The knives aren't sharp enough

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON) CHAOS ZERO SELPH

 

February 2008 was the worst, it seems.

I hear you. 2008 was horrible.

April 2009 isn't turning out very well either, it seems.

You kidding me? Every day is progressively worst than the one before it, and I don't care what month it is.

Your life is agonizing, right?

That's what I said.

I believe it. Especially with what Julie did to you today.

Don't-- don't even bring that up. I ended up taking my rage out on my Psychology textbook, but it asked for it.

You're really beginning to hate Psychology, huh?

I don't hate it, but I'm beginning to highly dislike it for the same reasons I dislike biology.

Three guesses what that is.

Oh, you don't even need to guess.

So... you're pulling a Johnny-nighter?

I don't know. All I know is that Coldplay is going to be my #1 band on Last.fm now because this song is perfect late-night music, hands down.

Thank Dori for that one.

Dorris... yeah. I miss her. I miss her so much.

Do you now?

Yeah, I do now. I... I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk about a lot of things, it seems.

Well, it's been rough.

Life's rough, kid. Get used to it.

I don't want to get used to this.

Could've fooled me, since you repeatedly refuse to do a bloody thing about it.

Watch it, Laurie.

Well hey. There you are.

Sorry we're late.

I didn't know you were seriously going to join in this conversation.

I want to know what the heck you were doing earlier that Selph was telling me about.

What?

Cutting your chest. What the heck were you doing?

Oh ho ho, he saw you doing that?

Wait, you mean she's done this before?

No, she's never had the guts to. I just wasn't aware that Selph was watching.

Of course he was watching, I always have him watch me.

Except when it matters.

Ouch.

Damn it, I said I was sorry.

Watch your mouth, you whore!

Stop calling her that! Seriously, what gives you the right to spit those words at her every time she does something wrong?

She wants punishment, and it's the truth. You don't see the things I see.

I... Jewel, what did you do?

What do you mean, what did I do?

What happened?

...I just want my gas mask.

Good luck getting it now, jerk.

Laurie!

What? What the heck's your problem?

My problem is you. Right now, my problem is you. Jewel is my soulbond, you know, and if you're going to be screwing around with her like this, then--

The only person screwing your girl is that bitch in the back room. Maybe you should take this up with her?

...Is that what's going on?

Yeah. That is damn well what's going on.

...Jewel.

What?

You never told me about this.

I didn't want you to know.

Why didn't you want me to know?

Listen, I didn't even tell Selph about this. I haven't told my parents, I haven't told my counsellors, I haven't told anyone and now here I am, writhing in a freaking pit of blood and spikes, trying to breathe and failing, while the entire time I have this devil with pigtails trying to screw me whenever I get hopeless enough to close my eyes! I am so sick of this, Chaos! You're wondering about the chest-cutting earlier? I just want to have some sort of sign, some form of control over this madness, however small and brief, because if I don't then I'm going to lose my mind for real this time, and that won't be good for anyone. The only problem is, none of the knives are sharp enough. None of the knives will ever be sharp enough, because cutting isn't doing me any freaking good, it's only reminding me that unless I bite the bullet and let a surgeon do the job then I'm going to keep suffering through this agony and breaking down in sobs and furious headfights every time I look in the mirror or hear someone refer to me with a feminine pronoun! It's too much, and I've had it. I've had it. I need freedom, I don't just want it. I need it or I am going to die.

If you don't stop swearing, I swear I'm going to spit more blood into your face until you shut up. You're not the only one dying here.

...Jewel, I'm scared.

You're not the only one. Seriously, J, why haven't you told anyone about this?

Simple. One, anyone here that knew about it would throw me into a mental hospital or completely misunderstand my explanation. Two, anyone upstairs would only start to panic, and three, I can't think straight, I have no idea what I'm saying, it's hard to type on a Mac and I haven't had the opportunity to tell anyone yet. I thought 24 days would save me.

25 days now, you whore. You lost.

I didn't lose.

You did. You lost fair and square, you gutless wretch.

I did not lose.

Don't give me that, you bloody hypocrite, you know exactly what happened--

You know what, Laurie? Just stop. She's not in a stable enough condition to argue with you.

Stop calling me a girl.

Wh-- who, me?

Yeah. Please. Don't put me through that.

...Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I... I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. Do you have any idea how Selph looked when he came running to me earlier? He was crying his eyes out. If what you're going through is enough to make him feel like that, I should under no circumstances be making it worse.

It's okay.

Jewel. Stop. It's not okay. Is this what you're doing with Julie?

No.

Yes it is, and you know it.

It is not.

Don't lie to me!

