps I've taken keep dusting away
like alice in wonderland.


except this is no transient hallucination
this is quite the living nightmare.

sometimes I wish it would fade
but then,
I would be left with a life devoid of lessons
yet to be learned

and pain never felt.


it's better to feel a sting than to go about living in empty 'contentment,' as so many do.
i would much rather fight these demons than have nothing to defend
and i would never surrender this piteously twisted conception of the world

however

I would much rather be free of the things that eat away at my mind.

I will readily sacrifice whatever be needed
(within reason)
if it guaranteed the freedom of my personal will
and the protection of those souls I care for so fervently.


I am so tired.



I can't hold on much longer
but I will never let go.

I know it's a one way track
just tell me how long it will last.

I'm not going to think this way
Nor will I count on others.

Close my eyes and feel it burn
Now I see what I have to do.


But I don't know if it's going to be all right...



after all
the last time I opened my heart,
i found it torn to shreds and spattered over the walls

it was still worth it, really.
pain helps me see.
but I just...



...I just need to lose this ice.
this frost-laced barricade.


Burning self-hatred does the impossible
and fortifies the dull crystal walls
a bitter refraction of regret glimmering mutely in their depths

They find a way in and I lash out.

Leave me here.
Make me suffer for what I've done.
Stop trying to forgive me when justice hasn't been dealt.

They don't listen.


So I'm left with this hideous contrition,
this all-consuming remorse that threatens to end my life
if I don't shape up fast.


the echoes of my imminent demise keep ringing in my ears
and I get a step closer each day
as all my previous days disappear.

My faulty choices have finally caught up with me.


I'm sick.
The convulsive haze that slinks behind my unfocused eyes now carries a foreboding heaviness,
a restless weight that fills my blue veins with lead.
I cannot comprehend what I see.
The sounds that drift through my eardrums feel strained and blurred...

worst of all,

the things i should be feeling
strike at all the wrong times
leaving me hopelessly confused

and the things i pray to escape
catch me from behind with tar-pit needles
stabbing until my senses collapse into numbness

scraping out my ribcage
and desecrating my mind with vices
so I am left with nothing but the silent screams
i have been choking on.





If I could just go to sleep
and stay there
safe within a gilded red dreamcatcher
i would.


I can't face the tomorrows any more
when i now know
(through painful experience)
that they usually end
with the end of some part of me.


but i have to.





I'll pick up the chains I have unwittingly forged for myself
and drag them along through the snow
as I try
just once more
to find a fire

a light that will burn away these heartless chains
and burn through my mistaken thoughts
until i can see.




but i sound like a fool again.

 

i just...



i keep losing.

things, people, choices.



i don't want to lose anymore.

i don't want to lose anything.






i just want to get out of here
but i'm afraid i've lost the key to freedom
and if i still have it
i've forgotten how it looks.





I'm so...




shattered

i guess.

 

but you've heard enough of that.