hospital entry 02

[prismaticbleed]

 

Hey kids. Spinny here. Still in the hospital, gh. Better than being stuck without any help whatsoever, I guess, but maybe I'm just desperately looking on the bright side. Laurie is too. She's getting me worried, because she's all hardcore as usual but she is definitely getting a little panicky. So that's one of my biggest concerns. I'm trying to talk to Leon today, as he's in charge of balance and I think I need that. It's getting incredibly difficult and scary to keep myself safe. I don't even know if I'm using the right words. Oh well, as long as I understand it I guess.
Now for an update, invisible audience. We had visiting hours yesterday, and by some insanely stressful twist of fate, both my mom & dad showed up. Why yes, it was incredibly distressing. This group is incredibly distressing too. Being a schizoid with a nice streak is horrible because I feel I have to open up to people, but when I do, I get damaged. This place is confusing me so much. I thought I understood what I was doing here, but the more outside influences I am exposed to, the more messed up I get. I despise outside influences. I'm also starting to lose the vision in my right eye. But that might just be because I'm concentrating. It's not as if I have any other choice, though. God, I really need Chaos and Genesis around right now. I can't deal with this community, and believe me, I'm trying. I'm just terrified that I'm going to start compromising... so I'm writing this die-ary to prevent getting used to it. I love in-jokes. I dislike this. I really despise when people call me "pretty," too. Man. Like that's some sort of sick justification for making me suffer. I really don't care what you think I look like now-- I'm going to throw away this mask first chance I get anyway. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to be true, for the love of light.
I can't take this. I was shaking all day yesterday, and it's still not gone entirely, but I'm starting to lose coherence (sorry, Laur) and I'm getting so weak it's sick. I think my body is shutting down. That only happens when I'm desperate. I honestly hope Spine is okay... I don't want her to suffer either. Oh, by the way... they gave me a roommate. She's not bad, but with my "positivity problem" it is becoming horribly difficult to stay stable. I'm being robbed of all my stabilizing pain and I honestly cannot function without it. We've discussed this. Heck, I just can't deal with people. I've realized that very quickly now. I love people but I cannot deal with them. I need out. I think I'm going to tell them tonight. Two days of sheer anxiety and psychological battering is killing me. I'm only here for the doctors, and instead I'm sitting in a freaking art room praying for actual freedom for once. As always. Honestly, I can't deal with this. I don't feel safe, at all, I don't feel stable and I sure as hell am NOT improving. I don't even care if I have to sit in a padded room for the next two days-- give me my laptop and block everything except Xanga and iTunes; I'll be good. Well, as good as I could be in that situation.
"This Is England" is still stuck in my head, which is so nice. The singer has a beautiful tone. I need to figure out if he's involved in any other music programs. I'm trying so freaking hard not to snap. I need out. I swear, I do. But hey, maybe I need this, to motivate me to be twice as vigilant as usual so I don't end up back here! People have always been telling me, "hospitalization is your best option!" How is this the best option?? Heck, Philadelphia was less stressful, and that was bad!! Geez. I am bona fide terrified. I don't belong here, at all, and I need out. I swear, I'm filing a checkout form. Hopefully I'll be out by Tuesday. I wish I could bail tomorrow but I don't think that's possible... and I can't go "home" either. Its not safe. My body is still shutting down. It's pretty scary. But I can't stop writing, or we will hit a dead stop, and I don't want that. I just need to think straight.
Hey, Laurie here. J's bloody destabilizing so I'm holding the place together for now. Yeah, none of us are doing well. Kid's lucky he has me; there's no freaking way he'd be able to survive this alone. But I'm going to give him the steering wheel again because I'm losing my connection.
And I'm back. Sorry. I can't think straight and I hurt all over so. But I already said that. And... I don't know. I'm glad Laurie took over for a minute there; I was getting very bad. I still am. What do I do? Where do I go? I repeat: I CANNOT take this. I wonder if I can leave. They have this ridiculous thing where they lock our rooms for several hours during the day, so we're forced to "participate in the therapeutic group activities." This is everything BUT therapeutic. All it's doing is making me feel like an absolute maniac, and I'm so acutely aware of both my mortality and problems it hurts. But I can't stop writing. I can't. It's all I have. I need to get out. I need to get out. I'm filing that form. The only reason I'm here is because I can't find any gender therapists, and Julie is killing me daily, and I can't live like that. I can't see. This reminds me of art school, Shirley Jane Estar. I couldn't live with that either. NO. I can't go back either. Can't spell! Sorry.
The supervisor just asked me if I was okay. Answer? NO. I wish I could just say "I'm not safe, stable, or secure here. Get me the heck out." But that doesn't sound intelligent or sane. I try so hard to sound intelligent & sane so people take me seriously, but then I don't speak up when I'm emotionally distraught like this. It's hilarious how much I wish I were playing RB3 right now. Sister Christian, oh, the time has come. Great stuff. But I'm stuck here! I can't even go to my room anymore because I have a roommate! I'm desperate! At least a couple people here are nice to me. Keeps me from going entirely mad. And I mean that. This is maddening. Geez.
Sorry for the typo; this pen is dying a little. Kind of like me, hahaha. Really, I'm slipping. I do NOT feel safe. This is as bad as Des Moines, and that is saying something. I would actually rather be in Utah right now, as scary as that was. I think I need to stop writing. I'm too shaken. Wish me luck, because that's the only thing that's going to pull me through, right? That and the neverending constancy of love and hope. It's so sad how I still put up with this because I can't lose that. But I won't give up. Ever. I promise you that.