081326

[prismaticbleed]

Cutting down to 1550K today.
Want to try 1300 tomorrow, maybe less.
I want to be poor & small so badly.


MISSED THE BUS BECAUSE THE TEXT SAID IT WAS DELAYED AND IT WASN'T
WALKED TO CHURCH INSTEAD!!! ❤❤❤❤
THANK YOU GOD NOW I KNOW I CAN DO IT

MIMIC COLOR ROSARY
Thanking God for his "second chance at life"
"God will use you to help Him save others, too, if you let Him"

Realized that I'm "pulling a KORBAN" with this E.D.U. & vocation obsession???
WHAT IF I REALLY AM ACTUALLY THE GERASENE?????
WHAT IF GOD ACTUALLY WANTS ME TO STAY HERE AND EVANGELIZE MY FAMILY INSTEAD OF A HOSPITAL WARD????
WHAT IF GOD ACTUALLY WANTS ME TO GO HOME AND CARE FOR MY AGING MOTHER INSTEAD OF JOINING A CONVENT????
THIS IS TERRIFYING BUT IF IT IS GOD'S WILL THEN THY WILL BE DONE


This also means I CANNOT BE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT SO I GET "SICKER & SMALLER & WEAKER & POORER"
IF GOD WANTS ME TO TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY THEN I NEED TO MAN UP AND GET STRONGER AND STOP BEING SUCH A SELFPITYING FOOL
or is this just arrogant pride talking?
SHOULD I be more like Saint Francis and Saint Clare, and be MORE ascetic for love of God?
BUT YOU'RE NOT CUTTING CALORIES "FOR LOVE OF GOD" YOU MORON
YOU WANT TO WASTE AWAY SO THAT YOU CAN DIE.
ADMIT IT.
THAT'S WHY YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL "FOR A LONG TIME."
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO KEEP LIVING.
THAT'S THE DEVIL TEMPTING YOU AND YOU NEED TO FIGHT HIM

PRAY TO SAINT ELIJAH AND SAINT PAUL
EAT THE BREAD GOD GIVES YOU OR YOU WON'T MAKE THE JOURNEY TO HIM (1 KINGS 19:4-8)
EAT THE BREAD GOD TELLS YOU TO OR YOU WON'T SURVIVE THE STORM ON THE WAY TO WITNESS TO HIM AND SERVE OTHERS (ACTS 27:23-36)

MAXIMUM PRECIOUS BLOOD. I honestly could not have swallowed any more. It did so much good for my heart. How do I explain it?
VERY WEIRD HOST. Smaller, yellowish, hard! Unusual taste too. Took this as SPECIAL because I made the huge effort to get there today and receive Him.
Did NOT soften. Good. That way He will stay with me longer

Adoration distraction due to the "manic success" curse kicking in again
"What MORE things can I push myself to do since I'm apparently invincible"???
I HATE this

Resulted in BIBLE STUDY SCRUPULOSITY PANIC when I got home.
Texting choir director for help =
"...quick question because I don't trust my own mind on this = the local church is having a Bible study session at 630pm today. But I don't know if I should go or not, Because it would involve walking that whole mile at night (mostly uphill). But I feel like God wants me to go and if I don't I'm going to be disobeying Him. I keep asking for "signs", but I don't know how to tell what I'm seeing or hearing is true, or just my own mind.
So I'm reaching out to you for help in discerning this wisely."
"My real problem though is that, although I think I feel like my body is too weak, and needs to rest, I strongly feel like acknowledging this and staying home is being an unfaithful slothful coward, when rather I "should be" willing to suffer the physical effort & sacrifice of time for God. This sounds like scrupulosity but I cannot tell what is truly right and just. Like if I DON'T go, that's effectively saying "I don't love God enough to suffer for Him"."

The biggest and most shameful question here =
Am I pushing myself to do this FOR PURE LOVE OF GOD, or because =
1. I want to burn more calories by walking
2. I want to prove I'm not a weakling and a coward
3. I want to "teach people" at the study
4. I want to be seen there as "proof of my devotion to God"
5. I want to be seen walking there as "proof of how much I'm willing to endure for God"
This is all pride.
You stupid fool. You SHOULD stay home JUST AS PUNISHMENT.

...his reply is notable. (emphasis mine)
"I encourage you to trust my judgment on this. It is nothing but scrupulosity. I would say there would be MORE culpability if you were to FORCE yourself to go WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE TO and ENDANGER YOUR HEALTH.
We will never love God enough and we will never suffer enough for our sins, which is why He paid the infinite price. All He asks us to do is to accept the suffering that HE permits to come to us and in your case, that is the suffering of DENYING YOUR WILL and ACCEPTING THE FACT that YOU NEED TO REST AND NOT TAKE ON ALL OF THESE EXTRA THINGS."

