March 10th, 2014

[prismaticbleed]

 

I had at least three dreams last night, but strangely I remember very little of them... except for the last one, which stayed completely clear upon awakening. That one will be last.

Immediately before I woke up, I dreamed that I had been woken up by my grandmother, and was extraordinarily tired to the point of being almost unable to stand. I was also fighting to keep my eyes open. I was leaning against the closet doors when my grandmother said it was 12:30, and I said I'd have to leave right away for my appointment at 1PM, but with how tired I was I didn't feel safe driving alone. Almost instantly, the scene switched and I was now in a car (still driving), with my brother Diamond in the front seat. I had the impression that I had to leave him off at school or something. We were driving beneath the overpass leading to the main highway, but instead of the lumberyard that is behind it IRL, there was instead a dropoff, overlooking a valley. In the valley was a European-looking town, with windings rows of small houses and several old church steeples. There was also a heavy fog over the whole scene. However, despite the time at home having been after noon, the sun was just rising at this time, and it was coloring the entire sky a vivid pinkish red, like a rose-- but everything on land was a deep rich violet, and foggy. So the interplay of soft warm colors was really gorgeous, and stands out clearly in my mind. The sun rose a bit higher and the fog cleared almost instantly as the sun's rays hit the valley, but I woke up for good almost immediately then. Now to backtrack!
In another short dream before that one, I was in our attic, looking through huge book boxes for some unspecified title. As usual in dreams, the attic was the size of a whole other house, and stuffed to the brim with myriads of items. I remember seeing a stack of Japanese anime magazines, which I immediately noted that I "had to sell." Prior to that, I was in the kitchen, by the sink. My laptop was on the table, playing a song on Youtube that was essentially a 10-minute-long prog rock piece. Oddly, it used some sound samples from the Winnie the Pooh cartoon (a la Pogo), and it claimed the song was by Will Smith. However, this was false-- upon checking the screen, I saw that it was part of a playlist, and Will Smith had written the upcoming song. I forget the actual name of the prog rock band, but it was fictional. Regardless, the song was absolutely incredible. After it ended, I went down the hall to my brother's room, which now looked almost identical to my old work room from 2010 (when staying at my dad's place). I had my old laptop (Abby) set up beneath the windows, and sat down to type up three entries in this very dream journal-- about the dreams I had before this one, go figure, which I remembered in perfect clarity at the time-- as well as one or two updates in the System journal concerning how they related to our inner life. However, the more I tried to type, the more emotionally distraught I got, and I was having trouble concentrating; the aura was very morbid, almost identical to IJ/2009, not surprisingly considering how the house looked, and I really just wanted it to stop and be peaceful. I also have a feeling that several people were either harassing me or haunting me as there was a subtle feeling of sensory overwhelm, outside the room but huge in its weight. Either way, I didn't get to write anything as I felt both angry/sad to the point of wanting to scream and cry, and so crushingly tired that I could barely see the screen or move my hands.

 