Laurie! Don't hit her!

She deserves it, for all the shit she's done! ...I'm sorry, did I say 'she?' I meant 'it,' you bloody anomaly. What the heck is wrong with you? Why can't you ever listen to me? Do you want this to happen?

No. I don't want it.

Then stop listening to that perverted slut and listen to me. Ignore her, fight her, do whatever the heck you have to do, but we are getting that freaking gas mask and we are going to beat her once and for all, do you hear me?

Yeah. I just want my surgery.

...I know you do. I just don't know how the heck to get it.

Jewel, please, what is going on?

I don't know.

She's disconnected.

She's unhinging?

You could put it that way, yeah. She's very unstable right now. I doubt she can even think straight.

Is she going to be okay?

She should be... but I don't know anymore.

...

Stop saying 'she.'

Oh come on, it isn't going to bother her that much, is it?

You know her better than I do, and yes it does.

Pff... then what are we going to call this thing?

I don't know. Just... I don't know. Don't hurt her anymore, okay?

Fine.

I think she should get some sleep...

Yeah, she's supposed to have the sandman's job now, from what I heard.

Wait, what?

Sandman?

Notice the masculine ending, there.

Yeah, I'm noticing it, I'm noticing it.

She had a dream last night about the sandman teaching her his job or something. I heard it was pretty cool.

It was awesome.

Are you all right now?

Are you okay?

Selph, don't panic.

I'm not panicking. I'm not panicking.

Yes you are.

...Okay, I am. But I can't help it. I'm scared, Jewel. You keep telling me these things and I can't stop them, and now I... now I feel worthless. I can't even protect you.

Selph...

I can't even protect her, Chaos! I'm in the same room as her and I can't even save her! Do you have any idea how worthless that makes me feel?

...

Wow.

Selph, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

I know you are. Just don't do it again.

I can't promise you that. It's not my choice.

How is it not your choice? This is willpower we're talking about here, jerk, not coercion.

Ever hear of primitive human instincts? I hate this with a passion, Laurie. The thought of suicide has literally passed through my mind several times today, and that's not even an option. I want to be free of this so badly, but I think I'm stuck.

I just told you, you've got to be stronger. You've gotta fight that bitch.

I was fighting her, and for twelve solid days I was in the lead, and then she went and sniped me from behind.

Eh... you still could have stopped her.

I like to think so, but I can't be sure. All I know is that once my humanity snaps back into place, I'm not only furious and humiliated, but I'm shattered. I break down in tears, I start to abuse myself. I don't even know why it all happens, because it makes no sense. I don't want it, I never do, and yet I keep finding myself there.

I still say you get your gas mask.

I am getting my gas mask, regardless of whatever happened today. It's my first ticket out of here.

You know, what is it with this gas mask you keep talking about wearing? Are you buying one?

Yes, and not just because it's awesome. It'll also keep me from biting, bingeing, talking like an idiot all day, getting distracted too badly, and identifying myself with the face in the mirror.

The Rorschach principle again.

Essentially.

I'm sure you'll look nice in it.

I hope so, I'm going to wear it all the time!

Your parents are going to kill you.

Don't you laugh at me now, Laurie, this is your idea too.

I know, I just thought it was funny.

You still bleeding?

Here, take a look.

Ech... geez. Sorry about that.

S'all right. It'll go away if you watch your mouth.

I hope I can do that.

You can, if you stop stealing my job.

Oh, the absorption thing.

Yeah. The absorption thing. Stop.

I'll try.

Make sure.

I will.

Guys, can we really wrap this up? It's almost 2AM and Jewel needs sleep.

I need an escape.

Then go find one.

This is one.

One that doesn't involve staying up all night.

Oh. Okay.

Jewel, are you going to be okay?

I hope so. I just have to do a lot of praying and begging for forgiveness--

Again.

Again-- because I've been reading a lot of apocalyptic stuff lately and it is scaring me to death. I'm nowhere near the perfect person people think I am, and from what I can figure I'm at a pretty high risk for damnation, and I don't want that. That's the one thing I'm scared of more than anything, so I have to work hard to fix that.

Killing Julie would fix that immediately.

Hey, you give me the money for surgery, I'll go fix that right now. Seriously, I don't care what time it is.

Ahaha, I hear ya! And I'd give you the money but I'm broke. I don't have a job, you know.

Neither do I.

I don't either.

Yes you do-- look, you're my superego, you're my soulbond, and you're my muse. There you go. You get paid in love and weird late-night conversations that do more harm than good, and I'm sorry.

Sorry for what, trying to do better?

Yeah, that's what counts.