...in light of all this, I've reluctantly pushed my calories back up to at least 1600.
It's shameful & humiliating. I feel so dirty & wrong & weak & gluttonous & godless.
But Father P said "I FORBID you to fast" under sacramental solemnity and my conscience keeps pricking me that even if I'm still eating two small meal, slashing calories with the intention to become thinner as a result STILL counts as "fasting" in my disordered circumstances.

God directly speaking to my immediate struggles through YouTube again
https://youtu.be/MB-AwmcRFOk?is=Rpx_SkluOikciAk_
https://youtu.be/HjJSPpt83sA?is=mAcGjcfagEhTZqO6
https://youtu.be/ZjfJ9Md2FdI?is=71Xfq55aiVSEPoRO
Gutpunches, utterly unexpected. Convicting in such sharpness.
How ironic, as it all speaks of God's Love. That's the core of my problem. I receive it all through this filter of self-condemnation and I miss the whole point all over again. I am such a fool.
That's proof, too.
Humility actually cannot coexist with hatred, you realize.


Evening =
Well, as it turns out, my BODY is saying "NO" to walking to the Bible study.
I forgot how WEAK and CONFUSED and SORE I get after I eat dinner. (How do I forget every day, that's insane, am I still dissociating that bad and never realized it???)

At least now I can get more religious archiving & typing done and GET TO BED EARLY FOR ONCE THANK GOD!!!!


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https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/cgt/hebrews-11.html

...“the visible world did not derive its existence from anything phenomenal.” ...This verse... strikes the KEYNOTE OF FAITH by shewing that its FIRST OBJECT MUST BE a DIVINE AND INFINITE CREATOR.
[I was actually thinking about this as I walked to church today, reflecting on how "survival brain" made me blind to eternity, and wondering "how does the natural world witness to unseen realities anyway?" But as I looked at the trees and flowers in their elegant shapes and colors, and at the cloudy sky with its beautiful forms, and even at the little birds and their delicate and perfectly designed little bodies... I realized, this doesn't happen at random. There MUST be a Source of the pattern. How else would a tree "know" to grow with such finesse, to exhibit such glory? How else would the clouds "know" to take on such objectively lovely shapes, to reflect such wonderful hues? Where does the "blueprint" for a bird come from– its wings, its bones, its song? And HOW does ALL this appear AS PATTERNS– trees and rivers and blood vessels and lungs and lightning? (And of course the affectionately infamous "crab" argument of "convergent evolution"!)
There MUST be an OBJECTIVE TRUTH beneath ALL of it, a DEEPER REALITY from which this one blooms.
The only logical explanation whatsoever is that there MUST be an Intelligent Designer– a Divine Artist and Architect and Engineer– not only full of Wisdom and Knowledge, but BEING those very things as their DEFINITION. God IS Beauty itself. God IS Goodness itself, the way all created things have their purpose and it all works together in miraculous harmony. The oceans feed the skies and the clouds feed the trees and the plants feed the birds and the birds feed the animals... even the stars feed the earth, and the earth feeds the people, and it all comes from God, the true Bread of Life, the Eternal Unseen Life that ALL temporal visible life NECESSARILY witnesses to. IT COULDN'T EXIST OTHERWISE (CCC 338).
...This all hits the absolute hardest when you realize that God created it all specifically for love of us (CCC 293-294, 315, 319). God made the entire cosmos for the sake of humanity (CCC 280, 288, 299, 356, 358), specifically AS HIS CHURCH (CCC 759-760). This is mindboggling but it is TRUE, and the PROOF of it is in the very MEANS– God CREATED it all, and SUSTAINS it all, THROUGH JESUS CHRIST (CCC 291, 301, 320; John 1:1-4, Hebrews 1:2-3, 1 Corinthians 8:6, Colossians 1:15-17), the Only Son He specifically sent to become a man and die to save us from sin so that we could live with Him forever, AS the Church (CCC 763), IN that eternal unseen invisible reality where ALL earthly truth and beauty has its origin and end (CCC 302), and the destiny of mankind is fulfilled (CCC 772-773, 778). And ALL of this MUST ALSO be part of our faith in God and in Jesus.
May we remember these truths whenever we look at Creation, and recognize not only the beautiful glory and wise goodness of our Creator within it, but also the infinite love He has for us little humans specifically, and the astonishing destiny He has created us for, not only because He has given us this cosmos as a gift and inheritance, but because He has done so through uniting Himself with us in Jesus Christ, making us into His Body the Church, and thus making us more glorious and beautiful than anything we can see around us, for we, by faith, have eternal life, through God's eternal Love.
It's ineffable. I cannot properly put it into words. It can only be truly known by the heart.]
(Also consider Isaiah 40:12-14 + 1 Corinthians 2:9-16 + Ephesians 3:16-19 together on this topic)