I had two longer dreams that I'm aware of before that smattering of smaller ones, both of which involved my being injured and/or dying. One was set outside, but I cannot remember anything of it save that impression. The second was set inside, but again, I can only remember one scene.
In it, I was in some sort of room like a rented group room, the kind people hold meetings and dances in I guess. There was some sort of social function going on in this one, with everyone wearing whitish clothing (I think?) and standing around talking, almost formally. However everyone there was a teenager, and a few of them were from my old high school. I was walking around, but feeling highly dissociated. I think there were vague blue, pink, and violet lights shining around because those colors are clear in my mind, along with the gauzy obscuring white everywhere, but my self-awareness was almost zilch. There was also a small raised stage at the front of the room, with white curtains behind it, which I kept my eyes on in glimpses as I moved through the crowd, but it was empty. As I walked towards it, some short, chunky girl with a pile of curly blonde hair roughly bumped into me from the left side, talking like she was trying to greet me but smiling viciously, and as she did she reached out and slapped me on the back in face greetings. As she did I felt a sharp pain in my back, like a tiny stab. She hiss-giggled to her friend nearby and the two slinked away, but I was too dazed to react much. I moved a little, trying to figure out what that was, and felt something like a large splinter in the upper center my back, right below my shoulder blades. I knew I'd had to get it out but felt too tired to try, and hoped I could just wait until later to do so safely. So I walked around aimlessly, with people casting dark glances at me and snickering behind their hands and drinks all the while, and suddenly I got this strong impression that everyone here was part of some great group or organization, something futuristic and coldly exclusive, and that I was either a reject or a failed member of that group? I also 'knew' that the splinter-thing in my back was actually technological, basically a glass microchip a little over an inch long, and bluish-clear like the light. I also knew that it "shouldn't be sticking out like that," and the knowledge gave me a sick sort of low but panicky dread, but it was so muted by my fuzzy state of mind that I 'accepted' it like one accepts a fatal diagnosis. Anyway, I was now about 12 feet from the stage when a tall, dark-haired girl suddenly appeared in front of me, sneering. I recognized her as the girl who sat next to me in my first high school homeroom (and incidentally, the only person I clearly remember from those entire 4 years). She began talking to me in a syrupy-fake voice, asking me how I was doing, et cetera, but she was glaring at me the whole time. I didn't say anything, but then she grinned and reached over my shoulder, actually touching the edge of the splinter, then pushed down at a heavy angle. I guess she was trying to shove it in more, or cause me more pain, but instead of moving the splinter neatly broke it in half. Instantly she drew back as if she had been burnt, eyes wide and face still contorted in a slightly sick "whoa, not my fault" expression. She laughed nervously, as if she was laughing off danger; there was a charged undertone of disbelief. A few people started murmuring uneasily. I shifted uncomfortably then, aware that the splinter was broken and not liking the feeling at all, but as I did, both halves fell out and clattered to the floor. Instantly, everyone around us froze, and a sort of total hush fell over the room.
At that moment I became aware of more dream-plot. Apparently, every member of this "organization"-- or society even, it felt very broad-- had a technological splinter like this in their backs, like an identification chip. Normally though, they were perfectly flat and embedded deeply in the skin, so that they were visible and touchable but could not be jostled or otherwise removed. However, these chips were vital? "Everyone had one," and if you lost yours, or if it was broken or removed, you would die. This was not reversible; once it occurred, you were effectively dead. So I immediately understood that like a death knell, and it was apparent everyone else did too.
Fittingly, just then a wave of quiet murmurs began behind me, and the first one I heard was some girl whispering excitedly that "if you ever lose that, you die." More murmurs began, none regretful, all saying things like "I can't believe it broke," "why was s/he being so careless with it, how foolish," "that's lethal!" and then, most clearly and almost carelessly-- "well, s/he's going to die soon, but it's going to cause excruciating pain first." I felt a real jab of fear at that, but dully, and resignedly continued walking towards the stage. The girl who had hit me was still watching with that look, but now she laughed in disbelief as I moved past her, slowly walking up to the steps on the right side of the stage.
