062413

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

(not j again, no idea if he will ever come back, who even cares)


things that i cannot deal with anymore:

depression
manic outbursts
hyposensitive to taste sight and smell
hypersensitive to things touching me or making noise
bulimia
body/gender dysphoria
dissociation
paranoia and delusions
not being able to fall asleep
time makes no sense
not being able to care for the body
self-abuse
constantly planning suicide

just had another binge session thanks to anxiety, can't vomit anymore
already self-abusing from the screaming pressure that stupid move triggered in my head
but our jaws were hurting and someone decided to eat instead of bite, stupid

fun fact: eating carbs effectively makes me a serial killer
i am never as violent as i am immediately after eating starchy foods
i have no qualms about hurting people in that state of mind
god knows why, but at least i'm the only victim of it today

everything hurts, i want to die, i'm so tired, i'm so sick
going to try and exercise, hoepfully wont have cardiac trouble again

mostly just want to put a bullet through our head
but guess what
my bros good friend committed suicide last night
so now we cant do anything!!!!!!!
or we'll be asking for attention and being a selfish jerk

many of us don't care though
problems:

-can't take pills, too high of a vomiting risk
-drowning too unreliable
-no guns in house, no way to safely get one
-bleeding to death too painful, low chance of success
-car accident will ruin family's car
-have no transportation for jumping off building
-hanging possible, not very feasible though
-no way to buy cyanide either haha

suicide is a literal pain in the neck though
the success rates for different methods vary wildly
and death isn't always instantaneous, which freaking sucks

did you know we nearly had a meltdown in church on saturday!!!
we got there early and there were too many quiet sounds
i swear we thought we were going to die
couldn't stop shaking, horrible repetitive thoughts, need to escape
no one would freaking SHUT UP
but you can't kill people just to make the noise go away
especially not in church
so we sat there for 20 entire minutes of ABSOLUTE HELL
until the service started and the noise level evened out to a drone
but we couldnt stop shaking
then we pretty much dissociated for the entire mass as usual
sad but true, can't help it much anymore

our mother wishes we were born poor in a trailer park
"because if you kids suffered you'd try harder"
as if we're not trying as hard as we can right now
but this isnt new
you know
"why couldn't i have normal kids"
"why do you make my life so difficult"
"stop making excuses and being dramatic"
is she right or wrong, i don't know
sorry "mom" that we're sick
i'm sorry that it annoys you and hurts you
but i don't know how to stop it anymore.


really, really, really, really want to die rn
but can't.
lots of pain, especially in stomach, you have no idea how violently i hate that thing
is there a way to become a robot or a cyborg or something
i am so freaking sick of biological things its disgusting

did you know razor actually has a hard time realizing people are "soft"
its weird she knows they bleed and tear and are wet inside
but she thinks you can break their arms and legs like dolls
just "snap" like a twig or piece of plastic
it surprises her when it's not a clean break and it bleeds
i keep having to tell her
because she always wants to snap thin girls into tiny pieces
she hates them and they scare me

femininity is okay, females are horrifying scary things
we can't run from them, they're everywhere, so scary
this body is one of them oh my god what do we do
it makes us want to kill ourselves a lot
so we shut off our brain so we forget we're in it lots of times
but when we forget or someone looks in a mirror
usually they get so scared or angry or hopeless
that they run away and the destroyers come in instead
to cut it up and make it bleed for punishment and hate
but we're scared of cutting it too much and getting sick
because dying slowly and in sick pain is not something we want
especially not if it's our fault
we're sick and in pain enough already
we'd rather just die really quick and non-humiliatingly
and get it over with


screw this
screw all of this
i want to cry
i want to die though
no one feels anyhting raelly
we're so used to bottling it up and keeping quiet
we dont remember hwo to feel emotions
some of us cr,y mostly the little ones, the kids
theyre so sad and scared
they never front beacuse its too scary
i dont blacme them inmm scared too

cant type anymore body shutting down proablyl the AP
because were getting real sick
the ap keeps people from feeling all the sick things mostly
so thats good at least
just wish it didnt mean the ap has ti drive aoll the time
beacuse it does

we want to commit suicide
because we cannot live anyway
so i see no crime in dying
if we were never alive to begin with.

 

 

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@ 08:44 pm

 

 

Getting a lot of sound-hypersensitivity panic attacks lately.
On the opposite side of the coin, still can't taste anything but the "painless pressure" in our jaws won't go away, so the bulimia is happening again in lieu of self-abuse (during the day at least). That's not good.

Memory is still a shambles, thanks dissociation.
Suicidal impulses/ plans aren't slowing down, which is a warning sign.

We're a mess right now but tomorrow we're going to try and start applying for disability, because we are now officially 100% penniless, thanks to several failed attempts at providing for ourselves.

Gonna try to look up and think positive, but no guarantees.



-somebody (no idea anymore)

 

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@ 11:53 pm

 

headspace count is up to 50

that's a 6-person jump in ten days
and we don't even know if we've found them all.

we're scared.