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟...We may naturally infer that Abel’s was a more CAREFULLY-CHOSEN and VALUABLE offering, [specifically and honestly choosing the BEST he could possibly give in quality (not "cutting any corners," adhering to the highest standards without exceptions), AND in worth, of BOTH "market value" AND "personal value" surely. Abel "gave what hurt to lose"– because fallen human ego wants to keep the best for itself, because it fears that anything less "won't be good enough" to "provide for my needs"? It wants to "hoard" for security, it fears that "letting go" of even a little will result in destitution, it refuses to share because "there isn't enough for the two of us," etc. It's ultimately all survival based, and it's all the result of faithless distrust in God’s Providential Love– and the very "pain" that this self-denying offering caused was already a "proof" of its "righteousness" (1 Chronicles 21:23-24), because that is the nature of the Cross (Genesis 22:2).
🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤‼️‼️‼️‼️ ...but especially that it was offered in a more SINCERE and HUMBLE SPIRIT of FAITH and LOVE.
[AND THAT IS THE ONLY REASON WHY HE WAS ABLE TO CHOOSE AND GIVE WHAT WAS MOST VALUABLE TO HIM– BECAUSE, BY ITS VERY NATURE, LOVE NEEDS TO DO THAT FOR THE BELOVED.
So, if you DON'T love God, then you WON'T give Him your best, simply because you don't consider Him WORTHY of it... because TO NOT LOVE GOD IS TO LOVE SELF INSTEAD. AND THAT IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF PRIDE–THE ROOT OF ALL VICES, AND THE SIN THAT CREATED HELL.
But LOVE naturally results in HUMILITY– a loving, gentle, UNPRETENTIOUS willingness and desire to SERVE the other, to be small so that others can be great, to have less so that others can be given more, to honor and respect and cherish the other more than oneself, yet without hating oneself, because you aren't even thinking of yourself, because the "other" is ALWAYS the "BELOVED." Humility is simple and unassuming and lowly and ordinary, happily dwelling "close to the ground" ("humus") so that others can fly up to the sky, and humility REJOICES in this, because its JOY is in the joy of the OTHER, because it LOVES them. And THIS IS HOW WE MUST BE DISPOSED TOWARDS GOD, NOT ONLY BECAUSE HE IS THE HIGHEST & GREATEST & MOST DESERVING OF ALL HONOR & GLORY (AND WE ABSOLUTELY ARE NOT; WE TRULY ARE MERE "DUST" COMPARED TO HIM), BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY ACTS THIS WAY TOWARDS US, IN BECOMING HUMAN IN JESUS CHRIST, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH HE LOVES US, AND HOW MUCH HE IS WILLING AND DESIROUS TO SACRIFICE FOR OUR SAKE, SO THAT WE CAN BE "LIFTED UP" TO SHARE HIS GLORY— BUT ONLY IF WE RESPOND TO THIS IN HUMILITY, BECAUSE THAT IS HIS GLORY, BECAUSE THAT IS HIS LOVE!!!!!! AND WE CAN ONLY GET TO THAT POINT BY HAVING FAITH NOT ONLY THAT GOD IS REAL, AND THAT JESUS IS GOD, BUT ALSO (AND NECESSARILY) BY HAVING TRUST THAT GOD LOVES US, AND THAT LOVE IS DEMONSTRATED ABSOLUTELY IN JESUS CHRIST. ONLY HUMILITY CAN ADMIT THIS, BECAUSE ONLY HUMILITY CAN SEE AND ACCEPT AND ADORE THE SHOCKINGLY HUMBLE LOVE OF GOD. ONLY HUMILITY CAN LET ITSELF BE LOVED LIKE THAT, AND THEREFORE BE GRACIOUSLY ENABLED TO RESPOND IN KIND (1 John 4:19)... by SACRIFICING OURSELF FOR HIM, TOO (Matthew 16:25, 2 Corinthians 5:15, 2 Corinthians 4:10-11, Romans 14:6-8, Galatians 2:20).
So of course ALL of this is ABSOLUTELY FATAL TO PRIDE.
TRUE HUMILITY, BEING BORN OF LOVE, CRUSHES DOWN ALL THE SELF-SERVING, BLASPHEMOUS ATTEMPTS OF PRIDE to make ITSELF greater and better and richer and more important than others, INCLUDING GOD– FOR ONLY PRIDE WOULD DARE to give God ANYTHING "less than perfect," or "of lesser value," or something "haphazardly chosen," or "any old thing," something "not that important to me," or "that I won't mind losing," or "that I can spare"!!!!!
And pride ONLY acts like that because PRIDE HAS NO FAITH. True, a proud soul MAY still believe that God exists, but A PROUD SOUL WILL NEVER TRUST GOD... and therefore, IT WILL NEVER LOVE GOD, EITHER.
Pride is also INEVITABLY a LIAR, the satanic duo. Pride CANNOT be sincere because honesty is OPENNESS, and that means VULNERABILITY, and that means TRUST, and Pride WILL NOT trust ANYONE but itself... because it DOESN'T LOVE THEM.
You see it always loops back around to the very essence of God.
This means that we can ONLY offer PROPER SACRIFICE when we offer it in the same manner as JESUS CHRIST– totally self-giving and freely willing, of highest objective worth and personal value, openly honest and deeply sincere, worshipfully humble and self-denying, moved and motivated entirely and purely by TRUST and FAITH and LOVE FOR GOD. Of course we cannot do this exactly, but by grace and the Holy Spirit we CAN always do so more and more each time we JOIN Christ on the Cross, with the fervent desire and prayer TO do so. THAT is what ALONE makes ANY of our sacrifices "acceptable to God"– and surely so too with Abel, even as the very first recorded type, the very first witness of hope, even then sharing in the promised substance by the merciful grace of faith– they MUST be offered THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, THROUGH FAITH.
This is ALSO why the HOLY SACRIFICE OF THE MASS is absolutely ESSENTIAL to the Christian life and soul, because THE EUCHARIST is the ONLY TIME that we– specifically as the baptized & faithful Church– can ACTUALLY & LITERALLY UNITE "OUR BODIES AS A LIVING SACRIFICE" (Romans 12:1, CCC 2031) TO OUR "HEAD" (Ephesians 5:23) IN HIS ETERNAL OFFERING (CCC 1366-1368). WE ARE ACCEPTED THROUGH HIM (CCC 2100).]

