sept 23 2015

[prismaticbleed]

a nicer entry.


A little thought : if you want me to fall in love with you, sing.
I'm not talking about performance. I'm talking about singing from your heart, as small or as quiet as that needs to work, singing more to the song itself than to anything outside yourself. Don't sing to me. Don't sing to anyone but your own soul. Sing like no one is listening; don't make it a show. Just sing. And I'll fall in love with you in that.

Remember, when Bakura first joined us in headspace, what was the first thing he did? He used his new Sky-energy resonance to sing.

But Ryou was always up on stage. The real fragile one was always Chaos 0, who learned how to sing before he learned how to talk-- fumbling with spoken words but finding it so much easier when set to music, something closer to his native language, more melodic and intuitive. He'd tap into the vibes of songs and just carry them… using his mutable form to imitate styles and inflections and tones.
He sings more any other one of us, I think. It's really touching, to me.




I forgot to mention. Monday night, I think, I had a dream where the only thing I remembered upon waking is that, at some point, I was in my bedroom trying to show my mother something on the TV when my brother said to "turn on Sonic Boom," there was something that he "knew I would like." So I flicked to that channel, and immediately saw a group of Boom-style characters in Tail's plane, shouting as they were apparently "crashing" a la Sonic 3. Sonic, Tails and Knuckles were sitting up front, but Silver, Blaze, Big, and Chaos were also on it, which had me smiling immediately. My mother looked confused, but I called a quick thank-you down the hall, before laughing and saying to her that "everyone knows that if Chaos 0 is in it, I already like it."
Back on the TV, the plane had to make a water landing, and now they were all trying to dry off and get ashore (it was close). Silver was wringing water out of his hair, and Chaos was making this dramatic show of 'drying off' for fun because he's made of liquid for heavens sake, it's not going to happen. Sonic was rolling his eyes at this but Big was innocently wondering why it wasn't working.
Next thing I clearly recall is that they got "ashore" and were now in my backyard? Literally, when I saw them on the screen I got up and ran down out the hallway door, where they were coming up over the back hill. Knuckles was the first person I saw, but Chaos was standing by the butterfly bush, looking around. I stopped about 10 feet away from him, grinning. He saw me, but didn't say anything, just looked a little surprised. I wasn't sure if he recognized me in this world/timeline or not, so I just held out my arms in a "so can I hug you or what" gesture, figuring why not.
Well. At this he smiled, held out his arms in response, and actually said my name in a voice that sounded like the roll of the waves, I swear it hit me like a bell and I can still feel it.
So I got a legit hug from Chaos 0 on Monday night and I was euphoric all day despite the bad times, thanks love.
Even better? When I woke up, what do I see but him groggily smiling across from me and quietly but happily stating, "I found you."


Oh, about other Outspacers.
Rio and Markus are still in a terribly mutable state due to being unfocused for years, and coming back into a totally different System structure and trying to adhere to that as opposed to their native Heartspace… so they're going through a lot of little changes, on their own terms, as we all get a better grip on this.
Most notably lately, is that Markus seems to have switched his main color back to a brighter hue of violet. Originally his color was this, but somewhere down the line it turned to this, and since then he's been upsettingly off-kilter. The purple vibe did NOT fit him sincerely and once we all realized that he decided "well, let's just go back to what I originally settled into," and it's working.
Rio is STILL playing with his name, which I find surprising. He's never quite been happy with it? So who knows what will happen with that in the near future. There's been a massive focus on that boy lately anyway, especially since Jewel has been out a lot lately and she STILL loves him as genuinely and strongly as she did 12 years ago. So that's bringing a real glow to our heart.
…There's also been, over the past many months, odd hints that there are still potential 'open doors' for all the OLD almost-Outspacers to genuinely move into Heartspace and/or the Leagueworlds? And there's been actual movement on that front so I'll keep you posted.



In other news I'M JUST SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS COMMISSION YOU GUYS OH MY GOODNESS

This is making me want to draw. That alone is miraculous, to have that legit solid motivation. Having to write/sketch a description for Nebsy there really made me think, and want to play more with art, as I was effectively being forced to do in order for a finished product to be produced by another.

I know I've been saying this for years, but I/we need to make up our mind as to whether or not we want to pursue art currently. Yes the idealized desire is still there, but we're still unsure whether or not to strive to be a "professional" artist of any sort. Would that be in our best interest, or no? Same with music; we wonder.
But talking won't get us anywhere. We need to stop moping and contemplating, and take action here. Give it a good shot, several tries if we must, put real honest effort into it… and then see what happens.
Yes, I will admit that right now we're avoiding art because of fear, that appears to be solely rooted in "what we draw must be perfect" mindsets. However, that only seems to kick in when there's art we "have to do," when it's an obligation or assignment of sorts. Then we panic because we "need to perform perfectly" etc.
The only way to bypass that is to just start drawing, out of nowhere, for fun. Pick something and just scribble for heavens sakes. Get the spark going. Get the door open, then work from there.

We experience an odd but understandable (in light of the System) detachment from our art, especially the results of it. I can look at all the art on this computer and be impressed by it and smile at it and yet I didn't draw 99% of it. Someone else did, and regardless of their talent, regardless of the fact that they're in here and technically we could all probably tap into the talent data if we tried well enough, it still largely feels like "we didn't draw that." Like we're "incapable" of "being that good at art." What in the world is that sort of thought process? It's pure passive self-sabotage, it's awfully unhealthy, it's holding us back from success in what we want to do. That needs to be rooted out.
Like I said, talking about it won't fix it, and discussion is already making me dissociate, so I sincerely apologize.
We need the guts to just DO SOMETHING about this, regardless of the shaking teenage fear tied to it, because we have tangible proof of our ability in the face of that fear, whether or not we recognize it as OUR results. It is. That's a fact.



I'm extremely tired. We just biked for 90 minutes and I forgot how much I loved the Take Flight! musical and there's a fog halo around the moon and it's almost midnight so our Cores need to 'get to work' anyway.

Good night everyone, sweet dreams.