---

[prismaticbleed]

 

We couldn't go to midnight Mass this year due to mental + physical illness & lack of transportation, plus our choir director specifically told us we should "take a break." 

But we stayed alive all year JUST so we could get to this Mass and... now we can't. We're gutted. 

How much more are we going to lose, God? 

I already attempted suicide tonight. I can't take this anymore. Laurie & Wreckage stopped me thank God but I give up. I still want to die. 

All year, I fought to stay alive. And for what? God took this last hope, this last joy, from me too. There's nothing left. Why even try anymore? 

I know this sounds dramatic. I don't care. It's honest. I want to die. I feel utterly rejected by God. I feel like I've been definitively excluded from heaven. My life is hell already. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. There's nothing left to live for. I'm too damaged. I'm too sick. I've lost too much. I give up. 

Pray for me, anyway, please. I want to sob. I see no light on the horizon anymore. It's just darkness. 

 

Comments

[synecdoches]

I'm sorry to hear this, truly. It sounds like your choir director asked you to take a break because they want to keep seeing you next year. I'd like to keep seeing you here next year, too. I hope you found a way to feel the Spirit on Christmas night. I hope you find a way to keep feeling connected to God and your congregation, even when you can't be there in person. I pray St. Jude travels with you.

--Paul

[prismaticbleed]

Thank you, Paul. We've been thinking about this comment for the past three days, and we deeply appreciate the compassion. Our choir director knows we struggle with scrupulosity and overworking ourselves; he indeed likely was just taking that into account so we wouldn't crash and burn. Ironically we still did-- I think part of us felt it was obligatory. We struggle with that.

Nevertheless, if anything is going to make us feel connected to God it's each other, here in this System of ours. We know this acutely, achingly so. We need to remember that. God works in strange & mysterious ways, they say, and we're a prime example of it.

Saint Jude is one of our patrons, actually. We've always been labeled the "impossible cause" in life so if anyone's going to intercede for us it's him. Thank you for your prayers too.

...Saying you hope to see us next year means more than we can say. We're not used to people outside caring if we live or die, and to have such a sentiment given from a fellow member of a System... it's significant. It matters, a lot.

We wish you and yours a happy new year too. We'll fight to stick around, we promise.