January 26th, 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

I slept very spottily last night, so my dream recall is iffy.

In the earliest one I remember, I was walking down the hill near our house, feeling very sick and tired and stumbling about disorientedly. There were people driving by giving me angry looks and honking horns at me, but I just wanted to get home. Apparently I was "staying with" my bro and his gf in a house down that road, as I "had nowhere else to go?" However they were not home when I walked in, and I got the strong impression that they typically weren't-- they worked all day and only came home when I was asleep, leaving before I woke up. So, to communicate, his gf would leave messages for me written in lipgloss all over the shower stall or mirror. I saw one now when I walked in there, but it said that she wanted me to watch a certain TV series so she could talk to me about it. However it wasn't watchable online, and to buy it it would be too expensive. So she wanted me to do more chores for her, which she would pay me $4 apiece for, and then I could "buy the episodes from her" to watch? Either way it got me very upset, I had no interest in the show, or the extra work for the record, with how tired I was. I closed the door and wondered what in the world was going on with my life.
I remember running down the hall, which opened onto a landing that wrapped around a stairwell going down. On the other side there was a sort of "dividing wall," apparently leading into another half of the house that was being rented by another family? I could see a man sitting on a couch watching TV there, who turned and looked at me in shock as I burst onto the landing. I saw him and quickly turned around and ran back. I don't know why I was in such a hurry, but it had to do with my feeling ill somehow.

The second dream was chopped-up because I kept waking up in 30-minute increments, and there was a lot of noise at the time.
I remember lying in bed and feeling horrifically sick, and realizing there was a hack creeping into the room. I got extremely scared because I was getting progressively more severe pain as a result, and felt too ill to get up and run, plus there were people in the house that I didn't feel safe around? Either way I felt helpless and frightened. However, as soon as I realized I was being hack-threatened, my "visuals" in-dream shifted, so I could see ghosting realms? Like overlays of people not physically there, people in headspace. Chaos Zero was sitting with me on the bed, looking extremely concerned, so I told him what was happening. He got scared-angry and tried to chase off the hack, but I told him I was already in such excruciating pain that I couldn't fight it off, and I had no strength to run. I would have no choice but to endure it. Chaos made extremely sure I wasn't dissociating and letting it hurt me even more, but all I remember is that when the hack finally hit I thought I was dying, but Chaos just wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly without a word. I remember someone tried to walk into the room in-dream around here, which was highly disorienting because the pain had me completely depersonalized and that attempt nearly yanked me back into the body-pain headfirst. So now I was shaking and very scared but Chaos wasn't saying anything, just holding me safe. I remember being momentarily confused as to why, then I realized he was intentionally being a neutral benevolent presence; he wasn't trying to redefine or re-harness the hack energy, therefore keeping himself completely separate from it. I was flooded with gratitude for that.

The last thing I remember, from a third dream, is being in the kitchen, but it was dark and looked like the kitchen from Wisconsin. My mother was there, talking to my bro Diamond, about my bro Viral. It had something to do with music, and her needing to give him information but no one could contact him? Again, I was highly disoriented and didn't feel well so it didn't register. But she left, and I think there was something with cereal boxes, before the scene shifted a little. Diamond was now sitting at the piano in the living room, and he motioned for me to sit down too, to "rehearse." So I sat to his left, and he started playing some rock tune, to which I started singing exactly like Axel Rose. It was euphoric really, to do that scratchy falsetto, so we did that for a while. Then I started plunking around on the lower keys and realized they sounded like a bass guitar line, so I started freestyling there. My bro approved and started similarly freestyling with his own falsetto vocals as an accompaniment. Either way it was awesome and I seriously enjoyed it. When we were done though, he stopped and gave me a disgusted but pitying look, shaking his head. I paused, then embarassedly asked if I smelled sweaty? He said yeah, sorry. I apologized profusely, explaining that I had been bedridden for days and couldn't help it. He said he knew, that was okay, he just didn't like it. So I got up and walked down to the bathroom to wash up, and I think that's when I woke up.

I think the most important thing to note, though, is that when I woke up for good I realized that the hack had not affected the body. That is extremely rare and profoundly relieving. So I'm deeply grateful for that, thank you CZ.