happy 2011?

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Oh man, I apologize for not having been on here-- or anywhere much, really.
Let me fill you in a little on what's been going on since my last entry: October 27th 2010, to be exact.

In the typing sense, there were about 9 new entries in my IJ, 3 new entries in my Scribbld, 16 new entries in my main Blurty and 7 new entries in my alternate, and a shocking 7 new entries in my Xanga.
If you like taking the scenic route, I would advise you to read through those; it will fill you in completely on what has been going on.

For those of you who really would rather not face the tl;dr textscapes I regularly create, here's the relatively short version.
A lot has happened.
On October 29th, I planned suicide. Seriously. Thanks to the absolutely damning hacks I'd been suffering through, I felt I had lost my purpose as a human being and I was so utterly ravaged at that point that I didn't think I had the strength to keep living. So I packed up most of my art and mailed it out to my friends, posted 'suicide letters' on all my main journals, and after that I was trying to decide the best method... but then my memory goes blank. Long story short, I just couldn't abandon my headchildren like that, no matter how much I hated myself... so around November 10th, I started slowly trying to get back online. It took a while, and I was trying to spend as much time as I could working on my projects instead, but with what I had suffered through, I began to realize just how badly I was destroying myself. I was having nightmares every night and it was all I could to to get through the days. I started seeing a therapist in early November that ultimately damaged me deeply, but made me realize that I needed to stop living like this. I started taking small but vital steps towards finally living my own life, by my own rules, instead of bending to what was trying to kill me.
On November 23rd, Chaos and Laurie finally reconciled their viewpoints on my situation, and that brought all of us together in an incredibly significant way. I started to find hope for my future, even though my home situation kept getting worse. I finally accepted who I was and started to actively work towards that.
I had a disturbing but amazing dream on November 29th, and thanks to both that dream and several other incidents, I started panicking over just how lonely I am in reality-- I have no one to turn to when I need someone. This only added to my depression, especially with how hard it was to find any therapists for gender issues at the same time. I began to use Aywas as a coping method once December started, which helped immensely, as well as doing heavy philosophical/ religious research every chance I got.
The biggest news in December, though, was Leon's return. He's talked about here; there's too much to type about him to list in this journal. His Xanga debut is here if you want to read that too.
Most of December was admittedly spent using every last aspect of my coping methods to survive, but then 2011 hit, and stuff got weird. My new years' resolution was to try and have at least one Xanga session per week, which turned out to be an incredibly beneficial thing for me (seriously, I advise all my hardcore followers to read those), but unfortunately it only made Julie proportionally stronger, and it wasn't long before the bubble burst. Around the second week of January I started to seriously unravel, going so far as to attempt suicide in a blind desperation, and this caused my old headvoice, Spine, to be brought into active duty. She was an incredible help, especially since Lynne and Josephina also decided to become fully active as well, and I also discovered the Virus Comix website during that time, which proved to be an immense source of inspiration. Sadly, no one or nothing could lift a finger against my home situation... and on January 27th, I was sent to the local psychiatric ward.
Seriously. I spent 5 days in the hospital, then for about two weeks following that (right up until yesterday) I was suffering so badly from my medication that I landed in the ER twice. Details on that whole mess are here, if you're interested.


So that's it. Life has been insane lately!
However, I have somehow emerged from all of that like a phoenix, as I not only have an incredible amount of self-confidence and insight into my situation now, but I'm working with my doctors to hopefully get both out of this house and into my transgender surgery/ therapy/ etc. I suppose it was a needed trial.


In any case, I don't know how often I'll be updating here or anywhere-- I have a lot of work to do offline, but communication is vital, so if nothing else you will be getting Xanga sessions, haha.

I hope your new years have been less stressful than mine!