102224 = allow grieving

"write a letter to your old body/ your ideal body (even if you never reached it).
explain why you thought you needed it at one time but now you are moving on.
allow yourself to miss that body.
then look to the future and tell that body how it doesn't align with your true self anymore."


Dearly broken, hurting, desperate, small body that was once mine: I cannot keep you.
Yes, you were beautiful in your own way. You were childlike, nimble, stripped-down, raw. You felt "clean"-- pure, light, absolutely minimal carnality. You toed the line between flesh and spirit, constantly burning away the former in the hope of becoming more of the latter. You filed all our edges and corners to bony points and angles. You were a wire and metal sculpture, silver-slim and sharpened. You were dying. You wanted to be an embodied knife-edge and our life was bleeding out for you.
Our limbs became fishbones. Your frantic sobbing desperation to abandon ship-self as much as possible was drowning us. I watched the weights as they dropped into the depths and I realized you would never be satisfied with anything but less. You were erasing yourself. You were committing slow & steady suicide. You were starving our entire being to literal death. And I NEVER WANTED THAT LIKE YOU DID. I WANT TO LIVE!
I miss your adolescent silhouette but it was a masquerade. You lied to me. I know the truth now, about BOTH of us. My body DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU. YOU ARE NOT ME. I'VE GROWN. I'M AN ADULT AND I HAVE SURVIVED AND I AM JOYFUL & CREATIVE & COURAGEOUS & STRONG! I am HAPPY to exist IN THE WORLD that GOD CREATED GOOD, and I am learning to TRULY LOVE MY BIG, POWERFUL NEW SHAPE. I am FAT and I will be MUSCULAR too. I am LARGER and I can HOLD MORE BEAUTY IN ME NOW. I am THICK & I TAKE UP SPACE & I'M WEIGHTY. I MATTER. I WON'T SHRINK TO NOTHING ANYMORE.
I LOVE THIS NEW FAT BODY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE AND I AM FULL OF THE GOOD THINGS OF GOD AND EVERY INCH OF ME IS PROOF THAT I WILL KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT. I'm not "just surviving" anymore. This body is FLOURISHING now.

(I'M A DRAGON & MY HEART IS FIRE AND I AM POWERFUL AND I WILL USE ALL OF MY BIGNESS TO PROTECT OTHERS AND LIGHT UP MY WORLD.)