As I did, I had another rush of dream awareness, tired and sad and apologetic-- apparently, whoever I was in this dream, they were cruel. I didn't know the details, but everyone in this room obviously held a grudge and a heavy dislike of 'me,' for good reason, as I had been callous, manipulative, spiteful, et cetera. This realization was entirely in third person, and I also noticed then that the body was female, slightly heavy, and with wiry curly black hair. I knew it wasn't 'me' at all, but I still felt obligated to act on that individual's persona, as I was acutely but distantly aware every moment that I was going to start outright dying any second now. I was also aware that the crowd's mutual reaction to my situation was "oh thank God, they're finally going to die-- but how shockingly sudden a death!" It was overwhelming relief, but tainted with the sort of knee-jerk jitters of witnessing a car crash firsthand. Nevertheless I wanted to settle things a little for this person's sake, as was my nature. So, I walked up the steps to stand in the center of the stage and face the people. It was dead silent and still as I did so, and everyone watched me intently, looking completely surprised. After a moment, I began to talk. The voice sounded flat and depressed, but I was sincerely apologizing on their behalf, saying I knew I had been "terrible" to them and that there were "no excuses for my actions." I asked their forgiveness, saying that I held no ill will towards any of them, and was truly sorry that I had been such a negative entity in their lives up to this point, and only wished that I could have done something to alleviate or otherwise heal the damage I had done to them during my life. Essentially, "I know I have not been a good person, but as I'm going to die momentarily, I want to say that I'm sorry." As I spoke, I saw some faces showing empathy or softening, like they were truly accepting this, and I was subconsciously grateful. However, I felt nothing but a calmly morbid resignation at my approaching death-- which is actually perfectly typical for me in dying dreams-- and the awareness that my insides felt like the calm before a storm. As this entire time I had been "bracing for impact," afraid of the "excruciating pain" that still hadn't quite hit, I stopped speaking and paused, unsure of what to do or where to go. But, after a moment or two of charged silence, I got a sudden shock of pain in my chest, somewhat to the right. I can only describe it as feeling like a "watercolor bloom" of a diluted electric shock, like some crashing inner burst or impact that didn't quite register. I knew that was the beginning of the end, and almost immediately I felt a sort of quiet flooding in my chest, and blood began to leak from the corner of my mouth. I felt a real twinge of fear then.
The very instant that first trickle of red appeared, most of the audience took a few steps back, but one man suddenly shoved through the crowd from the very back left, obviously highly upset, and rushing to get to the stage. The instant he burst through the front row he paused, looking utterly distraught emotionally yet hesitant, and so I stepped down off the stage to lean against it, upon which he rushed up to me and grabbed my arms below the shoulders with surprising supportiveness and care. The instant he did this I felt my dream-self-image start to slowly shift, away from the unknown cruel woman (who now felt as if she was literally fading away, like a ghost freed) and towards my actual snowy-haired self. But it was distant and gradual, and felt tied to this man. Curious at why he was there, it was then that I realized this guy was decked-out like a traditional vampire, but more than anything else, he looked (and felt) overwhelmingly like Knife. Fitting this resemblance, he immediately began insisting that "I couldn't die," "there has to be some way to save you," and the like, while constantly looking all over me as if searching for something to cure or fix, yet seeming both terribly hopeful and yet aware of my lethal condition. The whole while I just watched him with a notable degree of trust and calmness-- like although I knew I would be dead soon, it would be okay now that he was here-- although I was very shaky and it was getting hard to breathe, as my mouth was full of blood and my nose was now dripping with it too. I was scared of the pain, not of dying. But his borderline-tearful insistence that he could "save me somehow" was touching, and that's when I realized, "hey wait, you're a vampire." I said this, carefully, then mused that he could drink the blood and therefore not waste it, but this made him look even sadder. So I then tiredly added, "well, you could bite me, and make me a vampire too, so I'd live... but then I'd be immortal, and I really just want to die." His reaction to this was memorably interesting. His eyes lit up at the prospect of my becoming immortal and therefore surviving, but when he realized he'd have to bite me first, he visibly balked. I got this powerful impression that not only did he not want to harm me intentionally via that act, he also didn't want this to be a sort of "feeding" thing. So he was battling with his own drive to "save me" in conflict with his refusal to harm or disrespect me. Then when I said I just wanted to die, his face absolutely crumpled. Honestly although he wasn't saying anything in terms of sentences, just sort of emotionally flailing, his thoughts were crystal clear to me (not surprisingly, as that is all textbook Knife behavior)... and I suddenly found that I deeply cared about this individual as well, to the point of compassionately not caring about what happened to me at all. I just wanted to "make my death beneficial when my life had been so malevolent." Now I had blood all over me by this point and I was really in pain, but I then realized two things-- one: that this Knife-lookalike was definitely going to bite me if it would save me, as soon as he got the nerve, and two: that the longer it took, the more pain I would suffer, because apparently splinterchip-loss death required that a body bleed out entirely before it died, and (fittingly to headspace) the more "sins" a person had committed in their life, the more blood they had to spill in atonement before they would be allowed to die. So I knew I had a hell of a lot of pain and bleeding to get through yet. I then decided that I HAD to die, if it would indeed expunge this life's wrongdoings in any way, which was a huge relief. But I had to die quick, somehow, if I wanted to override this kind vampire's fighting desire to save me.
