hv introductory notes.

 

 

Okay... I FINALLY got the guts to tell one of my online friends about the "voices" in my head... now I have to tell my therapist and my mom. So I'm trying to put this together as a rough draft to figure out how.


Julie information.

Julie is my oldest “headvoice,” although now we figure she lives in my stomach (we kicked her out). She’s an immoral, selfish witch who spends he time making my life absolutely miserable. Julie “formed” around 1997, when I used to have arguments with J.O. in school over petty, childish things. Instead of acting out against her, I internalized her negative influence into a blonde girl with pigtails (a reference to Angela, the brat in the Rugrats cartoon that my classmates loved and I violently loathed) that I could yell at instead. Over the years, Julie became a sort of ‘garbage dump’ for every negative influence and emotion that I didn’t want. She worked fine as a storage bin, but I never expected her to get a mind of her own and start attacking me around 2002. Since then she’s only been getting louder and stronger (her negative influence hit a high point in early 2008 when Jacob told me to try and ‘accept’ her presence—we thought it would help), and stops at literally nothing to get what she wants.
Julie is, for all technical purposes, my “id”… the collection of primal, selfish, immoral desires that all humans have through childhood and typically learn to repress. An id never truly goes away though… so I’m trying to destroy what outlets and means she has to get at me in the meantime (It’s hard, though, because a good deal of her outlets are things I CAN’T destroy, like other people).
Her color is pink. She always wears a two-piece outfit of said color, usually in the most immodest style possible, which, due to my genophobia, doubles my anxiety whenever she’s around. Julie is also Laurie’s archenemy, not only by moral choice but also by psychological “law” (id vs. superego). The two are almost always fighting—but although Julie doesn’t always fight back, she doesn’t ever die. Laurie could run a chainsaw through her skull and ten seconds later Julie would be back on her feet, skull intact. To make things worse, Julie’s body is apparently made of ‘shadow,’ meaning that she can freely manipulate it in whatever ways she chooses. She tends to use this skill to extend her arms and fingers into deadly knives before slicing into Laurie with them.
Laurie and I aren’t her only targets, though. Julie has been attacking Selph as well for about two years. She has tried to attack Laurie and Chaos in the past, but she’s actually deathly afraid of Laurie, and Chaos has a personality that can be strikingly similar to that of our favorite violet maniac. However, that doesn’t mean Julie ignores them. She also has shape shifting powers due to her strange body composition, and frequently uses this ability to disguise herself as Chaos, JMC, and countless others just to screw with my head.


Laurie information.

Laurie is my favorite headvoice, so to speak, even if we don’t always get along very well. I first met her in a dream back in autumn 2006: I was walking through an empty, dimly lit hallway when I saw my reflection in a circular wall mirror—and it started talking to me. It not only told me that I was dreaming, but that I could easily wake up if I wanted to. Somewhat frightened, I asked the reflection what its name was (it apparently wasn’t me), and after a few tries it finally replied “Laurie.” I woke up then, but that’s not when Laurie started showing up in my head. That happened several months later, when a random dream review on my part inspired me to look and see if she existed in real life. To my surprise, she did—but I didn’t expect her to be so vicious. Laurie took it upon herself to berate & punish me for every wrongdoing, screaming at me all the while, often swinging her trademark purple axe-blade. She hated my mistakes, and back then she hated me just as much. It wasn’t until I started talking to her around 2008 that the two of us began to understand each other better, eventually forming a shaky partnership, and then a genuine friendship—although she never once relinquished her role or abrasive personality. However, she needs to be that way: Laurie is technically my superego.



This was straight from what I told my friend...

"If you read my most recent Xanga entry, then you have a slight idea of who Julie is. She's been around since I was 7 or so, honestly... and she's pure negative. Always taunts me and tries to screw up what I'm thinking and feeling with false motives. I've learned to ignore and resist her, but in the past she caused me a lot of pain.
Also in my Xanga, in earlier entries, a girl named Laurie shows up. She's been around for about three years, tops, and calls herself my "psycho superego." Laurie fits the role perfectly-- she absolutely hates Julie, and although she does keep me on track, she can be horribly aggressive and hurtful to me as well. I don't mind having her around, though.
There's a new girl named Lynne. I don't know who or what she is, but she shows up once in a while to do Laurie's job without the malice. Kind of like a big sister figure, I can't help but think... but I rarely ever see her so I can't say anything.
Then there's my reflection, named Natalie. She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute.

Those are my only headvoices, but I have several others who stop by once in a while to help me and the like, although they're not part of me in that sense--- like Selph and Chaos Zero. Selph's a special case, as he follows me around outside my mind on a daily basis. He's the closest thing I have to a physical conscience (I'm my own actual conscience), and never stops trying to get me to honestly "know myself." He means a heck of a lot to me. If you've read his bios that I've posted and/or my LJ and Xanga entries with him, you'll have a good idea what I mean (Ditto that second list with Chaos and everybody else).

Well... I'm sorry about all this. I really am a mess, and I don't mean to scare you or get you all insanely worried. But it does need to be said, and I wouldn't dare hide anything from you guys, especially if you were dying to know."