I know that, but I'm really tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I wake up in the morning and know that today's going to be even harder than yesterday, and every time I'm right. I'm telling you, it's getting to be very hard just dragging myself out of sleep in the morning.

You'd rather be a sandman.

Ah, he's a nice guy. I should look for him in my dreams again tonight. That or you guys.

Look for us.

Yeah, you still haven't gotten me my bishop's chair!

Oh yeah, that's our running goal. Okay, I'll keep an eye out.

Seriously, Jewel, remember what I said today. It's all true, no matter what.

I know. I never doubted you, not even for a second. I only doubt myself.

Why?

Because... I'm such a paradox. I make no sense. I need you, Chaos. I love you, and yet here I am saying that I don't want to be anything to anyone and vice versa even though that's nothing but a lie and I know it. Chaos, I'm so confused.

I'm not. I know the truth, and that's what matters. We'll get through this.

You know, when you say that I almost believe it.

Please do. You need to, or you'll never be able to manage this.

He's right, you know.

...Okay. I'll try.

There is no try, there is only do!

Aha, some Yoda wisdom to light up the night.

He was right too, you know.

You're awfully mellow, Laurie.

Sure I am. Julie can't touch me at 2AM.

Wait, she comes after you too?

We fight. A lot. Jewel might have to fight her physically and mentally, but I have to literally go up against her with an axe while she tries to tear out my throat with those shadow hands of hers. Which is hellish, for the record. I thought she'd be easier to kill, but no...

I guess you're really not alone then, Jewel.

I'm never alone. I just feel like it sometimes.

That's very sad, actually.

I know. I wish it wasn't true.

I wish it wasn't 2. You're going to be screaming tomorrow morning. Come on, kid. Get some sleep.

You two... I don't know.

What?

You just... one minute you're trying to tear her eyes out, and the next you've got your arm around her shoulders and you're telling her it's all going to be alright. What's with that?

Someone's gotta keep her under control, and the only person who can do that is someone who really cares. That's my job.

I thought you said you didn't have a job.

Well, I lied! Maybe if you gave me a paycheck I wouldn't lie anymore.

Oh, hush up, you.

Heheheh.

It's good to see you're getting along, though.

Yeah, at one time we really hated each other.

I never hated you.

Maybe, but I sure didn't like you and all your mistakes. I warmed up to you pretty fast, though.

I'll never forget that time you hugged me.

...Yeah. That was a pretty rough day.

We've had a lot of rough days.

We've all had our share of rough days together.

Mm-hmm.

Well, time for sleep.

You said it!

Yeah, Jewel, you need recovery time.

I'm doing what I can.

That's what counts.

I love you.

...I love you too. I'm sorry.

For what?

For... for not being there.

When?

When all this was going on. Selph was there, but... but I should have been there. Maybe I could have helped.

You were around me all day, and that helped more than you know. It's okay. I'll make it through this.

You finally think so?

Yeah. It's the least I can do.

Well, good night, guys. She's starting to fall asleep at the computer. It's kind of funny.

Keep this good attitude for a while, will you, Laurie? It's kind of surreal to see you acting nice, but I prefer it over the axe-swinging days.

They both have their good points. Hey, keep Julie away from me and my girl and you won't have to worry about me getting pissed off.

Not a girl.

Whatever you are, my ego.

Eh, that works.

Uh, Selph already left.

Yeah, he's standing behind me.

Behind us, you mean.

I guess I should be leaving, then.

I'll miss you.

...

Ssh, don't worry about her. She's still kind of unhinged, remember?

All right... just take care of her for me, okay?

Oh no no no, you take care of her for me. You have no idea how much she cares about you, do you?

...I have a slight idea.

Well, you should have a bigger idea because you are always on her mind, I swear. Julie tries to use you against her, but honestly, J here is pretty vehement with keeping you out of it. You should be proud of her.

I am. I just wish she would keep herself out if it.

Yeah, I hear you, I hear you.

Pronouns, guys.

We'll worry about pronouns tomorrow, 'it.' Now, I am going to drag you off to sleep because I'm tired too and I'm still bleeding from my mouth.

How long is that going to take to heal?

Ask your kid here, it's his-her-it's decision.

All right, all right. See you tomorrow.

Yeah, nice talkin' to ya.

Good night, Chaos.

See you, Jewel. ...I'll miss you too.

Mmf.

He's a pretty nice guy.

Pretty nice?

Well, that could be an understatement.

That's like saying you're pretty violent.

Hey, I'll give you a demonstration if you don't get to sleep!

Okay, okay. Thanks, Laurie.

Anytime and everytime, kid. See you in the morning.

It's already morning.

Exactly!