This next bit has imprinted itself so clearly upon my memory I don't think I'll forget it. At this point I looked and felt 100% like myself, which was somewhat surreal, but comforting. I was now unable to talk and struggling to breathe from all the blood in my mouth and nose, and was slowly collapsing from fatigue and pain, so that the vampire was essentially holding me up. He was talking to people in the crowd at that moment, as a few people were drawn close about us now and he kept looking back and forth between them and me, but I couldn't make sense of any sound; my brain was basically shutting down. I genuinely smiled then, feeling total real peace for the first time in that entire dream (and the ones after), and simply raised my arms up to my chest, positioning my hands on my sternum as if I were about to open the shutters of a window. A nearby woman saw me do this before anyone else and her eyes bugged out, as she pointed and shouted not in warning, but in surprise. Everyone else stepped forward slightly then, seeing whatever I was doing, and the vampire himself whirled back around to view me with helpless dread, saying "no, don't"-- but it was too late. In one effortless movement, I tightened my "grip", and then-- for lack of a better description-- cracked my ribcage open like a book. There was a small, internal and audible "snap" as my entire chest cavity opened, utterly cleanly, as if it were built to be one day opened but it could never be re-closed afterwards, and I collapsed in the vampire's arms as an absolute deluge of blood came rushing out. Now, the body died in the instant the ribs were opened, so I had to leave it, therefore in that instant my perspective became split between both first and third person (staying inside the corpse was stifling, and literally felt like trying to possess a rock; I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, etc.). So although I could dimly feel the blood heat and total blessed slackness of my skeleton, my vision was now vividly floating about five feet behind my own head, as a 'ghost' if you will. And from there, I saw my body go limp with the ocean of red, but I also saw the vampire instantly sob openly, embrace my broken form with a powerful anguish, and bury his head in my shoulder as he cried outright. It is one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen or felt in a dream. However, at the same time I heard some woman nearby exclaim, "he broke the seal!" This was not explained and I didn't get any data on it, but it was obvious that this was virtually unheard of, and even more shocking than my splinterchip having broken to pieces. All I knew, as I had known intuitively upon doing it, that "breaking the seal" would empty all the blood from the body at once, therefore causing instant death. Disturbingly though, my body was still bleeding at such a profuse rate; it was all over the floor, and the poor vampire was getting soaked but he wouldn't let go. Someone managed to pry my body away from him (although he was still holding it up), saying "we need to close the seal" because really that was too much blood already, but no matter what they did it would not stay closed-- the circumstances of death demanded that the blood be totally expunged, and considering how the "life" I had taken on in that position had been quite the malevolent one, there was a lot of blood required by "law" and it would not be stopped, even at this great rate. However, it was now taking a freakish toll on the body (which, notably, had now returned to resembling the woman who owned it at the start)-- the mouth and nose were still bleeding, but now so were my ears, and my eyes had turned totally red and were now starting to actually spurt blood from some sort of internalized pressure. At this, the vampire turned and started shouting for everyone to "get out of here," which many people already were. Most of the crowd was running for the doors, but the room itself was changing, getting darker and smaller and actually starting to resemble my IRL kitchen. Either way, it was imperative that everyone but the vampire evacuate, or they would be at risk of dying too, somehow, from whatever the body needed to do at the close of this bloody expulsion. The last thing I saw was the last handful of people either hesitating or running from the room, and the vampire nervously but solemnly looking back down at the corpse, which was now quite a nightmarish sight. I had the strong notion that he was going to end up drinking most of that blood, but not simply to "eat" it-- there would be some important purpose in the act, which was unexplained. Then the scene switched, to what I don't know, but that was it.


I daresay I don't have to point out the blatant and unsettling headspace symbolism in that latter account. Considering how bizarre and frightening the past week has been for us, that does not surprise me, but it does disquiet me.
I have not yet told Knife about this dream but I will have to, whenever I get the chance and the nerve to. In any case I am sure he will have some additional insight about it.