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️...the allusion seems to be to “the voice of his BLOOD ”... No doubt it is also meant that he speaks by his EXAMPLE, but... Philo says “Abel, which is most strange, has both been slain and lives” (Opp. i. 200). He deduces from Genesis 4:10 that Abel is still unforgotten [by men AND by God – IN TOTAL CONTRAST to what appears to be a prevailing belief that the wicked were FORGOTTEN (Exodus 32:33, Deuteronomy 29:20, Proverbs 10:7, Psalm 9:5, 34:16, 69:28,109:15), and perhaps even the dead IN GENERAL (Isaiah 26:14, Ecclesiastes 2:16, 9:5, Psalm 88:5)?????], and HENCE that the righteous are IMMORTAL. [Isaiah 41:14-15??????]
[LOOK FURTHER INTO THIS BELIEF LATER SO I UNDERSTAND IT PROPERLY]

🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 and that he IS a rewarder = Rather, “and that He BECOMES (i.e. SHEWS or PROVES Himself TO be) a rewarder.”
[This still stuns me. When we DO have faith in God, this verse is saying that God DOESN'T just "sit there silently" in response– no, He actually "BECOMES" a "rewarder" OF our faith by His OWN choice, and that "reward" is to "PROVE" to us the OBJECT of our faith???? He SHOWS Himself TO our eyes OF Faith????]

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ [Noah was] MOVED with fear = INFLUENCED [to act, specifically upon God's Word] by REVERENCE [spiritual, moral; "holy fear" of disobedience] AND GODLY CAUTION [temporal??? Yet still "godly" because still obedient TO God and oriented TOWARDS Him????]

‼️‼️‼️‼️ condemned the world = His EXAMPLE [OF LIVED-OUT FAITH] was in CONDEMNING CONTRAST with the [EQUALLY LIVED-OUT] UNBELIEF of the world (Matthew 12:41, Luke 11:31).
[WHETHER WE DO OR DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD (BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY TRUE OBJECT OF ALL BELIEF), THIS WILL BE VISIBLY DEMONSTRATED AND PRACTICED BY OUR CHOICES & ACTIONS, WHETHER WE CONSCIOUSLY REALIZE IT OR NOT???]

