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[prismaticbleed]

 

We couldn't go to midnight Mass this year due to mental + physical illness & lack of transportation, plus our choir director specifically told us we should "take a break." 

But we stayed alive all year JUST so we could get to this Mass and... now we can't. We're gutted. 

How much more are we going to lose, God? 

I already attempted suicide tonight. I can't take this anymore. Laurie & Wreckage stopped me thank God but I give up. I still want to die. 

All year, I fought to stay alive. And for what? God took this last hope, this last joy, from me too. There's nothing left. Why even try anymore? 

I know this sounds dramatic. I don't care. It's honest. I want to die. I feel utterly rejected by God. I feel like I've been definitively excluded from heaven. My life is hell already. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. There's nothing left to live for. I'm too damaged. I'm too sick. I've lost too much. I give up. 

Pray for me, anyway, please. I want to sob. I see no light on the horizon anymore. It's just darkness.