The patriarchs are constantly called paroikoi , “dwellers beside,” “sojourners”.
["Wheat and tares" subtle reference, if not so extreme a dichotomy? Still "heaven vs. the world" though; "people of God vs. people without God"??? The Patriarchs and their families WERE the "early church" in a real sense; there has ALWAYS been a mix of the faithful and the faithless, all the way back to Cain and Abel.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤ builder and maker = Rather, “ARCHITECT and builder"... God is called the “Architect” of the Universe in Wisdom 13:1...
[LET ME QUOTE ALL OF THIS BECAUSE IT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE DISCUSSING EARLIER!!!! =]
Wisdom of Solomon 13:1-9
"Yes, naturally stupid are all who are unaware of God, and who, from GOOD THINGS SEEN, have not been able to discover HIM-WHO-IS, or, by studying the WORKS, have not recognised the ARTIFICER.
Fire, however, or wind, or the swift air, the sphere of the stars, impetuous water, heaven's lamps, are what they have held to be the "gods" who govern the world.
If, charmed by their BEAUTY, they have taken THESE for gods, let them know HOW MUCH THE MASTER OF THESE EXCELS THEM, since HE WAS THE VERY SOURCE OF BEAUTY THAT CREATED THEM And if they have been impressed by their POWER and ENERGY, let them DEDUCE from these how much MIGHTIER is HE THAT HAS FORMED THEM, since THROUGH THE GRANDEUR AND BEAUTY OF THE CREATURES WE MAY, BY ANALOGY, CONTEMPLATE THEIR AUTHOR.
Small blame, however, attaches to them, for perhaps they go astray only in their SEARCH for God and their EAGERNESS to FIND him; FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORKS, they INVESTIGATE them and FALL VICTIM TO APPEARANCES, SEEING SO MUCH BEAUTY.
But even so, they have no excuse: if they are CAPABLE of ACQUIRING ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE to be ABLE to INVESTIGATE the world, HOW HAVE THEY BEEN SO SLOW TO FIND ITS MASTER?")

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ They "received" the promises in one sense: AS Promises; but had not yet entered upon their FRUITION.
[This is actually a very notable point! God gives ONCE; He makes the Promise and so it IS "received"; the "possession" of it IS true, even if only in WORD; just because they don't have the "tangible historical fulfillment" of it YET doesn't mean they don't "HAVE" it in the Promise itself. It's STILL THEIRS, and guaranteed; the point I'm making is that in a sense, the invisible reality is more important than the visible actualization. Yes the Promises are MEANT to be fulfilled in time & space– that's WHY God gave them CONCERNING such things; He is NOT deceptive– but they ALWAYS ALSO have a SPIRITUAL component that transcends & surpasses their historical fulfillment, and that component is ALWAYS CHRIST, Who is the FOCAL POINT OF ALL HUMAN HISTORY (CCC 668, 759) and the REASON FOR CREATION ITSELF (CCC 280, 381). And even now we haven't "received" the full fruition– that still awaits the Second Coming! And yet, IN FAITH, and THROUGH THE PROMISES OF SCRIPTURE, we HAVE "received" those future realities AS real, and so we DO rejoice IN their reality, even if we don't get to see it with our earthly eyes!]

🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ that they seek a country = Rather, “that they are seeking FURTHER after a NATIVE land.” Hence comes the argument of the next verse that it was not their OLD home in Chaldea for which they were yearning, but a [NEW and] HEAVENLY native-land [since, after having been called OUT of the world by God, and thus having come into a "new life" of FAITH, they DIDN'T have a "homeland" on earth anymore!! Their SEEKING was therefore the LOGICAL RESULT of this situation!!]

...the faith and hopes of the Patriarchs reached BEYOND mere temporal blessings.
...they desire = The word means, “they are yearning for,” “they stretch forth their hands towards.”
[Notably the word often used for "stretch"-- "natah"-- is ALSO used for pitching tents, inclining ears, and turning hearts. That is, spiritually, exactly what these faithful men were doing; they turned their hearts away from the world to turn towards God, they inclined their ears to His Voice, and their souls made their home with Him, wherever He led them-- and, of course, ultimately to Heaven itself, to dwell with Him forever.]

✝️✝️✝️💔💔💔But they NEVER [EVEN] ATTEMPTED to return to Mesopotamia, because they were HOME-SICK for HEAVEN.
[...is this what I'm actually feeling deep inside, with all this sad lonely tired aching yearning, and I'm not recognizing the truth of it?]
[God why do I still feel like I don't know what heaven is enough to truly be homesick for it? What am I missing? Why am I so blind? I'm scared. Help me to see. Please. Help me to stop feeling so homeless.]